Codependent Mentally???
Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Codependent Mentally???
Oh my, I have not been around in such a long time. I still love yall! 
Let me reintroduce myself and get those who remember me up to date.
I am a 20 year old college student, attending a prestigious predominantly white university. I am african american and an adult child of an alcoholic. (really several alcoholics and addicted people) I am finishing up my junior year and looking forward to my senior year in college.
I have been separated from my family, practically estranged, since my sophomore year of college. I do not go home very often, the last time I was there it was Christmas...and that was for only two days.
Haven't been home since. Haven't really been involved in anything that is going on back there. Which leads to my purpose of starting this thread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would like to think I am detached and no longer codependent but I think about the situation so much. About how they do not help out with anything, how I cannot rely on them for anything, if anything happened to me I know they will not be there for me, and I am dreading my graduation next year because if they are involved it will be a disaster. All the time I think about them, I keep remembering these awful memories, I keep thinking about the alcoholism.
I keep thinking about the horrible things they did to me, the way they are not there for me, how hard I struggle just to get food. I keep wanting to connect with other people, I want to be nurtured and cared for. I want to have someone to rely on. I desperately want to be loved and I am trying to teach myself to do it.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I felt like I was using him for a crutch and using him to fill this void within myself. I decided to go it single because I know I am still sick mentally and I cant seem to recover. It feels like I have gotten nowhere. I just want to be a normal person. I want to love life, and appreciate life but I just cannot stop thinking about it all. I want to learn to love and nurture myself. I want to be positive, I want to be happy, I want to just recover and be able to say and think, "that was then, this is now, I am blessed" instead of just dwelling on it so much. I have discovered that I have had all of these relationships for the past 4 years to fill this emptiness within me and I also realize that if I dont learn how to fill it myself then any potential lover will be subject to my emptiness and I will want them to take care of me and nurture me. There is nothing wrong with that but the degree to which I need that is too high and I dont want to be codependent with future loves and pull them into my rut, you know?
Thinking, contemplating, questioning, wondering, could I still be codependent? Physically separated but mentally attatched (sp)?
I really want to know what you lovelies think about this. This summer I will be focusing on this and trying not to let these thoughts take over. I am going to be writing in my personal handwritten journal and trying to just get out of this mental rut I am in. Sometimes I just feel like a complete nutcase.
I wish you all love, happiness, and peace. Thank you for reading this.
Let me reintroduce myself and get those who remember me up to date.
I am a 20 year old college student, attending a prestigious predominantly white university. I am african american and an adult child of an alcoholic. (really several alcoholics and addicted people) I am finishing up my junior year and looking forward to my senior year in college.
I have been separated from my family, practically estranged, since my sophomore year of college. I do not go home very often, the last time I was there it was Christmas...and that was for only two days.
Haven't been home since. Haven't really been involved in anything that is going on back there. Which leads to my purpose of starting this thread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would like to think I am detached and no longer codependent but I think about the situation so much. About how they do not help out with anything, how I cannot rely on them for anything, if anything happened to me I know they will not be there for me, and I am dreading my graduation next year because if they are involved it will be a disaster. All the time I think about them, I keep remembering these awful memories, I keep thinking about the alcoholism.
I keep thinking about the horrible things they did to me, the way they are not there for me, how hard I struggle just to get food. I keep wanting to connect with other people, I want to be nurtured and cared for. I want to have someone to rely on. I desperately want to be loved and I am trying to teach myself to do it.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I felt like I was using him for a crutch and using him to fill this void within myself. I decided to go it single because I know I am still sick mentally and I cant seem to recover. It feels like I have gotten nowhere. I just want to be a normal person. I want to love life, and appreciate life but I just cannot stop thinking about it all. I want to learn to love and nurture myself. I want to be positive, I want to be happy, I want to just recover and be able to say and think, "that was then, this is now, I am blessed" instead of just dwelling on it so much. I have discovered that I have had all of these relationships for the past 4 years to fill this emptiness within me and I also realize that if I dont learn how to fill it myself then any potential lover will be subject to my emptiness and I will want them to take care of me and nurture me. There is nothing wrong with that but the degree to which I need that is too high and I dont want to be codependent with future loves and pull them into my rut, you know?
