JessicaNAJ

Equus asked me a question the other day and I still haven't figured it out.

She asked my if I liked my H. I never really thought about that before. How can I say I love him if I don't know if I like him? At least I think I love him, but now I'm questioning myself.

I'm having a rough time here....any thoughts about figuring this out.

I think I'm struggling b/c my answer could very possible be "no". But that's just crazy???

ugh....I'm a mess....lol There has got to be something in the air, because I'm confused about a lot of things right now. I need to get my books out again.

Savana 54

Sometimes I don't know if I ever really continued to like him after he pulled all his crap. I think I was more or less being stubborn, and destined to make "our" life together work. I didn't want to admit that the relationship was failing and that we wouldn't ever have the nice house with a white picket fence, a Golden Retriever and two and a half kids. I know now that I can never have that with him...

I think a sponser and a few meetings will help you so much with yourself and your feelings. Maybe even towards him.

Your a strong person!! (((((((((((((())))))))))))))))

equus

I love my Mum, I know I do because I care about her and wouldn't want her to be hurt - BUT I don't like her.

I think love is often part of a bond, our histories, and even our human compassion. Liking seems to me to be simpler because it isn't about caring or giving, it seems more about the pleasure given back. When I say I like my friends it brings to mind the pleasure I get from their company and that feeling of 'liking' their personalities, their way of being. My friends are all very different from each other, some are shy, some are real social butterflies, but the things they have in common are the things I like most about other people. I suppose it's the things that I admire in them individually.

I'm not sure if that helps at all....?

ASpouse

This probably won't help at all, but I love my brother because he is my brother, but do I like him? Hell no! He is the most miserable self centered person I know and I really don't like him at all.

My husband, well I like him a lot and I do love him too, but there are times I wish he would just disappear. I think that is normal in a relationship, but for the most part I like and love my husband.

CarolD

I like people who make me feel good.

The people I love... I want to make them feel good.

I guess for me like us taking...love is giving.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Equus, ASpouse and CarolD. Yes, that does help, a lot.

I do love him and care about him. But my first answer would have to be no - I don't like him. He does not make me feel good about myself. He makes me feel like he's using me to get something he wants. And in return, I use him for help with big things I can't do or things I know I can get him to do cause I don't want to. That is so bad.....I know this. AND I am going to stop doing that too.

He's not even pleasant to have a conversation with.

You know what, saying I don't like him was not as hard as I thought it would be.




Okay - now I feel bad. argh.............

escape artist

my husband and i are not even friends. never were. i don't even think i truly know who he is as he had always been in his addiction. i have loved him. but this is getting too painful and i need a break from him and his addictions. however, we did create 3 beautiful little girls.

GettingBy

For me, the whole "liking" thing goes in phases. For the past few weeks, I really didn't like my husband at all. I didn't like the way he was treating me, our home, our finances, etc. I saw him as a very selfish, self-centered you-know-what. Everything he did grated on me. I couldn't even stand to hear him breath!! Luckily, I'm starting to come out of that phase.

I'm trying to focus on all the good traits that are there so that I can gravitate towards that... instead of all the "yucky" stuff. I like my husband's free spirit (funny b/c that's the first thing I start to hate when things go bad!!), he helps me relax and enjoy life. He's very funny and can make me laugh even when I'm completely down and out. I like seeing him out on his motorcycle, and watching him play with the dogs. I like how he insists on holding me at night before we go to sleep, and hugging me before we get up in the morning. I really like how he smells, morning, noon and night (they're all different!).

It can be really tough at times to see all those good things, but in order for our marriage to have a fighting chance, I have to make that effort. Like JennyK has told me time and time again, it's a complete change in mindset. And like Equus said, "To acknowledge the negatives is enough to not risk denial. I think to dwell on them is to give them the power to direct life. " So I don't ignore the elephant in the room, but I don't focus on it either. Thus allowing myself to enjoy my husband as whole person, not just one with a sickness. It does take work, and some days are better than others.

