How weak is weak... working on it
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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How weak is weak... working on it
Good Morning,
WELL..... yesterday I was upset and posted because I had to call my ex-ABF for the check that was mailed to his address.
GOOD HEAVENS this one is hard. It ended up with me talking to him, He is actually doing REALLY good, he is buying household items, he is working his business (actually saw it) and took care of back issues he had, actually has someone running the office now. He went back to theraphy after we last talked and is going once a week. He is not dating, seeing and avoids women, he is excited about life again, he is making and hitting Goals .... etc
Well to say I was impressed would be an understatement... we were unable to really finish the conversation... so here is the plan Im thinking strongly about.
I will talk with him again, but after that Im going to suggest no contact again for another two months (yep talked to my sponsor about it) and then we can talk again there... Im kinda leaning toward being causal friends after that but nothing else till he has his one year.... but not knowing if we can be just casual friends Im not going to make decisions about that now.
One of the good things to come out of this is ... Im really happy for him. That amazes me only because I have been angry with him for so long and before the thought of him being happy and sucessful would have ticked me off... Maybe Im growing too.
Anyway just wanted to share the experience
WELL..... yesterday I was upset and posted because I had to call my ex-ABF for the check that was mailed to his address.
GOOD HEAVENS this one is hard. It ended up with me talking to him, He is actually doing REALLY good, he is buying household items, he is working his business (actually saw it) and took care of back issues he had, actually has someone running the office now. He went back to theraphy after we last talked and is going once a week. He is not dating, seeing and avoids women, he is excited about life again, he is making and hitting Goals .... etc
Well to say I was impressed would be an understatement... we were unable to really finish the conversation... so here is the plan Im thinking strongly about.
I will talk with him again, but after that Im going to suggest no contact again for another two months (yep talked to my sponsor about it) and then we can talk again there... Im kinda leaning toward being causal friends after that but nothing else till he has his one year.... but not knowing if we can be just casual friends Im not going to make decisions about that now.
One of the good things to come out of this is ... Im really happy for him. That amazes me only because I have been angry with him for so long and before the thought of him being happy and sucessful would have ticked me off... Maybe Im growing too.
Anyway just wanted to share the experience
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Thanks... yep it does sound like he is on the right track for him.
Now here is the ticker.
I have been doing nothing but praying about this since we have scheduled Sat as the talk date and Im starting to come to some thoughts here. Of course nothing with me is written in stone, so the view can change.. but here is where its going.
OK... I can see the improvement.. but. Is he really as peaceful and happy as he says he is?? He is 7 months sober, and at the most 2 months into theraphy ... how healthy could he be?
I soooo miss and want the person I met, but looking back the last year of life with him was pure hell... When we talked last it was mostly about him, that he was not ready in March, how his theraphy was going and what he was discovering, about his program in AA and his plans with it, his friends in it etc... Yes he did ask how I was doing and was very suprised that Im going to Al-Anon but there was not alot of depth into that and again the push for me to go there was about him. When he suggested that we might do a dinner he made sure to state I was not to drink.
When I think of how I want someone to treat me, how I so want to feel again how I felt when he and I first got together, the passon, romance the way you are totally into each other. You want and will put other things aside to be with that person... but are both adult and know you have responsibilities... but you walk away knowing if you called everything else would be put aside and they would be there for you. When they plan a date, and think about you ... you know it cuz they have talked with you enough to know what you like.... etc...
Well I did not get that feeling from him, I do think he loves me the only way he knows how to love, and it hurts me to be around that because I see what could have been, I see my heart is still engaged (has no idea why) and that he is probably still not in a place that he can be in a healthy, loving, giving relationship. Though it hurts, Im feeling much more clarity in this. Im hoping this is the next phase in my peace and sanity returning.
Now here is the ticker.
I have been doing nothing but praying about this since we have scheduled Sat as the talk date and Im starting to come to some thoughts here. Of course nothing with me is written in stone, so the view can change.. but here is where its going.
OK... I can see the improvement.. but. Is he really as peaceful and happy as he says he is?? He is 7 months sober, and at the most 2 months into theraphy ... how healthy could he be?
I soooo miss and want the person I met, but looking back the last year of life with him was pure hell... When we talked last it was mostly about him, that he was not ready in March, how his theraphy was going and what he was discovering, about his program in AA and his plans with it, his friends in it etc... Yes he did ask how I was doing and was very suprised that Im going to Al-Anon but there was not alot of depth into that and again the push for me to go there was about him. When he suggested that we might do a dinner he made sure to state I was not to drink.
When I think of how I want someone to treat me, how I so want to feel again how I felt when he and I first got together, the passon, romance the way you are totally into each other. You want and will put other things aside to be with that person... but are both adult and know you have responsibilities... but you walk away knowing if you called everything else would be put aside and they would be there for you. When they plan a date, and think about you ... you know it cuz they have talked with you enough to know what you like.... etc...
