Defending the A in your life.
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Join Date: May 2004
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Defending the A in your life.
How many of you still do this?
It had been pointed out to me a long time ago that I will defend the A in my life (my AH) even when I shouldn't. However, I always blew it off as I always try to be fair. I think I take the blame for a lot of things that I shouldn't in my effort to defend him.
I broke down in front of my Dad yesterday and sobbed for a good hour and a half. This is something I have NEVER done! He asked me what was going on and told me to let it out, I fought it at first, and then the words just poured out. And even then, I found myself defending my husband - even when I didn't have too, even when I shouldn't have, etc.
Just makes me curious how much, if at all, you defend the A in your life - even when you know you shouldn't?
It had been pointed out to me a long time ago that I will defend the A in my life (my AH) even when I shouldn't. However, I always blew it off as I always try to be fair. I think I take the blame for a lot of things that I shouldn't in my effort to defend him.
I broke down in front of my Dad yesterday and sobbed for a good hour and a half. This is something I have NEVER done! He asked me what was going on and told me to let it out, I fought it at first, and then the words just poured out. And even then, I found myself defending my husband - even when I didn't have too, even when I shouldn't have, etc.
Just makes me curious how much, if at all, you defend the A in your life - even when you know you shouldn't?
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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I use too all the time. I think its normal to defend when you love someone.
But as you get healthier you will find that you are more honest and dont take on the protection role as much. Just focus on you sweetie and let him deal with his problems.
But as you get healthier you will find that you are more honest and dont take on the protection role as much. Just focus on you sweetie and let him deal with his problems.
JUST DO IT!!
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Isn't Life Wonderful
Life Is Whatever You Want It Too Be Once You Have Been Set Free, Free From The Disease That Is Waiting For You And For Me.
So All We Need To Do Is The Deal And Make Sure That We Are In The Circle Not Outside Of It. Glad To We All Don't Have To Drink Or Use Today
So All We Need To Do Is The Deal And Make Sure That We Are In The Circle Not Outside Of It. Glad To We All Don't Have To Drink Or Use Today
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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Oh, totally! Like the whole time I was dating him, and my mom and my brother both telling me they thought he had a drinking problem - it was lost on me, and I told them they were crazy!
I think there's a tendancy for us to try and separate the alcoholic from the person we love - like, it's not them hurting us - they wouldn't be like that except for their disease, right? I'm not sure - maybe so, maybe not.
Sorry, I guess this isn't very helpful! I understand where you're coming from though....
I think there's a tendancy for us to try and separate the alcoholic from the person we love - like, it's not them hurting us - they wouldn't be like that except for their disease, right? I'm not sure - maybe so, maybe not.
Sorry, I guess this isn't very helpful! I understand where you're coming from though....
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
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The question I ask myself is...
is it defending or is it minimizing?
We defend those we think are being attacked...we minimize when we attempt to make a truth smaller or less significant.
I you say to me the ABF is an alcoholic...or refer to him that way, I nod in agreement. If you say, "he's an alcoholic and probably a thief", I would defend to a point. I believe he has stolen time and attention he did not deserve, but I honestly believe he'd never steal in the true sense of the word.
is it defending or is it minimizing?
We defend those we think are being attacked...we minimize when we attempt to make a truth smaller or less significant.
I you say to me the ABF is an alcoholic...or refer to him that way, I nod in agreement. If you say, "he's an alcoholic and probably a thief", I would defend to a point. I believe he has stolen time and attention he did not deserve, but I honestly believe he'd never steal in the true sense of the word.
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We've discussed here before how we justify things. We feel the need to have our feelings validated. In this kind of sense, is where I tend to start defending AH. I may say something about him - but I don't want others to say negative things about him. Also, I do try to be fair and have learned that standing up and admitting my fault in the relationship is part of the process. But I sometimes feel that by doing that and admitting my part in the problems, I then am just validating his feelings, his thoughts, etc. so much so that I am in effect blaming myself for everything. Therefore, I defend him.
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very perceptive description of the "Dance of Disease, StandingStrong. YOu hit the nail on the head.
So, today instead of defending people, I prefer to let God do that. I dont need to change peoples perception of the alcholic, I just need to take care of me, and keep my side of the street clean.
Defending him just keeps me in denial. Not gonna do that anymore. He is what he is, he has doen what hes done and I am no longer going to cover that up. Thats his job if he so chooses.
