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So where did you meet your alcoholic lover and why do you guess you got together?



So where did you meet your alcoholic lover and why do you guess you got together?

Old 04-30-2005, 05:10 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Mine were always drinking and drug buddies. They were also to fill the void of no self-esteem and fear of being alone.

After 7 years of A.A and Alanon I thank god have healthier behaviours.

Ngaire
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Old 04-30-2005, 07:25 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I met AH when I was 15. He was a dishwasher in the restaurant where my girlfriend waitressed. She dated him. Then he dated two other of my friends. I dated one of his good friends. He and I were just good friends. He was the guy all the girls wanted - cute, funny, loving, caring, etc. They would have a party and he would be dating 5 different girls at the party, but he was so smooth, none of them knew it. Of course, at the time, i thought this was really cool that he could pull this off so well. He was the group of "older" (18) guys we hung out with. Party party party. Toga parties all year, bunny parties at Easter, you get the picture.

One of my best friends who had dated him, loaded up a truck to move to California when she was 18 or 19. He invited himself to go with her (he thought she needed a guy to help keep her safe - she didn't want him to go, but he ended up going) She says he drank the entire time. And, they end up separating, I believe in Arizona.

When I divorced my first husband in my late 20's, I ran into him and we were inseperable. We spent a night together looking at yearbooks, drinking... the next morning we walked to a store and he asked me if he could hold my hand. From that moment on, we were almost inseparable. He had never been married. All my girlfriends warned me that he was an alcoholic. But, I ended up marrying him anyway. He treated me so much better than my X, i fell madly and passionately in love with him. It was almost unhealthy, I almost worshipped him (big problem (duh!)

He was so smart, so humble, so funny, could talk to anyone about anything... so worldy and intelligent. He could really really help people that were having problems. God gave him a gift of always knowing the right thing to say, at the right time without being a know-it-all. But, then the alcohol took over and those great qualities left him. It is so sad.

I will try to remember these good things about this man who once was a very good man.
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Old 04-30-2005, 08:51 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I met my exABF years ago when I was just a kid - our families were friends. He was older than me and got married very young (17) because his girlfriend was pregnant. I used to babysit for his kids when I was in high school. I always had a crush on him but I was a very innocent teenager and he was married so I would have never acted on the crush. I think what I liked about him was that he was so different than me - he drank, did drugs, etc. I was not into that scene at all and I think I found it intriguing. Well he and his first wife divorced and soon after that he moved away with what would be his second wife. Ten years later he moved back into the area and we worked together at the same part time job. He was in a relationship and I was still married although I was seperated at the time. His girlfriend left him and he was alone at about the same time my estranged husband decided he was moving back into our house because his name is on the deed and I can't keep him out. So I ended up moving in with my exABF - just friends - nothing going on at that time. I was drawn to him because I thought he was just such a great guy - he allowed me and my child to live in his house, he poured out his heart to me about how hurt he had been in the past, he shared his hopes for the future, etc. etc. etc. Looking back on it now I don't know if all that was just a bunch of lies to manipulate me or if he really meant those things but as the drinking and drugs got worse he changed. I guess I'll never really know. I think the thing that kept me there so long was my need to "rescue" him. If only he could see how much I love him he would magically change and be the man he told me he really wanted to be. Well I woke up from that dream, he's not the man he said he was and I don't see any signs that he ever will be. It's sad because I think I do still love him but I have moved on for the sake of my own sanity and the safety of my child.
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Old 04-30-2005, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by jordan1980
I met my AH, when I was 16 through mutal friends from school (Although AH was kicked out of school at the time.) We dated on and off seriously for 5 years. Alot of cheating and lying on his part. Then I moved away for 2 years totally didn't even talk to him at all during that time in my life. I moved back, and ended up dating him again. Moved in together, got pregnant(with our first son,) married, then had our second son. Now working on year three of marraige, and year two of his recovery.
It's very encouraging to hear nice stories like this one. I believe alcoholics CAN change . I hope my story ends up like yours someday (crossing fingers)
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Old 04-30-2005, 10:45 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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HI everyone. I haven't posted here in a long time, but I couldn't resist this one. I met my husband through the personals in the local newspaper. I had just gotten out of an abusive marriage and was very lonely, so my girlfriend talked me into putting in an ad. She said "something better is out there for you!" YEAH RIGHT! Well he answered my ad, said all the right things. We talked on the phone for 3 weeks before I finally agreed to meet him face to face. Honestly, I think I fell in love with him over the phone, not knowing he was on a binge the whole time. When I finally met him, I was so stupid that I thought he just like to drink wine. I had noticed he drank alot of it, but he never really acted drunk. Well, then we went somewhere on a Sunday and he couldn't get any wine because in New York no liquor stores were open on Sunday. He started shaking, sweating and became very ill. I was never so scared in all my life. I ended up taking him to the emergency room and then was told it was alcohol withdrawl. Well then the codie in me took over. He was in detox for 2 weeks and after that I figured I could take care of him. I would make everything okay. You know--fix things. Boy was I wrong. Why I married him was anyones guess. I knew he was an alcoholic, but I guess I still believed I could help him. We've been married almost 10 years and only the past 6 months have been better. I'm not saying he stopped drinking, but he has cut down alot and I have learned to detach and set boundaries thanks to all the wonderful people on this site. I don't know what I would have done without all of your support. I learned alot from all of you and I appreciate all of your advice.
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Old 04-30-2005, 02:40 PM
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met my xabf at a bar, it was karaoke night. When I was introduced to him, he said people called him stupid Carl - it was noisy in there, and actually he said scuba Carl... But should have listened to the freudian slip... At first, I went with him and did drink with him, but that hasn't been for over a yr. Now I pass those places up, unless I'm with a good gf or a relative (cousin, sister). Some bars have great food I don't think all relationships started in a club or bar, turn out terrible, but the % or it is high. One of my best gf, was introduced by her sister (bil worked with him) to her fantastic husband, at a bar. But he didn't then (30 yrs or so) or now, frequent going to a bar.

