Lost My Twin
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Westfield, NJ
Posts: 7
Lost My Twin
Hello Everyone-
This is my first post. I've never even visited a site like this before but I think I need to now. My 39 year-old twin sister was found dead in her apartment back in April. She had apparently died in her sleep and was there for several days before being found. She had cancelled a vacation w/the children and I for that week and we were in the Keys when she passed. An autopsy was performed and although the results have not come back yet, what the M.E. said to me was quite startling. He asked me if my sister was a "heavy drinker". I asked him to define that since I knew she drank quite a bit of wine for many years, but not enough that I thought she could harm herself. He said her liver and heart did not look good.
After pressuring her boyfriend, (who lived w/her up to one month before her death, but was removed from the residence after a domestic incident) I came to find out that she had moved on to vodka about 2 years ago, although she never drank it around her family. He said that she was consuming 2-3 of the large handled bottles per week, plus wine, etc.. I now feel so betrayed and pretty stupid for not being able to see the extent of her problem.
Over the years I would tell her of my concern over her drinking and she always dismissed me, saying that she only drank wine and not a lot of it. When she would visit she always came toting her large jug of Carlo Rossi and could consume it w/i a day.
My father died an alcoholic related death at the age of 42 and now she is gone at 39. My mom also passed away young, at 44 but from lung cancer. Yes, she was a smoker, yet another addiction.
I have never had an addiction to anything in my life, no cigarettes, excessive alcohol, drugs, etc. so I am so confused over how this could have been happening to my twin, yet I was unable to realize the extent of her disease.
I did notice that for about 6 months before she died, she started getting bloated in the face and had some broken blood vessels in her cheeks. Her stomach seemed large although she covered it with loose shirts. She started to lose weight elsewhere and told me that she was "dieting" and didn't really have an appetite, for which she seemed almost pleased. She also had the "flu" chronically and was always tired. I begged her to go to a doctor, but she either refused, or promised she would then never went.
I am still in a state of shock over this and after reading much about alcoholic liver disease can only conclude that she was at the end stage of it and that is what killed her. My children and I are heartbroken. She was a second mother to them. To the world she appeared this beautiful, confident woman, who once had a great job and was at the top of her game. The reality of her life was so much different. I can only conclude that I was in total denial of the severity of her problem and that her boyfriend was so co-dependent that he could not help her at all (he admitted to buying her the booze to "keep the peace")
Has anyone else lost a sibling in this way, suddenly, without knowing the extent of their problem? I have so much guilt and anguish over this.
Please Help.
This is my first post. I've never even visited a site like this before but I think I need to now. My 39 year-old twin sister was found dead in her apartment back in April. She had apparently died in her sleep and was there for several days before being found. She had cancelled a vacation w/the children and I for that week and we were in the Keys when she passed. An autopsy was performed and although the results have not come back yet, what the M.E. said to me was quite startling. He asked me if my sister was a "heavy drinker". I asked him to define that since I knew she drank quite a bit of wine for many years, but not enough that I thought she could harm herself. He said her liver and heart did not look good.
After pressuring her boyfriend, (who lived w/her up to one month before her death, but was removed from the residence after a domestic incident) I came to find out that she had moved on to vodka about 2 years ago, although she never drank it around her family. He said that she was consuming 2-3 of the large handled bottles per week, plus wine, etc.. I now feel so betrayed and pretty stupid for not being able to see the extent of her problem.
Over the years I would tell her of my concern over her drinking and she always dismissed me, saying that she only drank wine and not a lot of it. When she would visit she always came toting her large jug of Carlo Rossi and could consume it w/i a day.
My father died an alcoholic related death at the age of 42 and now she is gone at 39. My mom also passed away young, at 44 but from lung cancer. Yes, she was a smoker, yet another addiction.
I have never had an addiction to anything in my life, no cigarettes, excessive alcohol, drugs, etc. so I am so confused over how this could have been happening to my twin, yet I was unable to realize the extent of her disease.
I did notice that for about 6 months before she died, she started getting bloated in the face and had some broken blood vessels in her cheeks. Her stomach seemed large although she covered it with loose shirts. She started to lose weight elsewhere and told me that she was "dieting" and didn't really have an appetite, for which she seemed almost pleased. She also had the "flu" chronically and was always tired. I begged her to go to a doctor, but she either refused, or promised she would then never went.
