Newbie, So Sad Here..and long...so sorry...please bear with me
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
First of all, I join the others in welcoming you. I'm so glad you found a place where you can freely discuss this.
I am an east coaster. And, I understand a bit of the "culture" there, particularly surrounding police officers. I know what it's like to have the extended family...the Aunts, the Uncles, the cousins and the close-knit feeling of that and the often confusing dynamics that evolve over years.
I have spoken here before about my Uncle Bill. He has been sober for over 40 years. He is a retired police officer. The night he quit drinking is vividly etched in my mind. I was little...I don't think I was older than 5 or 6. It was a wake. Uncle Bill was drunk. Aunt Liz (his wife) was upset with him and had apparently said to him "it's me or the booze". Uncle Bill got even angrier.
In steps Uncle Eddie. You guessed it, another cop in the family. They stepped into a room to "talk"...I was asleep in that room. Needless to say, I woke up during the screaming. It was loud, it was confronting and it turned physical. Uncle Eddie ended up with Uncle Bill's gun and badge and simply told him to go to AA or he (Uncle Eddie) would take the badge and gun to Uncle Bill's commander and explain why he had taken them. Uncle Bill went to a meeting the next morning and has been going ever since.
I called him this am after reading your post. It was a good excuse to hear his voice. He is still active in AA even at his advanced age and he's often a speaker. I asked the hypothedical question. "What if a retired cop...." He says there are AA groups devoted to cops. He says if a retired cop has contacts within the department and obviously your hub does with many relatives being on the job they could tell him of many meetings that are attended only by cops both active duty and retired. So I asked, what if he's not looking for a meeting...what if it's just his family that wants this?
His suggestion was to get the immediate family to al-anon and allow them to learn. To find out what this disease is all about and to learn the tools they need to deal with it. Then, to gather the other officers within the family, explain the situation and stage an intervention with their assistance. Uncle Bill says they (family that are also officers) will have access to experts within the departments "unofficial" AA meetings and that their help is essential.
A quote from our conversation: "There's no shame in having this damned disease, the shame comes from not facing up to it. Thank God Lizzie and Eddie busted my chops and forced me to look in the mirror."
Your hub may not agree. The intervention may not work. You may, should you choose to stay with him, always be married to an A. Nothing you say or do will change his behavior unless HE makes the choice to change. You can however learn many ways to feel better yourself. There's no need to stay unhappy. Al-anon, reading...these things will lead to peace within your heart.
I do have one other concern. It is common for retired officers to still have a gun and in some cities to carry that gun. Is this true for your husband? Firearms and A's go together like matches and gasoline.
I hope you get comfortable here and that you find a way to find joy at home.
I am an east coaster. And, I understand a bit of the "culture" there, particularly surrounding police officers. I know what it's like to have the extended family...the Aunts, the Uncles, the cousins and the close-knit feeling of that and the often confusing dynamics that evolve over years.
I have spoken here before about my Uncle Bill. He has been sober for over 40 years. He is a retired police officer. The night he quit drinking is vividly etched in my mind. I was little...I don't think I was older than 5 or 6. It was a wake. Uncle Bill was drunk. Aunt Liz (his wife) was upset with him and had apparently said to him "it's me or the booze". Uncle Bill got even angrier.
In steps Uncle Eddie. You guessed it, another cop in the family. They stepped into a room to "talk"...I was asleep in that room. Needless to say, I woke up during the screaming. It was loud, it was confronting and it turned physical. Uncle Eddie ended up with Uncle Bill's gun and badge and simply told him to go to AA or he (Uncle Eddie) would take the badge and gun to Uncle Bill's commander and explain why he had taken them. Uncle Bill went to a meeting the next morning and has been going ever since.
I called him this am after reading your post. It was a good excuse to hear his voice. He is still active in AA even at his advanced age and he's often a speaker. I asked the hypothedical question. "What if a retired cop...." He says there are AA groups devoted to cops. He says if a retired cop has contacts within the department and obviously your hub does with many relatives being on the job they could tell him of many meetings that are attended only by cops both active duty and retired. So I asked, what if he's not looking for a meeting...what if it's just his family that wants this?
