Still In OC
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello Minnie,
I guess the difficulty is I’m not one to have short-term relationships or that I believed in love.
Do I think I have been conned? No, I think in her mind she feels she did right and is doing right now. Thus alcoholism.
Did she let me down? I think she did the best she could. I really do not think I let myself down due to the fact I did not know any better.
So what it comes down to Minnie is that I’m hurt and that I do not believe in disposable relationships like so many do. A hopeless romantic at heart I guess.
The story about your ex makes sense.
My wife’s 2nd ex confirms a lot. I really do not think she can handle the pressures of a relationship.
She did try, in her own way , and now we are here.
No I do not want to feel bad for the rest of my life, but I also can not ignore how I feel for this woman or her son. There is no way of just shutting off the pain when I want to.
I guess the difficulty is I’m not one to have short-term relationships or that I believed in love.
Do I think I have been conned? No, I think in her mind she feels she did right and is doing right now. Thus alcoholism.
Did she let me down? I think she did the best she could. I really do not think I let myself down due to the fact I did not know any better.
So what it comes down to Minnie is that I’m hurt and that I do not believe in disposable relationships like so many do. A hopeless romantic at heart I guess.
The story about your ex makes sense.
My wife’s 2nd ex confirms a lot. I really do not think she can handle the pressures of a relationship.
She did try, in her own way , and now we are here.
No I do not want to feel bad for the rest of my life, but I also can not ignore how I feel for this woman or her son. There is no way of just shutting off the pain when I want to.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Then dont shut off the pain... feel it and learn from it.
God does not make mistakes, therefore what you shared was ment to happen, just like what you are going through now is part of your growth.
Try looking at it that way and giving thanks that he thinks your worthy of the time and attention it takes to create the person you will become and start looking for ways to apply what you have learned in helping others.
Im a hopeless romantic too.... but I have faith that what he is doing with me is preparing me for something/someone..... and BOY that something/someone is going to be a dosy cuz I have been torn apart limb by limb.... Not only by my ex-ABF but all the other A's in my life as well, he was just a part of a bigger picture that I was not willing to see till now.
I sure hope this helps.... *hugs*
God does not make mistakes, therefore what you shared was ment to happen, just like what you are going through now is part of your growth.
Try looking at it that way and giving thanks that he thinks your worthy of the time and attention it takes to create the person you will become and start looking for ways to apply what you have learned in helping others.
Im a hopeless romantic too.... but I have faith that what he is doing with me is preparing me for something/someone..... and BOY that something/someone is going to be a dosy cuz I have been torn apart limb by limb.... Not only by my ex-ABF but all the other A's in my life as well, he was just a part of a bigger picture that I was not willing to see till now.
I sure hope this helps.... *hugs*
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello all.
Well I went on the date I hade on Saturday.
Spent WAAAAAAAY too much $$$ and I do not have the extra to spend either.
Had fun, but that's about all.
The last 2 days I have been feeling very out of place.
Lost fo a better lack of words.
Like I said spent too much cash so I will pay for it the rest of the month and heavyat that.
Then there is the fact that although I had a good time and ther were some moments there on the date, I good take her or leave her.
Not trying to be mean here, just feeling that way.
So many questions here and I feel very unsure right now about alot of stuff.
Lack of direction might be it.
Well I went on the date I hade on Saturday.
Spent WAAAAAAAY too much $$$ and I do not have the extra to spend either.
Had fun, but that's about all.
The last 2 days I have been feeling very out of place.
Lost fo a better lack of words.
Like I said spent too much cash so I will pay for it the rest of the month and heavyat that.
Then there is the fact that although I had a good time and ther were some moments there on the date, I good take her or leave her.
Not trying to be mean here, just feeling that way.
So many questions here and I feel very unsure right now about alot of stuff.
Lack of direction might be it.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Been some time since contact.
My Wife called today. She was setting up the PC after all this time and noticed that the keyboard was sticking and did not work well.
Well I knew of this when she picked it up, but never said anything. It needed a new one due to the fact my dimwitted roommate spilled soda on it.
She asked me to help walk her through it.
I told her that I felt with what she told me that she should get a new one.
I then asked how she and my stepson were and she said ok, but not good if she could not get this fixed.
(?)
Ok, here is is the interesting part.
She then tells me she will just go next door to her neighbor and get an extra keyboard.
Now wait, if this is the case, then why not ask her friend for help instead of calling big bad me?
She then said she would talk to me later, acted like nothing was wrong.
I’m perplexed.
Any thoughts?
My Wife called today. She was setting up the PC after all this time and noticed that the keyboard was sticking and did not work well.
Well I knew of this when she picked it up, but never said anything. It needed a new one due to the fact my dimwitted roommate spilled soda on it.
She asked me to help walk her through it.