So, today instead of defending people, I prefer to let God do that. I dont need to change peoples perception of the alcholic, I just need to take care of me, and keep my side of the street clean.
Defending him just keeps me in denial. Not gonna do that anymore. He is what he is, he has doen what hes done and I am no longer going to cover that up. Thats his job if he so chooses.
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yes, I know what exactly what you mean, standing strong, and definitely have felt like this -
ggnewme wrote:
I think there's a tendancy for us to try and separate the alcoholic from the person we love - like, it's not them hurting us - they wouldn't be like that except for their disease, right?
and am trying to remember this -
cynay wrote:
But as you get healthier you will find that you are more honest and dont take on the protection role as much. Just focus on you sweetie and let him deal with his problems.
friend of bill wrote:
very perceptive description of the "Dance of Disease, StandingStrong. YOu hit the nail on the head. So, today instead of defending people, I prefer to let God do that. I dont need to change peoples perception of the alcholic, I just need to take care of me, and keep my side of the street clean. Defending him just keeps me in denial. Not gonna do that anymore. He is what he is, he has doen what hes done and I am no longer going to cover that up. Thats his job if he so chooses.
I too try to be fair as you described, try taking accountability for what i think i should, get confused etc.
I think when I get the most bothered is when someone who has NOT been in this situation, in effect has never been "attached" to it as we all have - when they say something it bothers me. This is why I don't talk to other people about it, it's so frustrating when I hear people talk about drug addicts and drunks, in such a detached way - i mean it's great they're not attached to it, but they DO NOT know....what they think they know. And it gets to me. They don't realize so I try to remember that. But oh sometimes...anyway that's why it's good to come here and to Alanon or Naranon. There you can talk about stuff and people KNOW and understand what you're talking about. And their words come from a completely different place.
And the part about separating the person from the disease as ggnewme wrote. That's exactly how I feel. (my) he's not like that otherwise. And somehow that makes all the complications that much more painful (and for me has come with guilt sometimes), because you just wish that other part would be torn away and you can have that person back (and they can have themself back too), like they were before that other part came along and made itself a living breathing attachment. It hurts really bad. I just have to keep telling myself it is what it is and only that person can remove that attachment and me remove myself if i have to which i did and i hate it. Well I have to go I am getting too upset but I hope this helps you somehow. At any rate it was a good post for me to read I think
ggnewme wrote:
I think there's a tendancy for us to try and separate the alcoholic from the person we love - like, it's not them hurting us - they wouldn't be like that except for their disease, right?
and am trying to remember this -
cynay wrote:
But as you get healthier you will find that you are more honest and dont take on the protection role as much. Just focus on you sweetie and let him deal with his problems.
friend of bill wrote:
very perceptive description of the "Dance of Disease, StandingStrong. YOu hit the nail on the head. So, today instead of defending people, I prefer to let God do that. I dont need to change peoples perception of the alcholic, I just need to take care of me, and keep my side of the street clean. Defending him just keeps me in denial. Not gonna do that anymore. He is what he is, he has doen what hes done and I am no longer going to cover that up. Thats his job if he so chooses.
I too try to be fair as you described, try taking accountability for what i think i should, get confused etc.
I think when I get the most bothered is when someone who has NOT been in this situation, in effect has never been "attached" to it as we all have - when they say something it bothers me. This is why I don't talk to other people about it, it's so frustrating when I hear people talk about drug addicts and drunks, in such a detached way - i mean it's great they're not attached to it, but they DO NOT know....what they think they know. And it gets to me. They don't realize so I try to remember that. But oh sometimes...anyway that's why it's good to come here and to Alanon or Naranon. There you can talk about stuff and people KNOW and understand what you're talking about. And their words come from a completely different place.
And the part about separating the person from the disease as ggnewme wrote. That's exactly how I feel. (my) he's not like that otherwise. And somehow that makes all the complications that much more painful (and for me has come with guilt sometimes), because you just wish that other part would be torn away and you can have that person back (and they can have themself back too), like they were before that other part came along and made itself a living breathing attachment. It hurts really bad. I just have to keep telling myself it is what it is and only that person can remove that attachment and me remove myself if i have to which i did and i hate it. Well I have to go I am getting too upset but I hope this helps you somehow. At any rate it was a good post for me to read I think
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I still catch myself doing this....but then I feel bad anytime I say something bad about anyone and then I feel like I'm putting someone down. Who am I to judge? (this is when I am talking to someone about my woes.)