Thinking, contemplating, questioning, wondering, could I still be codependent? Physically separated but mentally attatched (sp)?
I really want to know what you lovelies think about this. This summer I will be focusing on this and trying not to let these thoughts take over. I am going to be writing in my personal handwritten journal and trying to just get out of this mental rut I am in. Sometimes I just feel like a complete nutcase.
I wish you all love, happiness, and peace. Thank you for reading this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Aw, DefofLov, I ache for you.
First, I do hope you are proud. I don't care if you go to school where the other students are white, green or purple, despite all the obstacles you've gotten yourself there and kept yourself there. You've learned a key lesson-education rules. For that alone,
But there's so much more! You're doing an inventory, identifying needs and wants. That's terrific! Look at what you've said:
You know, you've taken a lot of classes. Some I'm sure were very helpful and enlightening. Now how about some "me" classes? Just like some subjects, maybe you need a teacher or series of teachers to learn these things because your list is both human and honorable and you deserve that and so much more! And it may be that the help is required! Not everyone can learn physics or advanced mathmatics from a textbook, they often need a teacher to help them. Life skills are often the same way.
Often times at universities there is counseling available. I firmly suggest you take advantage of that service. Let a guide, a teacher if you will, help you sort these things out! If you're not in al-anon, I urge you to check around your campus to see if there's a meeting. I don't care how white bread the majority of the students are, I assure you, some come from alcoholic homes and very few come from homes where their last names are Cleaver or Huckstable.
Right now, don't worry about relationships. Make friends. Girls, guys and in betweens.
Just people. With some bonds will form and you'll be friends for a lifetime. Surround yourself with those who have positive attitudes, who do not rely of substances, who do not thrive on drama and interact on a friendly level. Love will develop. Maybe not that as-long-as-you-both-shall-live kind of love but the often just as special best friend kind of love.
About graduation. Let them be whoever they are. You are not responsible for their behavior. You don't HAVE to do anything to involve them. Sometimes, sadly, we just have to accept the fact that some poeple are simply toxic to us.
My first thought to this comment was, 'don't we all'! 
We're here for you. Reach out and we'll offer a hand to help you climb out of that rut. Take pride in all your acomplishements, you have every reason to walk tall and hold your head up high. You have a life worth celebrating and one day one you'll share with someone as terrific as you.
It's good to see you here! I hope you'll visit us often...it's so delightful to watch someone bloom!
First, I do hope you are proud. I don't care if you go to school where the other students are white, green or purple, despite all the obstacles you've gotten yourself there and kept yourself there. You've learned a key lesson-education rules. For that alone,
But there's so much more! You're doing an inventory, identifying needs and wants. That's terrific! Look at what you've said:
I keep wanting to connect with other people, I want to be nurtured and cared for. I want to have someone to rely on. I desperately want to be loved and I am trying to teach myself to do it.
Often times at universities there is counseling available. I firmly suggest you take advantage of that service. Let a guide, a teacher if you will, help you sort these things out! If you're not in al-anon, I urge you to check around your campus to see if there's a meeting. I don't care how white bread the majority of the students are, I assure you, some come from alcoholic homes and very few come from homes where their last names are Cleaver or Huckstable.
Right now, don't worry about relationships. Make friends. Girls, guys and in betweens.
Just people. With some bonds will form and you'll be friends for a lifetime. Surround yourself with those who have positive attitudes, who do not rely of substances, who do not thrive on drama and interact on a friendly level. Love will develop. Maybe not that as-long-as-you-both-shall-live kind of love but the often just as special best friend kind of love. About graduation. Let them be whoever they are. You are not responsible for their behavior. You don't HAVE to do anything to involve them. Sometimes, sadly, we just have to accept the fact that some poeple are simply toxic to us.
