Sasha99

Hi everyone... I"m new... I've been reading for the last couple of days and what I've read has scared me, encouraged me and inspired me. Now I have a question...

When my boyfriend drinks, it seems to lower the barriers to emotional closeness... at first. If he keeps drinking, he starts debating and becomes very cerebral.

But when he's not drinking, it seems to me that it's hard to connect with him. Is this common? I usually initiate sexual contact, and it's starting to bug me. He is usually pretty responsive, although sometimes I feel I have to drag him to the bedroom. Once we get there, he's totally present and quite emotionally involved... more than any man I've ever been with. It's just GETTING him there is difficult. It's like he wants me to take all the emotional risk of initiating... Does anyone else have this experience?

Ann

Hi Sasha

I just want to welcome you to the forum and say I am glad you came out of the shadows to join us.

Others will be by to help answer your questions....my addict is my son and I am not too familiar with your situation. I do know that with most addictions, their sex drive is lessened by the drug and has nothing to do with your appeal.

He probably is incapable of the emotional attachment right now, and this will be the case as long as he uses. And alcohol can affect their performance and maybe he is afraid of that. (All this coming from an old broad like me).

Anyway, welcome and I hope you stick around for some great recovery for you.

Morning Glory

Welcome Sasha,

It has been so long for me I don't even remember how.

Just wanted to welcome you.

Hugs,
MG

Cajun girl

Sasha- My A has a very hard time with intimacy. If he can have sex, all is well. It's making love that is difficult for him. He talks about it afterwards and knows there is so much he's missed and he is threatened by being loved. I think too their self esteem might get in the way of "things." Hope this helps.

Kittycat

WELLLLLLLL...I am an OLD broad too, MY A is 8 years my junior, so my memory is a bit better. But I can tell you he was never as sexual as I am. ( VBG) Some men aren't! Hard to believe but they are out there!!
My first A and I were the same age and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSS! The drinking was a major problem...when he was 28....it was a problem!
I guess Viagara has helped a bit................welcome to the board!
LOVE KITTY

osier59

Sasha,

Welcome! I agree with what the others have said. The drugs/alcohol can impede the sex drive, but I think the lack of wanting to initiate sex has to do with the emotional stuff moreso than the physical. He probably feels pretty bad about what he is doing (drinking so much) , and it spills over into the other parts of his life. PLUS I imagine you're right, he wants you to take the emotional risk. Im sure he's worried about being rejected... BIG TIME

So glad you're here. Keep coming back!

Osier59

Sasha99

for making me feel so welcome.

I should mention also that he's 52 and I'm 53. He's divorced and I'm a widow (2 years for each of us). It's been a long time since I was in a new relationship and I'm trying to remember how it was when I got together with my husband over 14 years ago. There were some really rocky times.... he wasn't an alcoholic, but he had many life-threatening health problems which became the center of our marriage and, frankly, eroded it. It occurred to me a couple of days ago, that by falling in love with an alcoholic, I've once again put myself in the position of caretaker, something I swore I'd never do again...

Thanks again for your welcome...

Morning Glory

Sasha99,

We've all repeated the caretaker role. Try to go to an alanon meeting and there is some good reading material listed at the top of the alanon board here too.

We're here anytime you need to talk.

Hugs,
MG

Ninerfan

Hi Sasha and welcome to the boards. Your situation reminds me of me frankly. My girlfriend HAD to make ALL the moves until I got comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship sober. I had never done that sober so there was a lot to learn. Our first sexual encounters were hilarious but she hung in there with me and was very patient. We also discuss everything that is going on with us, which is sometimes a drag but overall, it is really helpful.

If I can offer anything here it is to talk to your man. Sit him down and talk about things that are important to you. But be ready, because he may respond in a way that you never predicted. And that may be a good thing.

By the way, is your man a drinker or an alcoholic?

Sasha99

y'all have given me a lot of comfort. Thank you.

Ninerfan, I particularly appreciate the male point of view. What you describe fits us.

I don't know what the difference is between a drinker and an alcoholic. He said he's an alcoholic, but he may have said that pre-emptively, so I couldn't say it first. (Not that I would have.)

What is the difference?

Regarding talking: he is quite willing to talk about anything and everything at any time. He's the first guy I've met who is willing to do this and does not shrink from it. We made an agreement within days of meeting that we would talk about stuff as it came up, and we have. Sometimes it's grueling, and I think I'm the first woman he's met who will go the distance in one of these Heavy Discussions. He's certainly the only guy I've met who will. Most men just give in or check out mentally. The other night we were having one of these discussions and I held on tenaciously. At one point he stopped and laughed and embraced me and said, "you really are relentless... don't ever stop being relentless..." I've even forgotten what we were talking about. It might not have even been anything personal, but some general topic...

I do plan to start attending al-anon. I have the local directory of meetings right here with me. I want to stop being a caretaker.

journeygal

Hi Sasha and welcome!

I totally relate to your situation. My husband/A rarely initiates sex. Once I do or he does, it's great. But actually getting started - between the guilt he feels for his behavior when his addiction was active to my codependency and overwhelming fear of rejection, it's amazing either one of us are ever able to initiate sex at all! At least you and your boyfriend seem to make contact every once in a while. When my A's addiction is active, sex was the first thing to go - completely! I have read that emotional intimacy is very difficult for active A's or A's early in recovery. So, be patient. Don't worry, it's not you. Talk with him about it if you think he would be open to discussing it. Unfortunately, my A isn't. I had to learn not to take it personally, which was VERY hard for me to do. But, I eventually learned that it had nothing to do with me, and the same probably goes for your situation.

Good luck and keep coming back!

Sasha99

Thanks for the input everyone. He is willing to talk. When I asked him why he doesn't initiate, he says frankly he doesn't know, but he will think about it. I believe he WILL think about it; he usually follows through on questions that come up between us.

This is hard.