Holding On....Looking for help.

Old 05-04-2005, 07:52 AM
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Jen On Hold
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Join Date: May 2005
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Unhappy Holding On....Looking for help.

Trying to find the words to start this post is not an easy thing. I have been with an alcoholic for 6 years now. Recently (two weeks ago) we spit up. I am somewhat ashamed to say it was not because of his drinking, it was because he was seeing someone else. I could go on and on about my rage regarding the affair, the lies, the hurt, the shame and everything that goes with the repercussions of dealing with something like that.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

The worst part is we have a five month old baby. He had been having this affair since she was three months.

<o:p></o:p>To make a long story short, I locked him out of the house after overhearing a conversation that he was having with her after he accidentally called my cell phone. He had left the night before, after a fight about there being no spark in our relationship and did not come home that night. I received the accidental call the next morning while they were together.<o:p></o:p>

Please keep in mind that he drinks all the time, unless he is at work. He is a firefighter and during his 24 hour shifts he can’t drink or chooses not too because he will loose his job. But during the 48 hours off he drinks, all day. Beer mostly and when he needs to put a good buzz on he will go to the bar and drink his shots. I have never known him not to drink unless there was a special occasion like a work function that he could not. I have allowed myself to be taken through his hell with him; from taking care of him during is good drunks, to dealing with his anger, depression and metal instability. I have listened to him say he wanted help, and watched as he would avoid it. I have leaned over the years no to fight with him, to avoid the confrontation for my own metal and physical well being. Yet, as I stay silent in the background it continues. As I drift from him, he drifts from me, and I am sure that is why there was the affair. I stopped listening to his problems; I stopped caring that he was hurting, because in the end it was always about him.<o:p></o:p>

He is now staying with his mom, and I am in the house. He calls daily saying he messed up, he wants to come home. He says we can’t work on our marriage apart. That he loves me and the baby and he wants to come home. He is making me feel guilty for his actions, like I owe it to him to come home. I have been asking him what is going to change, how are things going to change? I usually get no real answer just his promise that it will. I am sure you can relate to promises don’t mean a lot with dealing with an alcoholic. He has promised for years to quite drinking, to slow down, to make an adjustment in his life. Never has it happened. <o:p></o:p>

I started going to a counselor yesterday, my husband has an appointment next Tuesday. I will add that I made the appointment for him. I know now that I should have let him do it. I have refrained from doing anything further; the ball is in his court so to speak. The counselor that I say told me to go and get a book called Codependent No More. Well, it fits; I qualify as a Codependent. Wow is all I can really say. I have only read the first few chapters and it’s me, totally.<o:p></o:p>

Now, I sit and wonder what to do next. Where do I start, do I believe him and work to save the marriage? Knowing I can’t do it alone, knowing that it has to come from him. He has to make the changes to allow the marriage to work. Yet, I am the one that is alone, hurting, and not knowing what to do next. Having no one to talk to that has been in this position before, not schedule to see the counselor for another week. Hanging on by my fingernails, waiting for something, to be honest I don’t know what. Maybe an action from him, something that will make my path clear. Do I head down the road of getting a divorce and start my life over again or do I wait in limbo for his choices? I am afraid, scared and trying to hold on to any strength I have to get through what is next, come what may.<o:p></o:p>

So, here I am writing to you, looking for support, advice, someone who has been here before. Someone that can relate to what I am going through. Maybe someone to hold my hand and tell me I am doing the right thing? I don’t know I am just so uncertain about everything, so undecided. I usually the one who has the decisions made the moment they are needed. I am usually the one who can stand up against anything and deal with it. Now, I am just holding on.
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Old 05-04-2005, 08:05 AM
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How Important Is It?
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love and support

Jennifer -
It sounds like you are doing a lot to help yourself. Good for you for posting here. You really need to take good care of yourself because you have a small baby. Remember, you need to take care of yourself and your baby. It is not your job to take care of the alcoholic.

I am learning a lot about alcoholism, and about ennabling. I am seeing a counsellor, and reading a lot, but I find going to Alanon is the most helpful of all. It's helping me disentangle myself from the emotional and mental chaos of watching my daughter destroy herself with alcohol.