I told her that I felt with what she told me that she should get a new one.
I then asked how she and my stepson were and she said ok, but not good if she could not get this fixed.
(?)
Ok, here is is the interesting part.
She then tells me she will just go next door to her neighbor and get an extra keyboard.
Now wait, if this is the case, then why not ask her friend for help instead of calling big bad me?
She then said she would talk to me later, acted like nothing was wrong.
I’m perplexed.
Any thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Christian -
As long as you let her jerk you around, she will. As long as you sit there and wait for her to change, the longer you will continue to be miserable. There is no "we" any longer. She has gone where she wants to be and you are waiting for her to come back to you. Why? After all the things that you have told us about her, would you actually want her back? Why? Does it feel good to keep banging your head against a brick wall? The woman that you went out with - you had a good time but could "take her or leave her." Did you expect to fall in love in one night?
Lots of questions for you tonight!!!!!! I feel bad for you that you seem stuck in the same place you were in months and months ago. Here is an idea. Try limiting the amount of time that you think of her every day. Give yourself 10 minutes a day and when thoughts of her creep up on you pinch yourself or wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it very, very hard. Make it physically painful when you start obsessing about her. I don't know what else to suggest. There must be some sort of payoff for you to continue to agonize about her. You just can't see that you are so much better off without her. If it were me, I would go get a dog. Animals are so good at easing the pain in our hearts - something to talk to and a warm body to cuddle up with. My dog has helped me through alot.
My wish tonight for you it that you can find a way to let it go find where you belong now. You would be so much happier.
Hugs, Jo
As long as you let her jerk you around, she will. As long as you sit there and wait for her to change, the longer you will continue to be miserable. There is no "we" any longer. She has gone where she wants to be and you are waiting for her to come back to you. Why? After all the things that you have told us about her, would you actually want her back? Why? Does it feel good to keep banging your head against a brick wall? The woman that you went out with - you had a good time but could "take her or leave her." Did you expect to fall in love in one night?
Lots of questions for you tonight!!!!!! I feel bad for you that you seem stuck in the same place you were in months and months ago. Here is an idea. Try limiting the amount of time that you think of her every day. Give yourself 10 minutes a day and when thoughts of her creep up on you pinch yourself or wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it very, very hard. Make it physically painful when you start obsessing about her. I don't know what else to suggest. There must be some sort of payoff for you to continue to agonize about her. You just can't see that you are so much better off without her. If it were me, I would go get a dog. Animals are so good at easing the pain in our hearts - something to talk to and a warm body to cuddle up with. My dog has helped me through alot.
My wish tonight for you it that you can find a way to let it go find where you belong now. You would be so much happier.
Hugs, Jo
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello JoJo,
Well I’m not too sure about how asking me info on a keyboard is jerking me around.
I am dumbfounded by her call to say the least and as you can see it was not a long one at that.
Now as far as waiting for her to come back, I’m not really sure I said she would.
I know I miss her, yes. Can not control that feeling but to accept that it is what it is.
No did not expect to fall in love in one night. The fact of the matter is that when someone tells you they will call, and then does not, can be a sign that they decided not to.
I find it funny in today’s day and age the females will just not call back if they decide not to.
No more talking and explaining that they either do not like you or that they have some one else, etc.
They just ignore you, no respect. So yes I can take that or leave it.
Now I know as the days go on my negative thoughts can CREEP up.
But as Alanon has taught me, I can be loving with all this. This goes for interaction with the Alcoholic.
I just do not have to be condoning the behavior, or enabling her.
In Alanon we learn NOT to be bitter, that just hardens your heart, and there is enough of that already out there.
I have 3 cats, they are great.
There is no pay off with hurting, nope. When you loose a love for whatever reason there is no pay off. All through history we have stories and songs of love lost, and no there is no pay off.
As far as where I belong, I’m not too sure. I’m sure I’ll find out about it.
I do like when people write back with their thoughts such as you.
It gives me a chance to see how others feel about this decease and how they deal with.
Thank you.
Well I’m not too sure about how asking me info on a keyboard is jerking me around.
I am dumbfounded by her call to say the least and as you can see it was not a long one at that.
Now as far as waiting for her to come back, I’m not really sure I said she would.
I know I miss her, yes. Can not control that feeling but to accept that it is what it is.
No did not expect to fall in love in one night. The fact of the matter is that when someone tells you they will call, and then does not, can be a sign that they decided not to.
I find it funny in today’s day and age the females will just not call back if they decide not to.
No more talking and explaining that they either do not like you or that they have some one else, etc.
They just ignore you, no respect. So yes I can take that or leave it.
Now I know as the days go on my negative thoughts can CREEP up.
But as Alanon has taught me, I can be loving with all this. This goes for interaction with the Alcoholic.
