benefits

My Administrative Assistant got a call at work today from a friend who I also happen to know. Turns out this friend's son who is only 23 and on probation from a DUI accident and some other alcohol related problems was supposed to be gettting his license back after 2 years without it. It was supposed to happen last Thursday but due to some administrative problem he didn't get it. So he decided he was going to go out and get drunk, because surely that solves all problems, knowing full well that he had an appointment with the probation officer the next morning. So he goes to the PO the next day and has to take a urine test - guess what they find - alcohol and probably other substances. Now he will not get his license for at least another year, he has to go to alcohol rehab classes and he must see his PO every week indefinately.
So the friend says to me that I should be glad I got rid of my ABF when I did because she never left her AH and she partly blames herself now for her son's problems - she feels if she would have left him her son would not have been exposed to drinking on a daily basis. I've really been thinking about that a lot this afternoon and I can't help but agree with her. Not that she is to blame but that it was the right decision for me to leave my ABF. I don't want my son raised in an environment where drinking is normal. I can't help but think that seeing this day in and day out must have an influence on the kids. How could I say to my son drinking is wrong when I am living with a man who drinks excessively everyday?? What credibility would I have??? I know some people have no choice due to financial reasons or other reasons and they have to stay with an A. I just don't know how you can deal with that when children are involved. My exABF was concerned about his son the past year or so because his drinking has increased and his GPA is dropping - luckily he did turn 21 recently so at least he is drinking legally now. But everytime his son has been to visit us in the past 2 years my ABF was either drunk or well on his way to getting drunk. He even provided beer for his son, even before he was legal. He also encouraged him to drink. Example - Father's day last year I invited his kids and their SO's over for a bar-be-que. Well they (my ex and his son) finished a case of beer and then we ended up going to a local bar for an additional 4 6 packs - my ex thought this was a wonderful day - best father's day ever - getting drunk with his son while the rest of us watched them act like asses.
I'm just glad I was able to get away from my A before it really influenced my son. Yet another reinforcement for me that even though I love and miss my ABF I did the right thing for me and my son.

Gabe

Well Benefits, I can tell you that I think living with a chronic pot smoker had a definite bad influence on one of my older sons. Spicoli was a closet drinker, but he was pretty blatent about his pot smoking. Fortunately said son had a moderate amount of trouble over the dope habit he developed and got smart before he got in any more. It's kind of a pointless endeavor to be telling your kids that drugs are a bad idea when stepdad is upstairs in the bedroom blowing a bag of dope. I think kids really can follow the example that is set for them.

bikewench

I have to inject my 2 cents here...

I think that .. if one of the adults is in recovery and understands addiction and codependancy and educates the kids on what and why... there is very good chances the kids will pick the high road.

I think the real damage comes when there is rampant codie cycle (use/control) in both adults... and the kids are forgotten... or dragged into the lie...

It's the lie that makes us sick... I think.

