gabigoo

I am just at my wits end. But then again who here isn't!!! Despite the restraining order I called him tonight to ask him where some tools are. Of course he took them. So we start to get at it- arguing. It starts with him saying that he wants to reconcile and get past this but he CAN'T!!! He wants for me to forget everything he has ever done. Fine but what I can't get past is what he is doing now. He is SO selfish! Everything is about him. Don't we all deserve someone who treats us like a princess- ok maybe not that far but at least gives us 50%! In one breath he tells me he can do that- depsite 10 years that he has not. In another breath he tells me that he will never kiss my a**. Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't that occur in "normal" marriages? It is called respect. But he has none! All he did was complain about the child support- telling me that he "might" quit his job and work under the table to screw me over. Ok isn't that getting at the kids? He told me that I left him because I now have more money without him here. This is coming from a man who can't see past himself- spent $3500 on electronics but gave only a book to his daughter for her birthday. I explained to him that the courts determine the support based on both of our incomes- but he still disagrees. He feels it does not cost that much to take care of our 2 kids. Then again he never took care of them anyway so how would he know?
I guess that the point of all of this rambling is that I am SO tired of hearing that the whole world is against the alcoholic. Why can't he see that he is responsible for his own actions? I know b/c he has an illness. Well I can make the choice to not be around this and he has to accept it! I want more out of life. I am 30 y/o and want to experience a better life, a clamer life. My kids should not grow up in this chaos- a man who will never show me respect- or as he says I 'm not going to agree with everything you say and just kiss your a**. What he doesn't see is that he disagrees with everything. SO now I am the "money" taking B! Whatever. Sorry for the rambling- just had to get it all out! And by the way--- I will NOT be calling him again--- BIG mistake!!!

wraybear

Good lesson. I guess you won't be calling him again. You could probably get in trouble if he turned you in for calling him. And, from the sounds of it, he may be to a point where he would consider doing just that.

I know many men who feel similar. Feel like their X's are 'screwing' them over financially. It baffles my mind that these people don't realize it takes around $1000 a month to raise a child - and that doesn't include any extras. That is the bare necessity's. So, don't give him the pleasure of thinking his manipulation is making you feel guilty.

With my first marriage there was a similar situation. So, i never talked to him about anything financial. I told him he would have to talk to my attorney as she and the judge were handling all the financial issues. So, we didn't argue about money (until after the divorce!!! - I didn't feel the guilt he was trying to make me feel as my lawyer and the judge actually were handling the financial issues. I know you are not in the situation yet, but if you got a lawyer for the restraining order, maybe the lawyer will have some suggestions.

And, yes, we all deserve respect. A's don't respect themselves, so they disrespect everyone else around them. YOU DESERVE IT!! DON'T FORGET IT!

Good luck. I know this is a difficult situation for you. Take care of yourself and your kiddos. If you need a tool in the near future, borrow it!

gabigoo

I should make a correction to my original post- the restraining order is against him- he made too many threats to kill me! Of course he denies them- probably b/c he was DRUNK and doesn't remember- but just the same. He can not call me or come to the home... but I can call him- I shouldn't but I am allowed.

jcw1964

Hey you were right the first time. You deserve someone to treat you like a princess. Dont settle.
Yes, he does owe you respect.
In my opinion, he is not exhibiting the behaviors of a person recovering. Humbleness is key to recovery. He doesnt sound humble.
You should determine what you are willing to tolerate from him. If he is going to bash you like that. end the conversasion. Tell him that you will not be treated like that. My addict gets real mean and also tells me what I think and mean. When she gets that way, I say, I am not going to participate in this type of conversation. and leave or hang up. You dont have to take it.
You deserve so much better. Your kids deserve so much better.
I hope that you find it.
Thanks
jeff

FriendofBill

My sweet friend, your post was most helpful to me tonight. I, too, am having sad thoughts about the arrogance that beholds my Ex....the self centeredness, blaming is so difficult to accept in this disease. In reading your words, I was able to see a new light on things. Let me tell you what I "Read", about him anyhow, in reading between the lines.

He does want you back, BUT, his pride and ego cannot begin to admit he is to blame for much of the misery in the family. After all, if he were to admit that, then he would appear to be weak, or a loser. What then? How, if he admitted that, could he expect you to take him back. He will have to admit he has lost control of his life and humble himself. THOSE are not options for the holder of the disease of addiction. So...he would rather take the easier, softer way and pretend its all water under the bridge, lets not bring it up again, and start over. If you agree with that, then all is well, until the NEXT chaos cycle begins. If you DONT agree, then his disease is quite upset.

Addiction is POWER, it is supreme and will NOT allow the man who has the disease to act healthy.Its like theyve got a small monkey (disease) operating thier mind. The monkey rules and as long as the person feeds the monkey with crappy behavior, drinking etc, the monkey will ALWAYS win.

Its not until the man starts getting really pissed off that that damn monkey and talks back at him, will he change. The disease is ruling him, and until he gets sick and tired of it, nothing will change.

I hope this may help you, if not, just remember your not alone. My former husband is now a dry drunk, and I remember when he was sober, he was a kind, gentle, loving man and friend. He has been abducted by his disease and is being held hostage. I hope one day he will be released. I miss "him".

nocellphone

As long as you do, that's the important thing!

Kahlia

That is what the restraining order is for....so you don't call him and he don't call you.....I have one against my alcoholic brother.....I would definately buy some new tools..........I would NEVER call my brother about anything....I mean ANYTHING.....it is a major ordeal and fuels his fire......Kahlia

gabigoo

Thank you all for responding! Once again I will say that I will NOT be calling him again. I guess I was at a weak point and I was so angry at him as to why I made the call. It is hard with the order b/c we can not have those typical conversations or I should say arguments that most people have at the end of a marriage. Then again what kind of conversation is it when he only curses me out and hangs up? I am working on letting go which many of you know is so hard to do. But I will continue to work on it. I can say that I am going to talk to my lawyer tomorrow about starting the divorce process. I have tried, like many of you. I have done everything, everything I can but it is no longer up to me. He is sick and doesn't want help. He only wants to blame the world for his problems. Like one of the posts said- he is not humble- he has not really surrendered to his alcoholism.
Anyway, this week I go to a counselor for his risk assessment- mandated by the courts for his alcoholism and anger. They are also going to speak with my 4 y/o- since she saw daddy drunk, drop her 2 y/o brother, fall on him, threaten to kill her mommy and try to punch her mom-mom! He thinks the assessment is a joke. Oh and I have to laugh- he told me that he is getting rid of his lawyer b/c of how the restraining order trial went- hard to defend a man who was clearly guilty!!! But when they served him the order there was a search warrant for his weapons- a hunting knife he carries- he is getting rid of his lawyer b/c he lost his knife!!! Thinks it is a joke. I don't think the knife is a joke and neither did the judge!! But as usual he just doesn't get it.

rock

Just my 2 cents worth. Try reading STEP 2 study above , I think we are , are own worst enemies. We make ourselves crazy we have options. Your problem today is probably just a bleep! on the radar screen. It looks like you'll be OK today. Work through those feelings. Take care

fingerscrossed

Gabigoo--please be careful! Hearing about a hunting knife really kicks it up several notches. Alcoholics lose control, and what not, but having a hunting knife around is very serious when you have someone not thinking clearly and furious most of the time. Don't be alone with him and take the possiblity of violence very seriously.

CodeMaster

My experience is the same with my A ex, when their gone, you start to wonder if their really angels just having bad days. One phone call or a visit is all it takes to remind you it was a mistake to contact them again.

Take care yourself... best of luck to you.