needn to get this off my chest!Help!!!!
Fantastic Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
needn to get this off my chest!Help!!!!
Thanks everyone for all of the encouragement. I have to vent even more here...and maybe get some insight even though I have been to a number of counselors.
I don't want a poor kitty how have you survived, because I grew up well, never wanting for anything. I had the best. BUT, my Mom divorced when I was a baby and I grew up with a step dad that drank a ton,I was told the guy I was crazy in love with in high school was tooooooo poor for me and I was sent off to a fashionable girls college to meet better. I still feel he was the one I should have been with. Then the guy I was dating for two years college was killed in a horrific car accident, then I married his friend and A #1, I divorced him 20 years later. That divorce was in the making for four years and was just sitting....I did not care for the A#1 and I was having a real good time in my new carreer! Then I met what I thought was the man of my dreams( even thought I discovered he was a pathological liar, I was still crazy for him. I IMMEDIATELY got divorced to spend all of my effforts and time on him.......... he died two years later of lung cancer, this was one year after my dad died from cancer and my Grandfather died of Parkinsons who was like a dad to me. The same year my%^ XX ^& dream man dies, I married A # 2........It does not take a rocket scientitst to see I am the rebound QUEEN!
Has anyone else been here? I can't stand my story...I feel like I am drawn to problems. I have paid thousands to so called shrinks and still I need to "be " that person.
I am really having the worst times these days, I wake up with that empty whole feeling.
Love "the blue" Kitty
I don't want a poor kitty how have you survived, because I grew up well, never wanting for anything. I had the best. BUT, my Mom divorced when I was a baby and I grew up with a step dad that drank a ton,I was told the guy I was crazy in love with in high school was tooooooo poor for me and I was sent off to a fashionable girls college to meet better. I still feel he was the one I should have been with. Then the guy I was dating for two years college was killed in a horrific car accident, then I married his friend and A #1, I divorced him 20 years later. That divorce was in the making for four years and was just sitting....I did not care for the A#1 and I was having a real good time in my new carreer! Then I met what I thought was the man of my dreams( even thought I discovered he was a pathological liar, I was still crazy for him. I IMMEDIATELY got divorced to spend all of my effforts and time on him.......... he died two years later of lung cancer, this was one year after my dad died from cancer and my Grandfather died of Parkinsons who was like a dad to me. The same year my%^ XX ^& dream man dies, I married A # 2........It does not take a rocket scientitst to see I am the rebound QUEEN!
Has anyone else been here? I can't stand my story...I feel like I am drawn to problems. I have paid thousands to so called shrinks and still I need to "be " that person.
I am really having the worst times these days, I wake up with that empty whole feeling.
Love "the blue" Kitty
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Kitty
No wonder you want to hang on to everyone, life has dealt you a pretty bad hand as far as relationships go. Aside from a few bad choices, nothing that happened to you was your fault or anything you could do something about.
Maybe now would be a good time to put the brakes on and just focus on yourself. You have so much healing to do and deserve the rest. Rebounds rarely work, because there is no time to assess the situation before you are in knee deep.
Take your time and learn first to love yourself. This means discovering who you are, and for me that was pretty scary. It took a lot of time, but knowing who I am helps me decide what and who I will share my life and friendships with. I make better choices now, and I learned to discover where my boundaries need to be.
Meetings help a lot in this department, Kitty, as does working the 12-steps. It is a learning process, and promotes our healing and allows us to finally move forward without fear. Fear is our worst enemy. We go through life living in "what ifs" and "if only's" and get stuck. We hate our present life but are terrified of the unknown. We need to learn how to move forward unafraid and that is what this program and recovery is all about.
You are a terrific person Kitty, just you...all by yourself. Not as someone's daughter, or someone's wife, or someone's mother, but just exactly as you are. Getting to know yourself will give you a life that is all yours, and then you can add to it or share it safely and with strength.
And keep the faith with your Higher Power. He will look after you and shine light on your path. And you can move out of this darkness into the light of your new life.
My prayers are with you.
No wonder you want to hang on to everyone, life has dealt you a pretty bad hand as far as relationships go. Aside from a few bad choices, nothing that happened to you was your fault or anything you could do something about.
Maybe now would be a good time to put the brakes on and just focus on yourself. You have so much healing to do and deserve the rest. Rebounds rarely work, because there is no time to assess the situation before you are in knee deep.
Take your time and learn first to love yourself. This means discovering who you are, and for me that was pretty scary. It took a lot of time, but knowing who I am helps me decide what and who I will share my life and friendships with. I make better choices now, and I learned to discover where my boundaries need to be.
