FriendofBill

<HR style="COLOR: #d1d1e1" SIZE=1>(I posted this in "Alcoholism" forum first, but Id also like to get some family member input too) <!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->

Hi all,

It's a recovering al-anon here, sneaking over to your forum to ask:

Are these the only 2 feelings a dry-drunk or active Alcoholic can emote?

When I am as kind and loving as possible about feelings/issues with the dry-A, all he can do is respond with silence or ignore me. We can talk at depth about the weather, sports, TV, work, but when it comes to important family/emotional issues the response is indifference. Next day, its as if nothing was ever said, pretense as if it didnt occur.

The flip side, however, is when I had to take a legal step in family court to ensure child support, he reactly wildly angry. I advised him in advance it was to occur, as he refused to negotiate privately, dont think he believed it til was notifed, then became threatening and vindictive.

It seems when it affects his potential financial situation, he certainly can show angry emotions.

May I ask for your ES&H as it applies here? Thank you
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Cynay

My ex-ABF NEVER wanted to talk about the issues... he use to tell me "I think too much" and Im too serious .... why cant I just relax and have fun.

That is all he wants in life, fun, no responsibility, no pressure, I feel like he goes to AA and gets his toes wet, but does not feel the depth of anything unless it is thrown in his face and he is made to see it. Im not sure what is up with this... if there are Huge issues in my life its hard to relax till they are delt with.

Mine had the opposite, if there was a problem he either RAN or IGNORED.....

Minx1969

Ditto!! Maybe that's why we broke up so many times..I accept responsibility for taking him back though!!

fingerscrossed

My ABF was AVOIDANT. I am convinced that is why he drinks--to avoid dealing with life as everyone does. He is above everyone else, and yet he has nothing to show for it--the years of burying your head in the sand doesn't get you places.

FriendofBill

Thanks friends, glad to know I am NOT alone in this. Feels good to hear your words. I guess its just another symptom of the disease. I shouldnt be surprised, should I. Its just rubbing my tender spot today, is all.

I too am from the "Lets address it and get it resolved" school. I think I will practice a hugs amount of detachment along with a healthy does of acceptance. *Sigh*...

luvmyfurbabies

My AH never talks about his feelings, then again he never even raises his voice. He just avoids it. Won't talk about it like if it's not spoken it can't be felt. It used to drive me crazy early in our relationship but now I just accept that it's just the way he is. His mother warned me that he's a very quiet person. He drinks every day but never gets falling down drunk, just the red eye, swaying buzz. I know he probably has hundreds of emotions running through his head but he never lets them out.

equus

Any group of human beings will react differently from each other. I wonder sometimes if people don't just find what they look for?

As a child I was loved and cared for by old men some of whom had drank their way into homelessness, some of whom later died, some of whom had once drank then stopped, some of whom wound up there for reasons that had nothing to do with alcohol.

The child they cared for grew up and never forgot - I know through my heart and soul they are as human as anyone, being blind to that is a great loss, seeing it gave a kid the courage to follow dreams and taught me the largest portion of what I know about dignity, love, honour, and caring.

Of course even as a child I avoided nasty people like the plague so the people I did know and love were kind of 'selected'. I just remember that included it's fair share of drinkers!

bahookie

this rings a few bells for me, that's for sure. I think lust has to be in there too though.

I'm sure loads of As are gorgeous people and react in ways we would find sweet and reasonable, but I have to mention that without exception everyone my A knows thinks that about her. Living with someone brings things out that noone else ever sees.

Remember that zero tolerance ad? George Jones singing "behind closed doors"? That rang a few bells with me too.

GettingBy

For my AH, his reactions to a "serious topic" are usually in this order:

1) He gets extremelly defensive and feels like he's completely at fault for whatever issue is being brought up. It doesn't matter if I'm telling him that I'm unhappy with my job, myself, etc, he tends to assume blame for everything even the things that aren't his. I find that I have to have ALOT of patience so that I can calmly get him to understand that he's NOT on trial!! Otherwise, the conversation at this point could escalate to an all-out brawl!!

2) Once I do get him calmed down and listening to what I'm saying, he tends to clam up and needs some time to thing things through. This part is critical. I HAVE to give him the time he needs, or else he gets really aggrevated.

3) Having said all that I need to, and then given him some time to think, I do have to go back and readdress it with him so that I can get the resolution that I need. Usually he'd like things to just go away, but that's not how I operate.

For me, I guess it all comes down to respecting each others style of communication. I like to address things head-on, get it out in the open and deal with it. He tends to take things really personally and needs time to deal with things on his own. So we compromise and find a happy middle ground that works for both of us.

I don't know if that helps or not... but it's what I thought of when I read your thread.

Shannon