Hi - I'm new here

Old 05-20-2005, 10:03 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
herewegoagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
Hi - I'm new here

I'm an adult child of two alcoholics...and lo and behold, I married a "binge drinker." That's what my former therapist labeled him as, anyway. That actually caught me off guard, I thought I was smart enough to know what to look out for, lol. Silly me. I also turned a blind eye to his drinking. I knew from the beginning there was "probably" an issue, but chose not to see it. In the post that described the typical ways we contribute to a problem really opened my eyes. I tend to be either the martyr or the...oh, what was the word ? Anyway, I tend to try get him to stop drinking by talking with him, threatening to leave, or giving him the silent treatment. I try to rationalize with him...remind him that we have a 19 month old son who needs him, that if he gets arrested for DUI while driving home from the bar he'd lose his job, etc., etc. I'm kind of at a loss where to go from here. Part of the problem is I keep doubting how much a problem this really is. Seems a little silly, I know. But he's just so different than what I'm used to dealing with. He goes out once a week after lodge (he's a freemason), and stays at the bar until 1 or 2 in the morning. We've argued several times over that, I've asked him to cut back..etc. We have slightly opposite work schedules, I work Mon - Fri, and he works Sun - Thur. Thursday nights are lodge nights. When I accepted my new schedule, it was with the understanding our son would be spending LESS time in daycare (in other words, Fridays he'd spend with my husband). As we speak, our son is in daycare while my husband catches up on his sleep after getting home at 1:15. Masonry and his drinking seems to be a constant sore spot - and I'm left feeling very angry and sad. My husband is otherwise very good to me and I love him dearly - he's a wonderful father too. There are other issues going on at the moment as well - everything has me feeling so overwhelmed. I guess what I'm asking for is a little support, and a point in the right direction on where to go from here. Sorry this is so long, I guess I just needed to get all this off my chest.
herewegoagain is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 10:09 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cynay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... and you dont have to apologize for needing support. Type as much as you need to.

Im sorry your hurting... remember you did not cause it, cant control it and cant cure it.... as has been told to me MANY times, check out an Al-non meeting, keep reading the posts here and take very good care of yourself.

We are here to help
Cynay is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 10:13 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Minx1969's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Damn Cynay beat me to it!

Welcome to SR HWGA! You are definately in the right place. As Cynay said there is a lot of support here and in Alanon as well..I noticed you are in the Southwest - I'm hoping it is AZ because I'd be happy to take you to your first Alanon meeting..

Read the stickies at the top of the forum..You will find solutions to your problems..even it is just to vent.

Big hug,

Minx
Minx1969 is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 10:19 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
herewegoagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
Minx-

Actually, I'm in NM. But I really appreciate the offer. Thanks so much for the replies.
herewegoagain is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 10:21 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Minx1969's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Definately go to an Alanon meeting..There are many that have free babysitting or don't mind you bringing a child...

Alanon has really made a difference in my life..
Minx1969 is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 10:27 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
cwohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
here - welcome and you were welcomed by the gals from the southwest already. do try to check out al-anon. it really helps most folks - they even have meetings for adult children of alcoholics (i am one myself and am married to a alcoholic - go figure). we definitely have our own issues and need to focus on ourselves which is the basis of al-anon.

come vent, post anytime - we're here to support each other!

hugs - chris
cwohio is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 10:59 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
herewegoagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
Really ?? I didn't know some would do babysitting, or let you bring your child. I'll have to look into that.


I have a lot of questions running around in my head - I'll have to sort them out. First and foremost though, is how the heck do I talk to him about issues, without me inadvertently enabling him ? For example - the issue today about him sleeping at home rather than caring for our son. The whole reason that's going on is because of how late he stayed out....
herewegoagain is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 12:58 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
walkingtheline's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
First of all, welcome!

One of the biggest lessons we learn through Al-anon is to mean what we say, say what we mean and not say it in a mean way. If it's important to you that your child be with your hub on fridays and not in day care you must make that clear.

Feel free to post questions. This place is filled with wisdom, most here have "been there, done that" in one way or another and you can learn from their experiences and we can often tell you what didn't work for us as well!

I hope you'll feel comfortable here...put your feet up and read, read, read! And feel free to ask, to participate, to vent, whatever! We share a common bond and most of us can honestly say, "I understand."
walkingtheline is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 01:38 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
herewegoagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by walkingtheline
First of all, welcome!

One of the biggest lessons we learn through Al-anon is to mean what we say, say what we mean and not say it in a mean way. If it's important to you that your child be with your hub on fridays and not in day care you must make that clear.

Feel free to post questions. This place is filled with wisdom, most here have "been there, done that" in one way or another and you can learn from their experiences and we can often tell you what didn't work for us as well!

I hope you'll feel comfortable here...put your feet up and read, read, read! And feel free to ask, to participate, to vent, whatever! We share a common bond and most of us can honestly say, "I understand."
Thank you so much...I think I'm really going to like it here. I've been reading lots of threads, getting re-acquainted with the al-anon mode of thinking...I know I'm preaching to the choir about this...but it's just so hard because I truly love this man, and I know he loves me. He's not mean or abusive in any way....it's just more often than not I'm left feeling as though lodge/drinking is MUCH more important to him than me and our son - though he would adamantly deny that. Letting it go, not getting mad, and not laying awake worrying about him is going to be really, really hard - but something I'm already starting to work on.
herewegoagain is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 01:57 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Cruelty-Free
 
nocellphone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
[Um... has anyone mentioned Al-Anon?

See? This is why I love this site! All my peeps are here!]

HWGA--welcome again. I know that you'll find your answers. You're already asking the right questions...
nocellphone is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 02:25 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
herewegoagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by nocellphone
[Um... has anyone mentioned Al-Anon?

See? This is why I love this site! All my peeps are here!]

HWGA--welcome again. I know that you'll find your answers. You're already asking the right questions...
LOL oh yes, of course Al-Anon has been mentioned. What ? Am I the perfect candidate for it or something ? LOL !!
herewegoagain is offline  
Old 05-20-2005, 02:35 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Am I the perfect candidate for it or something ?
We all are!! That's why we're here.

Welcome. You've found a great place - second only to face to face meetings. Whilst I might not have had the same experience as you, you can bet that someone here has.

Keep looking around - when I first got here a year ago, I spent days trawling back through old posts. It really helped me to get a "feel" for what SR was all about and helped me to feel less isolated. Check out the other forums too, especially the nar-anon one.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Love

Minnie
xxx
minnie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:44 AM.