His suggestion was to get the immediate family to al-anon and allow them to learn. To find out what this disease is all about and to learn the tools they need to deal with it. Then, to gather the other officers within the family, explain the situation and stage an intervention with their assistance. Uncle Bill says they (family that are also officers) will have access to experts within the departments "unofficial" AA meetings and that their help is essential.
A quote from our conversation: "There's no shame in having this damned disease, the shame comes from not facing up to it. Thank God Lizzie and Eddie busted my chops and forced me to look in the mirror."
Your hub may not agree. The intervention may not work. You may, should you choose to stay with him, always be married to an A. Nothing you say or do will change his behavior unless HE makes the choice to change. You can however learn many ways to feel better yourself. There's no need to stay unhappy. Al-anon, reading...these things will lead to peace within your heart.
I do have one other concern. It is common for retired officers to still have a gun and in some cities to carry that gun. Is this true for your husband? Firearms and A's go together like matches and gasoline.
I hope you get comfortable here and that you find a way to find joy at home.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi,
Get yourself to some Alanon if there is any in your area and keep osting here. Unfortunately your husband sounds like he's caught in throes of his disease which you are already aware of and there is no point in talking to him, it unfortunately drives them further away.
Good luck
Ngaire
Get yourself to some Alanon if there is any in your area and keep osting here. Unfortunately your husband sounds like he's caught in throes of his disease which you are already aware of and there is no point in talking to him, it unfortunately drives them further away.
Good luck
Ngaire
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: On a River in Maryland
Posts: 22
I just want to thank each and every one of you for responding to my cry for help. Each response means more than you'll ever know...just the fact that a bunch of complete strangers are here for me, and responding to my cry...it means SOOOO much.
I hear you...each of you. And you each show so much wisdom in your thoughts. And I am hearing, and listening, and taking it all in.
My H did not come home tonite...not that I expected him to. We had plans with another couple, and I eventually called him to ask him if he had made our excuses, which he had. My son came over with his 2 kids, and we had a good visit. My son, the cop, the one so in tune with his dad. I had a good talk with him, and spoke very honestly about the situation with my husband (his dad) and myself. I am usually reserved around my children regarding my relationship with my husband...I don't want them to feel like they need to get involved, and I also feel like what goes on between my husband and me is very personal and no one else's business, including my children. But my oldest son is wise and although we have had our issues in the past, and he has always felt closer to his dad than he has to me (not said so...but one knows), he and I had a good conversation tonight, and I laid my heart out to him.
I feel so sad, so lost. Although my husband and I have not been together every nite...we have traveled separately and he has gone on business trips separate from me, we have always talked every nite, and communicated daily. This is so weird for me. I know I need to leave him alone to find his way. He acknowledged today that he knows that this is "his fault" and that he has "issues" that he needs to deal with, separate and apart from me. He spoke kindly and sincerely and was very nice to me. Said he will call me later...not that I believe it for a second...for he is surely at the bar by now and I will not enter into his thought-process for hours...probably until tomorrow. How can that be? If was are having this huge crisis, how is it that it is not a part of his thoughts continuously?
I told my son tonite that I just need to let go, and let be, and let God.
Wish it was as easy as it sounds.
I hear you...each of you. And you each show so much wisdom in your thoughts. And I am hearing, and listening, and taking it all in.
My H did not come home tonite...not that I expected him to. We had plans with another couple, and I eventually called him to ask him if he had made our excuses, which he had. My son came over with his 2 kids, and we had a good visit. My son, the cop, the one so in tune with his dad. I had a good talk with him, and spoke very honestly about the situation with my husband (his dad) and myself. I am usually reserved around my children regarding my relationship with my husband...I don't want them to feel like they need to get involved, and I also feel like what goes on between my husband and me is very personal and no one else's business, including my children. But my oldest son is wise and although we have had our issues in the past, and he has always felt closer to his dad than he has to me (not said so...but one knows), he and I had a good conversation tonight, and I laid my heart out to him.
