chess

My friend did it again. She took back her violent boyfriend. This time they were separated for a couple of months during which the lunatic stalked her and her kid. Attacked strangers around her home yelling at them "Are you the new man?", and finally one night threw dozens of rocks to her balcony. Previously while they were still together he tried to strangle her while drunk and her 5 years went started screaming until someone wised up and called the cops. And she took this guy back!!!!!

I don't know what to do and I'm so fed up with all this. Everytime my friend gets drunk this guy comes along being all charming and she falls for it every time. Why?

Should I just leave her to deal with it on her own? This is probably the 5th time she has taken the guy back and everytime she has gone out drinking the next day the guy is back in her life. I don't understand. How do I make sense of this? Do I just cut her out of my life? We have some hobbies we attend together. I'm just so bewildered by her actions. After these last episodes even I'm afraid of this guy and do not want to run into him. Does my friend live in a dream world and why she cannot wake up? Is this some sorted twisted deathwish she is carrying? I'm clueless. Does violent men appear attractive when one is totally waysted?

JT

Hi,

Personally I have never understood it but your friend is not alone. There are a lot of woman out there living in abusive relationships.

I suppose I might treat it the same way as I treat my son. I don't participate in the drama but I listen to him...as long as he is talking some sort of logic. If not...I change the subject or cut the conversation short.

Are there any friend-anon meetings in your town??
((Hugs))
JT

Dawn10

hi Chess,
I have been where you are. My very best friend marrried her alcoholic and although at the time of her wedding, I didn't know he was alcoholic, much less abusive, I had strange vibes from him. I never felt he loved her, but he needed her to love him, if that makes sense. They had a fight about 2 weeks before the wedding and she made the comment to me, " I don't think we should get married". I encouraged her to talk to her pastor about it. ( Both she and I have a strong faith)
She dismissed that as she was "too embarrassed." He "made it up to her and all was peachy keen!
Within a couple of months after the marriage, they were having major problems. What I didn't know at the time was that he started abusing her on the honeymoon.
To make a long story short, she left once, went back, left again and went back, and the final time he tried to kill her while we were on the phone. I called the police, ( so did her neighbor who heard it all) and she never turned back.
She thought she could change him. His first wife called her the week before the wedding trying to warn her and she didn't believe her. Now it makes sense as to why he had no visitation with his daughter!
She has come a long way---lots fo therapy, lots of prayer and although there were days I wanted to beat my head against a wall, there were days I would have just liked to shake some sense into her, and yes there were days I wanted to just chuck it all, I am glad I didn't.
A true friend doesn't have to condone the behavior or support it, but she/he should hang in there. You know her best, but in my experience, hang in there. There will be a day that comes she will need you. Be there with the broom to pick up the pieces. :xmasu

Beautiful

I would probably begin to distance myself from this situation. It is clear that she either 1)likes it -or- 2) isn't ready to get help to fix the root of her problem. Either way, if it drains you then it isn't worth the time to hang out. The bottom will eventually hit and then your close friendship will be able to re-grow as a healthy one. Until then, be yourself and enjoy your life.

chess

Thanks guys. I just feel so helpless and afraid for my friend and her kid. It's like when ever this guy is on her best behaviour althought never sober for long my friend acts like she's under a spell and starts drinking and sorta gets starry eyed and the booze starts to talk. When I asked her how come the guy is back she replied that he's just so cute. ??? I don't understand what's cute about someone who you know may use you as a punching bag whenever he feels like it. And how come she only takes him back when she herself is drunk.

I think the bottom line is that I'm sad to be losing a friend and more so I'm scared for her life. And I don't understand how come she values herself and her sons life so little. But I guess that's alcoholic for you. Not caring. It's just so hard to understand that someone would choose this. I think I would understand it better if he would threaten her to come back but not the willingly choosing to go back in and acting like nothing ever happened. The other thing I'm having difficulties with is the fact that I'm afraid of this guy and can see that he's irrational so if I'm scared what about that little boy who's seen this guy repeatedly beat up her mother. And what I gather from her she's not explaining the guys behaviour to her son cos as she says she doesn't know what to say.

minnie

Chess,

The title of this thread intrigued me. Why are you upset WITH your friend? Why not upset FOR her? Just curious.....

I don't know that you can do anything but be there for her when she needs you. Have numbers of shelters handy when she comes to you next time. Have details of Al-anon/AA meetings to give her next time.

I am concerned about her child, though. Is he in danger himself? I'm not surprised that your friend isn't able to explain the b/f's behaviour, because to me there isn't an explanation. I don't know what help is available in your area for children in this situation, but I would think that his safety is paramount. She is an adult and has the capacity to make choices, however bad we think they are. The little guy doesn't have that luxury.

Godd luck with whatever you decide.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Dawn10

Chess,
Minnie has a good point about your friend's child. If you feel he is in danger, you must act. You can make an anonymous call to CPS and they will investigate. It MAY be the wake-up call she needs, but I wouldn't guarantee it.
Battered woman syndrome is well documented and it is conumdrum to many of us. I too do not understand why they keep going back, but they do.

And as you say, they frequently are alcoholic or aldohol dependent. My friend too used alcohol to numb some of those feelings the abuse brought on.
Good luck!

chess

Minnie: I think at first I was upset with my friend cos I was expecting more of her and really was happy to see her doing so much better when the boyfriend was out of the picture. I think my disappoinment got mixed in with my worry about her.

So far her boyfriend hasn't touched the kid as far as I know but I've seen this guy attack strangers that upset him so I'm not sure if he's capable of drawing the line anywhere.

I'm having hard time with gathering my thoughts since I'm really angry at my friend for taking this guy back. Angry because no one deserves to be beat up and angry cos she cannot see or admit this. I guess if she wanted to let herself be beat them fine that's her choice but she's not making choices just for herself anymore and this angers me. So at the moment I'm staying away from her cos I know she does not need me telling her off too. Althought I did tell her that there's nothing funny about someone using her as a punching bag and without therapy that's how her boyfriend was going to continue to behave. Then we got off the topic into a safer area and I haven't talked to her since. I will see her next week though.

I did get her all the possible numbers where she can call if she wants to talk to someone about her situation and explained that there are numbers she can call anonymous even. Now it seems she's just taken the guy back and everything is rosy until the guy makes up his mind to unload some of his pressures into her. It's just so insane. The other thing I'm wary of is that if I meddle into her affairs then her boyfriend may close in on me and start haressing me. I certainly do know he's capable of this.

This all is just so stressing for me and I'm on the outside looking in. I cannot even imagine how bad it is for her and her kid to live with this time bomb. Where are all the Clints and Rambo's when you need them?

paula a.

Watching someone continually return to an abusive relationship is difficult to watch, it is more difficult to understand...HOWEVER, I firmly believe no one LIKES to be abused. The only difference between an alcoholic, abusive relationship with violence and an alcoholic abusive relationship without it are physical scars. How many of us in this forum can say that we haven't suffered one form, or the other, or both and continued on, at least for awhile, hoping for our fairy tale to come true??

There are so many reasons she may be taking him back (none of them probably good) and I'm guessing when she replied "because he's so cute", it was to lighten the mood with you, not because that was her reason for taking him back.

Please don't abandon your friend completely. Distance yourself if you must but tell her why. I understand your fear of the boyfriend, and by all means avoid him--but she needs to know that there is someone out there that is supportive of her, whatever choice she makes.
Hugs,
Paula