Dazed&Confused

Hi Guys: I have been lurking here for awhile, taking everything in and being amazed at the wisdom and knowledge that I hear from those that post here. I have been attempting to learn and gain insight from everyone's perspectives...and appreciate the knowledge from those that know, and have experienced, and have been here awhile.

I am so, so sad tonight and am finally at the point where I need to post....need...need...need...jeez, I am so needy lately.

I will try to brief you, as briefly as I can!

I am 49 years old...married for 30 years this August. Three children...the youngest is 20, and the last at home...still in college. Husband retired from a major-city police department in the last year, after 25 years. For the first 20 years he was the most awesome husband and father...I often told people that if something happened between the two of us, my kids would be just as well off with him as they would be with me. My kids adore him; my oldest is now a homicide detective and no one can tell me it's not because he didn't want to follow in his father's footsteps...my kids adore him and respect him more than anyone on this earth. His children have ALWAYS come first with him, and their love and respect mean more to him than anything. With complete un-biased-ness I can say, without any reserve, that he is the best father that has ever been. My kids place him on the highest pedastal and strive to please him, and emmulate (sp?) him every day of their life. I cannot begin to describe to you the closeness that my kids have with their dad.

My husband is an Italian and comes from an EXTREMELY close Italian family. My husband's brother is a Lt. in the police department; his oldest son is in the police department; his 3rd son was in the police department; my husband was in the police department, my oldest son is in the police department, and now my BIL's son is the the police department. The family name is VERY well known in this department and has had more family members in the department than any other family in the department's history.

In 2000, my husband's nephew was killed in the line of duty. He was my son's best friend, as well as cousin, and my son (the one in the police department) was the first to arrive at the scene and accompanied my nephew to the hospital, and was with him when he was wheeled into surgery. He did not survive.

He was buried on my son's birthday. It has been so devastating...he was only 22 years old, and always wanted to be a police officer, and had his whole life ahead of him, and was such a cool guy. He gave his life for/in the profession that he always wanted to be, but yet it is so bitter-sweet.

He and my husband were very, very close. Since that time, my husband has dealt with his grief through alcohol. I can actually visualize the line that was drawn at that time...and the changes that have occurred since then.

My husband, in the last few years of his career, was the bodyguard for the mayor of our city. His career was actually very interesting; this mayor has held him in high regard and has confided in him in ways that he has not confided in anyone. My husband became VERY close to this mayor's family and children and they mean the world to him. He met many interesting people, including president(s), senators, movie stars, sports stars, foreign diplomats, dignataries, etc., etc.

When he retired, (and this is my PERSONAL opinion), he went from being SOMEBODY (very respected, very admired, very sought-out) in the department, because of his position with the mayor, to a relative nobody. This was a HUGE pill for him to swallow. People used to kiss-his-as* to get to the mayor. And then it was all over. And he CHOSE it to be all over.

Between this and his nephew's death, it has been too much for him (and that doesn't even take into consideration the family-dynamics since he was about 10).

I know this is too long...I will try to condense more...

After about a year of doing nothing but wallowing in his alcohol, he has joined the company I work for as a marketing rep. My husband is a great schmoozer, coozer, kind of guy....the life of the party...the one everyone wants to get to know. Marketing could be his forte. He has always been told that he would make a great sales-man.

I gotta shorten this...

