Savana 54

I let him get to me. I was at the Mall, and he called; the first time in a week. The first thing he said was "how in the hel* can you afford to do anything when you don't have a job?" He proceeded to say that I must have a new boyfriend and that I'm such a ****. That he knows I must not be going to Al-Anon as I should be staying home if I truly loved him.

He said he was *thinking* about moving back in, but isn't now since I basically showed him that I don't care by doing things for myself. He called back the second time after I said I had to go since I didn't want to argue; that's when I lost it and layed into him. I did exactly what he wanted me to do. I feel so weak.

He constantly manipulates me about going out; I've only gone out twice in the last month, and it had been over two years ago since I had gone out, the last time was with him before he became sober. It hurts to know that he doesn't want to come back, but then again I know he isn't *all there* much these days.

walkingtheline

Let's see:

He calls you a ****

wants to control where you are even when he's not around

But is thinking of moving in

I have no idea how you layed into him but had it been me I would have told him that name calling is just not respectful, hung up the phone and blocked his number.

((((Savana 54)))) You deserve so much better.

gelfling

ditto to what walking said.

He's not living with you...what you do is none of his business. And even if you were together, I'd hope you wuold still do things to make yourself happy.

KATIE77

Wow how can he!!!!! He is probably so annoyed as he sees you getting on with your life, getting healthy, doing things for you. AND GOOD ON YA!!!! You carry on. Just because he hasn`t got anyone doting around for him he can`t deal with it. Well its hard tough. He had his chance and blew it!!
I really hope you do meet someone who can treat you like the precious and beautiful person you are and deserve to be treated. Keep it up!! ((HUG))

Cynay

Dont you dare call yourself weak after all you have been through and You are building a life. That is how he wants you to feel... like you did something wrong.

So you lost it on him, *shrugs* we are practing to be healthy, not saints. You just keep doing what your doing and dont let him interfear with the good things you do for you... he is just being an A....

Take care of you and dont worry one whit what he thinks. He does not want you to be happy without him, so he will try to hurt you. Next time dont answer his call, He created this, now he is upset that he cant control your recover??? OH PLEASE!

FriendofBill

Just typical alcoholic manipulation. Dont buy it,its not your crap, its his.
Dont answer the phone next time.

We teach people how to treat us,,,start teaching him a new way, that unacceptable language is UNACCEPTABLE!

Savana 54

Thanks for all the kind replies

I just feel so low since I bought into his anger. I fought anger with anger, instead of being calm like I WAS doing. I said some really, really awful things to him. I resorted back to my old ways. For that I'm ashamed.

I gave him the satisfaction that he needed, in order for him to say that I haven't changed, and therefore he wasn't coming back home.

I want to let go of the insanity that I find myself in with him. All that I can do is pray and keep going to Al-Anon.

CodeMaster

He wants you to believe your weak, he's using a lot of manipulation and guilt and fear tactics. Please make yourself self aware of this by staying away from him, as your sanity comes back, you can see this all too clearly. Sanity can only start coming when you stop running yourself into the concrete wall, even if its just a soft hit against that wall.

Best wishes to you always.

lrywin

Savana 54:

I feel for you; I've been there.

Two things I do that really help clarify things:

1) Would I want anyone to talk to my daughter [call her a ****]? So even if I can't see it for me, I have no problem seeing it for her. Use a friend if you have no daughter.

2) It's okay to walk away, hang up the phone, say no, don't even answer the phone, etc. I didn't know, for whatever reason, that it was okay to walk away. I thought I had to stay around to resolve it. Every time. Sometimes the best resolution is to walk away. Not angry, not forever, not anything. Just walk away for the moment.

You're worth so much more than somebody calling you names.

cwohio

savanah - yeah - we have "slips" too - i too have been there. for whatever reason you just "break" and the old, comfortable, reactions come out.

be easy on yourself!!!

Savana 54

Thanks cwohio! I really need to remember that I'm only human and I too will stumble and sort of "relapse" back into my old ways.

minnie

One thing I've learnt is that just because my phone rings, doesn't mean I have to answer it.

Minx1969

And I've learned that I don't have to stay on the phone during an alcoholic tirade!

Funny but before AlAnon I sat there and listened to it..Someone in the meeting actually suggested I politely tell him I was hanging up and do it..

Amazing - it never occurred to me!