Friendship

Old 05-03-2005, 06:29 AM
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Friendship

There is something that is weighing heavy on my mind. My H tells me that I have no friends, and that I push everyone away from me. He says to me look at all the people that like him and he is friends with, and he says that I have none.

His family dont like me, (mom and sister), the neighbors dont like me anymore that is. But my H is the life of the party, or the person that is always willing to lend a hand. I am always the frantic one getting my kids home for bed, I dont drink. I complain because of the drinking, does it make sense that I expect way to much from my friendships and from myself to keep a friendship.

I want to make friends, but I am not sure how.

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Old 05-03-2005, 06:38 AM
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the girl can't help it
 
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((((emily))))

You are my friend and I am yours. I think of you often and have not ever felt like you demand too much of me. I look forward to your post. I hope that you will be able to find a way to reach out and have more friends. I see you growing and when you grow I also grow. God bless you ((((emily))))
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Old 05-03-2005, 06:53 AM
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hello

You sound like a nice person to me.

I isolated myself for years because I suffered from depression. It's hard to be the life of the party when you're depressed! Now that I'm in treatment for depression, and feeling normal for the first time in years, I find out that my daughter is an alcoholic.

Life sure throws some curve balls at you....

I understand what it feels like to be sad, and lonely. It was really hard for me to reach out to others when I was depressed. Now that I'm not depressed anymore, I'm actually making friends, and getting out and joining groups, etc...

I hope to get to know you better here.

Robin
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Old 05-03-2005, 07:02 AM
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emily - you are my friend too and i really mean that - even tho you don't live down the road. there are friends and there are acquaintences. just because your ah is the life of the party and willing to lend a hand, hmm...maybe that's his way of being accepted, boosting his self esteem?

i just think you need to reach out as you have here and you will begin to form some relationships. is there anyone at work or al-anon meetings that you think you might want to strike up a friendship with? i don't have many close friends, but i don't think quantity counts when it comes to friends - quality is definitely the name of the game.
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Old 05-03-2005, 07:28 AM
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My perception of friendship maybe all wrong, there is a couple of girls at work that I talk to all the time. I have never done anything outside of work with them.

There is another girl at work I talk to quite a bit also, I have gone to her house a couple of times for Christmas cookie exchanges, but that is the extent of it.

I consider them my friends!!

I have stopped going to Alanon meetings on Fridays, which I need to find another meeting that is not on Friday's, my son is now playing baseball 4 nights a week and my daughter is doing ballay, one night and I work 40 hours. But I do know that i need to find a Saturday meeting, maybe that will help.

Thank you everyone here, you are all my friends too I wish we could do lunch!!

Do you ever get that loniless of closeness with someone?? Another very important reason, to start taking care of myself, I have been lost for so long, that I have isolated myself and my life has revolved around taking care of kids and a house and a job and a AH.

I guess it is quite typical, for every idea that I get and want to do, like my yoga idea, my H shoots it down, by telling me how stupid it is. I think that is because of his insecurities.
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Old 05-03-2005, 07:36 AM
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the girl can't help it
 
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You do not have to agree with him by not doing it though. Try telling yourself it is just his opinion and you are right he probably is insecure....

you also might want to consider that the clown or "life of the party is hiding behind a mask and is often the saddest one at the party and lot's of people who are healthy realize this...
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Old 05-03-2005, 08:26 AM
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Take a look at some posts here...do we not share our fears, thoughts, dreams? Could we do that if we did not feel we were among friends?

Many of us have pals, people we know, people we work with. I suspect your H has many drinking "pals" but no one to really share his real feelings with.

I once read that "a friend is someone who knows your flaws but likes you anyway". That's us!
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Old 05-03-2005, 08:57 AM
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You know too... something to ponder.

Why would he support your outside interests like Yoga? He has the best in life. Think about it... he is an A so does not have to live in the real world and he has a wife that will cook, clean, take care of kids AND work 40 hours a week and bring home the pay check. You probably thank him when he HELPS you out and he only has to say "its stupid" and he gets what he wants.