Sometimes I just feel like a complete nutcase.
We're here for you. Reach out and we'll offer a hand to help you climb out of that rut. Take pride in all your acomplishements, you have every reason to walk tall and hold your head up high. You have a life worth celebrating and one day one you'll share with someone as terrific as you.
It's good to see you here! I hope you'll visit us often...it's so delightful to watch someone bloom!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Nothing to do with alcohol but my famly has it's own problems, enough that I could relate to lots of what you said.
I didn't go to uni until I was 23 but even with those extra years under my belt it was hard to see that stark comparison between the support I didn't get and the support other students seemed to be showered with from their families. All I can say is that sometimes I found that hard.
I'm not really one for big functions so I got round the whole graduation thing by simply not doing it - I got my degree sent to me instead!! It didn't rob me of anything because it wasn't really the sort of thing I'd have enjoyed anyway. If it is the something you really want to do then I reckon it might be worth doing it without them. Whatever happens you definately shouldn't have to 'go through' something you are sure you won't enjoy.
Life after uni was very different, education gets a better wage and with that more independence. I haven't cut my family off but I see them and think about them less and less, what I do is on my terms most of the time with some very occassional concessions.
I think you sound very healthy - you've got yourself there, you're doing it and succeeding alone. To have achieved that I'd bet you're loads healthier than many of the students around you - most of whom will have yet to learn some of the stuff you've mastered. Loving yourself should be a piece of cake!!
Oh and I'd go with what WTL says re making friends your first priority!! I married the best mate I had at uni after losing touch for nearly a decade. Friendship rocks and if you ask me is the best of all loves. I think it's the first one to learn, outlasts so many other loves and I believe teaches me how to make 'couple love' real and durable!
I didn't go to uni until I was 23 but even with those extra years under my belt it was hard to see that stark comparison between the support I didn't get and the support other students seemed to be showered with from their families. All I can say is that sometimes I found that hard.
I'm not really one for big functions so I got round the whole graduation thing by simply not doing it - I got my degree sent to me instead!! It didn't rob me of anything because it wasn't really the sort of thing I'd have enjoyed anyway. If it is the something you really want to do then I reckon it might be worth doing it without them. Whatever happens you definately shouldn't have to 'go through' something you are sure you won't enjoy.
Life after uni was very different, education gets a better wage and with that more independence. I haven't cut my family off but I see them and think about them less and less, what I do is on my terms most of the time with some very occassional concessions.
I think you sound very healthy - you've got yourself there, you're doing it and succeeding alone. To have achieved that I'd bet you're loads healthier than many of the students around you - most of whom will have yet to learn some of the stuff you've mastered. Loving yourself should be a piece of cake!!
Oh and I'd go with what WTL says re making friends your first priority!! I married the best mate I had at uni after losing touch for nearly a decade. Friendship rocks and if you ask me is the best of all loves. I think it's the first one to learn, outlasts so many other loves and I believe teaches me how to make 'couple love' real and durable!
Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Often times at universities there is counseling available. I firmly suggest you take advantage of that service. Let a guide, a teacher if you will, help you sort these things out! If you're not in al-anon, I urge you to check around your campus to see if there's a meeting. I don't care how white bread the majority of the students are, I assure you, some come from alcoholic homes and very few come from homes where their last names are Cleaver or Huckstable.
Right now, don't worry about relationships. Make friends. Girls, guys and in betweens. Just people. With some bonds will form and you'll be friends for a lifetime. Surround yourself with those who have positive attitudes, who do not rely of substances, who do not thrive on drama and interact on a friendly level. Love will develop. Maybe not that as-long-as-you-both-shall-live kind of love but the often just as special best friend kind of love.
We're here for you. Reach out and we'll offer a hand to help you climb out of that rut. Take pride in all your acomplishements, you have every reason to walk tall and hold your head up high. You have a life worth celebrating and one day one you'll share with someone as terrific as you.