But then if it was a lesson, to keep me out of those places, Lesson Learned!!!
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Old 04-30-2005, 02:59 PM
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I met my AH at work. He didn't actually work for the company he was installing the phone system. Our first date we went to a bar, but he didn't drink because he had been in AA for almost 4 years. I thought this was the best thing in the world. A man who actually saw his shortcomings and owned up to them. He stopped meetings once we got serious. (I had no idea of how important that would be.) He stayed clean for another 7 years. I thought he was "cured". One day he decided that he had never REALLY been an alcoholic and started drinking again. That was about 8 years ago. If I would have had any idea that he would relapse, I'd of gone screaming away the first time I met him.
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Old 04-30-2005, 04:52 PM
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Shocking I know...but I did meet my husband at a keg party in college. He was juggling beer bottles and I spied him across the bonfire. He certainly was the life of the party, Mr. Happy, Mr. Fun, everyone loved him and he was the ONE to date at that time. I considered myself so lucky.

In some ways I still do, my children have inherited their outgoing personalities and sense of fun and wonder from him...for that I am grateful.

Jenny
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Old 04-30-2005, 07:09 PM
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I met my husband at a black jack table in a casino! We had alot of common interests and got along right from the get go. He told me he was a recovering alcoholic and hadn't had a drink in 18 years. We got involved quickly and were married 6 months after our first date. The first two years were great and then he started relapsing. He is a binge drinker and the binges kept getting closer together and each one caused more pain and damage than the one before. I also found out that he had been sober off and on for 18 years. Should have taken more time to learn more about his past instead of just believing him. I was 50 when I met him so I really should have been smart enough to see through the lies but I guess I wanted to believe him. I got smart enough a year ago when I left!

Jo
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Old 04-30-2005, 07:31 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Met Mine At A Bar.
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Old 05-01-2005, 11:13 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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So interesting, it kind of just tells me an A can be anywhere, but it does appear a high percentage can be found at alcohol related events (bar/clubs/party) though not necessarily 100%, but what is ever 100% these days anyways.

