This is scary
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 12
This is scary
I am a new member and I'll have to say that reading the posts really makes me scared. I'm pretty sure my new husband is an alcoholic. We just got married last March. I hate to see all the posts about leaving...will it really come to that? I knew when I married him that he drank, and occasionally A LOT, but it didn't seem like something that was out of control. Then, he lost his job and has had to work "menial" (he thinks they are beneath him) jobs from a temp agency and two weeks ago he was arrested for OMVI. I knew that he had had trouble with drinking before (he has a 12 step book in his drawer) but I guess I didn't realize what it would do to him and to us. Now he lies to me and drives his car (with a suspended license) to go buy wine with money we don't have (he has somehow found a credit card- I tried to hide them). I just want things to get better, I don't want to leave him!
Any advice?
Any advice?
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: California
Posts: 2
I understand!
Really you cannot make him get help! He must help himself and admit he has a problem! You in the meantime can start going to Al-Anon meeting in your area or I am doing it online.They really help and will not judge you!! Is he viloent when he is drinkning?? IF so LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!! Do NOT argue and jule let him him be! He will EVENTUALLY pass out!!! Email me anytime! [email protected]
That is my IM also for hotmail!!
That is my IM also for hotmail!!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome Glow Worm,
Try not to get ahead of yourself...he obviously has a drinking problem of some sort if he has a 12 step book. Or he is considering whether he does or not...good for him! Can you ask him about it at a good time?
You really cannot make him stop doing what he chooses to do. But you can find a 12 step program of your own. I always recommend face to face meetings whenever possible. They saved my life. My husband drinks too much but the main reason I entered Al Anon is because of my son. I am still with my husband and because of the 12 steps I am happy and have peace in my life even tho the ones I love overindulge. You don't have to go anywhere....but before you start all the codependent crazies you may want to check out some help for YOU. It IS possible to stay married...I know many woman who are married to active drinkers and are very happy ladies. But we do have to let go of the need to control their behavior. They are adults and have choices. We DON"T however have to clean up their messes.
Hugs,
JT
Try not to get ahead of yourself...he obviously has a drinking problem of some sort if he has a 12 step book. Or he is considering whether he does or not...good for him! Can you ask him about it at a good time?
You really cannot make him stop doing what he chooses to do. But you can find a 12 step program of your own. I always recommend face to face meetings whenever possible. They saved my life. My husband drinks too much but the main reason I entered Al Anon is because of my son. I am still with my husband and because of the 12 steps I am happy and have peace in my life even tho the ones I love overindulge. You don't have to go anywhere....but before you start all the codependent crazies you may want to check out some help for YOU. It IS possible to stay married...I know many woman who are married to active drinkers and are very happy ladies. But we do have to let go of the need to control their behavior. They are adults and have choices. We DON"T however have to clean up their messes.
Hugs,
JT
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: indiana
Posts: 25
I'm not too active on the board anymore, because I've been so busy. But your post touched me, because like you, I didn't want to leave my husband, I wanted him (and me, with my codependent issues) to get better. Like you, I was disheartened to see all the broken relationships--but I found so much encouragement, wisdom and support here, and in a local Al Anon group. Keep coming back.
My story--I made a desperate move last July, consulted a lawyer and chose the option of separating our assets. I didn't have to actually go through with it. I told him, "This is how it's going to be until you get better." He went straight to a local alc. counselor and started with his meetings immediately. Since then, he's attended one or more meetings a day and loves his program. He's his best self right now, and so am I.
I should add that we were fortunate he didn't have detox issues, which I understand can be dangerous and should have medical supervision.
A couple of things to read, right away: UNDER THE INFLUENCE by James Milam (very instructive and my husband read it and learned a lot) and GETTING THEM SOBER by Toby Drews.
Take care of yourself, look into local resources and hang in there.
marie
My story--I made a desperate move last July, consulted a lawyer and chose the option of separating our assets. I didn't have to actually go through with it. I told him, "This is how it's going to be until you get better." He went straight to a local alc. counselor and started with his meetings immediately. Since then, he's attended one or more meetings a day and loves his program. He's his best self right now, and so am I.
I should add that we were fortunate he didn't have detox issues, which I understand can be dangerous and should have medical supervision.