:-) Shannon

Sapphoness

Don't feel bad Jessica, there is no shame in being honest with yourself and with others. It is hard to like someone whom you feel doesn't respect you and has treated you badly emotionally or otherwise. I think to have a healthy relationship you should be able to like and love your partner. But in situations such as yours, mine and countless others here, it is a difficult task. First they have to change their behavior, then you have to get over the resentment of that behavior and start over. Conversation is a big one, to actually be able to talk about important issues with out arguing, leaving or blaming. To hear the other person's side and opinion. It has to be worked on so you enjoy each others company again.
Good for you Shannon, to be able to move past the traits that hurt or upset you and focus on what you like/love about your partner. Not always easy, but yes it does make your time together more enjoyable and your heart happier in the moment.

Cap3

hmmmm,ok,.
Question,if i may...
Do you like you?
Personally i can't give to others what i don't have inside of myself.
Sometimes im pissed of at others.Those are da days that im pissed of at myself,first.Not liking another,i usually can trace it to not liking myself at that moment.Im thinking that i ripple out to the folks in this world,all that i feel about myself.

JessicaNAJ

There are traits about me I don't like, like my short temper (usually takes a lot to set it off though) and the frustration I feel when I let my H get to me. But, for the most part, yes...I do like myself.

I'm trying to look for things I "like" in my H, but all I can come up with is "I like the way he loves and plays with our kids."

cwohio

i feel similar to shannon, but haven't come as far as she has on the focusing on the good stuff - SO FAR, but I am going to try and work on that more!

jess - at least you are examining your feelings and that is a healthy thing!

JessicaNAJ

Chris - I have to figure this out. I need to move forward and if I just let things go as is, I will be stuck here for another 15 years. Life it to short to not live it to its fullest. I think my gut knows what I want to do, but I'm trying to get my heart and my mind to figure it out too, know what I mean?? I am trying to do what is best for me with no regrets, either way.

I am so grateful I have friends here that help me. I don't have many at home I can count out to help me figure things out.

cwohio

jess - i know it's tough to wade through all the muck of feelings that we have and really examine them honestly (amen!). just remember, easy does it - you are right that life is too short, but you are moving at the pace that is right for you.

i am grateful for the friends we have here too - they are so great!

EndOfRoadWife

For me, it changes day to day...One day, I can't stand him (that's if he "acts up")..Then, other days, I can be very happy with him...I guess there is a fine line between love&hate....Today, I like him..Last week, I didn't..

GettingBy

(((jessica))),

Like cwohio said, it's good that you are examining your feelings. Nothing in life is static, especially how we feel. As long as we are always aware of ourselves and our feelings, we will continually grow and change. Life is full of phases and change, and there may very well come a day when I may not be able to find something to like about my husband. When that day comes, it will be my time to move on because I deserve to be with someone who makes me happy and that I like being with. It's not fair to him either, he deserves to be with someone who enjoys his presence.

Trust your feelings, feelings are never wrong, they just are.

JessicaNAJ

I never thought of it that way....you're right.

Buster

For me...even though I love my husband dearly...there are times when I can certainly say that I didn't like him at all. I think it's true when people say there is a fine line between love and hate

equus

D had two serious relationships in the years we were apart, both of which were ended by them not him. Both women had children and he had stayed largely because he felt for them, and earned for them and perhaps long after he really liked them.

I'm glad they both finished it because it left him free and I love the bloody sox off him! He's also very much my close friend.

Unfortunately neither of the women had quite your level of morals!! The first one had told him her ex used to beat her, then 2 years later told him to leave because she wanted the ex to move back in. The second one had an affair after 2 years, got pregnant and didn't know who was the father. D agreed to bring the child up as his own whether he was the father or not (she also had 2 other step kids which he was Dad to as their own Dad never showed up). However when she changed her mind about the pregnancy months down the line, she had an abortion, told D he was no longer needed or wanted and that he should move out. It was left to her kids to behave with some dignity, they helped him pack wrapping each thing carefully (one box of which he's never unpacked because he wants to keep their beautifully careful wrapping).

So when I read you acting with so much integrity, telling him you love him, which I don't doubt you do, keeping him in your children's lives and being honest with yourself that you don't really like him anymore - well I think you're a saint!! I wish D had been either let go or kept with even a fraction of that decency.

herewegoagain

LOL ! You sound just like me !!

In all seriousness, I think overall I do like my husband very much. He's a good, kind, loving person with a wonderful sense of humor. I don't always like the things he does or the choices he makes, and he definitely gets on my nerves sometimes....but yes, I'd have to say I like my husband very much.