HELP! How do we stop (enabling)?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: In the dark
Posts: 2
HELP! How do we stop (enabling)?
Our adult son (39) is an alcoholic. We've bailed him out several times and he continues to "relapse."
We know about caring for ourselves. We understand that he will only stop drinking when he decides to stop drinking. We realize his drinking is his problem, no ours.
But we can't stop loving him and worrying about him.
He's lost his job. He's left his wife. He has no money.
He's drinking now. He'll sober up and call, full of apologies and remorse.
What should we do after the phone rings?
We know about caring for ourselves. We understand that he will only stop drinking when he decides to stop drinking. We realize his drinking is his problem, no ours.
But we can't stop loving him and worrying about him.
He's lost his job. He's left his wife. He has no money.
He's drinking now. He'll sober up and call, full of apologies and remorse.
What should we do after the phone rings?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
You don't have to stop loving him. In fact, the most loving thing we can do is allow others to reach their bottom and then find help.
A few ideas to think about:
Read a lot here. Look at the "sticky" or "power" posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one.
Check out al-anon meetings if you haven't already.
Read "Co-dependent no more" by Melody Beattie.
Have the AA phone number near the phone so that you can give it to him when he calls.
I can't imagine how hard it is to have an addicted child. My ex fiance is the A in my life and I know how hard it has been to remove myself from that situation. My heart goes out to you.
Look forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
A few ideas to think about:
Read a lot here. Look at the "sticky" or "power" posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one.
Check out al-anon meetings if you haven't already.
Read "Co-dependent no more" by Melody Beattie.
Have the AA phone number near the phone so that you can give it to him when he calls.
I can't imagine how hard it is to have an addicted child. My ex fiance is the A in my life and I know how hard it has been to remove myself from that situation. My heart goes out to you.
Look forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
old enough to know BETTER!!!!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 396
WOW!
I can just share with you my story. I was an *enabler* for three years. In addition, because of that I, too, became addicted.
I'm NOT trying to make excuses, but the truth is that in my trying to assist someone I loved out of their addiction, I found myself becoming the addict as well.
I have hurt my family dearly. I can honestly say that it wasn't until I realized there was no one left to hurt, to alienate, to dissapoint that I discoverd how truly alone I was/am! The last ones who stuck it out with me were truly the ones that cared the most. But, their faith in me died because they saw that I was doing nothing to resolve my issues with substance dependency. They, too, gave up. NOW, I only have myself to bring myself back. I could have had help, but declined it. NOW, I am all I have to reinvent myself and gain their love and respect back .... hopefully!
Sadly, it takes something HARSH and heart breaking to get us to SEE THE LIGHT!
Losing my best friend's, my younger sister, and my daughters' love and respect was what it took. That, and a close call with the law.
I never would have believed it, but addicts (at least this one) are selfish. They don't or can't look beyond themselves to see what pain they are inflicting.
My sister has STOPPED answering the phone when it's me .... and just recently call my home and spoke to everyone but me. Did it hurt? GOD .... YESSSSS ... more than I thought possible. Do I deserve it. Of course! But, it's what I needed to get me on the RIGHT path!
It's easy to say to care for yourselves .... but it's NOT as easy to do. It's not easy to turn away from those you love who are suffering! I now admire what my family *WAS* going to do .... intervene and force me to get help. However, we all know that *if* the person isn't ready, well then they may not reap the benefits of rehab.
Don't know if I've helped.
I hope things improve for you. My heart goes out to you.
Maria
I can just share with you my story. I was an *enabler* for three years. In addition, because of that I, too, became addicted.
I'm NOT trying to make excuses, but the truth is that in my trying to assist someone I loved out of their addiction, I found myself becoming the addict as well.
I have hurt my family dearly. I can honestly say that it wasn't until I realized there was no one left to hurt, to alienate, to dissapoint that I discoverd how truly alone I was/am! The last ones who stuck it out with me were truly the ones that cared the most. But, their faith in me died because they saw that I was doing nothing to resolve my issues with substance dependency. They, too, gave up. NOW, I only have myself to bring myself back. I could have had help, but declined it. NOW, I am all I have to reinvent myself and gain their love and respect back .... hopefully!
Sadly, it takes something HARSH and heart breaking to get us to SEE THE LIGHT!
Losing my best friend's, my younger sister, and my daughters' love and respect was what it took. That, and a close call with the law.
I never would have believed it, but addicts (at least this one) are selfish. They don't or can't look beyond themselves to see what pain they are inflicting.
My sister has STOPPED answering the phone when it's me .... and just recently call my home and spoke to everyone but me. Did it hurt? GOD .... YESSSSS ... more than I thought possible. Do I deserve it. Of course! But, it's what I needed to get me on the RIGHT path!
It's easy to say to care for yourselves .... but it's NOT as easy to do. It's not easy to turn away from those you love who are suffering! I now admire what my family *WAS* going to do .... intervene and force me to get help. However, we all know that *if* the person isn't ready, well then they may not reap the benefits of rehab.
Don't know if I've helped.
I hope things improve for you. My heart goes out to you.
Maria
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Have you ever heard the term "tough love"? I agree with Minnie, the most loving thing you can do for him is to stop helping him out. Let him live and deal with the consequences of his actions. They are not yours to deal with.
((((()))))
((((()))))
old enough to know BETTER!!!!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 396
Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
the most loving thing you can do for him is to stop helping him out. Let him live and deal with the consequences of his actions. They are not yours to deal with.