I just do not have to be condoning the behavior, or enabling her.
In Alanon we learn NOT to be bitter, that just hardens your heart, and there is enough of that already out there.
I have 3 cats, they are great.
There is no pay off with hurting, nope. When you loose a love for whatever reason there is no pay off. All through history we have stories and songs of love lost, and no there is no pay off.
As far as where I belong, I’m not too sure. I’m sure I’ll find out about it.
I do like when people write back with their thoughts such as you.
It gives me a chance to see how others feel about this decease and how they deal with.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Mr. C
I certainly understand the feeling of not being able to get past something.... my sponsor tells me that I will be suprised in 6 months how much healthier I am... I think everyone here is only concerned that you are stuck and not moving forward.
Jerking you around..... Well, I think what they are trying to say is by having contact at all at this point. My ex-ABF does this to me about every three months and he said something to me last time that caught my attention. He said that he cant go for too long without contacting me. If I keep letting him contact me, and responding to this before I heal and get over it then I get stuck. I end up thinking about him, asking all the old questions, getting angry over the injustice of it all again... etc... and yes that is a way of jerking me around, he is only making sure that I dont forget him I think, and that is much like what I was doing before by thinking of sending him a B-Day card and by responding to him.
I hope that makes since, for me there is going to be no other way through this unless I have no contact till I can heal. After I heal who knows, Im hoping he will not have the power to pull the heart strings and I can be as compasionate as you are without it causing chaos or pain in my life.
*hugs* Trust me there are lots of women out there that are respectful, loving and real.. We are probably all in Al-anon and messed up *chuckles* but we are out there
I certainly understand the feeling of not being able to get past something.... my sponsor tells me that I will be suprised in 6 months how much healthier I am... I think everyone here is only concerned that you are stuck and not moving forward.
Jerking you around..... Well, I think what they are trying to say is by having contact at all at this point. My ex-ABF does this to me about every three months and he said something to me last time that caught my attention. He said that he cant go for too long without contacting me. If I keep letting him contact me, and responding to this before I heal and get over it then I get stuck. I end up thinking about him, asking all the old questions, getting angry over the injustice of it all again... etc... and yes that is a way of jerking me around, he is only making sure that I dont forget him I think, and that is much like what I was doing before by thinking of sending him a B-Day card and by responding to him.
I hope that makes since, for me there is going to be no other way through this unless I have no contact till I can heal. After I heal who knows, Im hoping he will not have the power to pull the heart strings and I can be as compasionate as you are without it causing chaos or pain in my life.
*hugs* Trust me there are lots of women out there that are respectful, loving and real.. We are probably all in Al-anon and messed up *chuckles* but we are out there
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Cynay,
Getting past a broken heart I think takes more.
In all fact I deeply love her, and am very hurt with her leaving.
She has the choose to get help, and she does not.
To see a whole family destroyed along with all your hopes and dreams that you have had together is a tough road to travel.
I still send her and her son cards.
My God UI raised this boy, shut I just forget him also.
What does that say about loving a child that is not your own.
Not a good example that you want to get yourself into. How does one know, we don’t. We take the chance to love.
I really do not see myself “healing” from this loss of love.
Sure I’ll get by, maybe find someone new, I don’t know.
I guess it is easier for some here to just say goodbye. But was that truly love if it was so very easy?
We live in a society today where 2years seems like a long relationship and it’s easy to kick one to the curb and go one.
I myself do not really understand what happened to romance, devotion and understanding in a relationship.
I do know how I feel though.
I do know the great drink has a big part of this but that her problems within have brought us to this place.
Not a very good place, just a place.
EORw,
I am upbeat when she calls and I always try to be nice to her.
She though sounds very sad.
Getting past a broken heart I think takes more.
In all fact I deeply love her, and am very hurt with her leaving.
She has the choose to get help, and she does not.
To see a whole family destroyed along with all your hopes and dreams that you have had together is a tough road to travel.
I still send her and her son cards.
My God UI raised this boy, shut I just forget him also.
What does that say about loving a child that is not your own.
Not a good example that you want to get yourself into. How does one know, we don’t. We take the chance to love.
I really do not see myself “healing” from this loss of love.
Sure I’ll get by, maybe find someone new, I don’t know.
I guess it is easier for some here to just say goodbye. But was that truly love if it was so very easy?
We live in a society today where 2years seems like a long relationship and it’s easy to kick one to the curb and go one.
I myself do not really understand what happened to romance, devotion and understanding in a relationship.
I do know how I feel though.
I do know the great drink has a big part of this but that her problems within have brought us to this place.
Not a very good place, just a place.
EORw,
I am upbeat when she calls and I always try to be nice to her.
She though sounds very sad.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I’m a little fed up with the way the world goes theses days.