Love and support to you,

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Old 05-04-2005, 08:20 AM
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jennifer - absolutely look into al-anon. you will not feel alone there and will learn many tools to help you take care of YOU! only he can do anything about his problem. welcome and read all you can here!

hugs - chris
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Old 05-04-2005, 08:34 AM
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A warm welcome to SR

Learning to take care of myself is one of the hardest things I have had to do. Take care of you so you are able to take care of that baby.

Co-dependent no more was great reading, I could hardly put the book down and kept saying this is me. Check out the sticky posts at the top.
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Old 05-04-2005, 08:58 AM
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WELCOME TO SR! *gives a warm hug*

Sounds like your taking all the begining steps... Your doing great, your here and BOY do we understand what your going through.... READ READ READ its the only thing that kept me sane at times.

You know, why is it we always feel like we have to come up with the answers so quickly.... Im going to stop doing that and just pray about it ... if the answer does not come today... fine... I will work on myself and pray about it again tommrow. You dont have to know what is the next step... you only have to take care of you and your baby.

Come here, go to Al-non, read books... pray. The answers will come
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Old 05-04-2005, 09:29 AM
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Welcome to SoberRecovery.

I accidentally posted a new one here. I'll be back to read in a minute.
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Old 05-04-2005, 10:56 AM
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Hey Jennifer. Welcome to SR! So many of us can relate. You've taken the first few steps that helped me the most - Codependency No More and Counseling. It's amazing how much better life gets when you take the focus off of your A and put it back on yourself.

My AH and I have been married about 2.5 years. I did not know he was an alcoholic when we got married and it took me the first 1.5 years of our marriage to figure it out (let's just say, I don't have a lot of experience with alcohol or people being drunk). Once I figured out that my AH was an alcoholic, I made him go to detox and then when he relapsed 8 days later, I made him go to a 28 day inpatient program...note all of the emphasis on "I". Suffice it to say, none of that got him sober. When he finally came to his own realization that he needed to get help (following a weekend where he flew out of town to meet up with a chick he met on a singles website - nothing sexual, just drinking - and came home to me changing the locks), he did. He wanted to make things work, blah, blah. A lot of the things that your AH seems to be saying to you. I told my AH that what he had to say no longer mattered (mostly b/c I had heard it all before) and that the only thing that mattered to me were his actions. He took the steps that he needed to take to get sober and it had nothing to do with me (though when I changed the locks and said I was done, he probably realized how much he stood to lose).

You're in a tough spot. Lots of us have been there. What worked for me was learning to recover from my codependency, setting healthy boundaries AND sticking to them, trusting my instincts (I'd forgotten how to do that!) and seeking God (my higher power) in all of this. Decide for yourself what you are willing to tolerate. For me, actions were the only thing that mattered. See what your AH is capable of - he may surprise you.
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Old 05-04-2005, 11:12 AM
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Searching and tripping
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Lots of good advice here from the other posters. Only thing I'd like to add is that you need to stop blaming yourself for his infidelity. When alcohol is involved, anything is possible.

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Old 05-04-2005, 11:30 AM
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Jennifer - you are not alone. We are all here to lend an ear anytime!

Sounds like you are taking the right steps toward an healthy life. Counseling is a good start. Have you thought about attending Al-Anon? I also read that book and it was exactly "ME".

Keep the focus on you is the best advice I can give. This is your life...he has his own. Maybe when he sees you getting better, he will choose the same path. And you're right, you cannot "Make" him go to counseling. You've done all you can, the rest is up to him.

Hang in there!!!
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Old 05-04-2005, 11:44 AM
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Join Date: May 2005
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About a year ago, my husband went into treatment when our baby was just 2 months old. It has been a hard time since treatment because he has relapsed 4 times. I can only imagine what you are going through with everything plus the sleep deprivation and the fatigue of being a new mother. Al Anon helps so much but most importantly try to become selfish and take care of yourself and your baby and put him on the back burner...I know that's easier said then done since I'm the worst at my own advice. I just know if I did that I would be happier so maybe it will work a little for you.

Reach out anytime,
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