Where do I sign up for a deal like that.....

Why would he want you to make friends to take away from his little paradise? You need to get out for you, decided what you want and then dont pay any attention to the "life of the party" All parties end and reality sets in.... I have to agree he is covering up some deep issues and his "friends" would not be around him if he was not fun, drinking and clowning around. Real friends are the ones that love you not inspite of your flaws but because of them too....

Let him get real and then see who is the "life of the party"
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Old 05-03-2005, 09:02 AM
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I'm your friend, Emily. As are many people on here.

What your hubby thinks really doesn't mean anything. From what you have told us, most of what he says is BS. Why should it be any different about this?

Do what makes YOU happy, hon, not what he wants.
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Old 05-03-2005, 09:06 AM
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Emily said:
I wish we could do lunch!!
One of these days we'll have to schedule an online meal!

Everyone gets their food, logs onto the chat room and we'll eat and talk!
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Old 05-03-2005, 09:10 AM
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To say something so hurtful is a reflection on him and his lack of feeling - not you!!

I think friends aren't easy to come by and it's because of that they are valuable. I can imagine with kids and work it's difficult to find time to socialise.

But I think you should judge yourself just by your own behaviour not by the rudeness of your husband.

I think the world of my hubby but all of our 'active' friends are through me - no matter what, no matter how tempted, I would never throw that at him. There are things which as human beings we all should recognise as to hurtful to use in a row!! BTW - I don't think he's any less of a good person or good friend than me just because I have more friends, life ain't that simple!
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Old 05-03-2005, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by splendra
You do not have to agree with him by not doing it though. Try telling yourself it is just his opinion and you are right he probably is insecure....

you also might want to consider that the clown or "life of the party is hiding behind a mask and is often the saddest one at the party and lot's of people who are healthy realize this...
That is a great way of thinking about this! Thank you Splendra

Lunch on line sounds great

I want to explore some of my options and see what is out there. I think I shouldt start by going back to church, maybe a great place to start!!
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Old 05-03-2005, 09:42 AM
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Emily,
I didn't read everyones posts to you yet but I just wanted to tell you my take on this.
My exAfiancee always told me the same thing. He would make comments like "do you really think so and so likes you?" or "so and so said this or that about you." Mind you these were "bar people." I always told him I do not count those people as friends, merely acquaintances. My real friends are the ones I go to the movies with, dine with, go shopping with and have long conversations on the phone with. They are not the ones that are in a bar slurring their words and complaining about how unfair life is for them. Because he is an A he has no "real friends" wouldn't even begin to know what a real friend is, for if he did he would have recognized that I was "his best friend." A's are insecure they love to transfer their negative feelings on to us.
From all your postings I can see that you are a loving, kind person and consider you a friend as well. Please remember what we are dealing with, that may help a bit.
Love, Patty
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Old 05-03-2005, 10:08 AM
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He wants me to feel down, Isolated and alone, because when I feel good he feels threatened. When I want to branch off and be independent he feels threatened also. He felt threatened because of Alanon, he felt threatened because of SR, he didnt want me to join yoga because it was "Stupid"

He is not going to like anything I do is he??? He is scared of me making friends and being independent, he is scared of any choices I may make, unless he is the center of them.

That sucks for him, but I have to stop letting him run my life, he isnt happy no matter what. So why not enjoy some things that I like to do and make a few new friends in the process.

An acquaitance has asked me to join curves, I said no, the same person invited me and my H to her house to play poker, I declined. My H didnt want to go, and there would probably be drinking there. But I have to realize just because there is drinking there it shouldnt stop me from going, because one I never drink, two, if I did It would probably be only one, if they had stawberry daquiris.

I havent broken out of isolation yet have I???? It's TIME.............................whewwwwwwwwwwwwww ww hooooooooooooooooooo
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Old 05-03-2005, 10:11 AM
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WOOOHOOOO..... CAN I HEAR AN AMEN!!!!!