You know I had just started meeting people again and this includes women.
You meet them they give out a number you go out and then call them again and hey ignore you.
I asked a younger friend if mine about this and he said what’s the problem, that’s the way it’s done.
Huh?
He said that they go out to have fun, but if you call then again and they do not pick up or return the call, that’s it. They do not have to.
They just want to go out with a lot of guys and have fun.
What is this?
I’m sorry but return a call let a guy know your just full of crap and stop using them.
I think it’s funny you talk with them and they will mention having a really long relationship with some one and it turns out it was 2 years long! HAHAHAHAHA!
Two years????
Damn, this really bites.
This goes back to what I have said before about the lack of respect for people and relationships.
Everything is so disposable.
I had a woman I have known over a year now ask me to go on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera last night in the near future.
I told her that she knows we really had that kind of relationship.
She said it was ok, she just wanted to drink have fun and sex with me over a weeks time.
No strings.
Ok…..
What’s going on here?
I do not think I’m cut out for this game of fun and run.
I’m I nuts?
You know I had just started meeting people again and this includes women.
You meet them they give out a number you go out and then call them again and hey ignore you.
I asked a younger friend if mine about this and he said what’s the problem, that’s the way it’s done.
Huh?
He said that they go out to have fun, but if you call then again and they do not pick up or return the call, that’s it. They do not have to.
They just want to go out with a lot of guys and have fun.
What is this?
I’m sorry but return a call let a guy know your just full of crap and stop using them.
I think it’s funny you talk with them and they will mention having a really long relationship with some one and it turns out it was 2 years long! HAHAHAHAHA!
Two years????
Damn, this really bites.
This goes back to what I have said before about the lack of respect for people and relationships.
Everything is so disposable.
I had a woman I have known over a year now ask me to go on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera last night in the near future.
I told her that she knows we really had that kind of relationship.
She said it was ok, she just wanted to drink have fun and sex with me over a weeks time.
No strings.
Ok…..
What’s going on here?
I do not think I’m cut out for this game of fun and run.
I’m I nuts?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Nahh your not nuts... you just want something different.
But if that is all they want, then there is no alternative but to accept that, you cant place your morals or your beliefs on another person just cuz they are not in the same place you are at.
I dont think relationships are disposable, but I also dont believe that there is only one "soulmate" out there for each person... for me its ok that I loved and loved deeply, its ok that Im hurt from it and take the time needed to heal. But it will not be ok for me to allow another to treat me unacceptably and spend my life forever mourning this person because they could not love me the way I need to be loved.
My last marriage was to a man who had 2 children from another marriage.... and yes I had known them since they were 3 and 4 years old... When I left that marriage I also had to leave them. I have never forgotten them or stopped loving them but Im not their Mother and I had to come to realize that to let them go is a part of loving them. I have heard from then since saying thank you for being there for them when their father and I were married. The bottom line is remembering my place, when the relationship ends and you have no legal right to that child... you have to learn to let go.
I do no good for myself, my daughter or any hope of finding the kind of relationship I want one day if I hang on to the old hurt and baggage. If this is the decision they made, to leave the relationship... I have to respect that decision, but that does not mean that they can keep walking into my life and touching base. Nope that is their feel good tatic. My ex-ABF has done this to me for 7 months... everytime I have been there, loving and supportive... every time Im the one that is hurt again.... SO enough, I changed my number.
I hope for you that you get through all this, accept life on lifes terms and find happiness.... real happiness.
But if that is all they want, then there is no alternative but to accept that, you cant place your morals or your beliefs on another person just cuz they are not in the same place you are at.
I dont think relationships are disposable, but I also dont believe that there is only one "soulmate" out there for each person... for me its ok that I loved and loved deeply, its ok that Im hurt from it and take the time needed to heal. But it will not be ok for me to allow another to treat me unacceptably and spend my life forever mourning this person because they could not love me the way I need to be loved.
My last marriage was to a man who had 2 children from another marriage.... and yes I had known them since they were 3 and 4 years old... When I left that marriage I also had to leave them. I have never forgotten them or stopped loving them but Im not their Mother and I had to come to realize that to let them go is a part of loving them. I have heard from then since saying thank you for being there for them when their father and I were married. The bottom line is remembering my place, when the relationship ends and you have no legal right to that child... you have to learn to let go.
I do no good for myself, my daughter or any hope of finding the kind of relationship I want one day if I hang on to the old hurt and baggage. If this is the decision they made, to leave the relationship... I have to respect that decision, but that does not mean that they can keep walking into my life and touching base. Nope that is their feel good tatic. My ex-ABF has done this to me for 7 months... everytime I have been there, loving and supportive... every time Im the one that is hurt again.... SO enough, I changed my number.
