Lightbulb moment.
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Join Date: May 2004
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Lightbulb moment.
This isn't your typical lightbulb moment, but I wanted to share with you anyways.
I was arguing with a friend today. I've been trying really hard to break down that wall of anger that I hide behind, I evaluate what I'm really feeling and then I open up and tell how I'm really feeling. (Believe me, this has been hard. I have that angry wall of protection up pretty darn high!)
So anyways, today we were having an arguement and I was ranting. When suddenly something came out of my mouth that stopped me dead in my tracks.
After explaining and giving examples, "AH was always out drinking, AH was out golfing, so and so was always working, etc etc etc" (you get the picture), I ended this big rantfest with "I am ALWAYS by myself!!!!!!!!!!" At this point, I could feel the tears the beginning so I just left. There was really nothing left to say anyways and I felt like I'd just smacked myself in the face with this newfound realization.
So I was driving home and thinking about this. And it's true - I am always by myself! From as far back as I can remember in my childhood, I've always been alone. My brother was alot older than me so he wasn't home, my Dad worked 2nd shift throughout my childhood, my Mom was always at her mom's house up the street from us - I was alone.
When I married AH, he was always out drinking, playing golf, fishing with his friends, going on camping weekends with his friends, out 3-wheeling or 4-wheeling, etc. I was alone! And even when he was home, he sat in front of the tv.
I remember many times telling him that I was the only married person that I knew that was so lonely and that I was married to myself. (Yea, that made him mad and he disagreed)
I called my best friend when I got home and told her about this conversation and lightbulb ah ha moment. She told me that I'd mentioned to her many times over how much time I am alone. I told her that it always irritated me when women felt they weren't complete without a man and that wasn't what I had meant. And she said she knew this, that I was just always by myself. She went on to point out things I've commented on - and she was right. I've made comments - but it's never really dawned on me before like it did today.
I'm not one of those women that need a man to be happy. I'm not even one that needs to be surrounded with people all the time. But you know, I do get lonely sometimes. My kids are beyond the age of wanting to play and hang out with mom, ya know? And it really hit hit me today that what I said was the absolute honest truth! I am always alone!!!!!!!!
So I sit here and I wonder....in a weird kind of way....is it possible that is why I accepted so easily when AH would always be out with his friends? Is this why when my friends would be out with their husbands that I felt happy for them and yet wished I had someone to hang out with? But back to the first question - Is this why I accepted so easily when Ah would always be out with his friends????????? Cause I'd always been alone anyways!!!!!!
Hmmm...just something to ponder.
Anyone else a loner by choice or circumstance think this makes sense?
I was arguing with a friend today. I've been trying really hard to break down that wall of anger that I hide behind, I evaluate what I'm really feeling and then I open up and tell how I'm really feeling. (Believe me, this has been hard. I have that angry wall of protection up pretty darn high!)
So anyways, today we were having an arguement and I was ranting. When suddenly something came out of my mouth that stopped me dead in my tracks.
After explaining and giving examples, "AH was always out drinking, AH was out golfing, so and so was always working, etc etc etc" (you get the picture), I ended this big rantfest with "I am ALWAYS by myself!!!!!!!!!!" At this point, I could feel the tears the beginning so I just left. There was really nothing left to say anyways and I felt like I'd just smacked myself in the face with this newfound realization.
So I was driving home and thinking about this. And it's true - I am always by myself! From as far back as I can remember in my childhood, I've always been alone. My brother was alot older than me so he wasn't home, my Dad worked 2nd shift throughout my childhood, my Mom was always at her mom's house up the street from us - I was alone.
When I married AH, he was always out drinking, playing golf, fishing with his friends, going on camping weekends with his friends, out 3-wheeling or 4-wheeling, etc. I was alone! And even when he was home, he sat in front of the tv.
