So where did you meet your alcoholic lover and why do you guess you got together?
 

Wondering where people met their A's and if we are honest enough with ourselves, to guess why we hooked up with such people.

I've only had one known alcoholic gf (my last) but funny enough, now I look back, I dated a asian girl for a month who drank every night and blacked out everynight. Now that I understand alcoholism, I'd say she was one too....

Where I met:
I met both at clubs (hurm.... hurm... wonder if that is a ... clue....)

Why I was attracted:
Regarding my A-Ex, I got with her out of desperation to fill this empty void in my heart ASAP. Anyone descently cute would work... I broke up with a normal girl and found myself rushing to find someone else to fill this emptiness and was dating the A-Ex just 3 months after breaking up with last one. At the time it didnt feel like jumping ship, but now I look back, I can see much more clearly I have a codie problem and lack of self esteem. I rushed into that relationship so fast, we were living together before I even knew who the hell she was... slept together in just a few days... I think all these things are roots to a long lasting unstable relationship. I tried to leave, she wouldnt let me, I kept giving her chances... lessons all learned, all good.

You?

I met mine in High School... He asked me for a date, I was thrilled! We met at the mall arcade after I got off work one Friday night. His foster father was there... they were arguing about something, FF was threatening that if H went out with me that evening he would be out on the street..the whole scene was very strange but I found out later that FF was an A & was drunk at the time... I immediately & instinctively went into a "I can save him" codie way of thinking...we've been together ever since -20 1/2 years. I have no idea why I took on that role I was only 16 & grew up in a non-A family....

Ahhhh I met my ex-ABF through a mutual friend.

It was during a time in my life that was one of the most low I can remember and at that time I was drinking alot too (self medicate the counceler says) so I did not notice his drinking.... though his personality did not change much like it did later. It was convient and I knew I was going to move to CA in a few months so what the heck right.

He subleased my apt in case I did not like the job in CA so we lived together for 2 months before I left, That was the best time I have ever had with him....he was so wonderful, attentive, so alive with plans and happy. We were so compatable ... During the 3 months I was in CA we saw each other, talked everyday and then he asked if I was happy over there ... when I said no he asked if I would move back and we would start a life together.... he just bought a base business and the plan is I would market it and run the office and we would build it together and get married.... When I moved back was the begining of the end.

I have given alot of thought on how I ended up with him, everyone I know was suprised because we are so different, called unequally yoked. Life was hell from the time I moved back to the breakup.... I honestly think I was at such a low point in my life when I met him, everyone close to me was disapointed in me, expected me to do better then the mess I got into (that is a story on its own... but basically it was because of a guy) He on the other hand was at a high point.... and he reached out to me. He said he never in a million years thought he could be with someone like me (not sure if he ment he thought I was shallow) and he did my ego good. I did leave him at one point but then my mother died and after I got back he was there and I felt alone... really alone. I should have ended it then (1 year ago) but he was seeing a counceler and getting help *ha ha* and I thought we might beat the odds...*shrugs* Looks like the odds not only beat us... I got knocked out in the process

oh,codemaster.....do you SEE what you wrote there??? ive been reading your posts.....please be careful and dont jump into anything too soon again!!!!
i met my last one thru work. i dont think it is true that everyone you meet at a bar or club is gonna have a problem. probable,but not true in all cases.
i have been trying to figure out if i myself have a "pattern" i know that i am not co-dependent. my second husband,who i met in a bar (well, a bowling alley bar,where i was working) was not any kind of addict. but it still didnt work out.we were together five years,had one break-up for about four months in all that time.
i think,for me--the problem is i dont know them well enough before i comitt to the relationship,and/or think im in love.i also think the younger we are, and the less experience we have, the more nieve we are. about alot of things.
i am probably alot older than many on here, and i have had numerous relationships of all types. i can tell you all, by experience that you do not know someone until you have been with them a long time.oh sure, some people you know right away,that you are not a suitable match,but with others you have to see each other in all kinds of situations.
someone once told me, date someone thru four seasons before you make any serious decisions.....and i think that has some validity in it.

I met my A in a bar....hmmm, hmmmm :thinking: I was going through a really rough point in my life; still haven't shared that story with you all; so I went to live with a friend from college in a tiny, rural town to get away from city life and my hectic job as a Paralegal.

I never expected to stay there but a few months and help out as her "nanny," as she worked many hours. One night her and I went out, and I met him; he was at the bar drinking with his A Father. :thinking:

He persued the hell out of me, I in turn wasn't looking for a relationship; just someone to hang out with on occasion. He couldn't believe someone with a college education, decent personality, and good looks (his words, not mine) would want to be with him. He never thought he was good enough. I liked him because he was very sweet, giving, and kind. Eventually after about 4 months of living with my friend; we moved in together and lived in the rural area that I was only going to "visit" for a few months.

