CodeMaster

I was going to just find one or multiple girls to spend nights with me, even if its not for a serious relationship. I figured...

I could still go to AA with my friend who I met who goes on Fridays, I could visit Al-Anon once in a while, and I could see a therpaist who saved my friends life (he's an A). He's the minority of A's who actually truly become sober through humility and honesty with himself and others.

You see, I would be doing this now if I had my new home closed and setup nicely. It closes this Friday, but then I like to order a few new furniture to fill it up a little bit. Then my bike is being repaired, its my only way of transportation, so this makes it harder for me to travel, but people can visit me and park in a secure garage. A lot of good things been happening around me, I could go into so many, including my bike accident, since it wasnt my fault, his insurance is paying me 3.5k, I only need 1k to fix it! What a blessing! I get paid to hit a car and since I'm ok, it was actually kind of a fun experience... I could go on with blessings, like a free couch last night from a neighbor, a nice one! etc... I even get compliments on my healthy build nearly everyday ever since I go out a lot more often, from strangers! One guy came up to shake my hand just to ask me about my weight / height. Hah! But no matter how good things are...

In the morning, I still wake up from dreams of her. I still wake up with pain in my heart, and as much as I want to heal my heart the right way, I know finding someone intimate with me will kill this pain at the very least.

Couldnt this be a feasible plan?

fingerscrossed

Codemaster, please don't find some chick to numb your pain. It certainly isn't fair to them and you would be using someone just as the A uses the booze. I know exactly how you feel about the nights--I can't stop thinking about my ex and every morning I wake up wishing it was a bad dream and he is going to call me at his usual time of 7 am. But time will lessen the pain, I think to use another person to do that for us is being very dishonest, and for me--I havbe no interest in meeting someone right now--I still ache for my ex and I am sure time will lessen the pain that I feel. God, I hope so!!!

Minx1969

I just posted about this on Cynay's post..

So I'm just going to share my experience with you if that's ok?

In my 20's I basically hoped from boy to boy to fill a hole..whether it was my first exABF breaking up with me after 4 years or whatever..But what I discovered is that nice at first..I was doing the same stuff over and over..Definition of insanity

Along the way I hurt some pretty nice guys who probably didn't deserve my sh*t because I didn't want to be alone and deal with the pain.

Fast forward to me at 36..Would love to get married and have kids..hasn't happened yet..exABF broke up with me 7 months ago and I've committed to my sponsor that I would not date until a year in AlAnon (2 months to go!)...At first I thought she was crazy and I would not make a commitment to her that I could not honor..so we came to an agreement..I would not consider dating until I finished my 5th step..At that point I so didn't want to be near anyone anyway I could see dating..I finished my 5th step and agreed to wait a few more months..

Now I'm on my 9th step and I have 2 months until a year in the program (july) and I'm glad I haven't dated..it is given me so much time to truely heal on my own..I also did not want unleash all my hurt and sadness and baggage on someone who didn't deserve it..

Also I have had the benefit of having this time to myself to concentrate on me..my hobbies, my aspirations..

just remember that most women can't just "spend nights" without wanting something in return..

journeygal

Hi Codemaster,

I really don't think finding another person to be physically intimate will kill your pain. In fact, it may make you feel even worse and more alone. It's like using alcohol to numb or escape the feelings. Eventually, you'll have to deal with them and work through them. That's the only thing that will help - facing the emotions head on. Time will help too. Eventually the pain will pass.

Hang in there,
JG

Ann

CodeMaster

The way to heal the pain of one relationship is not by finding another, serious or not. It's sort of like the alcoholic who thinks he can smoke put. Just doesn't work.

In the end, sooner or later, you will have to face your pain and walk through it. Doing that may not sound like fun, but I promise you that when you come out the other side you will be a better person for it.

Your choices are your own to make, but I've been around this program long enough to know that what you are considering would do you no justice, and is certain to hurt more people.

Time, healing actions and thoughts, and learning to love yourself would help you make healthier choices next time around.

Hugs
Ann

Savana 54

I've also been told that more likely then not if you haven't fully recovered, your chances of attracting the same type of person is very high. In your case another addict or alcoholic. I know with most of my rebound relationships, I ended up with the same type of guy..

I know how you feel; right now I think about a rebound relationship to numb the pain, but I know that is unhealthy for me at this time.

Hang in there....

CodeMaster

Other day I left work, it was a beautiful sunny day here. My friend takes me home since my bikes been down, and I was just fine. But when I looked in the park, I thought I saw her... a girl looked just like her, but she was with another guy, sitting on the bench just peacefully enjoying the sundown. Watching animals run around them...

As my friend was driving, I was talking and just stopped talking as I tried to see if it was really her. I nearly got out of the car just to walk up to see for myself, but I didnt... and my friend just jokingly asked if I saw a hot girl. I wasnt really there with him for a good moment, he kept wondering why I wasnt talking...

I was really affected by that, I thought I saw her... I debated a couple times running back to see for myself, but I resisted. Who knows if it was her or not. But it doesnt matter, I know this cause we are over. What good will it do to find out anything more about her status.

