was it the alcohol talking or him
 

I really need some advice today..my story is a little long, forgive me, I have so much pent up anger inside of me. I have been with my b/f for over 4 years, when we met it was at my house where I was doing alot of "partying" as I had just ended my 15 year marriage [my ex was not an alcoholic, just abusive, physically and emotionaly.] So I felt like I wanted to live for once. we started out just having a physical relationship..over time it turned to love. We have had a lot of struggles, because there is a big age difference between us. after a couple years i realized that drinking was not the answer to anything and my b/f also wanted to change his life...wanted to quit. He tried many, many times..usually he was not succesful. 6 or 7 months ago he just quit..and it continued for about 6 months. He stayed away from "friends" that were drinkers. He got a job [he has rarely worked] as a temp at the place where his family works. They were planning on hiring him to the company and he was sooo happy. One day he went to work and was told they could not hire him because he would be reporting to family. He was dissapointed but ok. He was told they were going to fill his position with someone that is not a temp. I brought him to work one day [about 2 1/2 weeks ago] and he called 2 hours later saying he just couldn't make himself stay another minute. I immediatly got scared..I felt there was a great chance that our lives were going to go back to how they were [when he was drinking]. He made some excuse to take the car and get out for a while...where did he go?? directly to the person who is a huge influence in his drinking. He was brought home later that night [a real friend drove our car]I yelled and screamed when he got home, I couldn't help myself..I went to the store and he passed out on our bed. The next three days were almost the same, except he didn't come home for 2 nights straight. something he has never done before. [I know he's not cheating, just drinking till he passes out.] After sitting and waiting for him i realized that I couldn't do this again. So, when he got home the next morning I said I didn't think i could do this again..and said if you drink today i think our relationship has to be over[i still love him]he said he wasn't ready to quit again, then packed his things and said that he still loved me and wanted to be with me,he didn't want us to be over, and would keep things open[as far as our relationship goes]..We decided to take it one month at a time...then I keep hearing from our friends, one of them also an alcholic and his g/f..they said he already knew he wasn't coming back. He feels i am trying to control him..I know deep down he knows I'm only trying to save his life. We talked last night and I told him I needed to know if he was even thinking about coming back cause i needed to make some decissions in my own life. He would not answer any questions directly, he just kept saying.."don't believe everything you hear" and "what did I want..what did we decide on?" the answer is we agreed to talk in a month..There was absoulutaly no clear answers. He ended up walking out after acussing me of trying to control him..Now I don't know what to think.. does he still love me but is not ready to quit or does he not love me anymore..I love him desperatly and want him home....help what should i do?? p.s... these "friends" that are telling me things are known not to be very honest, but they both seem to back up the other ones stories

Hi...welcome to SR. What would be the best thing for you to do now is find alanon meetings and attend as many of them as possible. Get the free literature and learn all you can about the disease. There are lots of books out there about alcoholism. Check out Melody Beatty. "Getting them sober" and "Co-Dependent No More".

Grab a coffee, put your feet up and dive in. You'll find that what you're going through is typical. But the most important thing is for you to worry about you and taking care of your mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing.

Blessings

You may need to find some better friends honey...if they are not known to be very honest - they are not friends.

Move on, he isn't coming back!
You gave him a choice, you or alcohol.......the alcohol will alway win until he is ready to give it up if he ever is and that could take a very long time.

Take care of yourself and move on, take your hard knocks now and start to heal, the sooner the better.

God Bless

Welcome, your in good company here. We have all been there in one way or another.

Unfortunally I have to agree that if there is a choice between you and anything that they find addictive... you will always lose out. You need to just take care of yourself, ask why you want that in your life and get the tools to heal and grow!

God Bless

there is hope
 

I'm finding hope and comfort at Alanon. I'm starting to do the hard work of looking at myself, instead of letting my life be scripted by the actions of the alcoholic. It's really hard and painful and I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Prayers and best wishes
Robin

"After sitting and waiting for him i realized that I couldn't do this again." I think you just said it!!! He is not going to change. We have all been there and suffered so so much. What changes nothing. You cannot change him but you can change you. Get out whilst you can and save yourself so much heartache. Who knows it may work out, but dont wait for him. Get out there and enjoy yourself!!! (hug)

Hi,

The conversation you just described having with him reminds me of ones I used to have with my ex while we were having problems and "supposedly" trying to work things out.

I'd ask questions because I needed answers and he wouldn't give answers because he wanted to "maintain the control."

Only problem was after I had enough of that I took control and dumped his butt.

Your bf wants his cake and eat it too, he wants you in the wings and his freedom to drink too. His not answering you is his way of maintaining that. It's called "crazy making". The best thing you can do is take the bull by the horns get to some alanon meetings, keep coming to this board and making decisions based on what you want not on what he wants. Don't ask for answers you won't get any.

Ngaire