OK, so as a police wife, I always had to worry if he would make it home. Now I worry if my son is going to make it home. Now that I acknowlegde that he has a drinking problem, he feels that I am "suspicious" and "dont' trust him" if he is at the bar until closing...and beyond...until 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 a.m. It doesn't matter that I can't sleep until he gets home (drinking and driving), or that I have to get up and go to work with 1 hrs. sleep...that is MY issue, according to him. In the past he may have done this once or twice a year, to blow off steam and let go of all the bulls(*ut in the department...but if he does it once a week now, I am to understand. He JUST DOESN"T get it...he's in a fog...if he was not drinking excessively,he WOULD NOT do this to me. Just last weekend he went out of here at 6 pm and said he would be back in an hour or so. He came home at 5:00 AM!!! And I am supposed to be OK with this????? We were supposed to go out with friends of ours, and he completely blew them off...my "old" husband would NEVER have gone there.
I "preach" to him constantly, which completely turns him off. As I told him tonite, it is SOOOOO hard for me to comprehend where he's at...for we have been together for SOOOOO long and he's never been here before. If I didn't know him as he used to be, I would be better off...to say that I knew what I was getting into. But I can't say that. It's never been this way. He is so foreign to me. He makes very sincere, heartfelt promises, but can never keep them. I try to get him to understand...over....and over...and over. And in my heart, I know it's NOT him...it's the alcohol, and his illness, and that's what makes him do what he does. But like I told him, I'm in denial, and I keep believing that I will eventually reach him...that something will register. But it doesn't, despite my repeated attempts.

The problem is that he feels to schmooze and cooze these people, it is best dealt with at a bar. He is "laying his groundwork", as he calls it. That is all well and good, except for the fact that after he is drinking for so many hours, and God-forbid, after he drinks more than beer, he loses his mind...he goes into the "fog", as I call it. I can't tell you how many times in the past 6 years he has come rolling in at the crack of dawn.

I gotta end this...but I feel like I haven't begun to express myself...

I don't want to bore you all, so I will wrap this up. I will, perhaps, get into more detail later. I just need, so much, to get your take on all this. My husband has left tonite. He went to stay with his nephew and says that he will come back tomorrow to gather his stuff and leave. He feels that we are just always arguing and are not moving forward. He says all we are doing anymore is hurting each other.

It breaks my heart because I love him with all my heart, and he's all I've known and loved for 30+ years. But strangely enough, I felt a certain amount of peace when he left. I didn't try to keep him here. I didn't try to talk him out of it. I needed to let him go, and I did. This has never happened, in our whole history. How sad is this....he is SUCH a good person, but I don't know what to do, how to get him past this....I can't imagine the rest of my life without him, and yet I don't know if I can fight anymore, and I don't know if I have the strength to go there anymore.

Please help me, someone.

Thank you SOOOO much.

FriendofBill

Dazed....

First, Im sending you a hueg hug ((((((((((((((Dazed)))))))))))))). THats what those little thingys are around your name.

Second, Im glad you wrote all your feelings in the post, it helps to get it out, esp in writing.

Third, and most importantly. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Your story is sooooo similar to many of ours here. A wondeful, loving man who
s life is being altered by a vicious, baffling disease that you probably know nothing about. I feel your pain, becuase I am in the same boat as you. Wanna paddle together? IF so, I HIGHLY suggest you get yourself to Al-Anon. A 12 step fellowship for family/friends of alcoholics/addicts. It is here you will find answers to your questions, people to lean on when you need support, real life hugs and gentle words of wisdom. ALl from people who KNOW how brutal this disease is.

Many times I hear newcomers ask "What can I do to HELP him, the alcoholic"?They usually never like the answer because the cannot understand it, it doesnt make sense to them, its illogical and not fast enough of a solution.

The answer is: Get help yourself.

HOw does that help an alcoholic? Well, for me, it taught me to not preach, not shove MY ideas of how he should live his life down his throat. I found that only angered him and pulled us apart. For a woman to tell a grown man how to live his life is emmasculating and insulting to him. I had to let him make those decisions for himself.

Focusing on myself taught me that I was ill, too. I needed some "minor corrective" mind surgery. I had to acknowledge my part in enabling, caretaking him. He may be the alcoholic, but I was the massive enabler who saved his butt too many times that he never had a chance to learn how to save it on his own.

Dazed, you have choices. Sit in the crappola and suffer, or get up, dust off your knees and go ask for help. Its out there and it will save your life.

You cannot control his disease
You did not cause his disease
YOu cannot cure it.

But you can survive, I am, so many of us are,,,we got a new set of tools to build our lives up..I got my in Al-Anon....I wish you luck and love and hope you keep coming back!

