The "A"s comments
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Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Sask.
Posts: 64
The "A"s comments
My sister has brought this up 3 times now. It's about a comment my A made to her young son. He told him there's no Santa Clause. Anyway this has made my sister very mad and she keeps bringing it up to me. What am I suppose to do about it? I told her to go tell the A that she's mad about it (not that it will really help any). Why does she think it's my problem?
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
HI Summer,
My guess is she's trying to illustrate what a dweeb you are involved with without actually saying so. It is after all, a pretty good example of thoughtlessness, if not malice. She's just not finishing the sentence. "He's the Grinch..." is how it starts "how can you want the Grinch in your life and how can you bring the Grinch into MY life?" is the rest of the sentence.
We make the same mistakes as codependents to addicts when we are first practicing letting go of control. Instead of saying "Don't smoke that crap.", we say something like "Look how sick it makes you" , "Look how broke we are", "Look what you're doing to our relationship." We still try to make them SEE. Wouldn't it be nice if it worked? She's probably trying to make you SEE. So do what the substance abuser in your life will not do. Look. Assess the damage he is doing in all areas of your life, and that includes the collateral damage to your family and other relationships. We are mystified at the egocentric attitudes of the substance abusers. How can they think it only affects them? How can they be so selfish and visionless? And yet we who cling to them are often guilty of similar neglect. Our "habit" can affect other people, too. While you are deciding how much you want to put up with, also consider the spill.
I just reread all this, and I see that it sounds harsh. But the breaking point for me was when I realized what my obsession with Dino and his sorry saga was doing to my friends, family, business and credit. I could no longer place his feelings and well being above that of myself and others that I touch. To insulate them, I had to insulate myself. Not totally. But I did have to completely change the way I deal with him, and make some steel reinforced boundaries for MYSELF.
I don't know anybody who doesn't get mad and defensive when someone tries to pry their eyes open. That's substance abusers and codependent's as well. We are afraid to look because we are afraid of what we will see. Look anyway. And thank your sister for loving you.
Hugs,
Smoke
My guess is she's trying to illustrate what a dweeb you are involved with without actually saying so. It is after all, a pretty good example of thoughtlessness, if not malice. She's just not finishing the sentence. "He's the Grinch..." is how it starts "how can you want the Grinch in your life and how can you bring the Grinch into MY life?" is the rest of the sentence.
We make the same mistakes as codependents to addicts when we are first practicing letting go of control. Instead of saying "Don't smoke that crap.", we say something like "Look how sick it makes you" , "Look how broke we are", "Look what you're doing to our relationship." We still try to make them SEE. Wouldn't it be nice if it worked? She's probably trying to make you SEE. So do what the substance abuser in your life will not do. Look. Assess the damage he is doing in all areas of your life, and that includes the collateral damage to your family and other relationships. We are mystified at the egocentric attitudes of the substance abusers. How can they think it only affects them? How can they be so selfish and visionless? And yet we who cling to them are often guilty of similar neglect. Our "habit" can affect other people, too. While you are deciding how much you want to put up with, also consider the spill.
I just reread all this, and I see that it sounds harsh. But the breaking point for me was when I realized what my obsession with Dino and his sorry saga was doing to my friends, family, business and credit. I could no longer place his feelings and well being above that of myself and others that I touch. To insulate them, I had to insulate myself. Not totally. But I did have to completely change the way I deal with him, and make some steel reinforced boundaries for MYSELF.
I don't know anybody who doesn't get mad and defensive when someone tries to pry their eyes open. That's substance abusers and codependent's as well. We are afraid to look because we are afraid of what we will see. Look anyway. And thank your sister for loving you.
Hugs,
Smoke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Summer
I agree with what Smoke said so well, and if she keeps bringing it up, then tell her that you heard her the first time, and was there more that she would like to discuss. It is hard when family members just don't understand where we stand in our recovery, but discussing it can help.
P.S. If you have any idea how the Canadian Thanksgiving originated (we didn't do Plymout Rock)...please come over the the "Canadian Thanksgiving" post and help me out. MG has me cornered
.
I agree with what Smoke said so well, and if she keeps bringing it up, then tell her that you heard her the first time, and was there more that she would like to discuss. It is hard when family members just don't understand where we stand in our recovery, but discussing it can help.
P.S. If you have any idea how the Canadian Thanksgiving originated (we didn't do Plymout Rock)...please come over the the "Canadian Thanksgiving" post and help me out. MG has me cornered
.
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