amitiredenuff

Haven't visited in awhile. Been busy dealing with the life that my codependency has created and doing all I can to look at me and do better with the present and future. I have been so fortunate to have been sober for almost all of my older daughter's life and at least 5 years of my youngest daughter's life. About 6 months I was in and out of the program because I decided to "join in" rather than stand my ground. Something HAD to be wrong with me. My perspective now, after 7 months being separated from my AH of 23 years, is different. Standing away I can see what the addiction has done and still continues to do. I have gone through so much pain and anguish to get to a place where I have begun to make better decisions and look at what is real and what is fantasy for me. Now, I face the pain I see in my children. Because of God's grace on them both of them are doing well in school and in life, but I see now how we enjoy each other more and feel free to be who we are. We aren't walking on eggshells and there isn't a pink elephant in the living room. The truth is cruel at times, it hurts. It hurts that your dad is so sick that he walked away leaving a ton of things undone, all of the responsibility to be faced by an 18 year old and a mom. It hurts to hear an 18 year old say how angry she is with her dad and how she just doesn't WANT to care anymore. It hurts for him to call our 6 year old daughter and make promises he can't/won't keep. It hurts to move on, but it's the right thing to do. There was no peace for us before. It hurts to know that I sacrificed many opportunities to grow in love with our children because I was waiting for him to be okay. It is terrible to realize that I did not care for them the way I needed to because I was so enmeshed in wishes and dreams for our "whole" family. The family is no longer whole, but the members that are left are wholly in God's hands. He leads, guides, comforts, strenghthens and encourages us. Tears come. Sadness looms sometimes. But the joy of knowing that we are loved by God and that His love is sufficient has finally begun to move us forward into a newfound life of hope. Prayers continue to be said for my AH, he has gone very far down. He is so far removed from life. He is a dead man walking right now. He has nothing to give and cannot recieve either. Addiction is a bubble. He can't touch anything or anyone on the outside of that bubble. He can beat on the walls of that bubble, but until the walls burst through the reality that help is available and he "can" make it, in the bubble he will stay. The lies ARE the worst. The lies they believe we still fall for. I couldn't live that way anymore and our love for him just wasn't enough. Our kids deserve more from life. We can survive pain and we can grow in spite of it. Today I will acknowlege the problem in truth, ask God to take care of it, accept that He is the only one who has any power over it and act in the belief that he will, in our life. My AH has to do the same, and he may never. No more driving stoned with me and our girls, no more lies about money, no more excuses about where he is, no more daily worry, no more control games or manipulation, no more placing the blame somewhere else. No more....this is my journey...no more.
God's love for him is better than anything I have to offer. It is pure and sweet, without resentment, hostility or blame. He does not remember, unfortunately me and the girls are not Him. I'll let Him do His job in us and hopefully in their dad, but I don't want to allow this addiction one more minute of our lives.

wraybear

WOW! I am reading some very powerful stuff tonight!

I am in a position right now, today, to get divorced. I have the papers ready, I just need his signature. I keep holding back because I think there is no way God would want these two beautiful little children to grow up without their dad. I am in a position that any kind of unsupervised custody is out of the question.

But then, I look at my two older daughters from a previous marriage, ages 19 and 21. They haven't lived or seen much of their dad since they were 10 and 12 due to alcoholism. They are responsible, fun, loving, gifted, talented young women. Yes, they are still very young ... but they are drug free, alcohol free, working, going to school, the oldest one is married and they are both very responsible for being so young. So, I think... wait a minute, God does have a plan - I don't expect him to reveal it to me, i just wonder what the heck am I supposed to do? I DO KNOW I CAN NOT LIVE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS DRINKING. period. end of story. won't do it again. So, is it MY will, to put the brakes on and simply say, I am filing for divorce. If you want to make some changes in your life and start walking the walk instead of talking the talk, great... but, I will no longer tolerate A behavior. Controlling? maybe, but my kids safety, mental health, physical health and my sanity are at stake. I CAN NOT LIVE WITH A DRUNK. I know that about myself. So, nothing changes if nothing changes and I am making some changes.

StandingStrong

These have all been great posts and I feel that mine will be less in comparison. However, I will share with you.
For 15 1/2 years, I stayed with my Ah. My children were and still are affected. Not just from the years we spent in the same household with AH, but they will be affected for the rest of their lives.
I've also seen and heard the pain that my brother (an A also) has caused my neices and nephews.
All children are affected by alcoholism. There's no way they can't or won't be. However, depending on the individuals involved, I think that it will affect children differently just as it affects all of us differently.
I know that I look, listen, and watch my 3 children to see how they've truly been affected. And I see it to this day. I believe that two of my children have a better chance of not becoming alcoholics themselves while there is one that I worry about a little more than the other two.
We all do the best that we can and what we feel is right at the time. And we can only keep doing what we feel is best and the best that we can do.
Benefits, I'm glad that you are at peace with the decision that you made. And hopefully we all can feel that way regardless of what our choices are.

minnie

I don't have children, so I can't offer a personal perspective, but I can share something that I read on a website that CodeMaster gave a link to the other day.
http://www.empoweredrecovery.com/articles/gentrack.htm

1 in 4 children of alcoholics will become alcoholics themselves. But ALL children will have codie tendencies of some degree. That amazed me, but then thinking about it, it makes sense.

I think that if the non-A parent is healing from the effects, then those effects must be lessened. Now there's incentive for you to get working the programme!