XXOO
FOB

Dazed&Confused

FOB, thank you so much for taking the time to respond; I appreciate it SOOO much.

I have been to Al-Anon...about four times. But I have this huge issue that I can't get past.

It's the detachment issue. If I am to detach, and allow him to wallow in his alcoholism, and let it go as it goes...it means that I must emotionally remove myself from the situation. Basically, he goes his way and does his thing, and I go my way and do my thing.

I have sat and listened to the others at the meetings. Many have succesfully "removed" themselves from the situation, and do not allow their SO's to affect their everyday emotions (at least to the best of their ability). Many sit at a meeting while their SO is at the bar.

My problem is this: my relationship has been so much more than that. I know the difference. If I am going to go about living my own life and doing what is necessary for me, regardless of the relationship, then as far as I can see, I don't have a relationship. He has always been my most trusted, reliable friend, and I will have to give that up. If I give that up, then I don't see where I have a relationship of value. And if I don't have a relationship of value, then why I am I holding on?

I see detachment as a way of each living our own life, regardless of each other and despite each other. That is not acceptable to me. That is not what a marriage, a true marriage, is all about. We've never been about that, and I don't know that I can start now.

If I am misconstruing the concept of detachment, please let me know.

I am so confused. And dazed. And sad.

Thanks so much for your input; it means more than you'll ever know.

JennyK

First of all WELCOME...you will find comfort here and love and advice and a place to just say whatever you need to say...no matter how long it might get...type away.

From just reading your post, my first thought is that YOU are being presented with a great opportunity to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and learn even more about how to take care of yourself.

There are lots of folks here you have been exactly where you are and are amazingly strong and wise. I hope they post to you.

I would just say to you a few mantras or words of wisdom that I have learned.

*Learn what you can and can not control.

*Spend NO energy or thoughts on things that are out of your control.

*Take joy in good moments.

*Take care of yourself. Take this time to find a part of yourself and explore it. Learn a new craft, take a class, grow as a person.

*Find some phrase or mantra that you can chant whenever you are tempted to "nag". Just say it over and over and over in your head until it gets rid of the other things that you wanted to say.

*Know that there is NOTHING you can say that will make an impact on his decision making. And know that there is a great deal you can DO to make sure that you are impacting your own life course.

*Know that he is full of rage, by nagging, talking about it, addressing it, making it an issue, he then has a target for his rage...YOU. You are doing him a HUGE disservice by thinking anything you can say will make a difference. Take yourself out of the relationship between your husband and alcohol. He will then have no reason to rage with you. THIS was the hardest and most important lesson to learn. HIS BEHAVIOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU...so don't make it.

*Be very very kind to yourself. I can tell from your post that you are so loving and caring and so hurting right now. Can you find a therapist? Just to talk about you.

That is all for now, I hope you continue to post and please...write volumes...people read it and it sure does help to type it out.

And you know what...no matter what happens...YOU will be fine in the end.

Jenny

JennyK

Oh yeah about that...

I had to learn in the beginning to visualize that I had 2 different husbands. One was the man I knew and loved and the other was "Phil".

When my husband walked in the door or woke up in the morning or was just around I was able to be just be as have always been and love him and live with him and just be with him.

When "Phil" came home, I had to put on my happy face and chatter about my day and ask easy questions like "what do you want for dinner" and basically ignore him and detach from his exisitance while still being polite (as if he were a guest).

I had to use this tool for months until it just came naturally to me. In order to live with an active alcoholic you MUST be able to not engage in abnormal behavior on YOUR part.

IN terms of the transition to this...it was so hard, so I had to use the "fake it until you make it" approach and just suffer through it. I was hard to treat my drunk husband as a houseguest rather than rant and rage and nag at him.

I tell you what, it was the best thing I ever learn. Kept my household stable and taught me that I am strong and wise and loving and kept the problem solely in HIS court.

If they could stop just because they loved it, they would. They can't. THAT is a fact that is SO hard to accept , and so very true.

