Addiction counselling.

Old 05-25-2005, 06:31 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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((((Equus)))),

There are a few common themes that I keep "hearing" in your posts.

1) You keep second guessing your choices because you're afraid of how it's going to make him feel. That is the ultimate sickness that we who live with alcohol abuse have to over come. When I'm making choices for me, I have to remind myself to focus on me. If my choice is to do something to help me heal or feel better, than I can't keep obsessing about how it may (or may not!!!) make B feel. I have to make my decisions based on what I know now, not what I think may or may not happen. We can't control outcomes! D is actively accepting to go with you and he's no dummy. He knows what going to a counselor means, and yet he's still agreeing to go. What may or may not happen or be said with the counselor is out of your control. You can't stop having your feelings because you're afraid it will hurt D. If you are afraid of the alcohol because of what has happened in the past, you have to share that with him. Maybe you're afraid because you don't know how to share that without sounding mean, cold, scolding, etc... well that's EXACTLY what the counselor is there for! To help you approach the issue in the way you need to but just can't figure out!

2) I kind of touched on it above, but I'd like to say it more firmly now. You CAN NOT control the outcome or consequences. All you can do is evaluate a situation, make a decision/choice, and then wait and see what happens. Maybe D will get angry and decide he's had enough of you meddling with the alcoholism. Maybe something will be said that makes it "click" for him. Maybe this time he'll see that he really can't control the alcohol. You and I can only sit and guess about all the possible outcomes, but the reality is that we have no choice on which one happens. Trust your insticts. If you're gut says "Go see a counselor" and D is a willing participant, then you're meant to be there. Whatever happens there will happen, and it will be progress. Maybe not the direction we WANT, but in a direction we need.

Like I said before, I do have a lot of faith in you. And NO it's not misguided. I see so much strength in your honesty about the situation. You're being very true about what is going on and what you are feeling, and that is AWESOME!!!

:-) Shannon
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Old 05-25-2005, 08:35 AM
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D is actively accepting to go with you and he's no dummy. He knows what going to a counselor means, and yet he's still agreeing to go. What may or may not happen or be said with the counselor is out of your control.
That has so much to do with why I do want it to happen - I need it to be something out of my control for my own good.

It's so wierd, my head isn't protective of him, my actions haven't been, right up to utterly letting him go all those years ago. I've been the one to bring this up - still wanting him to be there, still not protecting him - and yet....

My feelings don't make sense to me, which is largely why I'm trying to sort them here first. I know I feel protective, and I know I shouldn't. My head knows 300% that there's no cause for fear just because I see him gently keeping his balance on a bus, but my stomach feels sick. My head knows that since he started fighting this he's never stopped, through relationship breakdowns, his own personal hell, losing his grandfather only made him fight harder, moving house, changing jobs, again none of which I protected him from, and none of which made him sink back the way he was.

My head knows he's one bloody tough cookie - my heart somehow got stuck in the fear of 1994 watching someone with no will to live. It effects both of us, he senses it but can't say anything I actually DO to protect him - he doesn't like it.

Generally it has got TONS better over time, counselling helped me so much and in day to day life it gets rarer and rarer for me to feel wobbly about stuff. I don't really know why this has triggered feeling like that again - maybe because I'm asking him something hard. Maybe because I do know there's one huge ghost to put to rest.

I promise one thing - I'm not going to ignore or bury this till I've slayed it!!
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Old 05-25-2005, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by equus
Generally it has got TONS better over time, counselling helped me so much and in day to day life it gets rarer and rarer for me to feel wobbly about stuff. I don't really know why this has triggered feeling like that again - maybe because I'm asking him something hard. Maybe because I do know there's one huge ghost to put to rest.
They are your memories, and they never really go away. They, like any other memories you have, can be triggered by even the most sub-conscious things. I have a memory from when I was about 3 years old. We were on a family vacation, going for a hike in a steep gorge... going to see some beautiful waterfalls. A young boy, on top of the gorge, threw a rock down, hit another woman in the head and killed her. Now by "reasoning and logic", I was barely 3 so how can I know about this? I have no clue, but ever since then I've always had nightmares and sick feelings whenever I hear a certain song, or drive by the park where it happened. I asked my Mom about it a few years ago and she was absolutely shocked at how much I remembered. I had all sorts of specific details about the lady, her husband, and their children (one was an infant and I remember my Mom taking care of the baby and changing it's diaper in our car!!!). The mind is a very powerful thing. As much as we would love to erase memories (especially those that are so tramatic), we can't... they make us who we are. The only thing we can do is try to deal with the way we react to those old memories when they re-surface. What you've been through with D has, at times I'm sure, been a "tramatic" experience for you. I don't think your fears are unfounded, and I think you're doing a great job of dealing with them. Maybe counseling will help you understand what the "triggers" are so you can either be more pro-active about avoiding them, or getting yourself to a safe place (sitting down, at the very least) before the fears kick into high gear.