I feel so sad, so lost. Although my husband and I have not been together every nite...we have traveled separately and he has gone on business trips separate from me, we have always talked every nite, and communicated daily. This is so weird for me. I know I need to leave him alone to find his way. He acknowledged today that he knows that this is "his fault" and that he has "issues" that he needs to deal with, separate and apart from me. He spoke kindly and sincerely and was very nice to me. Said he will call me later...not that I believe it for a second...for he is surely at the bar by now and I will not enter into his thought-process for hours...probably until tomorrow. How can that be? If was are having this huge crisis, how is it that it is not a part of his thoughts continuously?
I told my son tonite that I just need to let go, and let be, and let God.
Wish it was as easy as it sounds.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Waterloo, IA
Posts: 2
Hi Dazed,
Six years ago my AH was promoted to Sergeant of the jail and had back surgery and was off for 6 months. I noticed he seemed more stressed. I called him on his drinking then and he said he noticed he was drinking more too but would cut back. The he went to Sgt of narcotics and he got moodier and more distant. Always putting the job and other families first. he is excellent at his job and I was always proud of him for how he really seemed to care about the victims. Then when I was pregnant with our 3rd child he would stay on the river boating until 10pm, then come home and drink with the neighbor lady until 3...He was then promoted to captain of investigations and his drinking went up to a 12 pk a day.
Did the stress cause his drinking...absolutely NOT! Did I cause his drinking....absolutely NOT. Alcoholism is a disease and he was genetically predestined to get it if he chose to drink. He knew he had the chance to get it as he is the son of an alcoholic and they are 34% more likely to become alcoholics.
Thin blue line...more like a thick blue concrete wall
You will be ok and for now you need to concentrate on keeping yourself healthy. Even though your kids are older than mine, you still need to be healthy for them. Start taking care of you...it's hard to do but believe me it has made a world of difference for me.
I can't cure the alcoholism, but I can make sure my kids grow up in a stable household and know that they have that choice to take that first drink and with it comes all the consequences.
stay strong and believe in you
Bobcat
Six years ago my AH was promoted to Sergeant of the jail and had back surgery and was off for 6 months. I noticed he seemed more stressed. I called him on his drinking then and he said he noticed he was drinking more too but would cut back. The he went to Sgt of narcotics and he got moodier and more distant. Always putting the job and other families first. he is excellent at his job and I was always proud of him for how he really seemed to care about the victims. Then when I was pregnant with our 3rd child he would stay on the river boating until 10pm, then come home and drink with the neighbor lady until 3...He was then promoted to captain of investigations and his drinking went up to a 12 pk a day.
Did the stress cause his drinking...absolutely NOT! Did I cause his drinking....absolutely NOT. Alcoholism is a disease and he was genetically predestined to get it if he chose to drink. He knew he had the chance to get it as he is the son of an alcoholic and they are 34% more likely to become alcoholics.
Thin blue line...more like a thick blue concrete wall
You will be ok and for now you need to concentrate on keeping yourself healthy. Even though your kids are older than mine, you still need to be healthy for them. Start taking care of you...it's hard to do but believe me it has made a world of difference for me.
I can't cure the alcoholism, but I can make sure my kids grow up in a stable household and know that they have that choice to take that first drink and with it comes all the consequences.
stay strong and believe in you
Bobcat
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
You said, [B]I felt a certain amount of peace when he left. [/B]
Yes, I know that feeling. I have been with my AH 17 years, and we have been separated 7 months. It WILL get easier.
You said "How sad is this....[B]he is SUCH a good person[/B], but I don't know what to do, how to get him past this....I can't imagine the rest of my life without him, and yet I don't know if I can fight anymore, and I don't know if I have the strength to go there anymore."
You don't have to imagine your life without him. Think of this as a separation. You don't have to make a decision today, so don't. This is what living one day at a time is all about. I had divorce papers sitting on my refrigerator for 5 months.
I think the majority of us are married to "nice" people. But, that doesn't mean we have to accept the unacceptable behavior. I have been doing it for 17 years, and I have chosen to not accept it anymore. For my sake, for my 6 and 8 year olds sake, and even for my H's sake. For me to accept the unnacceptable, in my opinion, is a way of enabling him to continue in the same pattern.
I hope you can find peace with your situation soon. I hope you can live one day at a time too. I hope you find comfort in knowing someone understands.
Take care.
Yes, I know that feeling. I have been with my AH 17 years, and we have been separated 7 months. It WILL get easier.