"Phil" still comes over to visit, not as often, and I am very polite to him and feed him and then quickly offer him a place on the couch while I entertain the children elsewhere. My "Phil" goes to bed early and can be easily managed. These days it is usually my husband who walks in the door and I greet him with kisses and love and lots of great attention.

And you know what...when I go to bed at night, I am still proud of who I am. THAT is the hardest lesson to learn.

Hope this helps a bit.

Jenny

Dazed&Confused

Oh Jenny, God Bless You.

I am so amazed that you guys are taking the time to post to the extent that you are posting. That you are trying to respond to me, and my situation, without asking anything in return. That is so awesome. And I appreciate it so much.

I listen. I listen so hard.

The part that hit me the hardest was this, from Jenny:

Know that he is full of rage, by nagging, talking about it, addressing it, making it an issue, he then has a target for his rage...YOU. You are doing him a HUGE disservice by thinking anything you can say will make a difference. Take yourself out of the relationship between your husband and alcohol. He will then have no reason to rage with you. THIS was the hardest and most important lesson to learn. HIS BEHAVIOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU...so don't make it.

This is the hardest part for me. I have given him numerous headaches and have tried, over and over and over, to express myself in a way that he can understand. He tells me that I say the same things over and over and over. It is because I don't understand why he doesn't understand: perhaps I am not expressing myself in a satisfactory way; for surely, if I could express myself sufficiently, he would understand where I'm coming from. It is just that he, as he is now, is so foreign to me. I have been with him for SOOO long and he has never been this person before. And I don't understand how he can't understand.

In my heart, I know it's his illness. I know that I am doing wrong by pressing the issues. But the denial is there, and I keep thinking, he knows how it used to be. We know the difference. How can he not see it and how can I express it so that he finally does?

I told him tonite that it has hit me...that he is incapable of seeing me...my point of view, because he is in this "fog" and as long as he is there, he will never see.

When he is sober he says the most loving, kind, thoughtful things to me. He makes promises and I take them to heart, over and over. I keep on keeping on. As many times as I have been hurt, I still take his words to heart...because I could...for so many years...and now it's all changed and I want to keep it like it was and keep believing in him, but as often as he promises me, he breaks those promises. And I can't go there anymore.

I'm determined to not contact him. He told me he would come by tomorrow and pick up some more of his "stuff". Part of me wants to change the locks and empty out the bank accounts, but I can't...he's a good man on the inside, and this disease is just destroying him. I could care less, truly, about the bank accounts, and I know if I did anything to change it, it would just be out of anger and retribution, and that's not what I truly feel. I am so conflicted between anger...and love....

But, at the same time, I want him to understand the consequences of his actions. He says he does. He says he knows that he has caused this. He acknowledges that he has a problem with alcohol. He says that he can't stand to hurt me anymore. And that is what hurts the most: that he DOES blame himself; that he DOES acknowledge that he's screwed up. But as I told him, the issue is alcohol. And until he can address that, it will always be. And as far as I am concerned, he has made his choice. And it's not me or our marriage.

Dazed&Confused

Jenny, it does help a WHOLE lot.

And that's probably the biggest lesson I need to learn. I have depended on my husband in a lot of ways, and I have always been the happiest when we are together, having fun, communicating, getting along. And this is what I need to let go of.

It's changed now, and I may never get that back. It would be so much easier if I had never known the difference. If I didn't have "how it used to be" to compare to.

But, there are no guarantees in life. Perhaps my best years, in my marriage and otherwise, are past. Perhaps I need to accept that and go forward. I still have my kids and my two granddaughters and maybe I can't depend on my marriage and my relationship with my husband to "complete me". Perhaps this is the lesson here.

He has been so much of a part of me for so long. Perhaps my identity is too wrapped up in his, and I probably would be better off discovering more of myself, regardless of what happens between the two of us. My head tells me this is true...it's just living my life this way that is so difficult. He has been a "part" of me for a longer period of time in my life than he hasn't been. That's a HUGE crisis to overcome.