A couple of things to read, right away: UNDER THE INFLUENCE by James Milam (very instructive and my husband read it and learned a lot) and GETTING THEM SOBER by Toby Drews.
Take care of yourself, look into local resources and hang in there.
marie
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Glow Worm,
I can't add to what the others said, but just wanted to welcome you to the forum.
You aren't the first new person who has been overwhelmed by reading the posts. They won't bother you so much when you get to know us better.
We have a lot of fun together too.
Hugs,
MG
I can't add to what the others said, but just wanted to welcome you to the forum.
You aren't the first new person who has been overwhelmed by reading the posts. They won't bother you so much when you get to know us better.
We have a lot of fun together too.
Hugs,
MG
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Welcome Glow Worm!
I am glad you are here. This is a wonderful place filled with good people. You dont have to do anything special to "belong" here - just show up!
The best thing that you can do for yourself is to find a meeting or support group of some kind. It will help you thru the rough times, and I expect you are going to have some.
Keep coming back!
O59
I am glad you are here. This is a wonderful place filled with good people. You dont have to do anything special to "belong" here - just show up!
The best thing that you can do for yourself is to find a meeting or support group of some kind. It will help you thru the rough times, and I expect you are going to have some.
Keep coming back!
O59
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Welcome Glow Worm!
You have been given great advice, which is always the case here. Just wanted to add, if you don't want to leave your husband, then find a way to live with him without losing yourself and your sanity. Attend Al-anon meetings, read books (check out the Soberrecovery book club sticky at the top of this forum), read the Addictive Personality sticky. Find out everything you can so you can be well informed. Your husband has to figure out for himself what to do about his problem. You have to figure out what's right for you.
My husband is an addict, currently in recovery. We've been married two years. I found out about his addiction shortly after we got engaged - he was actively using then and trying to hide it from me. It never occurred to me to leave him, even when things were awful. When we got married he had only been clean for 6 weeks. I don't regret staying. I also don't expect him to never use again, as much as I'd like him not to. So, since I'm not planning on leaving, I had to find a way to lessen the insanity and focus on saving MYSELF! Whether or not my husband stays clean, I have to keep focusing on me.
"Codependent No More" is an excellent book. It has enlightened me about my issues and taught me about detaching and becoming independent.
Keep coming back - there's a lot of support and understanding here!
You have been given great advice, which is always the case here. Just wanted to add, if you don't want to leave your husband, then find a way to live with him without losing yourself and your sanity. Attend Al-anon meetings, read books (check out the Soberrecovery book club sticky at the top of this forum), read the Addictive Personality sticky. Find out everything you can so you can be well informed. Your husband has to figure out for himself what to do about his problem. You have to figure out what's right for you.
My husband is an addict, currently in recovery. We've been married two years. I found out about his addiction shortly after we got engaged - he was actively using then and trying to hide it from me. It never occurred to me to leave him, even when things were awful. When we got married he had only been clean for 6 weeks. I don't regret staying. I also don't expect him to never use again, as much as I'd like him not to. So, since I'm not planning on leaving, I had to find a way to lessen the insanity and focus on saving MYSELF! Whether or not my husband stays clean, I have to keep focusing on me.
"Codependent No More" is an excellent book. It has enlightened me about my issues and taught me about detaching and becoming independent.
Keep coming back - there's a lot of support and understanding here!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Hi, I just wanted to say welcome and acknowledge that it is scary. When I started to understand the problem of alcoholism I realized how big and powerful it was. That scared me. But with the help of the folks and face to face meetings I am doing ok and learning a lot. Keep coming back here, it helps so much. Welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 12
Thank you!
Thanks to everyone that responded to my post. It is truly amazing to feel so comforted by words written all over North America. I am going to try to ease into this. I'm not sure I'm ready yet for a face to face meeting but I will track down the books that were recommended and I will keep coming back here.
On another positive note, my husband called me at work today and told me he is checking out group therapy (he was referred by a counselor he was seeing).
Its hard to "be strong" all the time and I know in my head I don't have to but it is really good to hear it again from others who have been there. Co-dependency was such a dirty word when I was growing up its hard to admit that I might be acting just like that!
Thanks again everyone. I'll let you know how things go....