I am still in a state of shock over this and after reading much about alcoholic liver disease can only conclude that she was at the end stage of it and that is what killed her. My children and I are heartbroken. She was a second mother to them. To the world she appeared this beautiful, confident woman, who once had a great job and was at the top of her game. The reality of her life was so much different. I can only conclude that I was in total denial of the severity of her problem and that her boyfriend was so co-dependent that he could not help her at all (he admitted to buying her the booze to "keep the peace")
Has anyone else lost a sibling in this way, suddenly, without knowing the extent of their problem? I have so much guilt and anguish over this.
Please Help.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((Aquarius)))
Honey, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. Welcome to SR - I wish we were all here under better circumstances, however I am so glad you found us.
Please don't feel guilty. I know that's easy for me to say. I do know, though, that even had you realised the extent of the problem, there would have been nothing you could have done about it. She had a disease and it was one that we (the loved ones) didn't cause, we can't control and we can't cure.
I hope you can find some peace. Have you considered grief counselling?
Love
Minnie
xxx
Honey, I am so sorry to hear about your sister. Welcome to SR - I wish we were all here under better circumstances, however I am so glad you found us.
Please don't feel guilty. I know that's easy for me to say. I do know, though, that even had you realised the extent of the problem, there would have been nothing you could have done about it. She had a disease and it was one that we (the loved ones) didn't cause, we can't control and we can't cure.
I hope you can find some peace. Have you considered grief counselling?
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Aquarius, I'm very sorry for your loss.
It's devastating to lose someone you love to this disease.
Some people find some comfort in grief counseling or grief support groups.
Guilt is one of the stages of grief.
Please know that this is not your fault and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.
I'm glad you found us. Stick around.
It's devastating to lose someone you love to this disease.
Some people find some comfort in grief counseling or grief support groups.
Guilt is one of the stages of grief.
Please know that this is not your fault and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.
I'm glad you found us. Stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Westfield, NJ
Posts: 7
Hi Minnie-
thank you for responding. intellectually, i understand that i could not have stopped this from happening, but emotionally i feel that maybe i could have been more aware or involved in her life to realize how far gone this problem was.
I am considering grief couseling for myself and my two children.
the weird thing is that the general public (including myself) has this perception of alcoholics as stumbling, slurring words and smelling like booze all the time. this was not my sister at all. she was smart, tall, beautiful, and an excellent businesswoman before sinking into this 2 years ago. although she always had a tendency to drink more that i thought was "normal", i.e. a glass of wine at dinner, she never stumbled, slurred or acted drunk. she dressed beautifully and carried herself well. i think that all of this made her final outcome so much more shocking.
thank you for listening to me vent
I am considering grief couseling for myself and my two children.
the weird thing is that the general public (including myself) has this perception of alcoholics as stumbling, slurring words and smelling like booze all the time. this was not my sister at all. she was smart, tall, beautiful, and an excellent businesswoman before sinking into this 2 years ago. although she always had a tendency to drink more that i thought was "normal", i.e. a glass of wine at dinner, she never stumbled, slurred or acted drunk. she dressed beautifully and carried herself well. i think that all of this made her final outcome so much more shocking.
thank you for listening to me vent
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... and let me say Im sooo sorry for your loss
Grief counselling would be wonderful for not only you, but perhaps your children as well. Minnie is right in what she said, please dont feel guilty and take care of yourself.
This did happen to my best friend.. Her sister died that way, she is still working through the emotions. Give yourself the time to grieve.
Grief counselling would be wonderful for not only you, but perhaps your children as well. Minnie is right in what she said, please dont feel guilty and take care of yourself.
This did happen to my best friend.. Her sister died that way, she is still working through the emotions. Give yourself the time to grieve.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
You would never think my ex was an alchoholic either. You really can't tell. (Or at least I couldn't before I educated myself. Now I can "smell them through lead" as I heard someone say recently.)
I think some counselling would be a good idea for you and the kids. Sometimes life chucks something at us that makes no sense and we need to reach out for some help.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I think some counselling would be a good idea for you and the kids. Sometimes life chucks something at us that makes no sense and we need to reach out for some help.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
She had cancelled a vacation w/the children and I for that week and we were in the Keys when she passed.