I know he sees me as so "needy" and I HATE that. In all truthfulness, I do need him for my happiness. Sad, huh? But at the same time, I don't want to need him in this way. I want to be able to be happy without him...or despite him. I want to have a life separate from him.

Perhaps this will be something that I am able to gain, having him gone. Perhaps this is necessary, FOR ME.

JennyK

I had one experience that was such a wake up call for me.

My husband's best friend/drinking buddy was at our house one day just drunk out of his mind. I had happened to come home to get something and he and my husband (who was having a sober period) where in the house. His friend was just drunk out of his mind and spewing all of his problems with his life to my husband. I took the opportunity to listen in for a moment and realized that in his little mind, his wife had no part in his thought process. Everything he was saying was about himself, his alcohol, his extended family, his problem, his concerns, his dreams, his fears, his hopes, his vision and his extremely egocentric view of the world.

I visualized that the roles where reversed and realized that I have so very little to do with my husband and his love affair with alcohol. He does not view this as cheating on me, he feels no guilt, he feels no pleasure, he feels no remorse or no joy. It is simply what he does. I am not a factor.

That moment of clarity took me out of the equation. And the realization that NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING I could say to him would ever remotely touch the part of himself that was relating to alcohol. So I choose to be quiet about that.

I will address the areas that directly concern me. I do very much treat him as a houseguest when he is drunk. If anyone came into my house and started to swear in front of my children, I would ask them to stop. If anyone came into my house and insulted my mother, I would redirect the conversation. If anyone came into my house and verbally abused me, I would walk out of the room and make note to let that person know that it was unaccaptable to me..at another time.

Sooo...it is all about knowing that you have very little if anything to do with his choice to drink. And the fact that he does get drunk is overwhelming all of our thoughts.

Can't even fathom the day that it will not consume you???

You will find that day. YOu have to. You can't control what he does. You can control what occupies your mind.

HARD STUFF....be kind to yourself.

Jenny

Cynay

Ohhhhh D&C...

Welcome to SR. We are so happy that you found us, never worry that you are not making it "short enough" you are actually helping us to understand as well.

I dont have alot of wisdom for you... but one thing I can say, You have to decided what is important to you. Do you/can you live with this man just the way he is? If you dont know... I strongly suggest theraphy/Al-anon... trust me I do understand your point of view on the detachment. I feel the same exact way, but your not talking about a healthy relationship, your talking about a sick person. If he had cancer and depression set in, would you not adjust to the sickness and learning to live with it? Would you not get theraphy to help you through all of it? Honestly this is not much different.

You do have to let go, My ex-ABF (feel silly cuz you had such a lovely long marriage) said the exact same things.. his fault, does not want to hurt me etc.... did not help mch cuz it still hurt. Learning to live with it, accept it is the Key ... well at least as far as I have learned so far.

Keep posting and know that we really do care!

Bobcat27

Dear Dazed and confused...

Wow, can I relate in some ways. My husband of 10 yrs is an alcoholic. We have three youg children (8-6-2) who also used to be the highlight of his life. My husband is also in Law Enforcement for 16 yrs (Captain), his dad was for 30 yrs and his brother is as well. I finally gave him a choice to get help or move out. He chose to move out and file for divorce. It is hard to imagine him being this way as he was so different before the drinking got bad. He of course says he doesn't have a problem...DENIAL!

I have found Al-anon to be extemely helpful as his department has no support system for the spouses...afterall the boys in blue stick together anyways. I am hoping this forum will serve as a help to my healing as well.

I wish you well as you work through all this and pray you find support here and elsewhere.

Bobcat

Dazed&Confused

Hi Cynay, and thanks so much for responding.

I read over your post a few times. I am trying to understand your analogy between this (alcoholism) and a disease such as cancer. The difference, as I see it, is as follows.