:wink2:
On another positive note, my husband called me at work today and told me he is checking out group therapy (he was referred by a counselor he was seeing).
Its hard to "be strong" all the time and I know in my head I don't have to but it is really good to hear it again from others who have been there. Co-dependency was such a dirty word when I was growing up its hard to admit that I might be acting just like that!
Thanks again everyone. I'll let you know how things go....
:wink2:
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: indiana
Posts: 25
Oh, good, you came back. In my small gossip mill of a town, where I am a slightly public figure, I never pictured myself walking into a meeting, but I did it and have never regretted it. Yes, I felt nervous, yes, I cried, but I found nothing but quiet acceptance and support there.
My husband's reaction to his AA group was NOT "love at first sight." In fact, the first one rejected him--turned out it was women only! That was 10am. He went back at noon and found a group and was NOT impressed. He described them as a bunch of DUI cases attending due to court order, and felt he had NOTHING in common with them. But for some reason (he doesn't share a lot of this so I'm guessing) something must have resonated with him, and he went back...again and again, until it became his routine.
So be patient with yourself and with this illness. It didn't develop overnight and won't be solved that way, but each step toward recovery is a step along the journey.
marie
My husband's reaction to his AA group was NOT "love at first sight." In fact, the first one rejected him--turned out it was women only! That was 10am. He went back at noon and found a group and was NOT impressed. He described them as a bunch of DUI cases attending due to court order, and felt he had NOTHING in common with them. But for some reason (he doesn't share a lot of this so I'm guessing) something must have resonated with him, and he went back...again and again, until it became his routine.
So be patient with yourself and with this illness. It didn't develop overnight and won't be solved that way, but each step toward recovery is a step along the journey.
marie
Fantastic Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
Welcome Glow Worm..............
Yes, our posts can really be scarey!
Marie is lucky to have such a great story. I am sooooooooooo happy for her. But I think you have to prepare yourself for what might not come. I am on A number two and divorce number two...it is not fun it is pure hell. If you are having all of the thoughts it is time for you to really educate YOURSELF so you know what is the right thing is for you to do.
I wish you the very best
Love Kitty
Yes, our posts can really be scarey!
Marie is lucky to have such a great story. I am sooooooooooo happy for her. But I think you have to prepare yourself for what might not come. I am on A number two and divorce number two...it is not fun it is pure hell. If you are having all of the thoughts it is time for you to really educate YOURSELF so you know what is the right thing is for you to do.I wish you the very best
Love Kitty
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Glow,
I am there with kitty, 2 yrs divorced from my 2nd A. It's not always fun and it's not easy, and I certainly never imagined myself here. But for the first time in my life, I am learning about ME as I work my program. It might be time for you to detach a bit and learn about what YOU like and don't like in the world. I had to figure out what movies I liked, even what food and restaurants! I had spent my life acquiescing to another's wishes and desires and cravings. Its a bit scary at first, but you'll come to like it in your own time!
Good luck to you. Look forward to hearing more from you.
I am there with kitty, 2 yrs divorced from my 2nd A. It's not always fun and it's not easy, and I certainly never imagined myself here. But for the first time in my life, I am learning about ME as I work my program. It might be time for you to detach a bit and learn about what YOU like and don't like in the world. I had to figure out what movies I liked, even what food and restaurants! I had spent my life acquiescing to another's wishes and desires and cravings. Its a bit scary at first, but you'll come to like it in your own time!
Good luck to you. Look forward to hearing more from you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: California
Posts: 24
Welcome, welcome;
Hi Glow worm;
It is so nice to have another member to the family. One thing I have learned from Al-anon and this site is that I have a very large family that is here anytime I need to talk or share or laugh or cry. It feels so good compared to all the years that I felt totally alone. You will hear your own story and know that you are not alone. I also do both, attend Al-anon and come here several times a week and I am so greatful for all that I hear. We are here and welcome you with open arms.
:council: MonicaR
It is so nice to have another member to the family. One thing I have learned from Al-anon and this site is that I have a very large family that is here anytime I need to talk or share or laugh or cry. It feels so good compared to all the years that I felt totally alone. You will hear your own story and know that you are not alone. I also do both, attend Al-anon and come here several times a week and I am so greatful for all that I hear. We are here and welcome you with open arms.
:council: MonicaR
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
