Savana 54

I have done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, and I have come to the conclusion that I want to give our relationship another try. I guess I feel the need to do that for myself; now that I'm in Al-Anon and learning so much about myself as well as the disease. If it happens to not work out, I'm not really out anything, and maybe without him entering into my life, I may have never found my way to Al-Anon and my HP.

So I asked if he wanted to come back home on Sunday. We talked for awhile about many different things. He said he wasn't ready to quit drinking.

I guess what I'm having a problem with now is that he cannot commit to a specific date as far as coming home. He no longer has his truck so he will be riding the train home; and in turn I had offered to pick him up three hours away.

I just think that since I agreed to pick him up, he could at least give me a specific date. He keeps making excuses and moving the date up; I'm sure so he can have more time to drink. I have been very patient and haven't been nagging or complaining. I just would like to know in advance.

How do I go about telling him to commit to a date without sounding rude or nagging? This is all so new to me, and I guess I'm kind of confused how to handle this....??? I guess maybe stand back and let him decide? Or do I set a boundary reguarding the date or am I trying to be to controling by doing this?

splendra

so is the boundry he can't come home untill he stops drinking or he has to come home by this certain date?

minnie

If I were in your shoes, I think I would say that is he wants a lift then he has to give you the date by, say, Sunday at 8pm. If he doesn't then you won't pick him up and he'll have to make his own arrangements. I don't see that as controlling, simply managing your own life.

Keep it simple and clear cut is my advice.

Good luck (and don't forget that he's told you that he's not ready to quit drinking, so don't be surprised that he doesn't)

Love

Minnie
xxx

Savana 54

Sorry splendra...I know I can't control his drinking and have accepted that.

I want to maybe set a bondary for the date...hope that makes sense..

FriendofBill

Sounds like your asking how to force someone to do something YOU want them to do.
He seems very clear to me that he does not want to return. At least for now. Listen to the words he is NOT saying.

He doesnt want to commit. Do you want someone to be with you out of forced obligation?

You may want to ask yourself WHY you are trying to force solutions?

What was the reason he left to begin with?
Has anything changed to indicate HE has made positive changes to the relationship?
Is it possible you are trying to make the relationship something that is isnt?
Why do you want him to return, if not much has changed on his part?

Just some food for thought...good luck!

splendra

You can set a boundry for the date of course....

Savana 54

I realize HE hasn't changed. I have though...with that in mind, I have asked him if he wants to come home.

He said he wanted to come home; but yet he keeps changing the dates. I'm sure a typical A thing, they can't commit to anything.

I just don't know what a fair boundary is to set, without sounding controling.

Cynay

Seems to me a fair boundary is what ever you need to happen for yourself, said once and sticking to it. (like Im good at sticking with it HA)

BUT... in this case If I were you I would probably stop asking him. You made the offer, now let it go and see if he comes around. In forcing him to make a commitment you are trying to control the situation. I have to agree with minnie on this one. Just that the door is open, but you are making other commitments and if he wants a ride (3 hours away) you need to know by ???. Then leave it alone.

Honestly I have to wonder if he really wants to come home. Funny my ex-ABF swore up and down he wanted to work out our relationship, would do WHATEVER it took to make us work... when I said OK... lets work on this .. he was gone and I have not heard from him since. I think he was trying to say what he thought I wanted to hear, or what "should" have been the right thing to take the guilt off himself, but never in a million years thought I would say yes...

Just a thought

Minx1969

I agree with FOB..Look at his actions, not his words..

Also - my sponsor asked me to commit to a year in AlAnon no relationships..She said after a year I could go back with him if that's what I want..it's been 8 months and I don't want him..not if he is drinking and not in recovery..and he's with someone else so it is irrelevant..

My sponsor also kept asking me: What has changed? Well..nothing really. I'm still trying to make the relationship work, I'm changing but he is doing his same old deal..

I've seen it alot in AlAnon..a few months people start to feel better, they get some recovery and think they can handle it..I know I've felt that way...I still think I might be able to handle the chaos..but then I come to SR and I read the boards and the chaos and the pain..and I think..I deserve better..I really don't want that again..

Anyways, we love and support you whatever you choose! Good luck!

I know how hard it is to let go and not be with someone you truely love..I still miss my exABF..

splendra

Is it absolutly necessary for him to come home by X date? Is it possible to leave it open?

Magichappens

What I try to do is make a plan, commit to it, and if the other person doesn't follow through, they miss out. That way I don't put my life on hold for someone else, then end up resenting them.