If he had cancer, I would be there for him, through thick and thin. I would be at his side and would hope that my encouragement and positive attitude would be beneficial to him, not only physically, but mentally as well. But cancer would be something unavoidable...most likely it would be a form of illness that he would have not had any control over. He has control over this. Or he doesn't. Who knows? I guess he doesn't...but why doesn't he? If our relationship, and our marriage, means as much to him as he says it does, and he knows that alcohol is causing what it is causing...then his alcohol is his true love. It comes before anything.

Should I accept that because it is a disease? Even if he is doing nothing to try to control it or to overcome it? I have encouraged therapy, for there are many unresolved issues in his life. And I have told him that I just don't have the knowledge and the experience and the capability of knowing how to help him deal with it. I have pleaded with him to obtain professional help.

But if he is not willing to help himself, then surely I can't help him.

Dazed&Confused

Bobcat, thanks so much for responding, for I know that you can relate in a way that probably no one else can. There truly is a "Thin Blue Line", dont' you think?

I am so sorry that you are going through what you are. I can relate...so much.

Was there any "one" event that triggered your husband's response to alcohol? I recognize that there may not have been...it could have just been "everything" involved in his position/job. It's a tough one. Alcoholism and divorce is so dominant in police marriages.

I am trying, with Al-Anon. I just have so many issues. And it's hard...at the meetings you cannot ask questions and expect them to be answered. Sharing, that's what it's all about, and that in and of itself, is very helpful and healing. But sometimes, being new at this, I just need someone to explain...someone to offer me an explanation...I need to understand the "concepts" in depth...and that's something I don't get...or foresee obtaining...in Al-Anon.

Cynay

Hon... till he hits "his" bottom there is nothing you can do.

The connection is that it is not something he wants to be, it just is. If you want to keep you marriage the lessons in Al-anon is the only way I have heard of that you can. I know its not much help, but its true. There is no amount of love of family or friends that will keep him from doing what he is doing.... its a horrible disease and he does not have control. What if he had cancer and did not want you near him cuz he did not want you to see what he has become? No one can tell you if you should accept it. Its not fair... I totally agree, but in the end you have to think about yourself, what you really want and how much you can take.

I always find myself TOTALLY amazed at his actions.... and in this case he has been sober for 7 months. Could I suggest you ask about getting a sponsor??? they could probably help you in understanding in more depth. I can tell you I was not a fan of Al-anon in any means... but Im trying cuz I cant stand that alternative.... my sponsor is wonderful, and has helped more then I can describe.

Dazed&Confused

Thanks, Cynay, for your wisdom and encouragement.

How do I go about getting a sponsor?

JennyK

Dazed...

I had a great deal of difficulty with the disease mindset, until I thought of it as though knowing that YOU were going to die unless you changed your life entirely. Meaning that every thought you had , had to be thought backward and that every action you took had to be retaken in a different way...what a freaking MIND BLOWING event that would be.

I do not believe that alcholism is like cancer. I do see the alcholism/diabetes connection and realize those circumstances human behavior has some say....self control and relearning how to live your life and seeking support and making major life changes...all that stuff is similar.

However, say to an alcholic..."Statistics say, you will DIE of a painful and horrible death in 4-6 years if you do not stop drinking"...most often does not change behavior as quickly as saying to a diabetic "Statistics say you will die of a painful and horrible death in 4-6 if you do not start to eat healthy food and exercising".

The difference being that you CAN replace behaviors that lead to diabetes with healthy habits that are easier to follow. The world is full of great diets and support groups that are not shameful and every understand if you say "No thanks".

By saying "STOP DRINKING" that enters the icky area of "well what CAN you do?" to deal with stress, relax, stop thinking about the world, have a good time, yaha yaha yaha... the replacement behaviors are very different for each person and not as easily planned out.

Oh...what was my point...oh yeah...I don't get the disease thing. I KNOW it is one, yet in my mind is a mental disorder AND a physical disorder...much harder to control and treat and much less forgiving to the people who suffer as a result.

Jenny

Cynay

Jenny said it all MUCH better then I could. Thanks Jenny

If you want a sponsor ..... just ask.