I can see my mistakes all too clearly, and as I live life making sure I watch myself of those weaknesses within myself, I can notice a great difference among the way everyone around me treats me and I can see the things I have to offer to people and my confidence is at an all time new as I feel I can see so clearly, its even been tested several times and I love the true confidence I find in myself, not a trying to convince myself I'm confident type of feeling.



Anyways, destiny puts people in our lives in mysterious ways for all of us (including the A) to see and be where they need to be in the future.
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Old 05-02-2005, 09:56 AM
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Which one?? ha ha ha..

First (at 19), we both were working at a restaurant bar..

Then I lived in Hong Kong and the next one was another American living overseas..We had mutual friends in common..

The most recent, was a musician and I met him at the restaurant I was dining at and he was playing at..

Funny though..I was at the grocery store a few weeks ago and saw a cute guy..Then I looked at his grocery basket..It was filled with bottles of liquor! At least now I can laugh about it..
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Old 05-02-2005, 10:03 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
old enough to know BETTER!!!!!
 
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Originally Posted by wraybear

I will try to remember these good things about this man who once was a very good man.
I DON'T want to remember the *good times* ..... because

(1) in looking back, they weren't REAL ..... just ALCOHOLIC fun
(2) if I do so I may just WEAKEN and go back
(3) he's an alcoholic that cannot and does not want to quit
(4) although deep down I know he has a *heart* (about the only one who believed that and believed in him ..... he cares NOT to show it
(5) the good times have been tainted and I've been left with is pain, deceit, distrust, lost of self-esteem ..... and guess what ...... a substance abuse problem!

So, I dare not revisit the *good times*!

Sorry this sounds so cruel. Just honest!
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Old 05-02-2005, 10:21 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Minx1969
Which one?? ha ha ha...

GOOOOOOD ONE ..... I LOVED IT! Good for you ...... LAUGHTER SAVES US SOMETIMES!

The only positive thing about my addiction is that I only had ONE ...... alcoholic that is ...... not a man or a woman .... NO NO, just kidding .... I'm STRAIGHT ..... although have considered joining a convent or SWITCHING OVER ...... JUST KIDDING AGAIN! (LMAO!)

:Lmao
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Old 05-02-2005, 10:23 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
old enough to know BETTER!!!!!
 
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Oh and BTW ..... where did I meet mine ......

MUST YOU ASK? A BAR OF COURSE! Should have known I was heading for DANGER!

SMILE!
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Old 05-02-2005, 11:18 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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I met my A-ex at work. He was very popular and very sweet. My last relationship was an abusive one and so I thought a nice guy would treat me right. He still doesn't recognize that he has a problem, eventhough he has a DUI and refuses to work the program to get his license back.

At first, I just chalked it down to a difference in culture. I don't really drink, and I found his drinking to be excessive, but alarmingly so. My therapist told me to go to Al-Anon if his drinking bothered me. I didn't think it was that serious. But then, he always talked about himself, the injustices done to him, about how his boss mistreats him, about other people and their 'scandals' - but never TO me or to ME. On the eve of my birthday, he went on a 2 hour (yes, all monologue) tyrade about his boss, then had the gall to ask me after "did I bum you out??"

THEN we went to SF for a week... I got to see the extent of his problem. He drank from 11am until AFTER I was asleep in the hotel. Part of our trip was through wine country, which didn't help. On the last day, he accidentally hit me in the nose with his elbow. I would've been mortified if I had done that to someone else. He was so drunk, he didn't even notice until I pointed it out. I didn't even get an apology.