If someone were to say something negative to me about someone, I'd defend them if I felt the comments were unfair. When dealing with my AH, no one understood him the way I did, so I was always defending him. I've learned to bit my tongue, alot. It leaves a lot of drama out of my life when I do this. My 2 cents really don't matter much anyway.
I found that if I stick to the facts and not opinions, then my words will be accurate.
I use to do the "it's not his fault he's like this, he had a back up-bringing". Well, I now feel that after 15 years of being with me and having a family, he should have learned something different.
If someone were to say something negative to me about someone, I'd defend them if I felt the comments were unfair. When dealing with my AH, no one understood him the way I did, so I was always defending him. I've learned to bit my tongue, alot. It leaves a lot of drama out of my life when I do this. My 2 cents really don't matter much anyway.
I found that if I stick to the facts and not opinions, then my words will be accurate.
I use to do the "it's not his fault he's like this, he had a back up-bringing". Well, I now feel that after 15 years of being with me and having a family, he should have learned something different.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
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Rather than work on whether or not I should defend someone I try to work on making sure my time is spent with people I find easy to defend - if that makes sense?
I think defending loved ones is good but loving people who behave in an indefensible way is a problem.
I think defending loved ones is good but loving people who behave in an indefensible way is a problem.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
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"I think defending loved ones is good but loving people who behave in an indefensible
way is a problem."
True, but I think some of us here have developed problems distinguishing between the two.
Love and hugs
Jane the grumpy
xxx
way is a problem."
True, but I think some of us here have developed problems distinguishing between the two.
Love and hugs
Jane the grumpy
xxx
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
I use to defend my hub,even,defending myself,too..I don't do that today,for either one of us.There,s no need to.Folks will think what they want to about the both of us.I can't control this.What matters is that i know.And he knows..If folks talk ugly,or non-truths about either one of us,this has to do with the folks who are talking.Some are sicker than others.My ego,or whatever it is,just doesn't need to get into that ,defending.Times where i want to explain,i will.But expecting no outcome from it..Not trying to change another,but a wanting to share more of myself.When i use to defend hub and or self,it was because i wasn't sure myself.There was doubt,in me...So i defended,to not only convince you,but myself too.Let go,Let God.Live and let live.What others think of me,is none of my business,really. 
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!
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So i defended,to not only convince you,but myself too.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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All evil needs to thrive is for good men to sit back and do nothing
As it is my judgment is far from perfect but mostly I'm proud of those I know and love and where others feel they should be unlovable I'd rather speak my mind than sit back and do nothing.
That's not to say I don't make a right pigs ear of it sometimes - or react when silence would have been far better. I try to live and learn.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
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That was very hard for me. I had to learn that if someone wanted to know how Mr Magic was doing, they needed to ask him. I also found that I needed to distinguish between the effect alcoholism was having on my life, and what wasn't. At first it was all jumbled up. Feeling like a victim, I often saw everything he did as a personal crisis for me. Him bad, poor me good.
As I began my recovery process, I learned that he had his personal demons to struggle with, and that I had to allow him the time and space to get through it. Working on my own reactions and perspective gave me the relief of not being entirely overwhelmed with his struggles and consequences. I still felt concern and sadness that he couldn't seem to surmount his problems, but I began to feel that my backing off gave him the freedom to work through it in his own way.
Most people don't know what we go through. They see alcoholism as I used to; a conscious choice to hurt those that love the alcoholic. Today I understand that if I take care of me, and let others take care of themself, we all benefit.
The people around us are happy when everything seems to be going well, and many worry when it isn't. They try to analyze what is wrong and how it can be corrected, then give their opinion. I used to try to make them understand what was "really" going on. In doing that, I often defended myself and my situation. Today I know that people aren't going to understand. They may think they'd know what they'd do in my place, but no one knows what they would do if faced with any given situation. I just don't have to make anyone understand or agree with me today. They have a right to how they think, and I just need to know that I am doing the right thing for me.Hugs, Magic
As I began my recovery process, I learned that he had his personal demons to struggle with, and that I had to allow him the time and space to get through it. Working on my own reactions and perspective gave me the relief of not being entirely overwhelmed with his struggles and consequences. I still felt concern and sadness that he couldn't seem to surmount his problems, but I began to feel that my backing off gave him the freedom to work through it in his own way.