I hope for you that you get through all this, accept life on lifes terms and find happiness.... real happiness.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Christian -
"But was it really love if it was so very easy?" Who said it has been easy for anyone? It is not easy for anyone to lose their hopes and dreams. It is not easy for anyone to watch someone they love deteriorate. How can you even suggest that it is?
I did most of my grieving while we were still together. Each year got tougher and tougher to get through. Each year my feelings of trust and love diminished. With the final episode it just became too much to bear and I needed to leave to save myself. Was it easy? Hell no. Was it necessary for my survival. Yes.
I am a survivor so I have done my best to move forward and not continue to let him drag me down with him. I made a conscious decision to take care of myself knowing there was nothing I could do to "save" him.
Please don't assume that because others don't react as you do that they didn't really love someone or that they haven't been hurting or grieving. We all choose how we react to what life hands us. You continue to hang on to a relationship that no longer exists and that has been your choice. I hope that one day soon that you will choose a path that makes you happier and more at peace with yourself.
Jo
"But was it really love if it was so very easy?" Who said it has been easy for anyone? It is not easy for anyone to lose their hopes and dreams. It is not easy for anyone to watch someone they love deteriorate. How can you even suggest that it is?
I did most of my grieving while we were still together. Each year got tougher and tougher to get through. Each year my feelings of trust and love diminished. With the final episode it just became too much to bear and I needed to leave to save myself. Was it easy? Hell no. Was it necessary for my survival. Yes.
I am a survivor so I have done my best to move forward and not continue to let him drag me down with him. I made a conscious decision to take care of myself knowing there was nothing I could do to "save" him.
Please don't assume that because others don't react as you do that they didn't really love someone or that they haven't been hurting or grieving. We all choose how we react to what life hands us. You continue to hang on to a relationship that no longer exists and that has been your choice. I hope that one day soon that you will choose a path that makes you happier and more at peace with yourself.
Jo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 11
Hey~
I just wanted to say "Hi" from another Southern Californian!
I am sorry for what you are going thru! Our feelings get us every time, don't they?? The logic is there and so often it is overridden by our feelings. I am new to all this and am hoping this site and Al-Anon will help me get better, so that I can work thru those feelings, as I am sure you are.
As far as what your ex said about the abuse, I think that she's is justifying her own behavior by telling everyone that you abused her. Unfortunately, with Alcoholics....it's all about them!!
Hang in there!
I just wanted to say "Hi" from another Southern Californian!
I am sorry for what you are going thru! Our feelings get us every time, don't they?? The logic is there and so often it is overridden by our feelings. I am new to all this and am hoping this site and Al-Anon will help me get better, so that I can work thru those feelings, as I am sure you are.
As far as what your ex said about the abuse, I think that she's is justifying her own behavior by telling everyone that you abused her. Unfortunately, with Alcoholics....it's all about them!!
Hang in there!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Thanks all of you....
Now read this one....
As I got ready for work the wife calls again.
Now before I go any further, yes I said a couple things her I should not have, so here we go.
She told me she did get another keyboard and that she was trying to put up the little web Cam so she could send to her relatives.
I missed her brothers wedding of course and a lot of people were there so she wanted to contact them.
She was missing a piece to it and wondered if I would look for it.
Now mind you a $4.00 piece of plastic is not worth all the hassle of getting it. I mean what’s up here gang?
She said she did not have too much time to talk because she was getting ready for work.
I asked about her job.
Get this, she is bartending. She said she is doing well, and the tips are great.
So she tells me she is finally getting things together since her back injury.
I told her great..
I asked about my son and she told me that he was getting big, that he has all my letters now, but it will take some time to talk with him.
She said she is not talking down about me and is letting him work through it on his own.
I asked where she was working but she seemed reluctant in letting me know.
I told her I had sent off some items, letters, to her.
I said it’s been rough not being able to talk with either of them.
She said it sounded like it did not bother me a bit, that I was ok with it.
HUH?
I told her no, I was not.
I let her know although I’m doing my own thing, by no means have I stopped loving or missing them both.
I asked I’m not to sure what to do in my life right now.
She said she figured that I would just find someone.
I said no, that is not the case.
Then I asked.
Is that what you really want me to do?
Do you really want me to move on and find someone?
She said nothing, no reply, not a word.
I told her that I felt a very strong bond with her and that I believed in time we could get past it all.
She said she was very angry still that she and others felt like she was being “pimped out” in her line of work.
I told her that I never wanted her to dance and that we treating it like a business with regulars, appearances and shows, that I understood that it got WAY out of hand.
I told her I was sorry she felt that way.
She also felt she lost a lot of time with her son, which she did, but blamed me for that.
I decided I was not going to comment, just listen.
I told her I am sorry she felt that way.
I said it was hard talking sometimes because I never know what to believe.
