quietsins

there is wisdom out there that says as long as you hang onto any part of a past relationship, you are not moving forward.

does that apply to alanon? and to the soberrecovery board? are we just fostering false hope in things we truly have to let go of for our own sakes? does posting to these boards keep us trapped in relationships ghosts that we need to let go of?

i would love to hear what others have to say. for myself, i love what i have learned in alanon, but i am ready to move forward with my life and am pondering getting rid of all my readings books and other alanon approved literature. he is dead to me except in prayer. perhaps i need to bury my books to move forward in a healthy way.

any thoughts are welcome.
quietsins

CodeMaster

I'm really glad you posted this because I almost posted the same question just last week.

I really do want to let go, and I feel my life is doing a fantastic job moving forward I've been really happy with an awesome new home, awesome friends, awesome bike, awesome blessings of all kinds, life is so grand without this disease in my life and becoming self aware and learning more about myself has become so worth the experiencing of going through hell with an A.

I've thought I'd really like to get off this board only because everytime I come here, I cant help but think of my exA.

The delima is, I am learning so much here and this board keeps me so sane when I go wondering...

I figured I'm definitly over confident if I feel I'm healed in less then a month, so I figured my plan is to just keep coming here and learning despite the pain and check out AA / Al-Anon while I'm at it, but yet move forward with life and fun is the order of the day!

fingerscrossed

I am still trying to understand how my relationship broke apart, and it all happened after I confronted my BF about his drinking 2 months ago---that was the beginning of the end. My friends don't understand, but reading the posts is helping me to grasp how the alcoholism caused the break up and it also helps me realize that life with an A would not have been the grand dream that I had going in my head. Yet I do realize that I need to move on....but right now I am searching for answers and struggling with understanding something I never really had thought about much before.

Savana 54

Wow! I was thinking almost the same thing as QS and CodeMaster. On one hand I feel like coming to these boards and the walls of Al-Anon keep reminding me of my Ex. But on the otherhand there is a wealth of information that I can use on a daily basis.

When do you draw the line...??

FriendofBill

Oh my god!

You give me the shivers with that post!! Ive tried that route. Left Al anon cus "He" got sober, and "we" got divorced. What I found out was I was still left with "ME". And since I have been and will ALWAYS be affected by the disease of addiciton, I still need help and support.

The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says if you think you can do it alone, to go out and try some more "Controlled drinking (Substitute drinking for "thinking"), then you should give it a try.

Been there, done that, and pray to God I NEVER go there again.

Im a lifer, here in this program of recovery. Thank you God, for that belief!

wraybear

I have thought about this question too. Since I haven't "let go" of my A totally, I can't imagine life without support. However, I have talked to the leader of my group about this same question and he has seen people that stop working on their recovery because they don't think they need it anymore now that the A is out of their life or they think they have learned as much as they can on how to live with an A, and usually about a year later some of those same people pop back up to meetings.

I look at it as a way to live in a healthy way... with relatives, with friends, with acquaintences, with bosses, with co-workers, with employee's, with children, etc. regardless if they are A's or not.

The past 1 1/2 years that I have been in a group, has probably helped me more at work and with my older children and of course, myself, than with my A. Hmmmm, very interesting.

Savana 54

Thanks FOB and Wray; think I will keep going Glad to know I wasn't the only one thinking that same thing.

mendingheart

I have thought about this investment........if I truely am letting go of him, then why am I investing so much time and effort into something that he is not? Well, I did not get the lesson the first time around. I was with an A for eight years.....finally cut the ties from the crazies after my Alanon meetings gave me direction. (He was an isolated closet drinker)
Now I have stumbled again.....this time into a secretive Vicodin addiction.
SO, my lessons are never ending , and until I figure out the draw here......well, I choose to remain.......I gain a little something from each page, whether it is applicable to now, or my past or making me a better future.
The good thing is I am stronger and a whole lot more aware and informed now.
Education is key, and this keeps me in the class.

walkingtheline

I agree with mending heart.

I find so much wisdom here. It knocks me over some times! And it doesn't just apply to A's or dealing with/living with an A, it applies to many difficulties.

I go to one meeting a week, early so it doesn't eat into my time or disrupt my day. It's just an enhancement, like any class. Sometimes I attend the online meeting as well.

Support, at least to me, matters. It's like a study group...I learn more when I'm interacting!

dax

I think some people come into alanon so isolated by the drunk in their life, they have no friends or support. These are the people that stay in alanon- it becomes kind of a group of friends. Others either leave the alcoholic or stay and things get better. They have other interests in their lives besides spending their lives rehashing endlessly alcololism. They move on . Too most it is not a matter of life or death if an alanon stays once she resolves to stay or go or sobriety happens- then she may still go. Some are so sick and isolated, alanon is a comfort for life. It is an individual choice-no right or wrong. dax

Ann

Something I learned early in my recovery is that my program isn't about "them" at all. It's about ME learning a new way to live, independently instead of codependently, and has given me insight into how I can be the best person I can be...for me.

I haven't seen or heard from my son in months, he is still "out there". That's not why I am here. I am here because I have been growing in this program for many years now, and I like what I see...in me.

It's a choice I made and make daily, to work my program or not. From experience, I can tell you that "not" is no longer an option. "Not" takes me right back to where I was. Whereever I go, I take me with me, and the "me" that I am today has found true freedom through this program.