I see this pain during the day, during my dreams, its the first thing I see when I wake up. I have bad dreams of her saying bad things to me...

It really shakes my entire day sometimes, I try to tell myself its just dreams of my fear, its expected... but I'm getting tired of this feeling, I really want someone to lay by and I miss and long the warmth of a female by my side.

Minx1969

Code,

I know the feeling..but sometimes you got to walk through it alone..

splendra

How unfair it would be for you to try and make some one fill this void in you right now. Not only to the other person but, to yourself as well. Everyone who has replyed so far has given you some real gold nugets.

Recovery is a lonely journey mainly because we have lost ourselves. It may seem like you are looking for someone else but, in reality you probably are looking for you and no other person can give you that....

We all need to be best friends with ourselves. When we are on good terms with ourselves we then make choices that reflect our high self esteem.

Love is what happens to honest people...

fingerscrossed

Codemaster, the person who posted that we have to find ourselves is very correct. Right now, I am constantly thinking over what could have been, and I can't do anything that I used to do alone--like reading, watching TV, etc. I am a person who used to love downtime for myself, and now, I am so lost it is painful. I need to love being with myself again and making myself happy. It is a painful road and right now it looks long, but I am pretty sure that with time and some luck, I shall be okay. Already, each day is a little bit better, and yes the nights are rough...but life goes on--it always does.
And you know, living with an A would not have been a picnic. A family friend who survived the WTC, and after that lost their job as a result of the business slump, just died--seems his alcoholism raged out of control after 9/11 and he died of a drug overdose.
These A blow out their livers, get into car wrecks, lose their jobs, and yes--die--sometimes way before their time. Our ex's were probably not going to be around to grow old together anyway with......time to be realistic.

Cynay

I just posted for you too on my thread....but

Code... this is how I have been thinking. If I go out and use someone to fill the space left in my heart what will that give me?

1. Probably will attract another A/Codi that is as messed up as me..... hurm. I dont know about you but I NEVER want to go through this again.

2. I will hurt someone else like I have been hurt.... He was unable to love, give and worst of all he sucked my love dry. Good Heavens how I hurt. Most women do not get that close to a man and not have the emotions involved so when she finds out she is a rebound... how much will that hurt her?

3. If I take the time I spent working to keep my A afloat, and working on that relationship and spent it on me, even if only for one year.... how much further along would I be? Financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically? WOW I cant even imagine it yet... I took VERY good care of him.

4. Lastly.... if I do all this for myself, who will I be at the end of the year? I can tell you I will not be the same person, and If Im different then I would choose someone much more different then I would now when Im not emotionally healthy. The person I would attract or be attracted to now is not the kind of person I would want when I come from a position of strength.

If I want that real, interdependant, beautiful, honest, loving relationship I will have to be ready for it... Like you I just got done 4 1/2 months ago from a relationship that literly tore my heart apart... so much so that I still wake up thinking about him, dream about him, look for his truck when I drive... I even find myself sometimes thinking about my goals with him in mine... (crazy) I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS... and I would not wish this on you or anyone else..... but if you use someone to fill the gap that is exactaly what you are doing... doing it to someone else and they will probably come out feeling like this too.

JessicaNAJ

CodeMaster - I feel your pain. It does get very lonely when we're used to the company of someone we care for so deeply. I've spent a lot of lonely nights desperatly searching the computer and hoping I can find someone to talk to and then end up reading a book or watching a movie and feeling more lonely. A physical body will only give you a temporary feeling of happiness and it will only prolong the inevitable. You have to deal with these emotions you are feeling. Do you really feel you have done that?

I don't want to see you in more pain because you haven't given yourself time to heal.

Ann

CodeMaster

You can get all the women you want, if you set your standards low enough.

The thing is, until we find ourselves, we don't even know what our standards are, let alone think we are worthy of high ones.

Think about it.

Hugs
Ann

osier59

Code Master,

Lots of wisdom in these posts. And I know this: if you don't work thru the pain and learn the lessons, you WILL end up with the same kind of person/relationship again. Take the time to grieve your loss and work thru it. You'll come out so much better on the other side, and then you'll be ready and able to be fully involved in a relationship that is healthy for both of you.

Hugs
Barb

CodeMaster

Everyone, thank you so much for your giving and kind hearts. I have to say, every single post felt like it was as one described gold nuggets literally handed to me. Each post has so much meaning and many points I never even though of. All of it too true as I reflect back at my past relationships and history of patterns.

I will re-read this thread a few times, it has so much to suck in and absorb. I will try to do things differently this time, and being that I've felt only a TASTE of SELF by working on myself the last few weeks and how amazing it can feel, I think with this blip of light, it will be what gets me to explore this light even more.

Thanks... posts all mean a lot to me.

Cynay

WOOOHOOOOOO and HUGS from me to you!!!

EndOfRoadWife

Code- You can't replace a person with another person...And eventually if you want to meet someone, you probably will get a better "quality" of person if you do things "the old fashioned way"..You aren't going to want a girl that just jumps in the sack right away..Be good quality to attract good quality! Just keep working on yourself!!! Gotta love yourself before someone can love you! Good luck!