With all the BS coming back to me about “OM”, I told her that yes I am hurt, and yes I would like to know so straight answers.
Well that was my mistake, she let me have it.
She told me she did not care what others are saying that we covered it.
That she did not want to talk about it again, and that this is why she did not call, because I could not let it go.
I said I was sorry, but that she must understand that no man wants to hear that his wife is , without better way of saying it, is shacked up.
I told her ok, lets drop that one.
We moved on.
We covered some bill issues, which is good.
She wondered if I would look for this little cam part and I said I would.
She asked about talking to me later, I said ok.
Will you call me or shall I call you?
I gave her the times I worked and she said ok.
I wished her a good day at work and she did the same and we said goodbye.
Im very emotional about this call, I know I made some blunders here with the other man stuff, but can you blame me.
I do not get much contact.
Now it seems things are changing a bit.
Please advise!!!
I’m also thinking the wedding. might have stirred things up a bit.
Emotions are always high at those.
God I love this girl and miss her so.
Now the choice of work.
Bad, but not mine to say
I’m feeling I blew it, but I’m not knowing what to do.
She never gives me a straight reply on what she wants or what is happening.
I’m hurting and happy and confused please help before I really blow this!
Now read this one....
As I got ready for work the wife calls again.
Now before I go any further, yes I said a couple things her I should not have, so here we go.
She told me she did get another keyboard and that she was trying to put up the little web Cam so she could send to her relatives.
I missed her brothers wedding of course and a lot of people were there so she wanted to contact them.
She was missing a piece to it and wondered if I would look for it.
Now mind you a $4.00 piece of plastic is not worth all the hassle of getting it. I mean what’s up here gang?
She said she did not have too much time to talk because she was getting ready for work.
I asked about her job.
Get this, she is bartending. She said she is doing well, and the tips are great.
So she tells me she is finally getting things together since her back injury.
I told her great..
I asked about my son and she told me that he was getting big, that he has all my letters now, but it will take some time to talk with him.
She said she is not talking down about me and is letting him work through it on his own.
I asked where she was working but she seemed reluctant in letting me know.
I told her I had sent off some items, letters, to her.
I said it’s been rough not being able to talk with either of them.
She said it sounded like it did not bother me a bit, that I was ok with it.
HUH?
I told her no, I was not.
I let her know although I’m doing my own thing, by no means have I stopped loving or missing them both.
I asked I’m not to sure what to do in my life right now.
She said she figured that I would just find someone.
I said no, that is not the case.
Then I asked.
Is that what you really want me to do?
Do you really want me to move on and find someone?
She said nothing, no reply, not a word.
I told her that I felt a very strong bond with her and that I believed in time we could get past it all.
She said she was very angry still that she and others felt like she was being “pimped out” in her line of work.
I told her that I never wanted her to dance and that we treating it like a business with regulars, appearances and shows, that I understood that it got WAY out of hand.
I told her I was sorry she felt that way.
She also felt she lost a lot of time with her son, which she did, but blamed me for that.
I decided I was not going to comment, just listen.
I told her I am sorry she felt that way.
I said it was hard talking sometimes because I never know what to believe.
With all the BS coming back to me about “OM”, I told her that yes I am hurt, and yes I would like to know so straight answers.
Well that was my mistake, she let me have it.
She told me she did not care what others are saying that we covered it.
That she did not want to talk about it again, and that this is why she did not call, because I could not let it go.
I said I was sorry, but that she must understand that no man wants to hear that his wife is , without better way of saying it, is shacked up.
I told her ok, lets drop that one.
We moved on.
We covered some bill issues, which is good.
She wondered if I would look for this little cam part and I said I would.
She asked about talking to me later, I said ok.
Will you call me or shall I call you?
I gave her the times I worked and she said ok.
I wished her a good day at work and she did the same and we said goodbye.
Im very emotional about this call, I know I made some blunders here with the other man stuff, but can you blame me.
I do not get much contact.
Now it seems things are changing a bit.
Please advise!!!
I’m also thinking the wedding. might have stirred things up a bit.
Emotions are always high at those.
God I love this girl and miss her so.
Now the choice of work.
Bad, but not mine to say
I’m feeling I blew it, but I’m not knowing what to do.
She never gives me a straight reply on what she wants or what is happening.
I’m hurting and happy and confused please help before I really blow this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I saw your post last night and did not reply because Im not sure what to say.
I have to wonder if you dont give her too much power. I know for me its always nice to have that person in the wings, knowing at anytime if I need an ego boost or things are not going well in my life I can call them and KNOW they are pining for me, that Im loved and they are at my disposal....
Took me many years to realize how selfish this is, to really look at my behavior and call a spade a spade.... I was using them, hurting them in the process and giving alot of false hope cuz I was not really going in that direction, I just wanted to know they were there and I was wanted.... It did not matter then that I was causing chaos in his mind.