Most people don't know what we go through. They see alcoholism as I used to; a conscious choice to hurt those that love the alcoholic. Today I understand that if I take care of me, and let others take care of themself, we all benefit.
The people around us are happy when everything seems to be going well, and many worry when it isn't. They try to analyze what is wrong and how it can be corrected, then give their opinion. I used to try to make them understand what was "really" going on. In doing that, I often defended myself and my situation. Today I know that people aren't going to understand. They may think they'd know what they'd do in my place, but no one knows what they would do if faced with any given situation. I just don't have to make anyone understand or agree with me today. They have a right to how they think, and I just need to know that I am doing the right thing for me.Hugs, Magic
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Ok,i will bite..lol.Time on my hands today.Equus you say that all evil needs to thrive is for good men to sit back and do nothing..Defending can be seen as siting back doing nothing..Just talking,talking.Giving lip service.Where,s the action,in defending.?Its not there.The folks who ive seen get things done,in the world,say very little.Talk less.They act upon,things.Move their butts...Get to going.....Action speak louder than words,.Thanks again for letting me share,
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One of those posts that touched off something in me. I defend our son to my husband. Both are recovering. However, son also suffers from depression and is medicating and also has ADD which he doesn't medicate.
Hubby thinks sons actions are as a result of laziness. He's terribly disorganized, messy and has a tendency to become melancholy. Explaining the differences between alcoholism which he should know about and depression & ADD has become a regular ritual.
I also question myself if I'm making excuses. But I never defend our son in front of dad. Nor does dad put son down to his face.
Dad knows he suffers from these disorders but I feel that in the back of his mind, he doesn't believe they exist. Actually, all he has to do is look at me because I too have the same problems but they are under control.
Wonder if this fits in the same category of "defending"?
Hubby thinks sons actions are as a result of laziness. He's terribly disorganized, messy and has a tendency to become melancholy. Explaining the differences between alcoholism which he should know about and depression & ADD has become a regular ritual.
I also question myself if I'm making excuses. But I never defend our son in front of dad. Nor does dad put son down to his face.
Dad knows he suffers from these disorders but I feel that in the back of his mind, he doesn't believe they exist. Actually, all he has to do is look at me because I too have the same problems but they are under control.
Wonder if this fits in the same category of "defending"?
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Equus you say that all evil needs to thrive is for good men to sit back and do nothing..Defending can be seen as siting back doing nothing..Just talking,talking.Where,s the action,in defending.?Its not there.The folks who ive seen get things done,in the world,say very little.Talk less.They act upon,things.Move their butts...Get to going.....Action speak louder than words,.Thanks again for letting me share
I have to admit I've only ever defended D here - in real life I've shared more concerns with friends than needed to defend him (if that makes sense). But the notion of defense being pointless or no more than a means to convince ourselves didn't fit well with me.
My best friend is gay - I have defended her countless times and if I have achieved no more than to stand by her so she wasn't alone, that would still have been enough. My actions matched my sentiment I rented a room in her house and played at least some part in her 'coming out' at work, (just went along to offer moral support while she did the rest).
I work with kids in care - again I have defended them countless times, sometimes I've risked my job in doing so, I think my respect outside their hearing as well as within it paid off. They knew I didn't 'bad talk' them. Social Workers knew better than to 'bad talk' them to me.
I've defended people of other races and the main result of that was to learn lots myself. Sometimes it's meant people thinking I'm stupid but I won't hear racism without challenging it. I won't hear an asian driver judged just on colour without speaking in his defense (here lies the trick of being around those easy to defend!!).
My husband was physically dependent on alcohol - if the day came when he was judged for that in real life I hope my actions, words and heart would all speak the same language and no matter what was at stake I hope I would have the courage to do so.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
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Hey again Equus,you say but the notion of defence being pointless or no more than a means to convince ourselves didn't fit well with me.....Its the differences that makes this world go around,and around..How boring would life be,if everyone thinks and experiences,life like me?Different strokes,for the many different folks.I respect your life experiences.They are different,than mine,tis all great stuff.And i believe for a reason.
Take care!!!!!!!!!!
Take care!!!!!!!!!!
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