Missing in action...
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Missing in action...
I know it is said to expect the unexpected with this disease, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
I last spoke to my Axbf on Sunday night, we had a really good talk. I have been doing a lot of changing myself as far as blurting out angry comments towards him and putting him down. He even said he would try to make it to one of his home group AA meetings. I have been in contact with a close friend of ours, that lives in the same town as where he is. He has been in the program for 25 years and had been very supportive to my A when he had gotten sober. He checks in with me occasionally to see how I'm doing and encourages me to attend Al-Anon meetings.
I just don't understand why I haven't heard anything from my A; not even a simple email in three days, nothing. And again I know that you can't make sense of the disease, but I just don't understand why he would fall off the face of the earth like this? We have been at least keeping in contact every day or so, either by email or phone.
It just hurts...thats all....
It seems the more progress I make with my own recovery, the more he backs away from me. I have also noticed the last few times I have spoken to him he has become very jeolous, and again this is so not like him.
I last spoke to my Axbf on Sunday night, we had a really good talk. I have been doing a lot of changing myself as far as blurting out angry comments towards him and putting him down. He even said he would try to make it to one of his home group AA meetings. I have been in contact with a close friend of ours, that lives in the same town as where he is. He has been in the program for 25 years and had been very supportive to my A when he had gotten sober. He checks in with me occasionally to see how I'm doing and encourages me to attend Al-Anon meetings.
I just don't understand why I haven't heard anything from my A; not even a simple email in three days, nothing. And again I know that you can't make sense of the disease, but I just don't understand why he would fall off the face of the earth like this? We have been at least keeping in contact every day or so, either by email or phone.
It just hurts...thats all....
It seems the more progress I make with my own recovery, the more he backs away from me. I have also noticed the last few times I have spoken to him he has become very jeolous, and again this is so not like him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
It seems the more progress I make with my own recovery, the more he backs away from me.
I suggest you keep the focus on you. If you hear from him, fine, if you don't, that's just how it is. You can have happiness and joy in your life regardless of whether he's a part of your life or not.
Hang in there!
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by walkingtheline
Many of us notice the same.
I suggest you keep the focus on you. If you hear from him, fine, if you don't, that's just how it is. You can have happiness and joy in your life regardless of whether he's a part of your life or not.
Hang in there!
I suggest you keep the focus on you. If you hear from him, fine, if you don't, that's just how it is. You can have happiness and joy in your life regardless of whether he's a part of your life or not.
Hang in there!
Why is it he begged me to go to Al-Anon for so long, now he backs away? The way that I'm responding now to his drinking is what he has wanted for so long. I don't nag, yell, scream, call him a loser and other choice names; I have really been biting my tongue. I just don't understand........
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Ok going on day 4, and I have heard nothing from him; no email, no simple phone call, nada, nothing. Is there such a thing as a 4 day long binge? lol!!!
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Savana......I undertand your confusion, and hope this may help:
Youre changing, he wanted you to change which is why he suggested you get recovery...but guess what? He had no idea what the change would be like. So, now that you are healthier,,,acting better, responding differently, he has NO idea how to deal with it.
Its kinda like be careful what you ask for, you just might get it..then what???
When we put the focus on US, they dont undertand why its not on THEM anymore, so they are lost,,,they are used to the fights, nagging, invasions etc. So, NOW that we do that less, that we are so involved with them, they may take it like we dont care, that we are selfish, that we dont love them,,,,so, they react strongly. SOmetimes they ignore us, get angry, turn away,,whatever.
Anytime anyone changes, everyone else does to, to various degrees. My experience is that its temporary, that it usualy gets worse, then better.
Its kinda like when daylights savings time hits,,,,my body gets all outta funk, I lose sleep, get grumpy, complain that its not the way is "used to be",,then,,,after about 2 weeks, im like "Hey, I like having an extra housr of daylight".
He had no idea of HOW you were going to change, or what it would be like, so now he's just reacting to it...give him time to adjust. As long as you stick to it, he will adjust,,,when we set boundaries, NO ONE like them,,they react accordingly, but if we maintain the consistency, they usually adjust to it.
Go figure why that is!?!? But for me, it just is.
My ex-H would never pick up our son on the court ordered day,,he would come at anytime he wanted. I set a boundary that he had to abide by the dates, we need balance and no choas in out house, so I told him that he knew the dates and those were the dates he could come. Thats a boundary. He didnt like it, he tried to rebel and do what HE wanted. I stuck to my guns....NOW, he has finally surrendered, and has becoming coming on those days at the right time, and on time! Go figure!
We have less chaos and more structure. I set it, I enforced it and now he respects it!
Yay!
Youre changing, he wanted you to change which is why he suggested you get recovery...but guess what? He had no idea what the change would be like. So, now that you are healthier,,,acting better, responding differently, he has NO idea how to deal with it.
Its kinda like be careful what you ask for, you just might get it..then what???
When we put the focus on US, they dont undertand why its not on THEM anymore, so they are lost,,,they are used to the fights, nagging, invasions etc. So, NOW that we do that less, that we are so involved with them, they may take it like we dont care, that we are selfish, that we dont love them,,,,so, they react strongly. SOmetimes they ignore us, get angry, turn away,,whatever.
Anytime anyone changes, everyone else does to, to various degrees. My experience is that its temporary, that it usualy gets worse, then better.
Its kinda like when daylights savings time hits,,,,my body gets all outta funk, I lose sleep, get grumpy, complain that its not the way is "used to be",,then,,,after about 2 weeks, im like "Hey, I like having an extra housr of daylight".
He had no idea of HOW you were going to change, or what it would be like, so now he's just reacting to it...give him time to adjust. As long as you stick to it, he will adjust,,,when we set boundaries, NO ONE like them,,they react accordingly, but if we maintain the consistency, they usually adjust to it.
Go figure why that is!?!? But for me, it just is.
My ex-H would never pick up our son on the court ordered day,,he would come at anytime he wanted. I set a boundary that he had to abide by the dates, we need balance and no choas in out house, so I told him that he knew the dates and those were the dates he could come. Thats a boundary. He didnt like it, he tried to rebel and do what HE wanted. I stuck to my guns....NOW, he has finally surrendered, and has becoming coming on those days at the right time, and on time! Go figure!
We have less chaos and more structure. I set it, I enforced it and now he respects it!
Yay!
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Well, I finally got an email from him. He said he wasn't able to make it to his meeting as he was "deathly sick" and that he barely has the strength to do anything at all. He said he was lucky to have made it in the car to get down to his Mom's office to use the computer. Not to mention he can't call me as I wouldn't understand him since he has lost his voice.....Hmmmmmmmmmmm!!!! Sounds pretty fishy to me...
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