JennyK

Over the course of my marriage to my husband I have thought of so many things that would END our marriage. None of them has.

I have no idea what it will take for me to stick to a boundary and actually leave. I wonder if it is physical abuse. I can not even fathom that he is capable of that, yet he has done things before that I can not imagine he ever would.

I don't know why I am willing to put up with so much. What is keeping me here?

Well, I know what is keeping me here. I just can't help but wonder what, if anything it would be that would MAKE me really leave.

I stay because it is a choice that I make daily and because I have been unable, yet, to stick to any decision that THIS is it.

My life is not bad. I have a great job, incredible children, wonderful friends, an amazing extended family and really good self esteem. I am smart and pretty and funny and kind. I find joy in the everyday experiences that I have.

So then WHY...do I keep on keeping on with my husband? He has as many good qualities as he does bad. He has a pull that I have yet to resist. Everyday he gives me a glimmer of hope that it will get better. I still believe in the dreams that he has for himself.

I wonder what it will be that will be the marriage breaker for me...I wonder if it will ever come to that...I pray it does not and maybe THAT is what is stopping me from seeing it. Or even knowing what it is I should be seeing. Maybe I am just blind to the obvious.

In any case, I still have the ability to find joy each day and I still have the skill of counting my blessings and I still know that I am a good person. Perhaps when THOSE things are gone, I will know....perhaps...

Jenny

Zoey

You are free to stay, it is a choice. You probably find much happiness at times.
unless physical abuse I find it great you have what you have.
clancy46

wraybear

Jenny, it is so encourgaging that you can keep counting your blessings and find joy in each day. Maybe that is the deal breaker. When you have a hard time finding joy. I have had these feelings too... It's not THAT bad, HE is a good man, He is a good father, He is a good husband. But, eventually, in my case, the good husband left. Then a couple years later, the good father left too. Then of course the good man was gone.

I too have had that glimmer of hope, that the good husband, father and man will come back. I am 16 years into my marriage. There was the horrible car accident where he almost killed himself and our children 3 1/2 years ago. I couldn't leave him then, the guy could barely walk, besides, for better or worse, right?

I guess for me, I had to come to the conclusion that even though I still love him, and I do to this day, that doesn't mean it is okay for me to subject myself and my children to his behaviour. Yeah, denial kept me thinking his behavior wasn't THAT bad... but when I REALLY sit down and make an HONEST inventory of the behavior, IT IS THAT BAD and it WAS that bad. No human being, wife or child should tolerate this.

But, it took me years to get here. And, quite frankly, it has been since he has been gone these 6 months, that I FINALLY realized, it is my own insanity for me to have accepted all the unacceptable behavior. Of course, he is close to the progressive end of alcoholism.

The glimmer of hope I had was daily, then it was weekly, these past 6 months, the glimmer shines maybe once a month. Just very recently I realized the glimmer of hope needs to be for me, not for him. The glimmer of hope needs to be for MY LIFE and MY joy, with or without him.

But, we each have to make these decisions in our own time. God knows it took me a long time and a separation to come to this decision. I hope you can find some peace very very soon! keep up feeling the joy! you are a very strong woman.

FormerDoormat

I agree with Wray 100%. Couldn't have said it better myself. I, too, kept thinking his behavior wasn't THAT bad, but when I finally sat down and made an HONEST inventory of my life, I realized IT WAS THAT BAD.

It took Wray 16 years to get there. It took me 23 YEARS to stop the insanity, to stop accepting the unacceptable, to stop denying the truth, to learn to love myself enough to let go of an unhealthy relationship and demand more--much, much more.

It has only been in the past two months that I realized that I wasn't living. I was dying a little each day. Living with an active alcoholic was sucking the life out of me and I allowed it. Two months ago, I took a giant leap of faith--that I could not only survive on my own, but I could THRIVE. And I have. Now I wake up each day with a sense of enthusiam and wonder what joys the day will bring. I no longer have a sense of dread or fear what lies around the corner. My days are no longer miserable, angry, and sad. I welcome what tomorrow will bring and each new day is another opportunity to enjoy life, another opportunity to grow. My life is filled with hope and my life is filled with peace.

I've let go of the drama. I've let go of the fear. I've let go of the dread. I've let go of the things that weren't working for me. I've let go of my unhealthy relationship. I've let go and I've LET GOD show me a better way to live.

And do you know what I found? I found sanity. I found peace. I found joy. I found hope. But most of all I found ME. I'd been focusing on others and on controlling their behavior for so long, that I'd forgotten how to be true to myself. I'd forgotten how to put myself first. I'd forgotten how to do the things I love. I'd forgotten to ask for and receive what I need. I'd forgotten how to take care of me. I'd forgotten that I have much to offer. I'd forgotten that I deserve a good life. I'd forgotten that I deserve a healthy relationship. I'd forgotten to LOVE ME.