Good luck everyone - It's hard enough for me without kids, so I don't know how you all cope.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Cap3

It was a real mess.Both parents alcoholics.And all that terrible "stuff" that goes with alcoholism,with 4 innocent children,being brought up in all of this disease.Totally hopeless.Or so i believed at the time.Until one parent headed to the recovery rooms,by God,s grace.Little did we know that this was the beginning of miracles in our family,s lives.Then eventually the other parent came to the recovery rooms.Our kids witnessed this also.They saw to helpless,hopeless parents,become hopeful,and changing.They witness a miracle.They saw the struggles.They saw,us turning to God,for help.And our belief that we will get better.One day at a time.The helping of others,they saw this too.And in the changing they reaped the benifits.As of today none of my kids takes drugs/alcohol.They know what it can do to them if they do.They are all grown,today,they are men.So,as of today,they are all clean.As so,life changes everyday,they to could change their minds about drug/drinking,this i know.But if they do,they know where to go for help,and that help it out there.They witnessed a loving God,who changed their parents.They have no doubts about God.,and His Power,when we turn our lives over to the care of God,for they saw what happened to their parents.No one knows how things will worked out.Ive seen kids brought up with no alcohol,in the home,and the kids are alcoholics.Who knows?Some have started drug/drinking through peer pressure.Kids will make up their own minds.They will witness drinking form other parents,kids,people,,etc..Different strokes for different folks.When lives are put into God,s hands,anything can happen.Some will leave,and some will stay.We stayed together as a family.And can laugh about things.God is first and formost in all our families lives,today.Our family ,is just one of many,many,many who by God,s grace,have pulled through this horrible disease,One day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!

bikewench

Breaking the cycle.

That's why I went into recovery.

For myself.. I could have cared less.

For my daughter... I was ready to move heaven and earth.

I remember my first meeting.

I cried through the whole thing. It was such a relief to learn that I wasn't crazy...

17 years later... my daughter is the joy of my life...
I love her so much.

I owe my life to the 12 steps and the people that work them.

Bless you all.

gelfling

Bike,,,I totally agree with you. Others have lived in a home with an active alcoholic, but one parent was clean and actively working to keep their lives in order and that included the kids. It can be done.

What also needs to be taken into account is the possibility that we will once again jump into a sick relationship. Habit, of course, and not intentional. Then we're back to square 1. We need to heal ourselves first.

bikewench

Gelf...

Jumping back into sick relationships... Exactly.

A person can be zinged by another codie and not even realize their being sucked in until the insanity starts.

That's where ongoing meetings are the best defense. When we're allowed to operate in our own little dysfunctional bubble without the tempering of seeing our dysfunction in others... we can easily get lost and everyone in that unit can get caught up in the lie.

It's not addiction that is cunning .. baffling... and powerful. It's the base disease of codependency.

minnie

I forgot to add, if anyone is worried about the effect of alcoholism on a child, check out the Adult Children of ALcoholics board. Loads of useful info on there.

benefits

I've read all the comments above and while I agree that when one of the parents is detached from the problem it certainly would be a better environment than if the parent was co-dependent I still can't help but think that the drinking has some influence on the child. Here's my example - when I was married to my son's father he was a "weekend" drinker - Friday and Saturday where "his time" to go out to the bars with his friends and drink and Sunday was his day to relax and recover from Fri. & Sat. I was completely detached from my ex-husband's drinking - truthfully I was just glad he was gone (but that's another long story). Anyway I thought I was doing a good job of raising my son and shielding him from the drinking and going out, etc. Well one Friday night when he was three he told me that "mommies stay home with the babies and daddies go out to the bars with their friends". This broke my heart because I didn't want my son growing up thinking that this is what men do - it was shortly after that, that I left. Unfortunately, I ended up with an A with a much worse addiction problem and in this relationship I fell into co-dependency - that lasted about a year until I started my recovery.

bikewench

That's not the truth though.

And today.. I would say just that to a child. I would explain that people have emotions and things happen in life... and some people don't cope well cause they never learned how.

Or that a drug or booze has inserted a physical need into someone's life... and they cannot get their life back on track.

The codie lie is that we must bow to this dysfunction and let it run our lives.

Even when we run... we're still being run.