Her stomach seemed large although she covered it with loose shirts. She started to lose weight elsewhere and told me that she was "dieting" and didn't really have an appetite, for which she seemed almost pleased. She also had the "flu" chronically and was always tired. I begged her to go to a doctor, but she either refused, or promised she would then never went.
At the height of my hubby's drinking he went away from everyone he loved - according to him it was pure luck that he didn't die. He knew how much it hurt others to see what was happening to him. He didn't come back to look for me until he had managed a month or two off the booze, years after he had begun to know he could fight it, that it wasn't hopeless. When he had thought it hopeless he made a choice as an adult to not let any of us who love him watch.
I think your sister loved you and your kids very much, I think she took responsibility and removed it from you. You have nothing to be guilty for, these were her decisions.
I know this will sound pathetic but your post has really encouraged me to get to grips with stopping smoking.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
There are some things we will never understand. My mother has been drinking for 50 years, or longer. I have seen her drunk more than not...now, you wonder, how does her liver hold up? Genes? No one else in the family has drank like her..so, I don't think she inherited the disease. But who knows..
My mother is 80, still looks good, dresses nicely, takes pride in herself..don't know how she does it.
I am so very sorry about your loss, unfortunately, there really is nothing you could do, she made her own choices.
Counciling may help, it sure is worth persuing.
Dolly
My mother is 80, still looks good, dresses nicely, takes pride in herself..don't know how she does it.
I am so very sorry about your loss, unfortunately, there really is nothing you could do, she made her own choices.
Counciling may help, it sure is worth persuing.
Dolly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Westfield, NJ
Posts: 7
equus
after replaying our conversations from the last few months, I suspected she knew more than she let on. Her boyfriend's sister's husband died a month before she did, of the same thing, and she told me over and over, "I don't want to go that way. I don't want to suffer like him". I would say to her, "what makes you think you would ever end up like that". she never answered. she was getting more and more depressed, more and more tired. she talked of visiting my mom @ the cemetary to get unfinished issues off her chest. she spoke to her friend, a funeral director, shortly before she died, and he said she seemed depressed and was questioning her contribution to society and her value as a person. Totally not like her. A month later he was handling her funeral.
my 51 year-old cousin just died Saturday the same way. He and my sister were very close. he was hospitalized for three weeks with liver and renal failure and succumbed to encephalopathy of the brain. Ironically, I come to find out that they were each pushing each other to see a doctor and had identical symptoms.
It is amazing how much people can hide when they want to.
my 51 year-old cousin just died Saturday the same way. He and my sister were very close. he was hospitalized for three weeks with liver and renal failure and succumbed to encephalopathy of the brain. Ironically, I come to find out that they were each pushing each other to see a doctor and had identical symptoms.
It is amazing how much people can hide when they want to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Westfield, NJ
Posts: 7
equus, stop if you can-
Please do what you can to cease smoking. I watched my mother suffer three years with lung cancer and suffer a horrific death.
you dserve better than that and your family does, too.
Aquarius
you dserve better than that and your family does, too.
Aquarius
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
AQUARIUS, I am so sorry for your loss and so glad you found this site.
Please don't feel guilty about this perception, most of our media promote these stereotypes and unless we are there, up close, personal and long term, the "real" picture is often very hidden. This is true for many of the ills of society, only 5% of all homeless actually live on the street and sleep in doorways and on benches yet that is the picture in our minds. You could not have known unless you lived with her for a long time and/or she wanted you to see. She loved you and protected you.
Thank you for sharing with us and I hope with time all of your memories of your sister will be filled with warmth and smiles about the "tall, smart and beautiful woman" you loved so dearly and who obviously loved you.
(((AQUARIUS)))
weird thing is that the general public (including myself) has this perception of alcoholics as stumbling, slurring words and smelling like booze all the time.
Thank you for sharing with us and I hope with time all of your memories of your sister will be filled with warmth and smiles about the "tall, smart and beautiful woman" you loved so dearly and who obviously loved you.
(((AQUARIUS)))
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Dear Aquarius,,,my heartfelt love and blessings to you and your family over the loss of your sister.