I've learned that when you stand still, you only maintain status quo. And if status quo isn't working for you, isn't the place you want to be, isn't all you dreamed your life would be, then you aren't living. You're merely existing.

When I finally stopped denying how bad my relationship was and realized that I deserved much, much more, I was no longer afraid to make a change. I was no longer willing to accept unacceptable behavior. I was no longer willing to live with the effects of alcoholism.

The day I finally pulled my head out of the clouds and asked by boyfriend to leave was not the end of the world, as I feared it would be. It was the beginning of a wonderful new life.

Two months ago I took control of my life. I let go of the darkness and I found light. I let go of the insanity and I found joy. I let go of my anger and I found peace.

Tonight, Jenny, I wish you peace.

harleygirl92156

Hi Jenny,

Well this morining I clicked on your thread and started reading and really began wondering if I had written it.
I feel EXACTLY the same way you do.
An alcohol counselor told my husband just the other day (he is sober 5 months) "I don't think there are many woman if any that would have stayed with you and put up with what this woman has. She must love you a great deal and obviously she sees something in you that no one else does."
That made me realize I do see something in him that gives me hope, and until that hope is completely gone I will stay. Like you my husband has as many good qualities as bad and now that the drinking has stopped (for today) I pray the good qualities take over and the bad ones slowly dimish.
I think you stay because you do love him and you see something in him that only you can see and you have hope.
You sound like you have a good life and make the best of the situation and that is GREAT!
Don't dwell on why you don't leave, just enjoy the moments you have that are good. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are where God wants you to be right now. Just let it go and trust me you will know when and if the time comes for you to end it. Your are obviously not ready yet as I am not ready yet.
Good luck and God bless. I will remember you in my prayers.
BEC

Beautiful

Welcome. Whatever makes you stay, understand that staying is a choice. Putting positive energy into the pot is also a choice -- one that addicts have a hard time doing until they realize that the sun doesn't fall and set with them. It is also the realization that you are not the responsible party for putting in all of the positive energy into the pot. That is when you start to realize that there is more to life. Whether or not you stay with him, it is a personal realization and one that will direct the rest of the decisions you make from here on out.

JessicaNAJ

Oops - double post.

JessicaNAJ

I stayed with my AH because I love him. But when his drinking and his "friends" started interferring with the family, and when he started allowing them to bring things into the house that could cost me my job, and he wasn't willing to do anything about, I had to.

Only time will tell where we will go from here.

I am glad, Jenny, that you take time to count your blessings and that there are blessing to count.

jcw1964

Jenny, welcome. You are among friends. Everyone comes to their limit point in their own time. My wife disclosed her hydrocodone addiction about 8 months ago. She relapsed and we went through the withdrawl and lies and manipulation but I had hope. Each time she acknowledged the relapse and promptly sought help. Each time a more progressive approach was used. 36 days ago she started her latest recovery and she has done great. Unfortunatly, on Tuesday she purchased valium over the internet against all advice of addiction experts. (docs and therapists) She refused to acknowledge a problem. That was my limit. I set a boundary that I cant live with an active addict that wont seek help. Well, to try to make the story short. She left before I asked her to and now wants to come back. I desperatly want her to come back to a loving, caring environment that sets boundaries. She has agreed to let me go to an addiction doctor with her on monday and we can get an authoritative view of the issues.

I know what you mean about the "hope". You love someone and give them your heart and soul and cant just walk away with out some pain. You have to determine what your boundary is and stick to it. No one can tell you what your boundary is and what you need to do about it. But find one for yourself.

You are blessed to be able to find blessings in the chaos. you are obviously a strong person. My wife is also a fantastic, vibrant person when she is not using. Those are the defining moments. I don't focus on the addiction. I focus on the good.
Good luck and God Bless
Jeff

newbeginings

It did me good to read your thread. I was finding myself reading threads where women were talking about ABs. I considered starting a thread to tell them all to run, run as far and as fast as they could. If you weren't trapped by marriage to an A to get out as fast as you can. I could see no reason why anyone would stay if they could leave. Maybe I am the one with the problem. I just can't accept this is a disease, for it sure is like no other disease. But I know that I have just reached my limit, so I forget about the one reason someone would stay - love. My H has killed that long ago. I "hope" your story has a better ending than mine.

fingerscrossed

NewBeginnings--it helps my broekn heart to read posts like yours about the reality of married life to an A. A is not a pretty disease, and pretty soon the romance would have been gone with my ABF. So--I have my moments where I boohoo about all our future plans, but the reality is that life married to an alcoholic/addict would not have been the fairy tale ending that I had envisioned.
For whatever reason, actually love, I would have stuck by him even though I know deep in my heart that he wasn't right for me. He actually ended up leaving me so I guess someone upstairs was looking out for me. But it hurts!! Although now 3 weeks later, I am finally feeling better and the tears no longer come.