I tell them, I will meet you at such and such time and place. If they don't show up, I go on and do whatever I have planned to do next. That is my boundary. It's not uncaring, because I am showing myself respect and expecting that from other people. It's not easy to do at first, but practicing those things has helped me to feel that I am important and deserve respect, too. Hugs, Magic

jcw1964

I think Minx is on the right track.

Are you willing to put up with all of the things that were going in before he left? Has your boundary that led to him leaving changed?
He hasnt changed so there is no reason to expect that his actions will be any different.
Yes, you have changed and you have grown and you have developed healthy attitudes and behaviors.
As a healthy person, do you want to live with the chaos?
Only you can answer that question.

As far as the boundary of when to come back. You have asked, say that you need a certain amount of time to get ready and be there and let it go. As far as setting a date for him to decide, that does sound like controlling.

Accept his behavior or dont accept his behavior. Dont try to change his behavior.

If behavior (non commital) causes you pain, remove yourself from the situation. That is what you did when he left. That is all you can do.

I know that it hurts to be separated from him. I can tell in your words. I wouldnt want to be the one who nagged or chased someone down until they came home. You sound like you have

Thanks and God Bless
Jeff

Savana 54

In a way I feel I'm trying to manipulate and control the situation by setting a specific date; on the otherhand though, I feel like I would be a doormat if I allowed him to sit there forever and make his decision, with no reguard to me taking time out of my schedule to pick him up. Ahhhhhhh!!!

Thanks for all the great replies!! Gives me a lot to ponder..

walkingtheline

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

You did this so he should do that. And, you're attempting to think for him...I'm sure so he can have more time to drink. We all do it, even tho we try not to, and we're probably right...but, there is a chance he's putting you off for other reasons entirely or accompanying some other thing.

Maybe you should just go back to putting the focus on YOU. If you want him back you're free to say so, but you can't, in my opinion, tell him what he should do and expect it to be fruitful, you can only decide what you are doing. If you want to pick him up when he's ready, say so. If you only want to pick him up on a certain date or during a certain time frame, then again, say so. Decide what is right for YOU and simply stick to that.

It's never easy, is it?

ggnewme

I have to agree with Friend of Bill here too - savanna, talk about your HP giving you signs?!?! When I left my ABF, I was heart broken - still am to some extent, and it's been over a month of almost no contact. Yes, I'm feeling much stronger now, so much so that I'm even able to talk with him and try to supportive of his f**ked up life.

But guess what? Everytime I talk to him, I find myself buying into his continued craziness - and he's cut WAY back on drinking and is PROMising to quit/control/whatever.... I still easily return to my old, SELF DESTRUCTIVE behaviour (ie, spending all my energy trying to "help" him, rather than 1. Letting him help himelf and 2. Focusing on myself) - don't fall into that trap!

gelfling

Savana,

I just read your other post about turning off your phone and he tried to call after that. HP at work here. Signs are posted all over the place. Yet, you're willing to allow him back into your life knowing he's not ready to stop drinking.

And yet you're willing to have him move back. Even after you're surmising that's why he's making excuses not to come back, you're willing to very possibly go through the same thing you did in the past? It is recommended in alanon and AA that you give yourself at least 1 year free of relationships. It's only been about a month.

Please take your time. Don't rush him nor push him. He'll only get spiteful...from experience, of course...and he turned into a real nasty drunk then. Focus on your health and welfare. If he knows the door is open and he's ready to live within boundaries you set, he'll come back.

FriendofBill

Boundaries are something I se on myself not on others.

Example: I am not willing to wait forever for someone to make the decision to commit to something, so I must decide what is right for ME. So, I usualy talk it over with my sponsor, or friend, so I can make sure my motives are good and Im not being unreasonable.

I set a time table that is appropriate for me, then i stick to it. I then communicate it with respect to the person, fully and completely so there is no misunderstanding. I then leave the outcome up to God.

It is up to the person to decide whether its a good idea for them, and if they cannot make that decision, I must abide by what Ive set forth and act appropriately.

If you are not fully and completely able to make and enforce the boundary, then dont do it now. There is nothing worse than backing down, becuase then my actions no longer match my words and I have become as wishy washy and inconsistent as the Alcoholic.

Say what you mean,
MEAN what you say,
but dont say it mean.

When i do that, its amazing how people come to respect and believe me this time!

Cynay

I like that

Say what you mean
Mean what you say
but dont say it mean.

That is a good one, also the advise about not being wishy washy. That is one of the most frustrating things about the ex-ABF. She is right though... if we dont stick to the boundries that we set, then we are doing the same thing.

Just a suggestion, take your time and give it up to God... Life is way to short.

Savana 54

Thanks so much for all the replies! I'm still confused on how to deal with it, but I'm sure I will figure it out.