((((()))))
((((()))))
Although it took TOUGH LOVE to get me to this point of admission about my substance abuse, it's awfully lonely .... and it's so VERY difficult to do this alone .... without the support or love of those that mean the most. I know I had my chance and blew it .... but in order to make it through without feeling so alone, it would be nice if I had my family back and they understood my addiction ... a little any way!
It's a catch 22 I suppose.
Don't know what the right answer is .... I just know I wish to God I had my family and friends to go to right now. They just gave up hope ... and now I am too embarassed and fearful of rejection to ask them for their help and support ... and their love ... once again.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
findingme
I'm not saying give up on him (or you) altogether. I am all for being there when there is sincerity about finding help and recovery. As you will know, many of us have heard the false promises all too often.
Finding people in the fellowship of AA is one way to get this support if your friends and family aren't around for me. As, of course, is SR!
Good luck
M
x
I'm not saying give up on him (or you) altogether. I am all for being there when there is sincerity about finding help and recovery. As you will know, many of us have heard the false promises all too often.
Finding people in the fellowship of AA is one way to get this support if your friends and family aren't around for me. As, of course, is SR!
Good luck
M
x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by findingme
IAlthough it took TOUGH LOVE to get me to this point of admission about my substance abuse, it's awfully lonely .... and it's so VERY difficult to do this alone .... without the support or love of those that mean the most.
In my experience, I gave all the love and support I could to my AH (from what I've learned....too much). He took complete advantage of it. It took him to lose it all - home, me, kids - to finally realize he had a problem. He finally realized that if he was going to get himself out of debt, he had to do it on his own....no one was going to help him. It was up to him to pay the consequences of his actions.
After 15 years of living with this and a year of me letting go for him to deal with the consequences of his actions on his own, he's been sober since March 7th. And, we are both better off. And as long as he is sincere about his sobriety, I will be there to support him.
old enough to know BETTER!!!!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 396
Originally Posted by minnie
findingme
I'm not saying give up on him (or you) altogether. I am all for being there when there is sincerity about finding help and recovery. As you will know, many of us have heard the false promises all too often.
Finding people in the fellowship of AA is one way to get this support if your friends and family aren't around for me. As, of course, is SR!
Good luck
M
x
I'm not saying give up on him (or you) altogether. I am all for being there when there is sincerity about finding help and recovery. As you will know, many of us have heard the false promises all too often.
Finding people in the fellowship of AA is one way to get this support if your friends and family aren't around for me. As, of course, is SR!
Good luck
M
x
I didn't mean to imply that you meant giving up ALTOGETHER. I just know what it feels like to have no one there. I need to regain their trust and assure them that this attempt is not a FALSE promise. I know that will take time, but it's hard.
Thank you for your words and your advice. I know my NEXT step is to go to meetings .... I just feel FROZEN .... and afraid.
SR has been a tremendous help already!
THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN.
Maria
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
Tough love has some interesting bits to it but I think, as parents, maybe some baby steps in the practical scheme may be in order.
For example, I would feed him a meal but not give him money.
I would pay for a hotel for 1 night but not let him stay in my home.
I would give him a bottle of water so he's not thirsty but I would not give him a bottle of pop.
I do think that he has to hit bottom before he can begin to climb up, but I also realize that there are raw emotions because he's your child, albeit 39 years old is over a child. You need to understand that you are NOT his keeper, he is an adult. Also, that his disease preys on your giving nature. When I started handling this with my husband, I set for him the same parameters that I set for our two year olds. I don't engage them (or him) in battle and I realize that tantrums are just a part of them growing into a 3 year old. There are consequences for their actions, and sometimes the natural consequences that they pay far exceed any time out I could give them. Tough love is letting them fall out of their crib onto the floor (because you've said time and time again that they will get hurt in the fall). When talking doesn't work, the natural splat on the carpet just may jar them enough to listen next time.
Good luck. The road ahead is bumpy.
For example, I would feed him a meal but not give him money.
I would pay for a hotel for 1 night but not let him stay in my home.
I would give him a bottle of water so he's not thirsty but I would not give him a bottle of pop.
I do think that he has to hit bottom before he can begin to climb up, but I also realize that there are raw emotions because he's your child, albeit 39 years old is over a child. You need to understand that you are NOT his keeper, he is an adult. Also, that his disease preys on your giving nature. When I started handling this with my husband, I set for him the same parameters that I set for our two year olds. I don't engage them (or him) in battle and I realize that tantrums are just a part of them growing into a 3 year old. There are consequences for their actions, and sometimes the natural consequences that they pay far exceed any time out I could give them. Tough love is letting them fall out of their crib onto the floor (because you've said time and time again that they will get hurt in the fall). When talking doesn't work, the natural splat on the carpet just may jar them enough to listen next time.
Good luck. The road ahead is bumpy.
old enough to know BETTER!!!!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 396
Originally Posted by Beautiful
that his disease preys on your giving nature.
Just be strong ..... but realize that this is indeed a DISEASE! Don't give up entirely. He needs you. I know you've been hurt, and for that I am sorry ... as sorry as I am for all I've done to my loved ones (including two teenage daughters).
I didn't believe I was hurting anyone .... I wasn't capable of seeing what my actions were doing to others .... until now!
I just hope that your son and I can SNAP OUT OF IT and make it up to those we've hurt.
I hope that getting feedback on both sides of this has helped YOU somewhat!
Much love,
Maria
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
