How do you decide when to quit?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: albuquerque, nm
Posts: 5
How do you decide when to quit?
It seems like there's a lot of advice out there for wives of alcoholic husbands, and it's all VERY confusing! My head is spinning so much I don't know which way is up.
My husband and I have only been married a month, and he was keeping a secret from me--alcoholism. He can go several months without drinking (which is why I didn't know there was a problem), but as soon as stress hits, the binge drinking starts up. His best friends confimed my suspicions that my new husband is an alcoholic. I've encouraged him to get help, but he denies that there is a problem. Thursday night he was in an accident and put in jail for 2 days for aggravated DWI. When he got out of jail, he admitted that he had a problem and would seek help. Just four days later, he's denying it again, and saying he just has a lot of stress to deal with and won't drink again. Suffice it to say, I've heard that story A LOT over the past three weeks.
We each have a child from a previoius marriage, and I just found out I'm pregnant with our third child. So on top of dealing with the morning sickness, emotions, and exhaustion of early pregnancy, learning how to be married again for the first time in years, and a very stressful job, I've just learned that I'm married to an alcoholic who won't get help.
How do I decide when enough is ENOUGH? Do I just divorce him and take care of this pregnancy and my own son, abandoning him and HIS child (who I love dearly)? Do I "detach," focus on myself, and hope to God it's not too traumatic for these children? And how will I know if it's really affecting the kids? When it's too late? All the advice says is to leave the alcoholic "if that turns out to be the right choice." How do I decide what is the right choice? I love this man very deeply, and until the alcohol reared its ugly head, he was so good to me and these kids. But I don't want to be trapped in a co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic in denial!
My husband and I have only been married a month, and he was keeping a secret from me--alcoholism. He can go several months without drinking (which is why I didn't know there was a problem), but as soon as stress hits, the binge drinking starts up. His best friends confimed my suspicions that my new husband is an alcoholic. I've encouraged him to get help, but he denies that there is a problem. Thursday night he was in an accident and put in jail for 2 days for aggravated DWI. When he got out of jail, he admitted that he had a problem and would seek help. Just four days later, he's denying it again, and saying he just has a lot of stress to deal with and won't drink again. Suffice it to say, I've heard that story A LOT over the past three weeks.
We each have a child from a previoius marriage, and I just found out I'm pregnant with our third child. So on top of dealing with the morning sickness, emotions, and exhaustion of early pregnancy, learning how to be married again for the first time in years, and a very stressful job, I've just learned that I'm married to an alcoholic who won't get help.
How do I decide when enough is ENOUGH? Do I just divorce him and take care of this pregnancy and my own son, abandoning him and HIS child (who I love dearly)? Do I "detach," focus on myself, and hope to God it's not too traumatic for these children? And how will I know if it's really affecting the kids? When it's too late? All the advice says is to leave the alcoholic "if that turns out to be the right choice." How do I decide what is the right choice? I love this man very deeply, and until the alcohol reared its ugly head, he was so good to me and these kids. But I don't want to be trapped in a co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic in denial!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
You determine when enough is enough!
My advice would be to confront him with his problem and tell him you didn't grow up to marry a drunk! Maybe he'll get treatment. DUI's can sure be blessings in disguise and maybe the courts will help him to get to his first AA meeting.
Meanwhile, there's so much support here. Alot of great experience, strength and hope from all the alanon people here. I'm sure you'll get some better advice from others. I've been clean for a few years now and I wouldn't have finally done it seriously if my husband hadn't told me he couldn't take it anymore...
Hope it works out for you two.. four, errr I guess almost 5!
My advice would be to confront him with his problem and tell him you didn't grow up to marry a drunk! Maybe he'll get treatment. DUI's can sure be blessings in disguise and maybe the courts will help him to get to his first AA meeting.
Meanwhile, there's so much support here. Alot of great experience, strength and hope from all the alanon people here. I'm sure you'll get some better advice from others. I've been clean for a few years now and I wouldn't have finally done it seriously if my husband hadn't told me he couldn't take it anymore...
Hope it works out for you two.. four, errr I guess almost 5!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome to Sr...
I am totally suprised that someone didn't reply right quick. Happens sometimes.
Let me assure you we all care and want to help.
How long have you known your new hubby?? Not that it matters. You are into this, and best you read, go to Al-Anon and keep posting here. So very much to learn. Others on here do better writing and shareing. but Welcome and keep comeing back.
Best for all of you . HUGS clancy46
I am totally suprised that someone didn't reply right quick. Happens sometimes.
Let me assure you we all care and want to help.
How long have you known your new hubby?? Not that it matters. You are into this, and best you read, go to Al-Anon and keep posting here. So very much to learn. Others on here do better writing and shareing. but Welcome and keep comeing back.
Best for all of you . HUGS clancy46
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
Welcome.. I agree only you can decide when enough is enough.. for some (me) it's a whole lot.. as far as the kids, I have two & I can tell you that it has most definately already had an impact on his child & probably yours as well.
Please consider an Alanon meeting if you haven't already done so, read & come back often!
