The daily drinker
 

I'm a newbie, but have been reading lots of posts and am wondering if any of the following is familiar. I have read lots about people's A's who go out drinking, or binge for three days, but I haven't seen anyone comment on a story similar to mine (I am sure others have been through this, I just haven't seen thier post) My fiance has reached a point where she is drinking everyday. We've been living together for a year as we planned our wedding and so she could go to school full time to finish getting her BS. Up until about six months ago, she rarely drank more than a social drink out with friends, but she has graduated to drinking everyday to varying levels of intoxication. (Her Mom has recently told me that she has had this issue before, but seemed to get things under control when we started dating) She does the bulk of her drinking at home, because she doesn't like to frequent bars or other hang outs. Since she is in school and only works part time, I leave in the morning before she does and I get home after she's already been home for several hours, leaving her time to drink as much as she wants. That's not to say that I follow her around checking to see what sh'e doing the whole time, but she hides her drinking from me and denies it if I should even suggest "she's not herself". At any rate, I have given up looking for the hidden shots of Vodka, or the bottles, because knowing where it is does not stop her from drinking. I am so tired of coming home after a frustrating day of work to find her barely able to stand up at 5:00 in the afternoon. Some days are worse than others, some she just is slurring speech and talking nonsense while telling me how horrible I am for every little thing I have ever done wrong or might do again in the future. Other days she can hardly function and passes out by 7:00. I guess my real question is, how do you not worry about your A when you know they are driving under the influence or in danger of hurting themselves while intoxicated? I am scared to death that she is going to get in an accident and hurt herself or someone else. Or even just falling down at home while trying to do anything and getting hurt (she's already broken lamps, glasses, etc from falling). And yet it seems to be getting worse because I told her we had to postpone the wedding (it was to be tomorrow) until we both got help for this. We have been going to couples therapy and she has an appt with an substance abuse counsellor in two weeks. I know that it is up to her to want to make the choice to get help, and I really dont think she is going to follow through with very much. She says now that the wedding is postponed, she has no incentive to stop drinking. I dont know how much more I can take this. Home is supposed to be your safe haven, not someplace I have to dread coming home to. I am thankful not to be in danger of physical harm like I have read from other posts, but I still feel lousy when I think of how unhappy our home has become. Any thoughts?

Her comment about having no incentive to stop drinking due to the wedding being postponed is just another excuse for her to have a reason to drink.
And, that's what alcoholics do. They blame anything and everything on someone or something else, so they can feel better about drinking. That statement doesn't really make sense. In the sane world, if someones behavior was causing problems, they would change their behavior and the wedding would be on! But, she isn't sane. Active addicts are just about as insane as they come!

You say you feel lousy - only you can do something about it. You didn't cause her drinking, you can't control her drinking, and you can't cure her drinking. We sometimes trick ourselves into accepting unacceptable behavior because they have a "problem" or a "disease" or an "addiction" or whatever you want to call it. If you find something unnacceptable, then YOU have to do something differently.

It sounds like you have read or know about alcoholism. My thought would be to seek out support from a church or alanon group or even a counselor for a while.

You don't deserve to feel lousy.
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

Take care!

PS, my addict has been through all the different "types" of drinking. Binge drinking, drinking every day, all day, just drinking on weekends, just drinking drinking after 5pm, just drinking after 12noon... seen it all. It is progressive and gets worse if they don't get help.

I am new to all this, so I can't really give any advice or answers, but.....I recently started reading books to help me. I am terrified at who I have become. The one thing I am trying to learn is that they know they have been drinking, my pointing it out is just a trigger for the usual drama. He gets defensive, I get sad, hurt, angry....Nothing will be accompolished when he is drunk. After reading "Getting Sober" I realized that all my insights, opinions, don't matter in that moment. Hell, half the time they don't remember.It truly sucks that you have to come home to it. They don't think we notice. It took my man losing almost everything for him to try to sober up..it took a slow month and by this time 4 months later , we are back to the begining. The only advice I can give is, get yourself help first. I am only successful when he has a sober moment, then maybe just maybe he will hear me. I have fallen into a pattern of looking for bottles, then finding them....then what. My screaming and crying doesn't mean anything. They immediatley will deny and defy anything. You need to help yourself, because the negativity will/can destroy who you are. I have learned my patterns for expecting the pain, the hurt, I have made myself a victim. And I have found that for so long I used his problem to validate my own problems. Don't get sucked into this. It sucks thinking and worrying about them all day. Do they think about us the same amount of time? It is said that alcholism is a selfish disease. It seems that you are worrying about her well being more than you are focused on your own. I have hope that by finding my peace, it will reflect on him, but what do we do in the meantime? Breathe.....

Just realized I got sidetracked on my own story... Sorry...

Thank you all
 

Thank you for the responses, this forum has been a Godsend in helping me to learn and see that I am not wrong for feeling the way I do and that I am not the only one with these circumstances. It is just so amazingly difficult to realize that I may need to say good bye to someone I love in order to do what's best for me. My other issue is that I do understand it is a disease but at some point there is a choice the A has to make... get help to stop hurting the one's you love, or remain in denial and lose everything. Because of that, I feel as though I am competeing for her love, and unfortunately losing to the alcohol.

Thanks again, and God bless everyone out there that is hurting and still trying to help others through this forum.

i dont know if you have read any of my posts,but i was in a very similar situation. what made mine even more difficult for me was mine could down close or at a twelve pack of beer a nite,and still function. no slurring of words,falling etc. in the beginning,i saw it was a problem but chose to try and live with it because he was functional in so many ways. but over time,i realized that once we finally did start to get out of the house and he got comfortable with me,he could be pretty ****** out. and that wasnt even excessive,but enough to make me uncomfortable. i also started to notice the constant negativity and complaining. and then how even though he seemed functionable, he almost seemed brain damaged,because of some simple things he couldnt do or needed help with or did with much more trouble than the average person. i also saw that there were some things with him morally,that i didnt like but put them off to being "open minded". in coming here, i saw where many a's arent morally sound. on hindsight now, i think over the years he has substituted one addiction for another,and now he feels the beer is no big deal. i also, frankly got tired of being the one to drive all the time cuz i worried about him doing it. at one point, he told me he didnt think it was right that him not drinking should be a condition of our relationship. and its funny because i never said it that way. ever.
this relationship has messed me up so bad, i cant begin to tell you. when i was in it, and now that i left.
im so glad you wrote and i could respond, because as im typing im feeling alittle better.........if she wont get help, get out. and if you want or need to chat feel free to contact me.

It's better to postpone the wedding, than later, trying to make it so you postpone the divorce.

Dear German,

Wise decision to postpone the wedding. You don't need the added heartache of having to take over financial responsibility for her. If married your names' were on things together, you'd be the one they'd come after if she didn't pay.

As long as she's drinking, try living your own life. Seek help at alanon as well as the couples counselling you're attending. She's going to do her thing. So might as well do yours.