She sounds the same to me. It was not until I realized that being alone is not only ok, but healthy... till ALOT of theaphy and ALOT of looking inward that I was able to correct this behavior.
I know that you love her, that you want that relationship and I can COMPLETELY understand... Im in the same boat, but what you want perhaps is not what is BEST for you or her.... If you really want to help her and yourself get through this.... pray for his will, take the steps to stop being her doormat and give her the freedom to live her life how she wants.... mistakes and all. You have to understand if it was ment to be.... It would be, nothing you can do or say will make it different.
I have to wonder if you dont give her too much power. I know for me its always nice to have that person in the wings, knowing at anytime if I need an ego boost or things are not going well in my life I can call them and KNOW they are pining for me, that Im loved and they are at my disposal....
Took me many years to realize how selfish this is, to really look at my behavior and call a spade a spade.... I was using them, hurting them in the process and giving alot of false hope cuz I was not really going in that direction, I just wanted to know they were there and I was wanted.... It did not matter then that I was causing chaos in his mind.
She sounds the same to me. It was not until I realized that being alone is not only ok, but healthy... till ALOT of theaphy and ALOT of looking inward that I was able to correct this behavior.
I know that you love her, that you want that relationship and I can COMPLETELY understand... Im in the same boat, but what you want perhaps is not what is BEST for you or her.... If you really want to help her and yourself get through this.... pray for his will, take the steps to stop being her doormat and give her the freedom to live her life how she wants.... mistakes and all. You have to understand if it was ment to be.... It would be, nothing you can do or say will make it different.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
You know gang it comes down to loving someone and missing him or her.
I truly love her, and even after a year I can honestly say that I do.
It does get better coping with myself, but I shall never get over her, it was just to deep.
On another note.
We had a little brown cat named Shady.
He lived out back here in our little complex for a few years even before we came here.
Shady would come in and eat with our cats, spend a few nights here and show great love.
He watched over the little compound and played with the bugs in the sunlight.
He would share food with the possum mother and her young and hung out with the raccoon family.
He was a little gift.
It’s been 4 days now since he has been seen and I fear the worst.
My roommates and I have searched for Shady and even went to the local pound.
I’m sad to say he is no where to be found.
I really miss my friend Shady and I’m a bit broken up about it.
It seems that everything that really matters and everyone I truly care for seem to go.
I hate this being a life of loss.
He was such a good cat.
I truly love her, and even after a year I can honestly say that I do.
It does get better coping with myself, but I shall never get over her, it was just to deep.
On another note.
We had a little brown cat named Shady.
He lived out back here in our little complex for a few years even before we came here.
Shady would come in and eat with our cats, spend a few nights here and show great love.
He watched over the little compound and played with the bugs in the sunlight.
He would share food with the possum mother and her young and hung out with the raccoon family.
He was a little gift.
It’s been 4 days now since he has been seen and I fear the worst.
My roommates and I have searched for Shady and even went to the local pound.
I’m sad to say he is no where to be found.
I really miss my friend Shady and I’m a bit broken up about it.
It seems that everything that really matters and everyone I truly care for seem to go.
I hate this being a life of loss.
He was such a good cat.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Ghosts from the past seem to haunt us on different levels.
I’m finding this out in the most unusual fashion.
You see I learned something interesting about love the human mind and emotion these past few days.
I thought that the fact that my wife had been calling the past few days was the sole fact and reason for my depression and anguish to start again, but alas it was but a by product that even she would not understand.
Let us go back to this last Sunday night.
May be further though.
You see after my 1st marriage was finish with her adultery I had lost faith altogether in women and most importantly God.
With meeting my wife of now, we lived a very decadent lifestyle.
Drinking, drugs, sex games and even other women. Yep it was all there, and things I never thought of, but she brought it in our lives and I let her.
I loved and trusted her, how could it hurt? Why would she hurt me?
Everything in her past came to light and her little problems of drinking became HUGE.
After she had left came Alanon, church and various other ways of discovery.
I have been completely lost. I entered into things with this girl that were always taboo.
Now I was alone, licking my wounds without a soul, both literally and figuratively.
I guess with her past how could I be surprised at how she had treated me or with the cheating.
I fine little niche I had carved out for myself.
I guess if we fast forward I had lost even more faith that she would make any more contact other then what she had for things she needed or wanted.
I stopped reading a lot. But I kept reading my Bible.
Sunday night I did again, and fell asleep praying for my wife and son.
Monday morning came and I was getting ready for work when I heard a thud near my bed.
The bible was on the floor, standing binder up with a small slip of paper on top of it.
Looked as if it was put that way.
I went over and the slip of paper had my wife’s nickname on it.
