quietsins

do we owe the next "woman" a warning of any kind?

my exA is abusive. do i owe it to the next "victim" to warn her? or do we turn it all over to god and let him protect them? if we know the woman is walking into a situation.... do we owe them anything? i know all his triggers and he is sitting on a pile of dynomite that is ready to go off.

i feel guilt, and then at the same time i feel like she would probably just think i am jealous. which i am not. i actually feel empathy for anyone who gets involved with him when he is so far gone and still digging.

quietsins

herewegoagain

In my opinion, for what it's worth, I absolutely think you do NOT "owe" the next woman any sort of warning. Like you said, it'll only make you look jealous, and it'll keep you entangled with him. The only person you owe anything to is yourself. It's much better to just make a clean break and not look back.

cloudy

Hello, It's a nice thought on your part, but it will probably not make any difference. Everyone has to pretty much learn things for themselves. I speak this from my own experience with myself! :- )

GettingBy

I have to agree with what everyone else has said. You don't owe her a warning, and even if you did, she probably won't "hear" what you are saying. I got SEVERAL warnings about my husband when we started dated. I didn't know those people well enough to trust them, so I thought they were just trying to sabotage our new and fragile love.

I like what Herewegoagain said, the only person you owe anything to is yourself.

splendra

I do not think you owe her but, hopefully more women will start asking the women in a man's past things like: why did your realtionship end?...

If she does get in touch with you then let her know what you know.....

minnie

quietsins

I have been in exactly the same situation as you. In fact, if you look back a few weeks, I wrote a thread called "I've undone all my hard work" where I related where I'd e-mailed the al-anon website to the new g/f. I spent ages questioning my motives, but I now think they were very much like yours. To warn her.

You know what, though? My ex's ex-wife warned me. She didn't do it in the best way, in fact, she was agressive and hostile and I thought she was just trying to break us up so she could get back with him. I sometimes look back now and think "why didn't I listen?". I would never have taken any notice, though. And in a funny way, I'm glad I didn't, because despite all the heartache, I am in a much better place having had this relationship than if I hadn't. And if I warn someone else, then I would be standing in the way of the catalyst for someone else's growth.

I don't think we owe them anything, personally.

Love

Minnie
xxx

FriendofBill

If something is not my business, I need stay out of it.

dax

She will find out soon enough. I would warn her only if you think he might literally do her physical harm. And even then it is probaly true she won't believe you.

pmaslan

I think...no matter what you say to the next woman she won't listen. Reason being is this, if she gets involved with an A she obviously has some issues too, is a codie, whatever. We all know this from our own experiences. Your ex will not get involved with a Healthy woman, becasue a Healthy woman WON'T get involved with any A period!!! Let the burdon be on someone else, take care of you!
Love, Patty

Minx1969

Did I listen to his family when they told me I deserved better and I should move on? (after one of our many break ups..) Nope..Just kept going back for more until I finally had enough..

I don't involve myself in his life..it is his and hers to live..

If you want to do anything constructive, you can pray for her..

That's what I do!

walkingtheline

If Ms. Next calls you, I would not lie to her. Answer her questions honestly.

But, I would not seek her out for two reasons. One, like the others have said, she'll have stars in her eyes and most likely would not hear you. Secondly, while it's a very remote chance, he MAY have "gotten" it. Unless you see him every day...you'd never know.

escape artist

best warning i can think of is having a felony or misdemeanor charge of assault on his record. guess we all need to start checking their records!

gelfling

Nope. Let them find out the same way we did. In a few years time, they'll come to you and ask why you didn't tell them. We used this method many years back and we answered that they wouldn't have believed us if we did tell them all about it.

Cynay

I would say go with the no lie

I have to agree that a warning to the other person will not do any good, they would not listen. Though if I were asked I would not lie about what happened or the issues involved... My sponsor asks me to pray for them... and Im working on it, that is not easy either but my solid foundation in my spirital growth is helping with that one.

I do think we all have to go through our lessons .... that is the only way we really grow and learn.

journeygal

You are powerless over the new relationship much like you were your own. I say pray for her and let it go.