lynx78

I am new here....well atleast recently new. I am so confused and scared - I hope maybe someone can help me. I have been in an A relationship for 4 years (on & off but still 4 years). We have recently reconnected and ofcourse he told me how he changed - doesn't really drink anymore. I foolishly have fallen for that but am seeing that he drinks a lot still. In fact, I find that if he knows I am coming over he pins me down on a time so that he knows when he has to leave the bar. Tonite - I decided to not see him as he was pretty trashed and has hurt me physically in the past. It scares me bacause the night he did that - I couldn't see a human in his eyes. He openly tells me that he blacks-out. I just think I am nuts for signing up for this again. Here is my question???? - I love this man with my entire heart but I feel the necessity to run. Is that an appropriate response? In the past I have read Codependent No More - in fact have it on my dresser and attended Al-Anon - he has gone thru Rehab once (obviously that didn't stick). I guess I know that I am doing the same thing expecting a different result. Is this nuts? Should I run? Any suggestions are really appreciated!

Thanks!

TRISH1011

You are not nuts...but I think what you need to do....is either get a commitment from him to try to stop drinking and if he refuses, or gives excuses, flee in the opposite direction, leaving him with the message that you will only be there for him once you know that 'he' wants to stop drinking.

I was in love once upon a time with a man who had a marijuana addiction. I was with him for six years. He was a good person, but this was difficult to see under the veil of
the marijuana haze he surrounded himself with. I was 21 when we first me. Rarely drank, never took drugs. At 27, I was an alcoholic and speed junkie and had been for three years. At thirty, I have only been sober for seven days after numerous attempts to set myself straight...I gave up speed at 27, never looked back, however alcohol was a demon I have only now decided to face as an enemy, rather than a friend as I have viewed it in the past.

He was either completely neutral under the influence, or abusive. Once, after smoking
cones all day, when I refused to finance his 'little' speed problem as he put it, he winded me in the stomach...as I struggled to breathe, gasping and crying, I could see no sign of humanity in his eyes.

A month afterwards, tired of not being able to afford rent, tired of coming home from the city (5 hour daily journey by bus and train) where I worked the 9-5 shift...I left him. I have never looked back since.

We have spoken occassionally since then. He speaks of having given up the drugs...but I know that this is not true. We ceased communication in March of this year and I now have a lovely fiancee who is worth his weight (and more ) in gold.

I wish you the best...and I hope he finds the strength and tenacity to face his problem. Otherwise, I would advise you bid him an 'astalavista baby', and do as I did then...don't look back.

To do this, I had to forsake all my (so-called) friends at that time, seek new employment and begin my life anew 130km away.

So I believe you can do it....

Your fate is in your hands.

lynx78

Thank you for the advice which I am seriously considering. He called me this morning to apologize for how he acted last night while he was drunk. I told him that I have no room in my life for that because I can not emotionally handle it. I plan on discussing this further with him tonite - I have played 2nd fiddle for years to his addictions - If he loves me the way he claims to then he will seek help. I will not let my children suffer with his addiction nor myself for that matter. I know he drinks to numb the pain of an awful (and I mean AWFUL) childhood and that we lost a baby last fall but I am too fragile to go thru anymore hurt. I barely hold it together now and him hitting the bars again will send me over the edge.

I was taking all sorts of prescription meds to numb my pain from my loss but was afraid I would rely on them too much so I stopped taking them. Anyway, again thank you...you have offered my such insight and intelligence!

Minx1969

Hi Lynx78 and welcome to SR. You are the in right place.

A question for you: Why do you want to be with someone that is physically abusive? Don't you think that you deserve better? Love is not about abuse or addiction.

I'm hear to tell you that love is not going to stop his addiction. Doesn't matter if he loves you or not..he'll stop when he is ready and not before.

Please keep reading the posts and you will see from many people that love has nothing to do it..He will hit his bottom when he is ready. (There are many bottoms..for my brother it was his death..)

I see that you said you went to AlAnon..I would strongly suggest you start going to regular meetings..Got o 5 or 6 and find one you like..Get a sponsor and work the steps..As they say in Alanon, you didn't cause this disease, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

I wish you luck!

I'm 8 months out of my most recent relationship with an A and much happier..I've been in Alanon for 10 months..

lynx78

Thank you Minx. Although it is heart-breaking to hear the truth - I know it is the truth you speak. Why do I want to be with this man? He will eventually drink himself to death - I told him tonite that I am afraid to let myself be with him when he is drinking and that I do not forsee a future with an A because I do not want to live this type of life - it is misery. I know he doesn't get it as I am pretty sure he was drunk at the time - I am not sure how to get away as I am relatively certain he will hurt me if I try. Huge sigh......I feel trapped and still confused. I do appreciate your honesty.

walkingtheline

First of all, welcome! There is so much wisdom here and it one of the few places that everyone can say, "I know how you feel."

If you sister, your daughter, you best friend..if any of them said:
What would you say to her? THAT is your answer.

CarolD

If you value your children...run.

You can always find another abusive drunk when they are out of danger.

Harsh? Yes. Fact? Yes.

I am an alcoholic in AA recovery...and I would never ever stay in this situation. Heck...I would never ever date him!

robina

I am new at dealing with alcoholism. Something that struck a chord with me was when you said you loved him with all your entire heart. I have sadly learned that the alcoholic uses that love to manipulate and hurt the people around them. My beloved alcoholic daughter, whom I love more than life itself, has been using my love to do some abusive things to me.

In Alanon, I am learning about "detaching with love". Things have gotten so bad that I am ready to detach from her. I am struggling with this, but everyone I talk to tells me that the most loving thing I can do is detach from her and refuse to enable her drinking any more.

Prayers and best wishes.

Robin