Well I did not get that feeling from him, I do think he loves me the only way he knows how to love, and it hurts me to be around that because I see what could have been, I see my heart is still engaged (has no idea why) and that he is probably still not in a place that he can be in a healthy, loving, giving relationship. Though it hurts, Im feeling much more clarity in this. Im hoping this is the next phase in my peace and sanity returning.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
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7 months sober is really good, hopefully he continues..I understand the hurt though wanting them to be how they were when you 1st met...Hopefully as times goes on, you will have the answer you are looking for and you will know whether to move forward alone or if you guys have a future.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
how I so want to feel again how I felt when he and I first got together
Seriously, I understand how seeing him now can send your mind into turmoil. If you still have questions about what place he's in, then you know you already have your answer.
Take care, hon.
Minnie
xxx
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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Yes I have lost my mind, and yes before recovery.
Dont take me wrong, Im VERY happy for him, he needs this and he is doing so well... but YES before recovery...
I know it sounds strange but I want in a relationship to be a couple. To go out to romantic dinners and have a couple glasses of wine, to be able to have wonderful BBQ in the back yard and not have issues with which friends we can invite because they drink..To be able to be friends with new AA friends but not discard the old friends and family... but most of all I want someone that is vested in me as well as Im vested in him. I want a lazy evening just watching TV and cuddling, I want vacations that are not all about being with a Fellowship, I want to plan goals and dreams while floating in the pool that does not always revolve around AA.
I know that sounds selfish, and its not that I could not live a wonderful life and have Al-Anon/AA as a part of it.... but that is the point I was trying to make part of life not ALL consuming. There is no balance in his life and that is what Im seeking, peace and balance. He is not there, when he talks what I here is him talk about himself. He is where he needs to be and he is happy... focused.... and its a beautiful thing for him and Im thinking that maybe this is more about me letting go and just focusing on what I want and need in life.
Like I said... Yep out of my mind and just trying to work through all this.
Dont take me wrong, Im VERY happy for him, he needs this and he is doing so well... but YES before recovery...
I know it sounds strange but I want in a relationship to be a couple. To go out to romantic dinners and have a couple glasses of wine, to be able to have wonderful BBQ in the back yard and not have issues with which friends we can invite because they drink..To be able to be friends with new AA friends but not discard the old friends and family... but most of all I want someone that is vested in me as well as Im vested in him. I want a lazy evening just watching TV and cuddling, I want vacations that are not all about being with a Fellowship, I want to plan goals and dreams while floating in the pool that does not always revolve around AA.
I know that sounds selfish, and its not that I could not live a wonderful life and have Al-Anon/AA as a part of it.... but that is the point I was trying to make part of life not ALL consuming. There is no balance in his life and that is what Im seeking, peace and balance. He is not there, when he talks what I here is him talk about himself. He is where he needs to be and he is happy... focused.... and its a beautiful thing for him and Im thinking that maybe this is more about me letting go and just focusing on what I want and need in life.
Like I said... Yep out of my mind and just trying to work through all this.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
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C - sounds like you are doing a great job...I don't think what you want is strange...
I'm not a big drinker but would like to be able to have some wine with that special someone (instead of 6 bottles..lol)
don't overthink everything..we don't know what God has in plan for us..keep praying..the answer will come..
I'm not a big drinker but would like to be able to have some wine with that special someone (instead of 6 bottles..lol)
don't overthink everything..we don't know what God has in plan for us..keep praying..the answer will come..
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You know what... the not drinking if I went to dinner with him really does not bother me...
What bothers me is that he is directing my actions, adjusting them to fit him. To me that means he is not comfortable being an A as yet and is still very fragil in his recovery.
Also it seem to still be all about him, I dont know if he will EVER get what my concept of a loving, healthy relationship is.. and I cant do the all about him anymore cuz he has sucked that part of me dry during the time I lived with him...
What bothers me is that he is directing my actions, adjusting them to fit him. To me that means he is not comfortable being an A as yet and is still very fragil in his recovery.
Also it seem to still be all about him, I dont know if he will EVER get what my concept of a loving, healthy relationship is.. and I cant do the all about him anymore cuz he has sucked that part of me dry during the time I lived with him...
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
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Originally Posted by Cynay
What bothers me is that he is directing my actions, adjusting them to fit him. To me that means he is not comfortable being an A as yet and is still very fragil in his recovery.
that's what our recovery is about..putting the focus back on us..
It's also about letting go of the control (powerlessness)..
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Hang in there Cynay, I personally am so glad I am no longer thinking of missing her love like I used to cause believe me, when you explore the world again, you'll one day think damm what the hell was I doing with him/her!?!!