It wasn't until about 4 months into the relationship did I realized he had some problems. He would stay out sometimes all night drinking; and I thought he was cheating; it never occured to me he had a problem with alcohol. I threatned to leave him several times, then in the summer of 2003 he finally started going to AA meetings. He stayed sober and really and truly worked the program for 13 months.

Let's try this again. Each time I try to reply, the post is way too long. LOL. So here's another shortened version.

I met AH in the first grade. He was the "new kid" that year. I remember telling my mom that I liked him and that I was going to marry him someday. Of course she laughed at the time.
Fast forward through the years of being great friends (though we only went out one time). There was always an attraction between AH and I - we knew it but we were just friends.
We got together when I'd been out of school for about a year and needed my oil changed in my car. I called Ah to see if he'd change it for me as I trusted him more than I would a garage and figured I'd rather pay him.
We ended up going out and it just went from there.

Why do I think I hooked up with him? Interesting question that I've pondered over the years. There were signs early on that there were some things I didn't like in our relationship. Too sum it up though, I ended up pregnant and I wanted to wait a year before marrying. Our families as well as him were pressuring me to marry so I gave in even though I knew he wasn't really ready. A part of me wanted to believe that because we'd been such good friends for so long that we would make a great married couple. We had a history together. Or maybe I just wanted that whole romantic story thing.
I think it was more about me "wanting" him to be the one, than it really was ever about him "being" the one (if that makes sense).

I don't think I've explained myself well at all in this post. LOL. But after trying so many times, I give up and this is a small insite for you. lol

I met him at church. Had found him very attractive for 3 years but he was married to-- yup -- an A (which I found out after we were engaged.) He was in recovery and I am from a non-A family. He has fabulous qualities when he is on the wagon but when off...........well, that's another story.

I stayed with him because I was told "It is the first year adjustments, it is stepparenting, it is a custodial parent of teenagers, etc."

People told me it was normal. Otherwise, I would've been outta here the first month!

Ward and I met in a bar (my girlfriend knew him) at a time in my life when I had sworn off men. We talked for probably an hour that night. He was sober and was drinking water...he had to get up to be at work at 5 am. In hindsite I know now that he kept turning up where I was. He says that he was struck with my independence...ha...he had no idea! But that was in '78 (married in '81) and we are still muddling through.

We were friends first...and we still talk a lot.
JT

It hurts to even talk about it. We ended (violently) our relationship just six months ago.

I am guilty of suppressing my feelings, and that is just what I am doing now. Its much less painful to ignore or forget them.

However, I know that to really get rid of them and get back my sanity and be cured, I must face them.

OK YOU GUYS ....... you made me cry. Going for a cigarette and a tissue and I will BRB (be right back ....... for those who dont know what it means ....... hey my girls had to teach me!

YOU GUYS ARE SO AMAZINGLY STRONG! I am not! TEACH ME, please!

OK, BRB

Maria

I met my AH in Highschool. Strangely enough, the guy I just broke up with pointed out to me that my AH was interested in me. So I wrote him a letter and gave him my number. To my surprise, he called me. And I spent almost everyday since with him.

That was in my sophmore year, 1989.

I met my ex at a party at a mutual friend's house. He was seeing someone at the time though. All of us used to get together to watch wrestling once a month and he made me laugh all the time. He ended his "relationship" with his party chick because he wanted a serious/long term relationship with someone. We both met at a point in our lives when we wanted to find someone to spend the rest of our lives with.

I remember praying for God to send me the man I was supposed to marry and two weeks later my ex entered my life? That's why I'm so upset and angry and confused as to why the love of my life was taken out of my life when our first two years together was so wonderful? :(

I met my Abf at some mutual friends' house. I was convinced he was a "social" drinker. Turns out he either drank too much or was too social one or the two. :indiffere He was very kind, helpful and complimentry then. He really knew how to stroke a girls ego. He seemed like a perfect guy actually until the skeletons started pouring out of the closet. Things went way too fast, I learnt that next time (if there is one) to take things alot slower.

CM.....I am so glad to see this question as I have so often wondered. Thanks for posting.
Also suprised that many of these that posted did not meet in a bar, or at a cocktail party. Meet mine at a VFW dance, where everone seems to drink, but what few people that were said to be alcoholic in our small area didn't mean anything to me. I had never heard of Alcoholism .
I think no one understands this unless living it. Everyone on here feels like family, so fun to know how and where they met SO.
Thanks for posting this clancy

I met my AH, when I was 16 through mutal friends from school (Although AH was kicked out of school at the time.) We dated on and off seriously for 5 years. Alot of cheating and lying on his part. Then I moved away for 2 years totally didn't even talk to him at all during that time in my life. I moved back, and ended up dating him again. Moved in together, got pregnant(with our first son,) married, then had our second son. Now working on year three of marraige, and year two of his recovery.

