Confused & feeling empty...

Old 05-18-2005, 05:39 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Rho
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Long Island, NY
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Unhappy Confused & feeling empty...

Here it is 8pm and I am feeling so sad and confused once again. I have been not feeling well since Sunday evening. Me and my recovering (so I thought) husband have been living apart since Feb. 04, but anyways.

This morning he watched our son so I could go to the Drs. When I went to pick my son up, my husband asked if he could take a ride with me and he would run in my perscription so I didn't have to with our little guy, so he did, then he took a ride with me to Borders to get a book on Microsoft Project (something I need to learn for work), then he wanted to get lunch together, & we did. We went back to his moms & I thought I'd be able to lay down take a nap cause my son would be watched over. Well no he said "Honey if you want the 2 of you can sit in the living room causse I am going to go up and close my eyes for a while I am not feeling well". I was like HUH? I didn't say nothing but I was feeling that way. I told him no help me put him in the truck and we'll go home to my moms (where I am living for now). I did he wanted a kiss good-bye, he told me to relax and take care of my self so I can feel better.

Well I came home was coloring was wanting to nap but couldn't cause of my little guy and of course cause I wanted him to nap he wouldn't oh well. My daughter came home from school my husband called me 2-1/2 hours after I left his moms and well it was to tell me he just woke up and how was I feeling? O and that he LOVES ME SO MUCH!

Well just about 5 minutes ago he called and we were talking then I asked him "Honey whats wrong you sound down or soemthing"? He went on to say he was depressed life sucks and so on (all negative). I asked "Honey is there anything I can do"? He said no, I asked him "Honey when can we get a place together so we can be a real family again"? He went off about w"Why the F@%# would he do that so I can become that nasty Bitch that I am again"! That life sucks enough and so on & he hung up. I called him back and he sctreamed at me "What the F@*& now"! I said "Honey I love you why don't you go to a meeting"? He got more mad and went offo n me ,& hung up on me again. I got upset and called him back to ask him "Wat is your problem? and that if he really feels this way, then I am GOING TO GO FILE DIVORCE PAPERS!

I just don't understand! We both have been clean since 2/21/04! Well I thought we BOTH were but he told me the other night that he has slipped and got drunk the other night and a few other times these past 2 months. He begged me to please not get nasty with him or call his Probation officer or go to family court to F him over becasue he is arrears to me for 3 Grans plus I agreed 2/14/05 to lower his child support to $70 a week and he has not paid a dime of that oh except $300.

I told him no I was not going to get nasty, but I was not happy that he messed up. But I love him and want the best for him, we held each other, I lend him money here and there, by dinner when we have dinner together. I am working full time going to evening classes to try and better myself to be worth MORE Money at my job and well he has not worked since way before Feb 04. People tell me I am crazy for still loving him and wanting things to be better and work things out my 13 year old daughter gets so upset with me. But I love him, I don't love what he does and has done to me, but I love him.

I have put my wedding ring back on, been making love to him UNPROTECTED SEX, why becasue I love him and think if a baby is made it is all out of love, and well just a little while ago he went off and became that UGLY CRACK HEAD THAT he has been in the past. I thought things were getting better, I thought he loved me and wanted me and our little guy back together like a family that we should be.

Why why has he picked up and drank and drugged again. Why is he being nasty to me, how is it just earlier he was holding my hand kissing me, being that sweet charming guy I fell inlove with to now just go off on me and call me name the C word of all names????

Why why me?!?!?!?! Do I just end it for real do I go and file for a divorce and move on with my life??????????????? There has been so many men that have hit on me, they have there life together, great jobs, looks personalities. But yet I am wrapped up in my husband wishing an hoping for the best>

What is wrong with me????
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Old 05-18-2005, 05:49 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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rho, it is not you. it is him. he feels really bad about his relapse and is wanting to lay off the guilt and blame onto the nearest person so he doesn't have to deal with it himself. and you are the nearest person. stick to your boundaries and let him deal with his own issues (his relapse). you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. take good care of yourself and your little guy. know that you and yours are in my prayers.
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Old 05-18-2005, 05:57 PM
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Rho
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Long Island, NY
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Thank you...It is sad cause I am crying right now. I get upset with my daughter (she 13) for crying and I always seem to preach "Replace the negative with POSITIVE thoughts & you'll be okay". why can't I do that right now...
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