You said "How sad is this....[B]he is SUCH a good person[/B], but I don't know what to do, how to get him past this....I can't imagine the rest of my life without him, and yet I don't know if I can fight anymore, and I don't know if I have the strength to go there anymore."
You don't have to imagine your life without him. Think of this as a separation. You don't have to make a decision today, so don't. This is what living one day at a time is all about. I had divorce papers sitting on my refrigerator for 5 months.
I think the majority of us are married to "nice" people. But, that doesn't mean we have to accept the unacceptable behavior. I have been doing it for 17 years, and I have chosen to not accept it anymore. For my sake, for my 6 and 8 year olds sake, and even for my H's sake. For me to accept the unnacceptable, in my opinion, is a way of enabling him to continue in the same pattern.
I hope you can find peace with your situation soon. I hope you can live one day at a time too. I hope you find comfort in knowing someone understands.
Take care.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
(((((((((((((((((((Dazed))))))))))))))))))))
You can do this and get through it in one piece. A tremendous amount of wisdom was shared above. Good good advice. The cancer of the mind is an awesome analogy. However, with this disease, there isn't a doctor on the face of the earth that can get in there and help the patient. This time, it's totally up to the alcoholic.
Continue with the alanon meetings. Take in several a week. Go to different locations. Getting a sponsor shouldn't be a problem.
Blessings
You can do this and get through it in one piece. A tremendous amount of wisdom was shared above. Good good advice. The cancer of the mind is an awesome analogy. However, with this disease, there isn't a doctor on the face of the earth that can get in there and help the patient. This time, it's totally up to the alcoholic.
Continue with the alanon meetings. Take in several a week. Go to different locations. Getting a sponsor shouldn't be a problem.
Blessings
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Originally Posted by bikewench
Yes... I was walking away from the insanity
But.. more importantly... I was walking toward MY life...
And I eventually did realize that I could turn around at any given moment and tell that person that they were free to join me... if they chose...
My solution was to mentally put the person I love in God's hands... and tell myself that they can figure it out.
.
But.. more importantly... I was walking toward MY life...
And I eventually did realize that I could turn around at any given moment and tell that person that they were free to join me... if they chose...
My solution was to mentally put the person I love in God's hands... and tell myself that they can figure it out.
.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: On a River in Maryland
Posts: 22
Thank you ALL.
Walkingtheline, it really touched my heart that you actually called your uncle, on my behalf, so to say.
I will check into AA for cops. It's just a matter of getting my husband to actually attend. That is going to be a battle, at least at this point.
I've considered an intervention...but I figure I must first "allow" others to witness more. I have tended to shield his disease from others as much as possible, although I'm sure people realize more than I give them credit for. I know, I know...enabling.
I have spoken to my oldest son at great length -- the one that is also a cop. He kinda gets it...but because he doesn't live here and see "it" on a daily basis, he is not sure that it is as bad as I say. My youngest son knows more than he cares to, I'm sure, as he lives here and hears and sees. I have told my kids about al-anon and told each that should they want/feel the need, that they should consider meetings.
I understand the concept...it's just living by it that I need to learn!
We do have several firearms in the house -- and he carries sometimes, but not always. I understand your concern and will address the issue.
Again, thank you everyone for all your wisdom. I am listening.
Walkingtheline, it really touched my heart that you actually called your uncle, on my behalf, so to say.
I will check into AA for cops. It's just a matter of getting my husband to actually attend. That is going to be a battle, at least at this point.
I've considered an intervention...but I figure I must first "allow" others to witness more. I have tended to shield his disease from others as much as possible, although I'm sure people realize more than I give them credit for. I know, I know...enabling.
I have spoken to my oldest son at great length -- the one that is also a cop. He kinda gets it...but because he doesn't live here and see "it" on a daily basis, he is not sure that it is as bad as I say. My youngest son knows more than he cares to, I'm sure, as he lives here and hears and sees. I have told my kids about al-anon and told each that should they want/feel the need, that they should consider meetings.
I understand the concept...it's just living by it that I need to learn!
We do have several firearms in the house -- and he carries sometimes, but not always. I understand your concern and will address the issue.
Again, thank you everyone for all your wisdom. I am listening.
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