I met my AH at an AA meeting.
I was in a seriously bad place and he seemed to have the answers. He was gonna "fix me" - classic 13th step.
Plus he's a redhead + I have a sick weakness for redheads. He's the 3rd one I married.
Next month will be the year anniversary of him leaving. Soon he'll be the 3rd ex.

But it was damned good for a long time.

Blue

Dear Blue ....

I am ALL TOO FAMILIAR with the pain and heartache you are experiencing at this moment. I am in the same boat, but as hard as it is, when I feel a thought popping into my head of him, I try very VERY hard to think of something else right away. If I dont I fear I may go crazy.

All I can say is that maybe try to accept the blessing you had with him in your life. That chapter in your life was *damn good* (lol) ..... hold onto that no matter how it ended. Mine ended horribly and I have allowed the bad, hurt feelings erase all the good times. I MUST for my own sanity, but its sad!

You met him at an AA meeting, ey??!! Just might give me the incentive to attend a meeting. I have yet to do that. I am very new to this. You see he was the alcoholic, but from being around him for 3 years I learned to enjoy good old Jack (Daniels). Before I knew it I was a full blown alcoholic and substance abuse addict. I dont blame him ...... I ALLOWED IT; but the bad experiences have tainted the good. I hope you do not allow that to happen to you.

Personally, I wish I knew why men and women *love* differently.

I know you are hurting. I am here if you would like to chat.

STAY STRONG ..... for YOURSELF!

Much love,
Maria

My AH and I met when I was 15 and he was 17 through a friend but we soon started partying together. Neither of us were looking for anything...at all, but after a few months I guess we did. He told me he was an alcoholic but I guess didn't believe/understand. Found out I was pregnant at 16--one week later I saw what DT's were--I had to save him so that our child had a dad. Six weeks after our oldest was born, we took up beating on each other--he smacked my face, I lost it (all 100lbs of me) and tried my hardest to beat him to a pulp. I married him at 19--the day before our wedding he relapsed after 6 mo. Second child at twenty. Third at 22. when third was 3 months old, he relapsed again after 3 years. (That was the worst, sitting at home w/3 kids). Then again 6 weeks later. That was 71 days ago.

I honestly think he won me because he is a genuinely awesome person to be around (until he blacks out).

I met my A at my mothers sub shop. I used to go in there every morning and help her before I went to my real job as a secretary. He started coming in with his step father for coffee (they both worked at the same place and I had known his SF for many years). When my mom and I went over to see their new house, I borrowed a VCR tape (Forrest Gump) from his mom and a couple of weeks later I called to return it and he was the only one home. I went over and watched a Nascar race with him. That was in August '95 and he moved in with me in October '95. I knew he drank but I was blinded by his manners, good looks, steady job, and the fact that he never went to bars. In our almost 10 years together we have only been in a bar 2 times. He's a SAHD (stay at home drunk). He never gets raging drunk, only to the point of red eyes, and doing the weave dancing thing. BUT, having beer in the fridge is of the utmost importance. If I had the money he has spent on beer in the last 10 years I could probably quit work. I just did a rough calculation. Over $12,000 dollars!!!!! Not enough to retire on but I could have taken a he!! of a vacation.

We met at Disneyland. You'd think the "happiest place on earth" would be a good start.

Why? Wish I knew. We could talk for hours. He was fun, great to look at, smart, funny. Didn't see alcohol. He moved in. It was all downhill. First it was drinking with his friends...then, just drinking. I started catching on to the lies. Then I began to see how big and how many there were. Then, the screaming fits. Had no experience with A's. Sadly, have learned much over these 3 and a piece years.

30 days till moving...and counting!

Right then. Since I read this thread half an hour ago, I have been feeling sick in my stomach. I know that feeling – it means I’m uncomfortable about facing up to some truths in my life. The only way out is through, so here goes. The red flags are going to scare the sh*t out of me, but I need to see them in all their glory.

I met R at work. When I first started working there, I was in a LTR with someone else and had been for 10 years. (I got together with this guy 3 months after his g/f was killed in a car crash. So my rescuing tendencies started a long time ago). I barely even noticed R for a few years - we worked in different offices of the same building. There was always something remote about him, like he wouldn’t let you in. I didn’t even know he’d got married until months after. The same with his son – I had no idea that he’d got a young son from a previous marriage until I’d worked there for a good few years. Bear in mind, this was a small company, so people tended to know quite a bit about each other. Anyway, there were rumours that he was an A, but I had no experience with addiction, so it didn’t really mean that much to me. Or so I thought. Did this knowledge play a part in us getting together? More about that later.

