He WON'T go away
 

I have been away from my EX for 2 yrs now - we were separated for a yr and have been divorced a year. He has moved to Colorado but still contacts me, begging for another chance, for an explanation, for compassion - for ANYTHING. I took a big step today and blocked him from my instant messenger. (thanks for the encouragement on the chat last night!)

There is a small part of me that misses how we were, but then I remember the really awful times - and there were many. Furthermore, I don't think we were ever as deliriously happy as he makes it sound.... I think we were blissfully ignorant of the pain and confusion all around us! Denial sure is ugly sometimes, isnt it?

So I know I did the right thing by blocking him... but I am worried about the next time he contacts me. I want to continue to be strong and do the right thing, and that is to NOT let him back into my life... even through cyberspace.

How do you do it? How do you set those strong boundaries that protect yourself when you know those same boundaries are hurting someone else who is/was special to you???

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Osier59

Hi Osier,

The truth is painful, but much less painful than waiting with hope. He will find out the truth sooner or later. The longer you wait the worse it will be for him. Each day that he goes on with hope is a day that he gives a little more of his power away.

It's like putting your money into a slot machine hoping for the payoff. When you realize there will be no payoff it is too late becasue you are left with nothing.

If your serious and sure that this relationship is over then the kind thing to do would be to cut all contact.

Maybe after a few years you can be friends again. I have a good friendship with an ex-boyfriend after cutting it off for 5 years.

It just might make things easier on you too. This must be sucking the life out of you.

Hugs and thanks for your support,
MG

I understand how you feel and I wish I had stronger boundaries myself. I don't know the answer but I believe that I will find a way if I concentrate on myself and get stronger. Somehow I think that eliminating contact is the right thing to do because it feels so hard. We are so used to accomidating others and taking care of them. Now it is all about you. If it hurts him that you need time alone and to be separate from him, then so be it. This time is for you. It is such an effort to focus all the attention on ourselves. Good luck and remember to keep breathing......your sail is coming.

Hi 59,

I'm in the same situation. I've been separated for 2 years. My ex wants to get back together and is really laying it on thick. He thinks of how things used to be as great. I don't remember things as being great. Of course even good marriages have problems and after time we tend to forget all the bad and remember the good. There were alot of good times but more bad times for me. He doesn't remember them as bad because he was always at a bar coming home drunk and not remembering anything the next morning.

I don't know what to do or how to get rid of him once and for all. I feel like I'll be stuck with him forever even if I don't want to be just because that's what he wants and won't leave me alone. He's trying to hard. He expects things to happen over night. He keeps pushing and pushing. Nothing really has changed with him. He still doesn't show me any respect which really pisses me off.

Girl, I feel for you. If you come up with a solution let me know. I could use some advise on this myself.

Hugs,
Galnva

AAAARGH
I typed a long response here a few minutes ago and lost everything! Guess thats how these computers work sometimes.

I appreciate everything you have said... I have to remind myself that our relationship is TOXIC and that means its unhealthy for me no matter what. I can still care about him but not let him back into my life. I guess thats what detachment is all about. He is truly the most manipulative and insecure person I have ever met, but on the outside he is charming and witty and totally together. It's easier now that he has moved away, but he is still trying to contact me through "friends" from our old church who don't have a CLUE what our life was like behind closed doors. Time and distance have made our past a bit less raw and painful, but I need the reminders so that I don't lighten up and let him back in.

Thanks for being here. You guys help me more than you can know!!

Osier,
Wow, just wanted to tell you that I have had a problem allowing my A back around....he lives in a nearby city, and it seems to go really well when I do not hear from him. The instant I know he is in town though......it drives me nutsy....

Just wanted to say your not alone!!!

Love you!

I know I could not wait to get him out of here....when he was here I would look at him sleeping and get so $%^&*()_ madddddddddddddddd! It has been almost 7 weeks since I had him removed from the house.
All I can see now are couples EVERYWHERE! I get crazy just seeing them...ugly couples look good to me.
I like not having to be crazy evveryday................but maybe that is what I miss the insanity!
I have no real answer
Love kitty:(