I remember many times telling him that I was the only married person that I knew that was so lonely and that I was married to myself. (Yea, that made him mad and he disagreed)
I called my best friend when I got home and told her about this conversation and lightbulb ah ha moment. She told me that I'd mentioned to her many times over how much time I am alone. I told her that it always irritated me when women felt they weren't complete without a man and that wasn't what I had meant. And she said she knew this, that I was just always by myself. She went on to point out things I've commented on - and she was right. I've made comments - but it's never really dawned on me before like it did today.
I'm not one of those women that need a man to be happy. I'm not even one that needs to be surrounded with people all the time. But you know, I do get lonely sometimes. My kids are beyond the age of wanting to play and hang out with mom, ya know? And it really hit hit me today that what I said was the absolute honest truth! I am always alone!!!!!!!!
So I sit here and I wonder....in a weird kind of way....is it possible that is why I accepted so easily when AH would always be out with his friends? Is this why when my friends would be out with their husbands that I felt happy for them and yet wished I had someone to hang out with? But back to the first question - Is this why I accepted so easily when Ah would always be out with his friends????????? Cause I'd always been alone anyways!!!!!!
Hmmm...just something to ponder.
Anyone else a loner by choice or circumstance think this makes sense?
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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I realized that I accepted a lot of things because of the way my childhood was. II couldn't fix my mom (she suffers from depression), so I tried to fix my AH (who always seems so down in the dumps).
I also realized that when I was growing up I felt like my feelings didn't matter, therefore I accepted it into my adult life. Well, guess what? My feelings do matter and I'm going to be heard.
I love my lightbulb moments..... Haven't had any lately though.
I also realized that when I was growing up I felt like my feelings didn't matter, therefore I accepted it into my adult life. Well, guess what? My feelings do matter and I'm going to be heard.
I love my lightbulb moments..... Haven't had any lately though.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
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Oh, I love it when we get moments like this!!
I've been through a similar thought process in the past with my counsellor. He asked me whether I had unwittingly sought out partners that would continue the pattern. Not just that I accepted the unacceptable, but I subconsciously made sure that was what I was getting into. Hmmm. Let's see...
My Mum, like Jess', suffered from depression. My Dad worked a lot. Now, I always thought we had a close family, but I always felt like I couldn't upset the apple cart by really sharing my thoughts and problems. My first LTR was when I was 17 and I was with him for 10 years. He was sports mad. Soccer, golf, cycling, you name it. I always came second best. Vacations had to fit around his sports schedule. My second LTR was an A. Don't need to elaborate on what that means. Maybe there's something in this.....
Like JT says, keep going with this. This is a biggie.
Love
Minnie
xx
Oh, I love it when we get moments like this!!
I've been through a similar thought process in the past with my counsellor. He asked me whether I had unwittingly sought out partners that would continue the pattern. Not just that I accepted the unacceptable, but I subconsciously made sure that was what I was getting into. Hmmm. Let's see...
My Mum, like Jess', suffered from depression. My Dad worked a lot. Now, I always thought we had a close family, but I always felt like I couldn't upset the apple cart by really sharing my thoughts and problems. My first LTR was when I was 17 and I was with him for 10 years. He was sports mad. Soccer, golf, cycling, you name it. I always came second best. Vacations had to fit around his sports schedule. My second LTR was an A. Don't need to elaborate on what that means. Maybe there's something in this.....
Like JT says, keep going with this. This is a biggie.
Love
Minnie
xx
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I've been lonely most of my marriage. I wasn't lonely most of my life so it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.
I will say that this lonely thing drove me to tell AH to either put up or shut up. He goes from project to project trying to get things accomplished that he's had "on a list" for 8 years. He looks like a deer in headlights most of the time. Hahahahahahah!!!!!
I will say that this lonely thing drove me to tell AH to either put up or shut up. He goes from project to project trying to get things accomplished that he's had "on a list" for 8 years. He looks like a deer in headlights most of the time. Hahahahahahah!!!!!
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