My relationship was beginning to crumble. My then bf was commuting into London and finding it too tough, so he started staying with his friend in town Mon-Thurs and coming back at the weekend. Weekends were spent playing/watching sport and I was feeling left out. By February 2001, we had decided that it wasn’t working out and split up. Bearing in mind we had been together 10 years and he was my best buddy, this was a hard time for me, but I coped with it OK. I knew very few people in the area (we had moved with my ex’s job) and I was lonely. Unbeknownst to me, R was also having marital difficulties and was constantly splitting up and getting back together with his wife.

September 2001 – R invited me to play squash. We had a great time. That evening, I met up with my ex at a dinner party at some mutual friends. We slept together that night, but we both knew it was the final goodbye. I knew I had found some one else to ease my troubles (ha!). The following week, I went out with R. He told me about how his wife had left that summer whilst he was taking his son back after his holidays, leaving him with no furniture in the house. He told me what a psycho his ex was. As was his previous wife. We went out again the following week. After that, we didn’t spend a night apart. Too much, too fast. He was making sure that I was hooked in.

It was full on. It felt like I had come home. We could talk about anything and everything. We would finish each others’ sentences. He would cook me dinner, run me baths, bring me breakfast in bed. We would stay up late into the night talking, surviving on 3 hours sleep. I lost a lot of weight, but felt great. I was happy. Really happy. I know now that he was moulding himself to what I needed. This wasn’t the real him, this was just another character he developed to get what he wanted. All a façade.

Then his ex-wife got involved. Well, they were still technically married – the divorce wasn’t going to final until April 2002. She started following me in the car. She turned up at my house with letters for me, telling me what he was really like. She started ringing me. She still had a key to his house and would come in whilst we were at work, stealing little things like cosmetics, just so I’d know she had been there. All of this was confirming R’s story that she was a nutter. Or, in hindsight, that she was trying to tell me the reality of life with R. But I didn’t want to hear it. DENIAL.

I remember the first time I realised that he had a problem. We drank together often, mainly wine. But I have always liked a social drink, so I didn’t see this as an issue. But when I realised that my bottles of gin and tequila had diminished, or had been replaced with water, this WAS a problem. Those bottles had sat untouched for months. All of a sudden, they were almost empty. He eventually admitted that it was him, but that he was stressed. I heard that a lot over the coming years. I didn’t know what to do with this info, so I ignored it. DENIAL.

We went up to Scotland for me to meet his parents and his son. We stopped off at his parents first and his Mum made it quite clear to me that R was trouble. I had heard a lot about his Mum and the problems R had with her. So I ignored this as the rantings of a bitter and twisted woman. DENIAL.

It didn’t get much better from then on. But that’s only with hindsight. On the face of it, things were going great. I ignored that little voice that was telling me that things weren’t quite right, that his explanations didn’t quite add up. I lent him money because his ex had cleaned him out. Or rather, he had spent all his money on drink. I ignored the fact that we always seemed to visit the pub when we were out during the day. I ignored the fact that I could smell alcohol on him at odd hours of the day. I ignored the fact that he sometimes wet his pants (how could I do that!!). I ignored the bottles hidden around the house. I ignored the fact that he asked me to marry him whilst we were having sex. I ignored the fact that I discovered his constant lies. I ignored the fact that he would agree to something, then do the opposite. I ignored many more things than I can even begin to list here, but you get the idea. I ignored the fact that I was getting more and more unhappy. When I say, I ignored these things, of course I didn’t in practice. I cried and screamed and threatened and all the rest. But I ignored them to myself on that fundamental level. So much so, that I set up in business with him and agreed to marry him.

And all this continued until I was looking on the net one day for information on alcoholics. Of course, I was looking for info on how to help him, but what I found was to help me in such a life-changing way that it still hasn’t quite sunk in. I found SR. I started to realise that I was selling myself short. That my life didn’t have to be this way. And the rest is history – chronicled on here for posterity.

Why did we get together? We needed each other. He needed me in all sorts of ways and I needed him to need me. I though I could save him. I thought I knew how to take away all the troubles that made him drink. Most of all, though, I think I needed to be with him so that I could find SR, al-anon and counselling to resolve the issues in me that were there long before I ever met the A. And, with the support of all of you wonderful people, that’s exactly what I am doing.

Thanks for listening.
Love

Minnie
xxx