You are so on the right track sweetie.... HUGS TO YOU.
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Old 05-03-2005, 10:14 AM
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The only friend that he has is his alcohol. when it is gone so will his other pals be. And he will come crawling back to you . Who was his real true friend. Then you will need to make a real decision. You cannot change him. YOU can only change you. By making yourself happy and secure in your life and detacing and realizing that his problems are his and his alone, only he can make the decision to change. So, until that happens, you need to work on making yourself and your kids lives liveable and somewhat happy and contented. Remember this too shall pass. I am your friend and God is your true best friend, at least he wants to be, if you'll open your heart to him. I pray that all goes well.for you.
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Old 05-03-2005, 10:31 AM
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Emily, NOTHING you do or don't do will make a difference to anyone but you.

You take responsibility for what Emily does, where Emily goes and how Emily feels and allow him the room to take responsibility for what he does, goes and feels.

Please sit down...I don't want to shock you but--- believe it or not, you can play poker without him. You can go to Yoga AND enjoy it, without his consent. You can go to a gym, have lunch with friends, run around the block...do anything that doesn't involve breaking your marriage vows and FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT!

And those who care about you will encourage you to, as the army says, be all you can be.
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Old 05-03-2005, 11:20 AM
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Emily you have many friends here. Friendship has many meanings to many people.
"Friends. A simple word isn't it? It's uttered everyday to almost every person imaginable. Who are your friends? I used to think that friends were the people that you could laugh and talk to. Now I know that friends aren't that, they're the people that touch ur heart. You could spend hours with them doing nothing at all and it can be the best time of your life, just becuase it was with them. They're the people you can
share your secrets with, cry with, laugh with, and just have fun with. They don't judge you or make you change. They accept you exactly as you are. They look at you and they see a great person, one they love spending time with. You all share something in common and are tied together by memories, tears, laughs and smiles. You're tied together by love for the other. Friendship is the strangest but greatest thing in the world. I find my time with my friends, the best times of my life. My friends are my heart, my soul, my fun, my laughter, tears, love and my life." -Kate Tierney
Emily... "My friend, if I could give you one thing, I would wish for you the ability to see yourself as others see you. Then you would realize what a truly special person you are."
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Old 05-03-2005, 11:59 AM
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Bluester, your post just touched my heart in an unbelievable way, thank you
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Old 05-03-2005, 02:13 PM
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Dear Emily,

I went through the same thing years ago. He was the life of the party. He was the drunken fool and idiot. Everyone else was too. I wasn't. I was the dull and boring wife and mother who sat back and watched everyone else have fun. Now I know that the only way they could have fun was with the booze. They were just as boring as myself without the booze.

I got the same crap from mine and I told him that I would rather be by myself then have to associate with a bunch of idiots. This didn't sit with him very well, of course. My reply was directed at him, but he took it that I didn't like his friends. Which was true too.

It's all part of the game of putting the blame on you. I can say that I never did join in just to be part of the crowd. These same people are still a bunch of boozers...and their lives are stuck somewhere in the universe that doesn't make sense to me. You, me and others who deal with alcoholism on such a personal basis are so much farther along than they are. We're showing the knowledge and wisdom that comes with dealing with addictions and are making the effort to get better.

These so called friends and some family no longer associate with us now that he went into rehab 18 years ago. At first it didn't bother him. It took years before he realized they never were friends. This gang, now he says, was a click of drinkers who thought they were above reproach and that the world was screwed up. Not them.

At this stage in my life, if they were the only people available to be friends with, I'd go it alone. I've got several lady friends at my alanon group. As a couple, we don't have friends. Everyone we know drinks. We've gotten invitations, but they always ask us to bring a bottle or to meet them in a bar. We wouldn't do that. Now having our recovering son home with us, it's totally out of the question. They may think we're being stuffy or stuckup, but I'm not going to go into details why we won't associate wtih them.

You're a gem. You've got friends here with us.

Love and hugs
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