At my meetings, they have a time when they say who is willing to sponsor, and the ones that are raise their hands.... pick the one you have heard speak that touches your heart. That is always a good way to pick. They really do want to help and support you and they really do understand

FriendofBill

If I may so ball$y, here....Your thinking too much!

Remember in my first post to you that I said most newcomers dont like the answer about focusing on themselves cus they dont undertsand it?????

You are already fighting the detachment issue without having even tried it yet because your mind tells you it will ruin your relationship with your husband. Do you see how you are trying to control alcoholism, in your mind, because you dont understand HOW it will work, your thinking only tells you how it WONT work.

Let me give an example:

Say you want to become a 747 pilot. You go to the training simulator. YOur instructor tells you to push down on the controls in order to pull the plane UP.
Now,,,,,that may not make sense to you so you argue with him and tell him thats not logical and it you should pull UP in order to go UP.

Ok, so now you have take over the job of instructor without even having gotten your pilot's license. Becuase you dont understand the logic behind it, you didnt give it a try and yet you think your right.

Thats just what our recovery is about. Unless you are a fully trained and licensed addictions therapist or a barbarian al-anon, like some of us, you cannot make a rational decision on what is best in how to handle this disease. Hopefully, with Al-Anon and our support friends, there and here, you will come to undertsand and start using the tools that are offered.

Have faith, hun, and have willingness to see that there are possibilites of solution. We share our experience, stregnth and hope to give everyone the benefit of our success. If it didnt work for us, we would never suggest it for you.

Keep coming back, It DOES work!

dollydo

My ex-hubby always drank too much. Then he retired after a long sucessful career. We were going to "see the world", we didn't.

He went into a deep depression after retiring, couldn't figure out what to do with himself, he had lost his idenity. Began drinking more, became very nasty and just plain mean.

Then he discovered he had cancer, I was there for him, he crawled further into the bottle.
Became violent. The cancer battle lasted 12 years, in and out of remission. I endured, I was miserable. After all, he was sick, I had to stay. Or did I? Could I help him, no..the answer is no. He had to help himself. I had become an empty shell, there was nothing left of me.

I divorced him after 18 years, he got a job, he stopped drinking and the cancer is still in remission. He persued me relentlessly...I did not go back. I couldn't, I wont...I have given him everything I have to give. The disease took it's toll on me, I am recovering.

This is a nasty disease, to me, alcoholism is a cancer of the mind.

Until he becomes sober for life he will never be the man he was...and if and when he becomes sober, he will never be the man you remember, you both will have changed.

My Best,
Dolly

FriendofBill

Hello Dolly (Pun intended!)

I recently came up with that same analogy of alcoholism. CANCER OF THE MIND!

Wow,,,great recovering minds think alike. Your post was so true. Glad to hear you are recovering....

FOB..also from Fla.

bikewench

Hey Dazed....

My heart goes out to you ...

It's like... "will someone wake me up from this nightmare..??"

I also had the same problem with detachment.
The funny thing is though... my father was an alcoholic... and I had no problem detaching with love from his disease....
But.. when it came to the significant others in my life... detachment seemed like I was walking in the opposite direction without even a backward glance....


That perception was only in my head... Like FriendofBill's analogy (good one)


Yes... I was walking away from the insanity
But.. more importantly... I was walking toward MY life...

And I eventually did realize that I could turn around at any given moment and tell that person that they were free to join me... if they chose...


It's sooooo easy for us women to lose ourselves in caring for others.

I think it's hardwired into our DNA... ;o)

But.. a fullfilling life is a personal job.. and if we hinge it on one thing...
Well.. it's easy to see the outcome and futility of that..

My solution was to mentally put the person I love in God's hands... and tell myself that they can figure it out.

I'll just stand back and watch.. while I'm trying to gather the pieces of my own life together..

Wether we stay... or whether we go...
We're still always left with ourselves...

I urge you to make your life the best it can be...
On your terms.. when you figure out what they are..