Please do consider attending alanon as well as taking your children to alateen. You've seen the ravages of the disease. Time to get the education that will help you understand why your sister didn't seek help and also to educate your children about alcohol and alcoholism. The genetic trait is there. If they learn about the disease and how it destroys everyone's life, they'll have less a tendency to drink in future. They'll learn there is life without the booze.
Blessings
Please do consider attending alanon as well as taking your children to alateen. You've seen the ravages of the disease. Time to get the education that will help you understand why your sister didn't seek help and also to educate your children about alcohol and alcoholism. The genetic trait is there. If they learn about the disease and how it destroys everyone's life, they'll have less a tendency to drink in future. They'll learn there is life without the booze.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
aquarius - sorry for the loss of your sister AND cousin. i think kathy's suggestions above are excellent - the more folks that get educated early on about this disease will have to have an impact! please accept my sympathy and prayers for your family!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Baltimore MD
Posts: 2
Aquarius,
This too is my first time at this site. And I want to start off by saying god works in mysterious ways. This past Sunday my "forever husband" we were divorced, was found in his apratment dead. He too died from alcohol. I can so empathize with you at this very moment. Although Andy's drinking was known and an on going battle during our 10 year relationship it is just as unreal and sad.
I first do want to encourage you to find a alanon meeting in your area. I am thankful to Andy because it was of him I found the program two years ago. I promise you that even after one meeting you will feel the warmth and love of people who have suffered or are suffering the same things as you. I also encourage you to allow yourself to feel, to grieve your loss. These things cannot be explained but I know that I have taken comfort in the fact that Andy has gone to a better place, a place where he no longers suffers from the diease of alcoholism. I hope that you may be able to find comfort in knowing the same thing about your sister. Lastly, in trying alanon you will also find support that you could never ever imagine. This is the support and understanding of people who love you without knowing you and if you do find a local group I also encourage you to share. It is because of going to alanon meetings and actually sharing I have been able to live minute by minute for the last 4 days, at this point going any further than a minute at a time is too much for me to bare.
One of the five stages of grief is acceptance. Although it is the last stage of grief I would like to share a quote which I actually shared last nite at an alanon meeting I spoke at. I pray that this quote speaks to you as it did me. With lots of love and my condolences in your time of sorrow. God Bless you and your family that he may provide you strenght at this time.
You, just as you are, and your life here, right now, are all there is and all you need to know. You don't have to do anything special. Mostly, you have to be open to meeting face to face, and even dancing with, the truth that pertains to your life right now. You have to find a way to collect your fractured pieces, examine them, and then accept them as part of who you are. Acceptance is about transformation, but it's also, and more importantly, about working with what is. (Angel Kyodo Williams)
This too is my first time at this site. And I want to start off by saying god works in mysterious ways. This past Sunday my "forever husband" we were divorced, was found in his apratment dead. He too died from alcohol. I can so empathize with you at this very moment. Although Andy's drinking was known and an on going battle during our 10 year relationship it is just as unreal and sad.
I first do want to encourage you to find a alanon meeting in your area. I am thankful to Andy because it was of him I found the program two years ago. I promise you that even after one meeting you will feel the warmth and love of people who have suffered or are suffering the same things as you. I also encourage you to allow yourself to feel, to grieve your loss. These things cannot be explained but I know that I have taken comfort in the fact that Andy has gone to a better place, a place where he no longers suffers from the diease of alcoholism. I hope that you may be able to find comfort in knowing the same thing about your sister. Lastly, in trying alanon you will also find support that you could never ever imagine. This is the support and understanding of people who love you without knowing you and if you do find a local group I also encourage you to share. It is because of going to alanon meetings and actually sharing I have been able to live minute by minute for the last 4 days, at this point going any further than a minute at a time is too much for me to bare.
One of the five stages of grief is acceptance. Although it is the last stage of grief I would like to share a quote which I actually shared last nite at an alanon meeting I spoke at. I pray that this quote speaks to you as it did me. With lots of love and my condolences in your time of sorrow. God Bless you and your family that he may provide you strenght at this time.
You, just as you are, and your life here, right now, are all there is and all you need to know. You don't have to do anything special. Mostly, you have to be open to meeting face to face, and even dancing with, the truth that pertains to your life right now. You have to find a way to collect your fractured pieces, examine them, and then accept them as part of who you are. Acceptance is about transformation, but it's also, and more importantly, about working with what is. (Angel Kyodo Williams)
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