Relapse and Trust

Old 05-04-2005, 11:52 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2
Relapse and Trust

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this group although I'm not new to the pain that I have read in many of the posts on this site. I arrived today on this site with a heavy heart as I have just gone through the 4th relapse with my husband, who is not working a program (no meetings, no sponsor) and hasn't been since he left treatment a year ago.

Everytime I start feeling really happy because he isn't drinking and things are good again it seems it slips away in a moment with another relapse.

We have a 1 year old baby girl and love each other, but I'm trying to find some advice on how to live when I can't trust him and how to encourage him to get help when he doesn't seem to want it.

megs is offline  
Old 05-04-2005, 12:04 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
minnie's Avatar
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Oh, hon, I really feel for you.

Welcome to SR - you've found a great place to find the answers to your questions.

How do you live without trust? I couldn't personally, so I left my A fiance. However, I don't have kids and I know that would have made it much harder. Is he doing anything to win back your trust?

Have you tried al-anon? It was a great support to me and I still go even though I am no longer with the alcoholic. Also, get hold of a copy of "Co-dependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. If you're anything like me, it'll become your handbook.

You can't make him get help - he has to want it himself. If he's not in recovery, whether AA, Rational Recovery, LifeRing or whatever, these relapses are more than that. It is more like old behaviour.

Keep coming back here - it's been a lifesaver for me.


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Old 05-04-2005, 12:05 PM
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Cynay's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR Megs,,,, glad you could join us.

Welp... Im starting to sound like an old timer here and Im pretty new myself.... advise?

Let go, start your own recovery, figure out what you want for YOU, decided what you can and cant live with, attend counceling, Al-non, Read....

Im sorry you have to live with this situation but the truth of it really is you cant do anything about him.. his recovery. All you can do is get the tools to help yourself and your babygirl. You do need to remember though you did not cause this, its not your fault. You cant control it, that is his problem (wrinkles her nose - detachment) and you certainly cant cure him... again his issue.

Treat yourself and your babygirl Well.
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Old 05-04-2005, 12:06 PM
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walkingtheline's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Aw, Meg, we all wish we could wiggle our noses and make it better.

But, having said that, WELCOME! Pull up a chair, put up your feet and read, read, read! The "stickies' at the top of the forum are a great place to start and there is much wisdom from many here who have "been there, done that".

The absolute best thing you can do is set an example. Work YOUR program! Go to alanon. Work the steps. Get yourself a sponsor. Focus on you and how you can improve your life and that of your lovely daughter.

Remember, you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it, but you can certainly take care of YOU.

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Old 05-04-2005, 07:41 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Sioux Falls SD
Posts: 10
I'm a newcomer as well and I wish I had advice or answers but I don't.

The reason I'm here is because for about 2 years my husband would quit, relapse, apologize, quit, relapse, apologize. It was hell on me and him and our 2 years old who probably heard more than he should have. Then, one day, it was done. He was sober for a year before I felt comfortable enough to acknowlege it. Three years and 2 children later, his office was shut done and he didn't have the ability to rebound and he got drunk. I was absolutely crushed. Logically, I knew relapse was part of recovery (and figuaring out you need to do something different) but emotionally, he kicked my @ss. I forgave pretty quickly. Six weeks later, he did it again. Only this relapse lasted 3 days and since I don't allow alcohol in my house, he was not here. I was here with our kids--alone. (In case you can't tell I'm still angry at him.) I blamed myself, "If I would have..., " I saw all of the classic warning signs for a relapse but didn't trust myself to predict it. Anyway, this thinking made me realize how much his drinking/sobriety affected me. I knew I needed help--that's why I'm here.

If you do find answers, let me know, I need some too.
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