It's good to see you here! I hope you'll visit us often...it's so delightful to watch someone bloom!
It's good to see you here! I hope you'll visit us often...it's so delightful to watch someone bloom!
Equus, thank you very much for your response. I will not let them spoil my graduation but I know I will have to see where I am at in my personal growth and how I feel about them during that time. I may end up telling them to not come or I may not go and decide to do something else. I will figure it out when it comes. I decided not to let it take over my thoughts for now.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Welcome back, Dev!
Let me ask....what steps do you take towards your own recovery? Al-anon? Therapy? Support group of some kind?
For me, if what Im doing isnt giving me the results I need, I need to do something else.
Keep coming back!
Let me ask....what steps do you take towards your own recovery? Al-anon? Therapy? Support group of some kind?
For me, if what Im doing isnt giving me the results I need, I need to do something else.
Keep coming back!
Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by FriendofBill
Welcome back, Dev!
Let me ask....what steps do you take towards your own recovery? Al-anon? Therapy? Support group of some kind?
For me, if what Im doing isnt giving me the results I need, I need to do something else.
Keep coming back!
Let me ask....what steps do you take towards your own recovery? Al-anon? Therapy? Support group of some kind?
For me, if what Im doing isnt giving me the results I need, I need to do something else.
Keep coming back!
So, during the semester I do a lot of journaling and do my sessions. Now it is summer and I am staying at school. It is peaceful and quiet, I hope to keep on journeling, reading, and trying to figure it out. My job this summer is low-key so I dont have to worry about work all that much, just get to come here, relax, do what little bit of work is required and go home.
For once in my life, I will be staying with a nurturing family this summer. This really nice lady offered me her house! So, I wont have to worry about rent or groceries, she wants me to stay for free and she wants to nurture me! She has taken me under her wings and it is a nice feelings.
This should be a nice recovery summer.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Dear Def,
Look real hard for alanon meetings. They don't advertise and they can be hard to find. Syracuse is bound to have them if that's where you're going to college.
I do envy the fact that at such a young age, you've learned to become independent
and though tough, self-supporting. The independence didn't come to me until a few years ago (I'm 53) and I wonder if I'll ever be able to become self-supporting.
Your therapy will take you a long way in life. Using the 2 in combination is an amazing experience.
See...your HP sent you someone to fill your void. A time for you to meet new friends and join an extended family. Lucky you.
Look real hard for alanon meetings. They don't advertise and they can be hard to find. Syracuse is bound to have them if that's where you're going to college.
I do envy the fact that at such a young age, you've learned to become independent
and though tough, self-supporting. The independence didn't come to me until a few years ago (I'm 53) and I wonder if I'll ever be able to become self-supporting.
Your therapy will take you a long way in life. Using the 2 in combination is an amazing experience.
For once in my life, I will be staying with a nurturing family this summer. This really nice lady offered me her house! So, I wont have to worry about rent or groceries, she wants me to stay for free and she wants to nurture me! She has taken me under her wings and it is a nice feelings.
Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by gelfling
Dear Def,
Look real hard for alanon meetings. They don't advertise and they can be hard to find. Syracuse is bound to have them if that's where you're going to college.
I do envy the fact that at such a young age, you've learned to become independent
and though tough, self-supporting. The independence didn't come to me until a few years ago (I'm 53) and I wonder if I'll ever be able to become self-supporting.
Your therapy will take you a long way in life. Using the 2 in combination is an amazing experience.
See...your HP sent you someone to fill your void. A time for you to meet new friends and join an extended family. Lucky you.
Look real hard for alanon meetings. They don't advertise and they can be hard to find. Syracuse is bound to have them if that's where you're going to college.
I do envy the fact that at such a young age, you've learned to become independent
and though tough, self-supporting. The independence didn't come to me until a few years ago (I'm 53) and I wonder if I'll ever be able to become self-supporting.
Your therapy will take you a long way in life. Using the 2 in combination is an amazing experience.