Originally Posted by equus
I promise one thing - I'm not going to ignore or bury this till I've slayed it!!
Good for you! Like I said before, I have so much faith in you, and I'm so very impressed with the love you have for D and commitment you have to the marriage. It has really inspired me to dig down and find alot more patience with B. Thank you for doing that for me!
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Old 05-25-2005, 11:36 AM
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It has really inspired me to dig down and find alot more patience with B.
Lots of my patience with D comes from how much he improved before coming to look for me. Someone can bluff 'good' behaviour for a week or even a few months but he had 6 years of steady improvement behind him. I think that makes it easier rather than make me any better.

Maybe counseling will help you understand what the "triggers" are so you can either be more pro-active about avoiding them, or getting yourself to a safe place (sitting down, at the very least) before the fears kick into high gear.
Nothing really happens when I feel this - I'm aware of it, like remember how he felt to hug when he was very thin and that does make me want to hug the plumper him! I know it's not rational - or at least it's out of place so it doesn't escalate, I just stay aware that it's there.

This has really brought it home to me though that my feelings are still over protective and even without acting on that, even standing back, it's still something I need to sort out.

I haven't said anything yet because he's doing uni work. I hope I get it together to mention it after tea!! This is from me, I know he won't react badly and nothing bad will happen but I haven't got over my personal hump with this yet! He doesn't get home from work till gone 7pm, then studies till sometimes 10pm, go me making an excuse of the fact he looks knackered!!

I hope I'm not the only one who occassionally flounders around like a fish on a trampoline!!
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Old 05-25-2005, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by equus
I hope I'm not the only one who occassionally flounders around like a fish on a trampoline!!


Of course you're not the only one! I spent a good hour and a half last night trying to get up the courage to talk to B!! This was after my FIL had told me that B had called him and told him that he wanted/needed to talk to me last night! When I finally opened my mouth, he was so relieved! He was afraid to approach me as well! It must have looked like two teenagers fumbling around each other!!
:slaphead
It was worth it though... because we both really opened up and had a completely AWESOME, and honest conversation. We're making progress.
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Old 05-25-2005, 01:02 PM
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It was worth it though... because we both really opened up and had a completely AWESOME, and honest conversation. We're making progress.
That is so good to hear!!! I wish I was getting as far! BUT I got a good excuse - honest.... D needed to do more uni stuff and has gone back upatairs. See, perfect excuse!
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Old 05-25-2005, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by equus
That is so good to hear!!! I wish I was getting as far! BUT I got a good excuse - honest.... D needed to do more uni stuff and has gone back upatairs. See, perfect excuse!
Okay... then no more excuses. Call and make the appointment yourself, and then all you have to do is tell D, "Be here on such and such day at such and such time!" That way you don't have to interrupt him! If you need to work out a good time in his schedule, ask him for 2 minutes tonight... tell him you need at least 3 time slots that he might be available. Then you call the counselor and see if any of those will work!

No more excuses!!!
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Old 05-26-2005, 05:24 AM
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Hey again,you say -as My struggle right now is I improve even further in My marriage He is going to be mentioned-thats just a fact of life.
Well of course everyone,s different.This for myself is not true,nor is it a fact of life,that my hub ever be mentioned in my issues,about my marriage,my anything really.All had to do with me.My thoughts,----my reactions.It all had to do with what i was telling myself about another.My own dialoge,to myself was what was causing my issues.My sponsor once asked me,when i would mention another,if we could send all the folks that you think are involved with your hurting,{or whatever youre feeling,that causes you issues}to theorphy,do you think that "You" would then get better?When she first asked me this i laughed,and thought hey thats not a bad idea!!!!But when i got honest i realized that i needed to focus only on myself,and how to change.To each their own.
keep on,keeping on.

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Old 05-26-2005, 05:32 AM
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^^^ I'm so glad you're around Cap!! If the world was full of 'me's' it'd scare the pants off me!!

We need all kinds of different people, that's the beauty of SR if we all came from the same point of view there would be absolutely no point in sharing with each other.
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