Hugs
Ann

Magichappens

My recovery in Al-Anon is mine. The 12 steps are a process that has given me a way to find and have a relationship with a higher power. It has brought peace and purpose to my life. In turn, the 12th step tells me that in order to keep that, I have to continue to apply these principles in an ever deepening way, and to help others to achieve the same spiritual awakening. The service and 12th step work I do are wonderfully rewarding and freeing.

Does this have anything to do with the alcoholic in my life? Only that it was the avenue in which I found this wonderful path. Without the pain there would have been no need to find a new way.

Letting go, for me, doesn't mean shutting the door on the past. It means turning it over to a higher power to help me learn and grow from it. It means that I can turn my darkest hour into my greatest asset.

In working the Al-Anon program, I have found that the problem wasn't anywhere but inside myself. So were the answers. They still are. Such valuable lessons would be hard to turn my back on. I have a feeling that I've only scratched the surface of what I can learn through living this simple spiritual program. Hugs, Magic

jojo

To stay or to go? I have chosen to stick around here for a few reasons. The people on this Board helped to save my sanity when I was desperate. I hardly knew which end was up I was so distraught about my husband's alcoholism. I stumbled in here and found so much help. I left my husband a year ago, moved to another state and although I did continue to talk to him when he called I haven't heard from him in months. I am at peace and it feels good. I stick around because I hope that maybe I can help someone else who is as desperate as I was. To me, it is part of my healing process. I know that it helps to talk to someone who has been through it and come out the other side whether it be through leaving or finding a way to stay and be happier.

Jo

CodeMaster

JOJO, That is so true and I am so grateful for this very board (more then Al-Anon even) to saving my sanity. I felt I healed faster and more properly from this "therapy" and support and sharing from many whom amazingly can be found to share near identical stories, at near identical times, its really AMAZING.

For that, I feel I decided to myself I wont ever forget the help this board has given me and really changed my life, I'm ever so grateful.

I still have a lot to learn, and I hope I maybe able to help others sometimes too.

CAPTAINZING2000

Chris K.

alkie here. Sometimes, I have to step back and get a way for a bit. I've got several 24 hours clean and sober. All the insanity has left me. I still read what people are going thru on the boards and You feel helpless for the person.

Reading what other people go thru, keeps me humble and grateful today. I try to keep a good relationship with a H.P and it seems to help. I only wish, I could sell my H.P better to other people. When, someone is suffering on theses boards and used to being a victim or, using to escape, it's harder to convince them that (G@D) is there for them.

Take a step back from the boards. If, you're not helping your self or others stay away for a while. The great thing about being on here is, watching people's lives get better




Chris

minnie

I can so relate to this.

I have wondered whether coming to SR was holding me back from my new life without the A. I know that Al-anon is for me and I don't seem to have the same dilemma about whether to continue meetings or not. But there is much more focus on the A on these boards than there is at meetings and I have felt frustrated at times.

However, I look at it this way. SR led me to my new way of healthier thinking. I would not have started to resolve the issues inside me if it hadn't been for all the wonderful people on these boards. I want to give something back now. This is not about the A, this is about all of us who live with, or have lived with, alcoholism. It is also a very good test of my own recovery. Can I hep without rescuing? Can I share instead of telling? (The answer is quite often NO, but I'm working on it!). And I learn something every single time I come on here.

If all of us who have got on the right path don't stick around, who will be there to help the newcomer?

gelfling

All of this...SR and alanon is mine. My therapy, my mental health, my spiritual growth. It has helped me take the attention off the drinkers in my life. My take on it is that when I read the posts here, I may see something that will help me grow and get stronger. The effects of the alcoholism are long lasting. And at the same time, for me, it's an amazing ongoing therapy session. I've read things that weren't alcohol related, but dysfunctional related. My home life as a child. There was no booze in our house until my 2 aunts started drinking. That later escalated into as my son calls "raging alcoholics".

Leaving something or someone who is helping me would be the worse thing I could do. Like recovery for the alcoholic, it's a life long process.

newbeginings

This recovery is definitely for me. And if I don't heal myself, I'm destined to repeat my past mistakes. Many people in alanon have told me that they are "magnets" for addicted personalities. It is only their continuing in alanon that they notice it right away and steer clear. I never intent to make this mistake again. I will continue to heal me.

cwohio

i started with al-anon about the same time i "discovered" SR. i too feel like the sharing done here is different than at al-anon meetings but find both recovery tools necessary for the "slow learner" in me because SR helps give me the bigger picture while al-anon reinforces the need to focus on myself and my recovery.

while my life is no bed of roses, there have been some positive changes since i started to go to al-anon & SR. the feeling of peace i get after attending my meeting is like no other.

Live

I no longer attend face to face meetings since the acoholic relationship ended but I still come to the boards, as I my life has gone one, I have gone to other forums on the board. I did not throw away my al-anon but I have also studied other disciplines of health and layered my education. There is a slice of just about any kind of life here that one can relate to, wherever on the path I am. I also have the opportunity to try to give back and grow with the boards.
I was very ill when I first stumbled in here. SR was critical in helping save my life.
Today I am more well and happy than I have ever been. And I am busy living life and getting on with my purposes. I have made some very dear friends here. Met and am meeting inspiring people.
I went away from the boards for about a year.
But I have come back. Because this is where people work our REAL life.
oops, I almost forgot, you can choose which threads you choose to read and/or participate in. I am learning that if I don't need it or I can't help or if I don't have all the time, I try to find what is fruitful.
For me, this board is alot about friendship.
live