I knew it was over a day into that trip. I broke up with him soon after we got back. Even at the end, when I was trying to connect with him, he still kept talking about himself and his chaotic life... damn right... I wasn't about to get sucked into that mess!
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Old 05-02-2005, 12:12 PM
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Well, I met my AH online. We were in a chat room and started talking. Weeks later we got up the nerve to call each other. We talked on the phone for hours and hours. He was in NJ and I was in TN. Our phone bills were through the roof!!! We really got to know each other over the phone. He finally came to see me and we couldn't get enough of each other. He moved to TN with me. The first year was awesome we were madly "in love". Then, he made a friend that was an A. They began drinking every weekend. I was shoved to the side in that I've never been a big drinker. They would have weekend parties with drinking. During all of this I got pregnant. I lost the baby at 7 weeks and became very depressed. His started drinking at least 2 nights a week. 2 months later I became pregnant again. I started running a high fever and ended up in the hospital at 12 wks. I was in the hospital for a few days and when I came home my AH went to see his friend and left me at home alone. Unfortuately, again my condition became much worse. I lost the baby at 14 wks. This time I was even more depressed than the first time but my husband who had been wanting a baby so much became more involved with his friend. By this time I was desparate to give him a baby. I (for some stupid reason) thought he would give the friend up to be with his child. 2 months later I'm pregnant again. He drove me crazy while I was pregnant. Drinking almost everynight. In the end we had a beautiful baby boy. After the birth of the child things got better for a while. The "new" finally wore off and he was back to the drinking binges. Now he was up to "getting drunk" 3 to 4 times a week. Our baby is 14 months. 2 weekends ago I left him. I've since gone back home but before I returned I laid everything on the line. My AH is attending AA nightly and has been sober for 9 days. *****!!!
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Old 05-02-2005, 12:14 PM
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I met my ABF on an online dating service..After reading all of the posts, it seems as though the majority of us have some of the same issues: low self-esteem, afraid of being alone, "I can save/help him/her", etc. etc. Looking back at my most recent 5 men that i've dated/or had a relationship with (all of which i met thru the online dating service) 4 of the 5 were what I would call an alcoholic, one of these however, was in AA at the time I met him and will be celebrating 2 years of sobriety in July. 3 of these relationships with the alcoholics, I was the one who called it quites.

Relationship #1 (recovering alcoholic)just didnt work because of distance (we lived 300 miles apart),

#2 This guy is on the city council and is a software analyst for a very large firm, I was thinking to myself in the beginning oh, man what a good catch! Then I started really watching his drinking habits. When I confronted him about his drinking and he was in total denial, so I just got out while the gettin' was good.

#3 this guy didnt drink when I was around, but when he did drink he would get very verbally abusive, as well as through emails...I knew I was heading for trouble with this guy and got out before something physically happened to me, that's how scared I was of him.

Now for #4 who I am currently still with...I know deep down he is an alcoholic and that I really need to steer clear of him, so why do I hang on to him? Perhaps it's the attention he gives me (I suffer from low self-esteem and readily admit it). I try to justify staying with him because the side that I am seeing he is thoughtful, caring, and not abusive. But then on the other hand here I am asking myself "why hasn't someone with these "good" qualities that I am seeing still has NEVER been married and he's 41 years old?" The logical part of me tries to take over and say that there IS something wrong with him or he would have been married at least once by now.

So here I am, telling myself to get out and on the other hand telling myself maybe, just maybe it will be ok...I look back at my previous posts and all of the responses that I received back, and I know deep in my heart that I really should just end the relationship before it goes any further and to keep from either of us getting hurt more emotionally than what it would be like if the relationship should go one for several more months, before the envitable break-up.

Again I'd like to thank everyone who has responded to my posts and listening to me.
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Old 05-02-2005, 12:37 PM
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Um, well......Neither one of us remember meeting! We were 4 years old!!!!! BF and GF from Kindergarten - 4th grade, then again in Middle school, then finally got back together after I had my first child (from my first marrage) I had had it with men, and figured he was a nice guy who I grew up with and trusted and thought would be a good daddy for my son! (Which he was/is) We were always friends in between "relationships" though.
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Old 05-03-2005, 03:20 AM
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Met mine in a bar He kept circling me for years. I'm not kidding you, he actually did. Everytime me and my friends entered a bar he joined our party. When I finally gave in and started dating him the routine changed and he couldn't pay me less attention if he tried while we were at a bar and instead hanged with his drinking buddies and I of course thought that I was not attractive enough Stayed around for 2 years.

And then saw him again 5 years later and of course believed him when he said that he had been sober for over a year. If I only had known about this site then then I could have safed myself the grief of this second encounter. This time it only took me a few months to wise up. The month he stayed partying with his drinking buddies did not wash well with me
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