Big Decision To Make

Old 05-09-2005, 01:46 PM
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zoe
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Big Decision To Make

Hi all. Sorry I have not been here much. I have been traveling back and forth on 4 hr drive. My H and I are communicating and getting along much better these days. He has done alot of improving over the last few months ( not sure if I trust that or not). Before I found out on New Years Eve that he had been drinking and lieing to me we had planned on moving to where he is now. Since then I have decided not to go anywhere until we could work things out. I have been taking care of my house and son and our 2 dogs. I finished my realestate course and am now studying to take the test so that I can start working. The traveling does not bother me but the comeing home to a dirty stinking house is getting to me. I also do not trust what my H is telling me about not drinking when I am not there to see for myself. I am wondering if my refusal to make the move is hindering any progress that we are makeing. The trust is such a big issue and I do not think that there will ever be a time when I do trust him if we are not liveing in the same place. This I feel is holding me back from making a true commitment to my marriage. On the other hand I do not want to give up the only security that I have living here. The commuting back and forth is hard on my teenage son because he has to take care of everything here while I am gone and while I feel he needs to be more responsible(doing dishes,cleaning up after himself,takeing care of dogs.) I feel that it is taking some of his teenage years away from him. He should be able to go to friends house and stay the night, ride his bike to town for the day and do normal teenage stuff without having all of this put on him. I feel that I should be the one to clean the house take care of animals so on without requiring so much from him. My H has put us in such a terrible position. He has said a couple of times that whenever I am ready to move up that would be great. He misses being home and now that he is finally seeing me as a person instead of just the mom, housekeeper,caretaker, I believe he misses me to. I know that I am not ready to move yet and have told H this but I am at war with myself because I do want to spend more time with him now that he is treating me with respect and consideration. He is going to his counseling faithfully and working on himself. I so want a good family life and I can see it on the horizon but I am so afraid that it will not last. What to do? At some point I will have to make the decission to move but I am feeling pressure from myself to do it real soon.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I need help working thru this.
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Old 05-09-2005, 02:28 PM
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the girl can't help it
 
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Take it slow..listen to your gut...if your relationship is meant to last a lifetime you will have a lifetime to work on it and to be together...

I am currious as to why he does not visit you instead of you going there? Maybe you could take turns going back and forth?...
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Old 05-09-2005, 05:25 PM
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zoe
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He is working seven days a week most of the time but he is trying to come here on weekends when he can. He is in the logging industry and he oversees many different projects wich take a great deal of his time. He works anywhere from 10 to 18 hours a day. His counselor has told him that he needs to take the time for his family and he is trying. He flew down here yesterday to spend the day with me and then he flew back late last night. This shows me that he is trying to put us first and I am trying to be more accomodating because of his work schedual.
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Old 05-10-2005, 12:12 AM
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it is so difficult isnt it, when we cannot always see our loved one. i havent seen my bf in months, and we are growing stronger thru the phone talkes we have. i often feel rushed to make things better for the both of us to see each other more. he has worked hard all winter, and now he's in rehab. I get impatient somtimes too.. and i am finding if i let it get to me, i start worrying about things. like i have a hard time finding a job right now.. and what my bf's concern is is getting help with his addictions, and then to get back to work to support both of us so we can be together again. it helped me tonite, cus i was saying to him maybe i am putting too much pressure on myself to get a job by a certain time, and he was very supportive and said he knows i am tryin hard to get a job. Sometimes being away from him for so long, i feel like what if he will want to give up.. or move on.. but i find that when we talk about how we feel it really helps us to cope with not seeing each other for so long. i mean, i dont tell him i am scared things wont work out if we dont see each other enuf, but i tell him i miss him alot... and its hard to be away from him for so long. he feels the same way , but my main thought to you is that it sounds like you are doin really good in setting goals and fulfilling them... jus never give up on it! its hard for me to even say that... but its something i have to tell myself every day. and most important... is YOU first! when you feel confident you are doin everything to the best you can... you will feel more optomistic... (harder to apply than say)... and it sounds like you are setting up things that make you feel more secure.. which is good too. i am only around 23 years old, and i admire how you are doin. and my words may not sound so wise as other peoples.. but this is what i am learning now... and especially how we have to realize that the most important person is "ME" (you)... for everything stems from there. we have to watch out for number one.."me" and then you will be able to support others hte best (emotionally, verbally, physically), like your son, and your partner! keep goin strong.. and yea.. i know how hard it is to be patient.. but i am finding out that if we try to push everything to go faster than its meant to maybe be, we will miss out on many lessons/realizations along the way that can make us stronger people!
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Old 05-10-2005, 02:27 AM
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Hey Zoe,when in doubt,i go somewhere,s for quiet,and pray/meditate.Sometimes i say the Serenity prayer.God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,courage to change the things i can,and wisdom to know the difference.Thy will,not mine be done.When making any decisions,i pray first.If im not clear,i talk to others,and pray again.I sometimes take pen in hand,and just write,with no intentions.No pushing within myself any outcomes,wants,or, desires.Just writting what comes to my mind openly.No list of pros/cons.Just writting..Being open.Just write whatever comes in my mind.Then pray again.My answers come in Gods time not mine.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,you and your family.
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