Meetings help a lot in this department, Kitty, as does working the 12-steps. It is a learning process, and promotes our healing and allows us to finally move forward without fear. Fear is our worst enemy. We go through life living in "what ifs" and "if only's" and get stuck. We hate our present life but are terrified of the unknown. We need to learn how to move forward unafraid and that is what this program and recovery is all about.
You are a terrific person Kitty, just you...all by yourself. Not as someone's daughter, or someone's wife, or someone's mother, but just exactly as you are. Getting to know yourself will give you a life that is all yours, and then you can add to it or share it safely and with strength.
And keep the faith with your Higher Power. He will look after you and shine light on your path. And you can move out of this darkness into the light of your new life.
My prayers are with you.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Kitty,
You are doing some deep thinking here and things are getting all stirred up.
You say you have spent thousands on shrinks...well I spent one dollar per meeting and I was able to get to the bottom of a whole lot of %$#& in my life. It takes time and it gets ugly while you are working the steps but I am living proof that it works. And so are a number of other people on these boards.
Maybe it sounds like a mantra on this board but that is for a reason...it works if you work it. I was married and my son was still at home and I went to 4 meetings a week. Are you worth giving this a try? You could fill a few of the nites you spend torturing yourself and go to meetings.
Part of this, I believe is because you were under the assumption that your A ( any of them) was the problem and now you are left with you. Trust me here...I wouldn't lie to you...unless you get to the core you still will not be happy. When you leave you take you with you. And you may find another guy but the chances are great that it will be a similar disappointment.
What you have been dealt sucks...and what I have been dealt sucks. All we can do is try to save ourselves and find some happiness. Alanon worked for me and it can work for you too.
(((HUGS))))
JT
You are doing some deep thinking here and things are getting all stirred up.
You say you have spent thousands on shrinks...well I spent one dollar per meeting and I was able to get to the bottom of a whole lot of %$#& in my life. It takes time and it gets ugly while you are working the steps but I am living proof that it works. And so are a number of other people on these boards.
Maybe it sounds like a mantra on this board but that is for a reason...it works if you work it. I was married and my son was still at home and I went to 4 meetings a week. Are you worth giving this a try? You could fill a few of the nites you spend torturing yourself and go to meetings.
Part of this, I believe is because you were under the assumption that your A ( any of them) was the problem and now you are left with you. Trust me here...I wouldn't lie to you...unless you get to the core you still will not be happy. When you leave you take you with you. And you may find another guy but the chances are great that it will be a similar disappointment.
What you have been dealt sucks...and what I have been dealt sucks. All we can do is try to save ourselves and find some happiness. Alanon worked for me and it can work for you too.
(((HUGS))))
JT
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Kitty
Ditto what the others have said. All I can add is that I have learned in meetings and by working the steps that if I don't get to the core of why I do the things I do, I will continue to be attracted to the same darn man in different skin. At first they seem to be the answer to my prayers, but when you boil it all away its the SAME PERSON over and over again.
I have to believe that you want better for yourself, so take some time to heal and discover who you really are.
Keep posting. We're here to love and support you all the way
Osier59
Ditto what the others have said. All I can add is that I have learned in meetings and by working the steps that if I don't get to the core of why I do the things I do, I will continue to be attracted to the same darn man in different skin. At first they seem to be the answer to my prayers, but when you boil it all away its the SAME PERSON over and over again.
I have to believe that you want better for yourself, so take some time to heal and discover who you really are.
Keep posting. We're here to love and support you all the way
Osier59
Guest
Posts: n/a
Kitty,
I clung to a boy from the time I was 4 years old and was never without a boyfriend until I was 37.
When I let go and let God he healed me. I am living my worst nightmare and it turned out not to be a nightmare at all. I am alone and happy. This is a miracle. I was addicted to men for my life. I could not survive without a man in my life. I was totally invisible without a man. I didn't know who I was at all.
I had to come out of denial and face my pain and my past and my fears to get here. There was a time in my life that I ended up in the hospital when my boyfriend left me. I could not function at all. I was suicidal and stopped eating and could not take care of my children. I could not go on in life without him.
I then married my first drug addict(my second husband, first husband killed himself). I divorced him and got a new boyfriend that was an alcoholic. Could not let him go. He treated me wonderful even though he drank.
I finally broke it off becase God was leaning on me to do so. I gave up my dream to be nurtured when I left him because he took good care of me.
