sassygal

last night my AH of 18 years had to go through my sister to tell me that he is 100 percent sure he wants a divorce, no separation period - just file the divorce (which does have a 6-month mandatory waiting period before becoming finalized). He still wants to remain on friendly terms and told her we were "best friends" for over 20 years - but he is tired of the insanity. He said we keep going in circles and it is time for us to move on. He finally quits drinking, but refuses to get help for any of our other problems. I'm so tired of feeling so sad, angry and lonesome - I have a 15 year-old daughter who is also tired of seeing me this way too. I'm really trying to focus on myself, but feel so hopeless. Please keep me in your prayers today and maybe some of these feelings will be lifted.

GettingBy

((((Sassygal)))),

What is that makes you happy? What do you like? Is it going shopping? Getting your nails/hair done? Reading a book? Going for a walk? Just for today... do something JUST for you! Something that you wouldn't ordinarily indulge in. Today is the day that you put yourself first. HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired?! That means you to stop what you're doing and address YOUR needs!

It takes time to learn (or re-learn) how to make yourself a priority so be patient... and most of all, be gentle with yourself. I will definetely keep you in my prayers!

Peace be with you,
Shannon

gelfling

((((((((((((((Sassy)))))))))))))))

Get an attorney. Let him go. 20 years???? well, that should give you grounds for spousal support...Alimony. Use your head and gut and not your heart. He's a dry-drunk and not working a program. Getting him to seek help for marital problems will probably be impossible if he won't work some sort of sober recovery program. It seems to work hand-in-hand. Stopping the booze is such a small part of it all.

You still have your daughter.

CodeMaster

Sounds like a dry drunk, its always even harder when they stop drinking... they have a long way to go in a lot of ways.... if he wants to go, let him go, start a new life for yourself. Meanwhile, he has to spend quite a bit of time from this precious short life to just stop using and get his brain to function properly again (thats an if).

There isnt anything you can to do help either, which always blows us codies away.

Maybe time to let go... let God (or I always say, Destiny).

sassygal

Yes, he is a dry drunk. I did talk with an attorney and he isn't fighting the fact that he will have to pay child support and spousal support. I just need to learn how to let go and quit thinking about him all of the time. I am a nervous wreck and it just sucks that I will not have my "dreams" of growing old with him - because in spite of all of the bad things, we did have great times and memories. I need to quit being such a codie!!

crystal-red678

Good afternoon Sassygal:
I hate to hear about your relationship problems with your husband. It is always a struggle to either let go or try to fix a marriage. I do not know if he has been an alcoholic your whole 20 years but if he has then that could be part of the problem here. For one it is never any one person's fault a relationship has problems. For second if he was an alcoholic when you married him then he might not have been making decision very good or correctly. For third, when a person gets sober they start to look at all things differently and may want to change most things. I'm not saying he has not done wrong things, or that the children of your marriage is not his responsiblity, what I am saying is try very hard to think through your 20 years together from his point of view. Maybe that way you will understand why he feels this way now.
As for yourself you will have to go through a grieving process, there is no two ways about it. Look under grieving and see what the steps and symptoms are and take time to feel those emotions. Time is a great healer and time really does heal most things. You will always love your husband and he will always love you too, but if it comes to divorce be secure in the knowledge that you have been as open, honest about everything, giving, as you can be. That way your conscience is clear and when the time comes you will be able to move on. Right now take care of yourself and your children. Go out and do simple stuff that if fun to you, when your ready and not before. Don't try and keep up with anybody else's time table for when you should feel better. Hope some of this helps.

gelfling

Sassy,,,there are others you can grow old with. Someone who will love you and your daughter. And hopefully, with your continued growth, the next time you'll know what will be good for the two of you instead of falling back into another sad relationship.

Chin up dear heart. It will get better.

Blessings

jojo

Sassy -

It is always painful when any relationship ends. We all feel a sense of failure and loss. It is so hard to let go of the dreams we have had but sometimes it is necessary. You now have an opportunity to develop new dreams - dreams that will actually make you happy. Start with something that you have always wanted to do. Is there something that you have always wanted to try or be that for some reason you never pursued? Now is the time. You will be developing a new relationship with your daughter and friends. Take advantage of your new life and try and let go of the pain of the old one. There will be a new happy life for you. Start by putting one foot in front of the other with a smile on your face and each step will become easier.

Hugs, Jo

sunshinebluesky

yes, i believe it is a grieving process. 18 years is a very long time. and when one is more willing to give up, the other certainly feels the pain.but he may be right--for both of you-that circle thing is just not good. no one can expect you, and you cant expect yourself, to just get over it "like that". i think you have to allow yourself your bad days along with your good. expect them,and just kind of go with them. while in the meantime,doing things that make you feel some happiness and contentment. if you can remain civil with each other about things, that is a great plus. but no matter how hard we try, the beginning of the end is a very trying time in many ways. it does get better. it will get better.God bless.

myselfagain

If he is a dry drunk he will most likely go back to drinking. My EXAH was a dry drunk(may still be or is drinking again). I disliked him more as a dry drunk than when he drank. I told him we were divorcing and he went sober the next day. Then I had to live with this dry drunk until I finally got him to move out 6 months later. It is not something that you want to live with. I am sure you do not want to go back to the way it was when he was drinking.
Life after divorce can be wonderful. There is so much peace around my home now. No one has to wonder where he is going to pass out or if he is going to pass out while he is cooking and fill the house with smoke. No more bathtubs running over because he left the water running and passed out.
And the best part of all, I didnt pick up any extras chores around the house when he moved out because I already did them ALL.
Make a list............... What are you really going to miss about him????????