See...your HP sent you someone to fill your void. A time for you to meet new friends and join an extended family. Lucky you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 34
I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, especially at such a crucial time. You're doing a great job of taking care of yourself by staying in school and going to counseling. You're already ahead of the game.
Keep your head up, girl. Keep posting.
Keep your head up, girl. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Def -
I think you are amazing! To have such insight at 20 is a wonderful gift. You will go far...Some of your story reminded me of my struggles..
I started going to therapy at 17 because of my family situation. (both parents were ACOA and really messed up!)..I didn't find Alanon until this past year at 36 but I consider everything I did from 17 to now as part of my recovery. Many self help books, many therapists and a wonderful life coach.
I pretty much moved out of my house at 18 (except for 1 stint at home for a summer but my mom threw me out) and at 21 moved to NYC with nothing and I mean nothing..
I have been very fortunate that my higher power gave me the gift of many people who love me and for me to love.. Still working on my codependent issues in my love relationships (still going for those A's)..but today I'm single and truely happy..
My 20s were a rough time in general for me but my 30's are much better and I think my 40's will be truely amazing..
I have a really great relationship today with my father (whom I didn't talk to for a few years in my 20's)..I have forgiven him for the abuse and I can talk to him honestly..he is still in a lot of pain and some denial but I love him because he is my father..
I am trying to repair my relationship with my mother..we stopped talking 9 years ago and I've only seen her twice in those 9 years..Through enough recovery and Alanon I'm taking responsibility for my part and working on forgiving her and myself..
I admire you for your honesty (to your self), your willingness and your ability to take care of yourself..I'm sure you've read "Codependent No More" but I like to reread it over and over again..I'm working hard at my codependent recovery..seems like it is ingrained..That's wonderful you have some one to nuture you this summer..That will be a wonderful relationship to have in your life. I have 2 "moms" that are not my biological mother..One is my great aunt and another is a friend's mother..
Have you thought about starting an Alanon meeting? I bet you could call the NY AlAnon office and see if you could find someone willing to drive to Hamilton once a week to start one..I also bet there would be lots of people on campus that need it!
Anyway, keep doing what you are doing!
minx
I think you are amazing! To have such insight at 20 is a wonderful gift. You will go far...Some of your story reminded me of my struggles..
I started going to therapy at 17 because of my family situation. (both parents were ACOA and really messed up!)..I didn't find Alanon until this past year at 36 but I consider everything I did from 17 to now as part of my recovery. Many self help books, many therapists and a wonderful life coach.
I pretty much moved out of my house at 18 (except for 1 stint at home for a summer but my mom threw me out) and at 21 moved to NYC with nothing and I mean nothing..
I have been very fortunate that my higher power gave me the gift of many people who love me and for me to love.. Still working on my codependent issues in my love relationships (still going for those A's)..but today I'm single and truely happy..
My 20s were a rough time in general for me but my 30's are much better and I think my 40's will be truely amazing..
I have a really great relationship today with my father (whom I didn't talk to for a few years in my 20's)..I have forgiven him for the abuse and I can talk to him honestly..he is still in a lot of pain and some denial but I love him because he is my father..
I am trying to repair my relationship with my mother..we stopped talking 9 years ago and I've only seen her twice in those 9 years..Through enough recovery and Alanon I'm taking responsibility for my part and working on forgiving her and myself..
I admire you for your honesty (to your self), your willingness and your ability to take care of yourself..I'm sure you've read "Codependent No More" but I like to reread it over and over again..I'm working hard at my codependent recovery..seems like it is ingrained..That's wonderful you have some one to nuture you this summer..That will be a wonderful relationship to have in your life. I have 2 "moms" that are not my biological mother..One is my great aunt and another is a friend's mother..
Have you thought about starting an Alanon meeting? I bet you could call the NY AlAnon office and see if you could find someone willing to drive to Hamilton once a week to start one..I also bet there would be lots of people on campus that need it!
Anyway, keep doing what you are doing!
minx
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