Providing your own closure
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Join Date: Sep 2003
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Providing your own closure
PROVIDING YOUR OWN CLOSURE
Yesterday, while at my counseling appointment, I told my counselor that I hadn’t received a letter my “ex” (ahg, not comfortable w/that word yet) said he was sending. You see, he called me one evening last week and, although I did not intend to budge from my course (a course of simply “not going back-emotionally or physically” to the sick way of living), I was very pleased with the conversation because it really went along the lines of peace I so strongly desire between us through this. I mainly just let him talk, he told me he’d watered my plants, told me he loved me and told me he is sorry – sorry for what he’s put me through, sorry for driving me away and sorry for putting me in this position. Said he was writing a letter, had so much to say and would be putting it in the mail the next day…..
Well, by Saturday, the day it would have arrived, I hadn’t received it. It was at that moment I found out that, despite telling my counselor last week “if I get it I get it if I don’t I don’t”, I indeed HAD had an expection because I was not only surprised but hurt, devastated, angry at not getting that letter. You see, to me that letter was going to be a source of some kind of comfort, some closure perhaps, maybe even some answers, and maybe even some hope for the future. But, alas, this was a fantasy. Instead, I got a telephone call that really affected my serenity and left me feeling sad, hurt, angry, afraid, intimidated, pissed off at feeling intimidated, guilty, obsessed with his “stated” perception of things, and questioning/doubting myself once again, and, last but not least, believing once again that the letter was on it’s way. The hurt was at least a little lighter this time when I saw no letter, but it still hurt. I was at least beginning to accept it by that point though.
Jump to yesterday, at my counseling appointment. She wasn’t surprised, she had told me I might very well not receive it and I had pointedly agreed (all the while my subconscious saying no he’ll send it she’s just being pessimistic…yeah, that’s it…).
Anyway, she told me that although I’m doing well, I am still expecting this table with legs to get up and walk out of this room, and it’s just not going to happen, and she doesn’t know how to get that through to me. She said I am going to have to provide my own closure, and that it really would be best if I do not talk to him.
So, here I am today, resolved to try my very best to foster any healthy thoughts no matter how fleeting, any healthy steps no matter how small.
I think it will probably help me a little to have talked about this, since it is bothering me. I am putting it out somewhere other than just in my head, which already has enough clutter thank you very much, so anyway….thanks for listening. Meanwhile, I’m still tryin :- )
Cloudy
Yesterday, while at my counseling appointment, I told my counselor that I hadn’t received a letter my “ex” (ahg, not comfortable w/that word yet) said he was sending. You see, he called me one evening last week and, although I did not intend to budge from my course (a course of simply “not going back-emotionally or physically” to the sick way of living), I was very pleased with the conversation because it really went along the lines of peace I so strongly desire between us through this. I mainly just let him talk, he told me he’d watered my plants, told me he loved me and told me he is sorry – sorry for what he’s put me through, sorry for driving me away and sorry for putting me in this position. Said he was writing a letter, had so much to say and would be putting it in the mail the next day…..
Well, by Saturday, the day it would have arrived, I hadn’t received it. It was at that moment I found out that, despite telling my counselor last week “if I get it I get it if I don’t I don’t”, I indeed HAD had an expection because I was not only surprised but hurt, devastated, angry at not getting that letter. You see, to me that letter was going to be a source of some kind of comfort, some closure perhaps, maybe even some answers, and maybe even some hope for the future. But, alas, this was a fantasy. Instead, I got a telephone call that really affected my serenity and left me feeling sad, hurt, angry, afraid, intimidated, pissed off at feeling intimidated, guilty, obsessed with his “stated” perception of things, and questioning/doubting myself once again, and, last but not least, believing once again that the letter was on it’s way. The hurt was at least a little lighter this time when I saw no letter, but it still hurt. I was at least beginning to accept it by that point though.
Jump to yesterday, at my counseling appointment. She wasn’t surprised, she had told me I might very well not receive it and I had pointedly agreed (all the while my subconscious saying no he’ll send it she’s just being pessimistic…yeah, that’s it…).
Anyway, she told me that although I’m doing well, I am still expecting this table with legs to get up and walk out of this room, and it’s just not going to happen, and she doesn’t know how to get that through to me. She said I am going to have to provide my own closure, and that it really would be best if I do not talk to him.
So, here I am today, resolved to try my very best to foster any healthy thoughts no matter how fleeting, any healthy steps no matter how small.
I think it will probably help me a little to have talked about this, since it is bothering me. I am putting it out somewhere other than just in my head, which already has enough clutter thank you very much, so anyway….thanks for listening. Meanwhile, I’m still tryin :- )
Cloudy
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
for me closure comes in things i do to move myself forward.
he will never give me closure. in three years i asked two things of him, to listen to me when i speak, and to dance with me once.
neither of those happened. he was incapable of seeing anyone elses needs. his vision and reach was as far as the bottle was away. never further than himself.
so i am building a flower garden. it is something i will always have, it will be a memory of energy focused on something beautiful i will profit from. and it isnt hurting anyone. i will never get the closure from him because closure requires two people to honestly evaluate things and move in separate directions.
i know i will always be his, "if only". i also know i am the number 1 excuse he is using now to drink. neither of which is true. so i seek closure for myself.
my first ex husband, burned his stuff.. and cut his head out of all the family pictures. that was closure... frantic, on the verge of insanity closure... but it worked.
maybe thats all i have gotten better at... learning to let go. they say you can learn by holding a cat by the tail a lesson you cannot learn any other way. i believe it.
think of something for you. symbolic stuff, balloons released... a garden... a trip... something for you. and bury all of it.. so you can grow.