Please consider an Alanon meeting if you haven't already done so, read & come back often!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: albuquerque, nm
Posts: 5
I've already confronted him with this a few times--each time he says that he knows for a fact that he's not an alcoholic because he can go for months without drinking. He explains away the solitary binge-drinking by saying it's just his way of dealing with stress, like it's normal for someone to run down to the bar after a newlywed fight (if you're married you know how tough that first year can be!) and spend eight hours drinking by himself.
With this DWI, he started out saying it was his fault and he should pay for his mistakes. Now he's saying he wants to get a good lawyer and see if he can get the charges dropped! His blood alcohol level was .26--more than three times the legal limit here--and his car is totalled.
I have no idea how to deal with this stress on top of pregnancy, parenting, and a new marriage, and still continue to show up at work every day. I was going to go to an Al-Anon meeting last night, but I spent the evening in bed with morning (hah!) sickness and a spinning head. ARGH! Will it ever get better?
With this DWI, he started out saying it was his fault and he should pay for his mistakes. Now he's saying he wants to get a good lawyer and see if he can get the charges dropped! His blood alcohol level was .26--more than three times the legal limit here--and his car is totalled.
I have no idea how to deal with this stress on top of pregnancy, parenting, and a new marriage, and still continue to show up at work every day. I was going to go to an Al-Anon meeting last night, but I spent the evening in bed with morning (hah!) sickness and a spinning head. ARGH! Will it ever get better?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Atdusk,
Definately try to make it to an AlAnon meeting. AlAnon has been wonderful for me..the support, the honesty - don't know how I made it through the first 36 years of my life without it.
Just take it one day at a time..I've finally learned how to live my life that way and I have less anxiety and more peace then I have my whole life..
Good luck
Definately try to make it to an AlAnon meeting. AlAnon has been wonderful for me..the support, the honesty - don't know how I made it through the first 36 years of my life without it.
Just take it one day at a time..I've finally learned how to live my life that way and I have less anxiety and more peace then I have my whole life..
Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: albuquerque, nm
Posts: 5
Last night he kept coming into the bedroom (where I was being pregnantly ill) and he kept telling me that obviously I didn't want him around because I was being rude and untalkative. Everything seems to revolve around him and how sorry he's feeling for himself lately. His friends have about given up, because they're tired of pulling him out of one mess or another and want him to take responsibility for himself. I told him last night that I was trying to take care of myself and to please let me do that. It did help a little. For tonight, I told him I'm going to go do something with my son and not to expect us home early.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Britain
Posts: 138
atdusk,welcome to forum.
My AH is a binge drinker to! He won't admit he has a problem. In fact he thinks he doesn't! Weekends are his time for drinking..every weekend we have the same old schedule. He works nights...sleeps until 1-2PM..gets up..has a few cups of coffee and then off to the store we head for some groceries and his usual supply of...DAHs supply..as I call it. We get home,he reads the tabloid paper he likes...gets on computer and the drinking starts. That will be about 3-4PM. By 6PM he is passed out for the first time. Gets very lonely,depressing and I get so angry on the inside about it. But he won't change..no matter how bad I want him to. He can't and doesn't even realize it. He is an alcoholic..like his father and some nephews. None of this family think they have a problem. Know its hard to deal with this type stituation. I have been married for five years and I honestly thought it would get better..but it hasn't. Only gone down hill. For me 'enough is enough' is coming very soon.
Whatever you decide...good luck and know you aren't alone. We are all in the same boat. Married to binge drinkers.
My AH is a binge drinker to! He won't admit he has a problem. In fact he thinks he doesn't! Weekends are his time for drinking..every weekend we have the same old schedule. He works nights...sleeps until 1-2PM..gets up..has a few cups of coffee and then off to the store we head for some groceries and his usual supply of...DAHs supply..as I call it. We get home,he reads the tabloid paper he likes...gets on computer and the drinking starts. That will be about 3-4PM. By 6PM he is passed out for the first time. Gets very lonely,depressing and I get so angry on the inside about it. But he won't change..no matter how bad I want him to. He can't and doesn't even realize it. He is an alcoholic..like his father and some nephews. None of this family think they have a problem. Know its hard to deal with this type stituation. I have been married for five years and I honestly thought it would get better..but it hasn't. Only gone down hill. For me 'enough is enough' is coming very soon.
Whatever you decide...good luck and know you aren't alone. We are all in the same boat. Married to binge drinkers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: albuquerque, nm
Posts: 5
I wish there was some way to educate them! I'm reading Love First, which tells how to do a loving intervention. The authors agree that alcoholics won't seek help until they're ready to, but their challenge is this: "How do they GET ready?" It's educated me so much about alcoholism, giving examples of people who will go over a year without drinking. The authors say it's not how often the person uses alcohol/drugs, it's how they use their drug of choice and what happens to them when they use it. Sadly, I'm beginning to realize that because my DH was raised to think of alcoholism is a sign of weakness, not of illness, he will probably never have the strength to do anything about it. He confided to me this weekend that his father also had a DWI and stopped drinking alcohol completely after the episode. That may be true for my husband as well, but I'm afraid that without treatment, nothing will really be resolved.
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