Its already happening to me, and my friends are all saying the same thing, they thought I was crazy to take my last so seriously, and now I introduced them to some new friends I met that liked me, they thought their was no comparison in both looks and heart!!!! She is so sweet to me, totally not used to it, and when I take her out to fancy dinners, the whole place is jealous cause I'm sitting with this girl!
Keep in mind you barely saw him, they may not be honest with how they are when their alone... my ex was honest enough with me once and said when she was alone, she started breaking down and going nutz!!! This was when I thought everything looks so peaceful and happy as you described, then keep in mind, once you hang out with him again, you'll see his character hasnt really changed. I know you miss him, but your really missing the good parts only cause your forgetting the bad parts. Too easy to happen to everyone... (including myself) and you just get a little taste ofhim and youll find all the selfishness coming back like a wave... it wont be good and who knows, if destiny allows it, itll happen in the future without any effort on your part. But I get a feeling youll be happy when you meet someone more compatible and caring... (IN MY OPINION)
Its already happening to me, and my friends are all saying the same thing, they thought I was crazy to take my last so seriously, and now I introduced them to some new friends I met that liked me, they thought their was no comparison in both looks and heart!!!! She is so sweet to me, totally not used to it, and when I take her out to fancy dinners, the whole place is jealous cause I'm sitting with this girl!
Keep in mind you barely saw him, they may not be honest with how they are when their alone... my ex was honest enough with me once and said when she was alone, she started breaking down and going nutz!!! This was when I thought everything looks so peaceful and happy as you described, then keep in mind, once you hang out with him again, you'll see his character hasnt really changed. I know you miss him, but your really missing the good parts only cause your forgetting the bad parts. Too easy to happen to everyone... (including myself) and you just get a little taste ofhim and youll find all the selfishness coming back like a wave... it wont be good and who knows, if destiny allows it, itll happen in the future without any effort on your part. But I get a feeling youll be happy when you meet someone more compatible and caring... (IN MY OPINION)
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M - Yea he is... he said something about maybe a dinner to finish this talk, then said but no drinking. I have never told him if he could drink or not... and though if he asked me not too say "hey I still struggle with being around it do you mind" that would be one thing... np But to "tell me" well now that is another issue. I dont want to control him, but hance I dont want to be controled either.... I just see it as "his" issue and when listening to him talk, its all about him still.... I dont know, I will know more when we talk, but I want a clear thought process when we do... not the mushy brain that he seems to be able to create in me.
Code...... OMG Congrad.... I soooooo envy you! I will get there, Im sure of it.... either with out without my ex. It is much easier this time then before and Im still working through alot and growing.... praying.... SO... just pray that one day I will find my Zen again.
I do have choices and that is what Im working through right now.
Code...... OMG Congrad.... I soooooo envy you! I will get there, Im sure of it.... either with out without my ex. It is much easier this time then before and Im still working through alot and growing.... praying.... SO... just pray that one day I will find my Zen again.
I do have choices and that is what Im working through right now.
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Yep he made a point of saying. NO DRINKING.... after I questioned it ... which I had to do he did say cuz he is still not comfortable around it.
No problem with that, but he did not ask, he told me. Im just starting to read between the lines and look at the little things is all.
I dont have a problem with the issue, and it is his recovery... what Im questioning is .. though he says he is strong, that life is good.... he is not in a place that he is comfortable with his recovery... and if he is not that is ok too, he probably just needs more time *shrugs* or whatever... but does it really fit with who I am and where Im at?
No problem with that, but he did not ask, he told me. Im just starting to read between the lines and look at the little things is all.
I dont have a problem with the issue, and it is his recovery... what Im questioning is .. though he says he is strong, that life is good.... he is not in a place that he is comfortable with his recovery... and if he is not that is ok too, he probably just needs more time *shrugs* or whatever... but does it really fit with who I am and where Im at?
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
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So based on this thread, I see you have an Al-Anon sponsor... I was wondering if you felt it was a good decision and helpful on your part to do a sponsor or not cause I've never tried it but I kind fo dont want to try it unless its really helpful, more helpful then this forum for example...
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Code... I have to hopefully say yes. It has only been a week but I have the feeling (see post on A Blessing) she/Al-Anon will be very helpful.
I have to wait and see cuz right at this moment I want to close down, shut off and walk away from it all
I have to wait and see cuz right at this moment I want to close down, shut off and walk away from it all
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Cynay, thats exactly how I feel, kind of want to shut down and walk away from it all because I'm feeling stronger but I know I maybe experiencing overconfidence in over rating the amount of healing that may have already been applied. I know I have a lot to learn and ways to go and itd just be too easy for me to stop thinking of things and life and resume my patterns which probably will repeat.
Best wishes to you always... I'll think about sponsorship ...
Best wishes to you always... I'll think about sponsorship ...
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