quietsins
he will never give me closure. in three years i asked two things of him, to listen to me when i speak, and to dance with me once.
neither of those happened. he was incapable of seeing anyone elses needs. his vision and reach was as far as the bottle was away. never further than himself.
so i am building a flower garden. it is something i will always have, it will be a memory of energy focused on something beautiful i will profit from. and it isnt hurting anyone. i will never get the closure from him because closure requires two people to honestly evaluate things and move in separate directions.
i know i will always be his, "if only". i also know i am the number 1 excuse he is using now to drink. neither of which is true. so i seek closure for myself.
my first ex husband, burned his stuff.. and cut his head out of all the family pictures. that was closure... frantic, on the verge of insanity closure... but it worked.
maybe thats all i have gotten better at... learning to let go. they say you can learn by holding a cat by the tail a lesson you cannot learn any other way. i believe it.
think of something for you. symbolic stuff, balloons released... a garden... a trip... something for you. and bury all of it.. so you can grow.
quietsins
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
When I broke up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend several years ago, I was left with a lot of hurt, anger, and self-blame. Under the advice of my therapist, I wrote him a letter. I wrote down every single thought and feeling as it came to mind. I didn't worry about complete sentences or editing. Sometimes all it was, was a single word. I wrote pages and pages until I felt like I got everything out. Then I tore it up into pieces, and flushed it. (I added that part to the "ceremony") It sounds silly, but as the letter was going down the toilet, I kind of envisioned all the hurt, etc. It took several times of me doing that for me to feel better. I also did that with my mom. It's a way to safely get out your anger, your hurt and your vulnerabilities - without giving anyone ammunition to use it against you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((cloudy)))
Your counsellor is one smart cookie. All too often, we wait for other people to give us the things we need emotionally, when all along we have the power to do it for ourselves.
You are doing so well. I know how tough it's been for you, but I see the growth every time you post.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Your counsellor is one smart cookie. All too often, we wait for other people to give us the things we need emotionally, when all along we have the power to do it for ourselves.
You are doing so well. I know how tough it's been for you, but I see the growth every time you post.
Love
Minnie
xxx
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im working on this same issue for myself
My ex-ABF kinda gave me closure last week when he said he is still in love with his ex-dysfunsional wife... When he told me he is talking to her about getting back together with her it made me realize again how sick he is .... how his brain does not work normal, but then again after all he has done to me... is my brain working normally that I would even think about second chances with him?????? hurmmm
Somewhere deep in my heart I had hoped we would work all this out, that he would get the help he needed, keep sober and somehow it would all come together.... when he told me that I guess it was one more nail in the coffin of a dead relationship.... I will somehow find that closure too, but without his help or talking with him again.
My ex-ABF kinda gave me closure last week when he said he is still in love with his ex-dysfunsional wife... When he told me he is talking to her about getting back together with her it made me realize again how sick he is .... how his brain does not work normal, but then again after all he has done to me... is my brain working normally that I would even think about second chances with him?????? hurmmm
Somewhere deep in my heart I had hoped we would work all this out, that he would get the help he needed, keep sober and somehow it would all come together.... when he told me that I guess it was one more nail in the coffin of a dead relationship.... I will somehow find that closure too, but without his help or talking with him again.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
thank you each for your reply, i appreciate the ideas, the "I can relates," the words of support, the prayers and saying I am doing good
Right now I'm back to feeling sad and angry but it's a wave and it will pass soon I hope. Gotta take it as it comes I guess and just do the best I can and try to keep some focus.
It helps to get it out, and to get feedback. Makes a difference.
Here's another line from this song I like, it says "If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to"
(A.Nalick Breathe)
talk to you more soon I'm sure, thanks for listening, and responding
Cloudy
Right now I'm back to feeling sad and angry but it's a wave and it will pass soon I hope. Gotta take it as it comes I guess and just do the best I can and try to keep some focus.
It helps to get it out, and to get feedback. Makes a difference.
Here's another line from this song I like, it says "If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to"
(A.Nalick Breathe)
talk to you more soon I'm sure, thanks for listening, and responding
Cloudy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
i dont know if there is such a thing as closure. i thought i had it as soon as i found out mine had run to someone else.not. in looking back at all my relationships that didnt work out, i dont believe there was ever closure on my end. you want so much for the person to just "get" where you are coming from. they never do, or you would be together,happily ever after. all there is,is time. time heals all wounds. and i dont know if it actually heals them, but it does make the pain lessen. my way right now,of dealing with our loss, is totally ignoring him.which doesnt take much,as he doesnt try to talk to me anywhere near as before the new woman.i just wont engage in conversation when i have to see him,and i dont wave when i pass him on the street.i dont send emails(no jokes,no nothing),when he gets on the computer,i sign off, and i dont call. maybe he doesnt care, but thats not why im doing it. im doing it for me. because it seems to be helping. because i cant be near him,in any way connected to him,its half hurt,and half disgust. its hard,its like the addicts craving, but i refuse to let myself give in at all. and that power does feel good right now.it being MY choice to ignore him,feels good right now.
they disappointed us in the relationship why should it be any different out of the relationship?
maybe soon you will find yourself in the place i am in right now. maybe you will find another way.
why dont you write yourself a letter, from a man in the future who loves you,respects you and appreciates you?? hey, i just might do that myself!!!!!
they disappointed us in the relationship why should it be any different out of the relationship?
maybe soon you will find yourself in the place i am in right now. maybe you will find another way.
why dont you write yourself a letter, from a man in the future who loves you,respects you and appreciates you?? hey, i just might do that myself!!!!!
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