Beautiful

step?

I have conjured up what I think it would be but no one has ever really "said" it. I think it is being addicted to being in a small clique of people and using that as your excuse to continue your sh*tty behavior under the guise of "recovery." I think this because my AH does it.

High five or thumbs down?

JessicaNAJ

Don't feel stupid. I wondered the exact same thing.

What I got out of it is when someone is working the steps and seeks "companionship" with someone else working the steps - outside of the relationship. If that makes any sense.

Having an affair.

Beautiful

So, how would one tell if it was the emotional affair of the drunk syndrome or the physical affair with another person?

2dayzmuse

The “Thirteenth Step” is commonly defined as the practice of dating a newcomer, or another AA member, with less than solid sobriety.

pmaslan

Some people have actually used AA to find partners for whatever reason, relationship, sex, affair, you name it. Granted they are probably sicker than the person that is attending AA. Kind of sickening when you think about it.
Love, Patty

quietsins

there was a saying i read on the AA board

in AA regarding finding love, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

made me really think.

my exA would 13th step me in a heartbeat. lol thats why i am here.. and hes still diggin that hole of his.

quietsins

EndOfRoadWife

I'm glad you asked that question, cause I didn't know what the 13th step was either..Thanks!

Cynay

Yepppers..

My ex-ABF met her when he first started AA.... about a month later he told me he was not in love with me, broke up and that very night was sleeping with her... Im pretty sure he was before then as well since he has since apologized for cheating on me. It did not last but maybe 3 months off and on and according to him more off then on.. but it was the begining of the end for us.

lillian

this happened to me- same as cynay, basically. he moved out after telling me his was in love with her/that my instincts had been right about them having an affair-- now i think she dumped him after a month and a half at most- maybe the thrill of having sex/being with a married man (and her best friend's husband...) has worn off (right after he lost his job), and now she realizes, oh i'm with a sick A who has 4 months of sobriety, has no money or job-- opps. the worst thing for me is that he is not sad about leaving me/our marriage, but about losing her! owch....

Cynay

I know that one hurts Lillian, my ego/heart has been really wounded by his changing his mind on what women he loves... also know that even with 7 months sobriey it happened again... Now he loves his ex-wife (divorced 2 years) and they are getting back together.

I try to think of it as being protected, my guardian angel watching out for me. Im told that they do this flip flopping alot in the first year.... that they are just reaching, trying to find something.... and often want to revive what was never really there... someone told me it was "fog brain" I just keep praying and learning to let go.

CodeMaster

Let the A's have a taste of thierselves for all I care by dating another A, I'm outta there...

teach2read

Count me an unfortunate member of the club too. Geez Louise, when I kept reading all these responses I was amazed.

My AH (15 years sober) got hooked up w/his OW last year while he was helping her w/her recovery. One thing led to another, and then they are having this intense emotional affair... and I am living with someone that has transformed into a withdrawn, unhappy, moody, secretive, defensive, and resentful man. I didn't know what was going on for months, just kept trying to help him thru this crisis that I thot he was going thru, so did our kids. We spent months tiptoeing around on eggshells, trying not to set him off.

Once I discovered the affair, man the scales fell off my eyes because I could see he was in deep trouble, really deep. It was like he was in a fog, like he was lost to me, or kids, and to himself. He was in relapse really.

Went thru awful months since then, lots of lies from him about it being an online affair when it was really a woman he worked with, about breaking things off when he didn't, about him getting help for his relapse when he didn't, etc. Finally I was so worn down that my sanity was about to erode completely and I asked him to leave the house while he is still active in the addiction. It was and still feels awful, but for my recovery, that was the choice. Don't know what is gonna happen as far as the outcome goes, only now that I will travel the journey, thankfully not alone because of God and my Alanon friends.

dax

I had been in alanon 20 years and had never heard the term. It was happening to me for years-he and she both with long recovery and a long affair. sigh. dax

CatsTail

13th stepping is someone with sobriety preying on a newcomer in the program who has no sobriety and is vulnerable to a predator.

13th stepping is dangerous because it can drive the newcomers back out to get drunk.

13th stepping is a big no no in A.A.

Ngaire

Magichappens

I used to not be able to see the predators, because I liked the attention of men. Working the steps has given me a sense of being whole. I no longer look to outside sources to make me ok. Thirteenth stepping smacks of the lack of spirituality and recovery that pervades many meetings. I am a big proponent of working the steps and removing the obsessive need for a fix before looking at a relationship. A fix is not love, it's a fix.

Entering a relationship with the hope that it will make me ok is doomed to pain and heartache. I had to learn that the hard way. I don't condemn people for doing it. I feel sorry for them because they don't know how to be a whole person. Magic

Beautiful

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

So the 13th step is really a way to be active in your addiction without "really" being there.

Emotional affairs -- that smacks of my house.