That is when God healed me and I learned who I am (almost) at least enough to be on my own.
You're going to be ok Kitty. Don't settle for less. I have peace in life most of the time. Still learning to deal with my son.
Keep sharing. Don't ever feel that you can't.
Hugs,
MG
I clung to a boy from the time I was 4 years old and was never without a boyfriend until I was 37.
When I let go and let God he healed me. I am living my worst nightmare and it turned out not to be a nightmare at all. I am alone and happy. This is a miracle. I was addicted to men for my life. I could not survive without a man in my life. I was totally invisible without a man. I didn't know who I was at all.
I had to come out of denial and face my pain and my past and my fears to get here. There was a time in my life that I ended up in the hospital when my boyfriend left me. I could not function at all. I was suicidal and stopped eating and could not take care of my children. I could not go on in life without him.
I then married my first drug addict(my second husband, first husband killed himself). I divorced him and got a new boyfriend that was an alcoholic. Could not let him go. He treated me wonderful even though he drank.
I finally broke it off becase God was leaning on me to do so. I gave up my dream to be nurtured when I left him because he took good care of me.
That is when God healed me and I learned who I am (almost) at least enough to be on my own.
You're going to be ok Kitty. Don't settle for less. I have peace in life most of the time. Still learning to deal with my son.
Keep sharing. Don't ever feel that you can't.
Hugs,
MG
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Kitty,
I hear you loud and clear and ditto to
what everyone has said. I "was" a
rebound queen also, my first husband
"A" was killed in a car accident, I was
with him for 8 years, I was 23 when he
died. I never remarried
but I would jump from the frying pan
back into the fire over and over. I have
been in 5 "A" relationships over the years. And if there was a lull, I was very
busy rescuing my oldest "A" son. I have
been single for 2 years now, barely get-
ting comfortable in my own skin. I kicked
my last "A" son out in December, and here
I was sooooo alone. I didn't know where
to start at 47 years old, first I bought
"Codependent No More", a eye opener to
what I have been doing most of my life,
and what I could do with my life. If you
haven't read the book Kitty-go get it!
I love being alone and single, this is my
time to get to know me-finally.
Hugs,
I hear you loud and clear and ditto to
what everyone has said. I "was" a
rebound queen also, my first husband
"A" was killed in a car accident, I was
with him for 8 years, I was 23 when he
died. I never remarried
but I would jump from the frying pan
back into the fire over and over. I have
been in 5 "A" relationships over the years. And if there was a lull, I was very
busy rescuing my oldest "A" son. I have
been single for 2 years now, barely get-
ting comfortable in my own skin. I kicked
my last "A" son out in December, and here
I was sooooo alone. I didn't know where
to start at 47 years old, first I bought
"Codependent No More", a eye opener to
what I have been doing most of my life,
and what I could do with my life. If you
haven't read the book Kitty-go get it!
I love being alone and single, this is my
time to get to know me-finally.
Hugs,
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
Rebounding
Hey Kitty. I can't add to what has already been said, but I think a common thread for all of us has been rebounding. We are usually the rebound queens in our reality. (I want a diamond tiara). The only advice I can offer is to slow down. When our thoughts are racing and we try to deal with our whole past at once God can't get in there. Ask him in your life and give this over to him. Be still and WAIT. Being still kills me, but I'm never sorry...... Hugs to you.....
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Kitty,
The topic at my last Al Anon meeting was Being in the Hall. They say when God closes a door, he opens another one, but sometimes we are supposed to just WAIT in the hall. Many people shared how excruciating their "hall time" was, but how wonderful the end result was after they had time to wait and heal.
Things will happen when the time is right.
Hugs
Osier59
The topic at my last Al Anon meeting was Being in the Hall. They say when God closes a door, he opens another one, but sometimes we are supposed to just WAIT in the hall. Many people shared how excruciating their "hall time" was, but how wonderful the end result was after they had time to wait and heal.
Things will happen when the time is right.
Hugs
Osier59
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Kitty -
all I can say is ditto to what has already been said.
I too have to tell you that working the steps with another person will help you tremendously, go to meetings and look at the faces of the people in those meetings, you will think you are looking in a mirror. You will find a comfort there like you have not felt.
Give it a try, what do you have to lose?
(((KITTY)))
all I can say is ditto to what has already been said.
I too have to tell you that working the steps with another person will help you tremendously, go to meetings and look at the faces of the people in those meetings, you will think you are looking in a mirror. You will find a comfort there like you have not felt.
Give it a try, what do you have to lose?
(((KITTY)))
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