P.S. I was married to mine for 20 years also.
Take care

sassygal

Thanks for the note Myself and yes, I do think he may go back to drinking (which will be his choice). But I have dealt with that for 18 years and right now I am thinking I can handle that choice better than the one I am having to handle now. When he was drunk, for the most part all I had to handle was the embarrassment, rudeness and rage, but he'd normally pass out and sleep it off. I did have to do extra chores, but I guess I didn't mind because I was his wife. You said to make a list of all of the things I would miss about him well, my list is pretty long and that is what is driving me crazy. I will miss his hugs, kisses and laughter; the talking; fishing so often like we did together; the trips we took together as a family - 2 cruises, Niagara Falls, Disneyworld twice, Las Vegas twice, Canada, etc.; the sex; working out in the yard together; playing cards with friends; BBQ's - my list is so long and it is only making me feel worse. We really spent all of our spare time together and I really did enjoy our times. Now, he has decided the few problems we do have he cannot live with since he is no longer drinking and I am supposed to start my new life at age 44 when all of my friends and family are married and have significant others. Life really isn't fair!!

jojo

The list you need to make is one with all the things that you won't miss. Thinking about the good parts will only make it harder for you. Dealing with reality can be really really hard but if you can find a way to look at the positives in your changed life it can start you on a more positive path. Hope you start to feel better.

Hugs, Jo

crystal-red678

I certainly agree with JOJO making a list of all the things you will not miss is a better list to make at this time in the relationship. This does not mean you hate him or anything like that, it just gives you some thoughts on what is not so great about him. Believe me when you really put some truth into the list it might surpise you how many things you do dislike about him. Any way right now your feeling very down on yourself and when someone rejects you it only makes you think about what is wrong with yourself. Also make a list of what is good about you. And don't even tell me there is nothing because we know there is lots of good things about you. Even look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you like about your looks. This is scary I know but if you see more things you don't like than things you do like then right all that down too and start with one thing at a time and change it. Whether it be hair color, different color lipstick, or different hairstyle, Add more earrings or different clothes, add weight, or lose it, work out with weights and add muscle or tan your body(a little bit). Do something to make you feel better about you!! Really that is all you need to make you happy is yourself. It does not matter what someone else's opinion. Yes we all like people to like and approve of us and what we do or what we look like. But in the end it only matters if you like yourself and God approves. Hang tight!!

walkingtheline

Do you remember this post?
You speak so clearly about his "dark side"
Of course after so many years you'll have good memories, but reread some of the things you've said, and this post really struck me about how he treated your daughter...is THIS what you want her to accept as "normal"?

He's seeking no treatment you said...so you have no reason to believe that the things that were so hurtful will change.

I am so sorry you are hurting and with such a long history, it's understandable. But there is a big beautiful world out there and I hope you find a way to become a part of it! 44 is a GREAT age - what a wonderful "second half" you can enjoy!

sassygal

Thanks guys and especially Walkingtheline - I really needed that reminder and that is one of the bad things I will not miss about him - his controlling, temper and rage for the stupidest things, and the way he treats my daughter. He just so happened to come by this morning to pick up an extra futon bed (which he said will be for my daughter when she goes over) and we did of course talk. I did become angry this morning and think I handled myself better than I usually do. Yesterday, my daughter rode home from school with a friend who just received her license and he happened to call me at the time I normally pick her up from school. I told him she was riding home with her friend, so he asked for her to call him when she got home. She did call and he asked her what took her so long to get home (30 mins.). She told him they had to walk a far distance to the car, had to wait for everyone to get out of the parking lot and then they drove through a Burger King which is right near the school (which I knew they were going to do, but didn't really feel like I needed to tell him everything). Of course, he started to get angry because I told him they were coming straight home and she tried to explain to him that I must have just didn't think it was important, but he still had the same old "controlling and anger" feelings he has always had. It did make her sad and after she got off the phone, she told me that is why she always feels like she cannot tell him anything. He blows up for the littliest things and makes her feel so bad for doing normal teenage things. This morning when he mentioned the situation, he of course told me this is why we are getting the divorce is because I never took control of my daughter, but I did stick up for myself and said "she wasn't doing anything wrong, I knew where she was, etc." and he said this is what he has had to deal with for years - me always thinking she is never going to drink, run with the wrong crowd, etc., etc. - he never sees himself as being "too controlling" to the point of making her life miserable and that she will eventually run and do those things if we do not give her a little trust. Am I wrong for feeling that way? I feel like she tells me pretty much everything, and I want her to be able to talk to me and feel normal.

Cynay

*hugs*

I have a teenage daughter, and we are closer then most of her friends are with their parents.... My view is this.

We can guide them, but at this age they need to have some of that freedom. Trying to "control" a teenager is alot like trying to control an A.... not going to happen. Hopefully if we have gotten through to them while they are growing up, they will remember this and make decisions accordingly, they will also make mistakes... that is how they learn.

I dont think giving them bits of freedom is bad at all, I think you are doing a wonderful job in giving her more of what she will need as an adult.... responsibility. You A just cant control it and so he has to take it out on someone.... but we should not be controling, but lovingly guiding.

Hang in there

walkingtheline

I raised three daughters and a son.

What he needs to realize is children will often meet your expectations!
Particularly during the teen years when hormones are raging, all the mental growth is happening...and they are going thru the natural process of separating from their parents and growing into adults.

If we expect them to behave and to act responsibly--if we stay connected to them, praise their good behaviors and stay connected with them and their lives they can usually SOAR! But the reverse is often true. If they hear "you're not trustworthy", "you're going to do this or that" and that sort of negative messages...all too often in their mental gymnastics they think, 'okay, if that what you think, I'll show you how bad I can be!'

Personally, I think you are doing marvelously.