It’s a common word but it stood out.
Odd I thought.
Odd even when you think that it happened to a man who has lost all faith in God and man and a man that does not believe in divine action.
Or so it seemed
That was when the 1st call came in from her, ten minutes later.
Then the call on the 3rd day.
I was praying for contact, then it came. However strange, whatever you think about it, I can not explain.
You will have your own way of looking at it.
But since then I have been a mess, very emotional.
I went to a meeting tonight and spoke to a friend. He asked me an interesting question.
He asked about the time the mess started last year.
When did this breakup really start to happen last year at home.
I thought for a moment, oh my God it was this week a year ago that she dropped this wonderful bomb.
A year and now she called also.
A year of the count down to her leaving. The 27th of this month is the day.
He told me that it happens a lot that we in our minds remember these things. The time of year, the weather, the feelings, all of it.
These little ghosts of the past have risen to haunt us.
I assume for her also since she had mentioned a year now.
A funny way of looking at this. But as I look back I feel all of it again.
The fear is so strong and I seem so very cold these past few days.
I do not look forward to the 27th at all.
But I must say I understand my feelings more.
A year since my wife left.
A year since the horror began.
A year since I became free and a year since I started to die and live at the same time.
I’m finding this out in the most unusual fashion.
You see I learned something interesting about love the human mind and emotion these past few days.
I thought that the fact that my wife had been calling the past few days was the sole fact and reason for my depression and anguish to start again, but alas it was but a by product that even she would not understand.
Let us go back to this last Sunday night.
May be further though.
You see after my 1st marriage was finish with her adultery I had lost faith altogether in women and most importantly God.
With meeting my wife of now, we lived a very decadent lifestyle.
Drinking, drugs, sex games and even other women. Yep it was all there, and things I never thought of, but she brought it in our lives and I let her.
I loved and trusted her, how could it hurt? Why would she hurt me?
Everything in her past came to light and her little problems of drinking became HUGE.
After she had left came Alanon, church and various other ways of discovery.
I have been completely lost. I entered into things with this girl that were always taboo.
Now I was alone, licking my wounds without a soul, both literally and figuratively.
I guess with her past how could I be surprised at how she had treated me or with the cheating.
I fine little niche I had carved out for myself.
I guess if we fast forward I had lost even more faith that she would make any more contact other then what she had for things she needed or wanted.
I stopped reading a lot. But I kept reading my Bible.
Sunday night I did again, and fell asleep praying for my wife and son.
Monday morning came and I was getting ready for work when I heard a thud near my bed.
The bible was on the floor, standing binder up with a small slip of paper on top of it.
Looked as if it was put that way.
I went over and the slip of paper had my wife’s nickname on it.
It’s a common word but it stood out.
Odd I thought.
Odd even when you think that it happened to a man who has lost all faith in God and man and a man that does not believe in divine action.
Or so it seemed
That was when the 1st call came in from her, ten minutes later.
Then the call on the 3rd day.
I was praying for contact, then it came. However strange, whatever you think about it, I can not explain.
You will have your own way of looking at it.
But since then I have been a mess, very emotional.
I went to a meeting tonight and spoke to a friend. He asked me an interesting question.
He asked about the time the mess started last year.
When did this breakup really start to happen last year at home.
I thought for a moment, oh my God it was this week a year ago that she dropped this wonderful bomb.
A year and now she called also.
A year of the count down to her leaving. The 27th of this month is the day.
He told me that it happens a lot that we in our minds remember these things. The time of year, the weather, the feelings, all of it.
These little ghosts of the past have risen to haunt us.
I assume for her also since she had mentioned a year now.
A funny way of looking at this. But as I look back I feel all of it again.
The fear is so strong and I seem so very cold these past few days.
I do not look forward to the 27th at all.
But I must say I understand my feelings more.
A year since my wife left.
A year since the horror began.
A year since I became free and a year since I started to die and live at the same time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
(((((Christian))))))
One question that keeps coming to mind........
What is it that you miss about her? The lifestyle, the chaos, the companionship?
Seems she brought you into a whole other world that you have never experienced. Could this be what you miss so much?
Maybe the note on the bible with her nickname was a sign for you to remember exactly what it is that you really miss. How do you know her best by her nickname? When did she use it the most? Or did she use her nickname every day?
Just some thoughts I was having....sorry if I seem intrusive.
One question that keeps coming to mind........
What is it that you miss about her? The lifestyle, the chaos, the companionship?
Seems she brought you into a whole other world that you have never experienced. Could this be what you miss so much?
Maybe the note on the bible with her nickname was a sign for you to remember exactly what it is that you really miss. How do you know her best by her nickname? When did she use it the most? Or did she use her nickname every day?
Just some thoughts I was having....sorry if I seem intrusive.
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