Sleepless
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Join Date: Sep 2003
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thank you. Last night came out the person from which I fled when I left in the first place. I'd gone all sappy and centimental after being apart and hearing him that one day, but there's my extra sign, major red flag that right now this is how it is, and it's ugly. I never use that word for anything, hate that word, but now I am saying it because this is so ugly and horrible.
I feel so mad him saying I left because I wanted to and am playing a victim. I waited probably too long to leave, and did NOT want to go. And you're right Sarah the animals deserved to NOT stay there and me too. Actually he doesn't deserve to stay there. I'm so mad at myself to for ever putting his name on the house. I didn't know yet though...I have to give myself that. I know it's "what addicts do" it hurts like hell though and I never thought I'd be feeling so uneasy for my own well being. It is some serious emotional manipulation. It's really messed up and it's really messing with me. The main thing I feel is fear. But now soon as I feel it I'm now thinking am I overreacting, geez this is sick. And him saying he's put so much work in to the house, boy could I reply to that one....I feel such a pit in my stomach. I even worry about him taking anger out on other people he has said horrible things about my family and that bothers me so much as well. They were never anything but nice to him, and my mom had to pay someone else to do work he was to do too. I just can't stand the hatred that comes out from him lately. He swears up and down how he'd never hurt me but I fear him nonetheless if nothing else for the severe hatred and vindictiveness that comes out now.
Today I am really struggling not to go nuts. I am hanging on best I can and next Thursday is my counseling appointment. It's just so much at once but at least I don't have kids and ones in school that probably would be even worse. Just trying to look at the bright side....it's hard today though. There's also some stressful stuff going on with my brother, and now my sister too and it's stressful as well, so I am trying to hang on. He better never bother my family. Even though they get on my nerves sometimes I love them and they love me and they have good intentions. He just scares me now. Why do I always have to try to be nice and take the high road to the point I get walked all over I mean listen to all my recent posts and look how it turned out. :-( ok time to change my channel of thoughts!
ps on the cop thing, I have thought about going to see if he broke my grandmas piece of furniture she gave me long ago, but same time, the cops are the ones who told him, and me, he can break whatever he wants if his names on the house - they were awful. and on the house, if he doesn't leave it would have to go forced sale, that's where i worry if it will sell for enough to cover the mortgage and home improvement loan (loan, mostly used up or sold by him, but in my name too....). I now fear living there even if he was out of there because now I worry he'd harbor such hatred and feel his rights were messed with or his friends would. Normally I wouldn't think that but with how he is lately it scares me. It was so cheap to pay though and so lovely, everything i ever wanted. He didn't even like it but has decided I won't have it. I am trying not to hate. But it's hard. Mostly, just fear and upset. And mad at myself too.
I feel so mad him saying I left because I wanted to and am playing a victim. I waited probably too long to leave, and did NOT want to go. And you're right Sarah the animals deserved to NOT stay there and me too. Actually he doesn't deserve to stay there. I'm so mad at myself to for ever putting his name on the house. I didn't know yet though...I have to give myself that. I know it's "what addicts do" it hurts like hell though and I never thought I'd be feeling so uneasy for my own well being. It is some serious emotional manipulation. It's really messed up and it's really messing with me. The main thing I feel is fear. But now soon as I feel it I'm now thinking am I overreacting, geez this is sick. And him saying he's put so much work in to the house, boy could I reply to that one....I feel such a pit in my stomach. I even worry about him taking anger out on other people he has said horrible things about my family and that bothers me so much as well. They were never anything but nice to him, and my mom had to pay someone else to do work he was to do too. I just can't stand the hatred that comes out from him lately. He swears up and down how he'd never hurt me but I fear him nonetheless if nothing else for the severe hatred and vindictiveness that comes out now.
Today I am really struggling not to go nuts. I am hanging on best I can and next Thursday is my counseling appointment. It's just so much at once but at least I don't have kids and ones in school that probably would be even worse. Just trying to look at the bright side....it's hard today though. There's also some stressful stuff going on with my brother, and now my sister too and it's stressful as well, so I am trying to hang on. He better never bother my family. Even though they get on my nerves sometimes I love them and they love me and they have good intentions. He just scares me now. Why do I always have to try to be nice and take the high road to the point I get walked all over I mean listen to all my recent posts and look how it turned out. :-( ok time to change my channel of thoughts!
ps on the cop thing, I have thought about going to see if he broke my grandmas piece of furniture she gave me long ago, but same time, the cops are the ones who told him, and me, he can break whatever he wants if his names on the house - they were awful. and on the house, if he doesn't leave it would have to go forced sale, that's where i worry if it will sell for enough to cover the mortgage and home improvement loan (loan, mostly used up or sold by him, but in my name too....). I now fear living there even if he was out of there because now I worry he'd harbor such hatred and feel his rights were messed with or his friends would. Normally I wouldn't think that but with how he is lately it scares me. It was so cheap to pay though and so lovely, everything i ever wanted. He didn't even like it but has decided I won't have it. I am trying not to hate. But it's hard. Mostly, just fear and upset. And mad at myself too.
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ps me again
just another strong feeling i'm having is it really bothers me that he thinks the things he does. what he is thinking of me is so not what is going on with me or was, or is, whatever. and he is probably spreading these horrible things around.
just another strong feeling i'm having is it really bothers me that he thinks the things he does. what he is thinking of me is so not what is going on with me or was, or is, whatever. and he is probably spreading these horrible things around.
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Grateful List
Grateful list
Thank you, you are right. My only worry is some of the people he knows are not so nice in my opinion. But nevertheless you are right. I do have some good news, I called my counselor to see if she had an opening today and she didn’t but she does next week, plus I already had an appointment next week (my 1st one was almost a month ago!) so next week I get TWO counseling sessions! I am happy about that. And I have to be thankful for my boss he is great. I haven’t told him what’s up but he knows I’m having a hard time and he’s very supportive and will let me go anytime to an appointment for this counselor. When this all started I left early the next day and called off 2 days after and asked him to page me the number of the program for me to get counseling and he did, and says I am in his prayers. Gotta be grateful for the leeway and supportiveness there. I also am grateful for that car I was given the very day before I left thank you God. And for a place to stay with my animals even though the dog has to be in the basement and can’t go outside much :-( I can go sit with him and him and the cat are with me and not some place I don’t know and I’m grateful for that. Also for Alanon, and for places like this with people like all you guys who give love and support. I am grateful for my family who loves me. I am grateful to have a job and be able to eventually find somewhere to live, even though I can’t stand the thought of losing that place, and paying 2x as much elsewhere…it could be worse. I am grateful I have my health even though I need to put about 5 healthy food pounds back on because I look sort of scary right now. I am grateful for things to be grateful for, and for the things that remind me I am not alone and someone is watching over me like getting that car was some kind of perfect timing…
Cloudy
Thank you, you are right. My only worry is some of the people he knows are not so nice in my opinion. But nevertheless you are right. I do have some good news, I called my counselor to see if she had an opening today and she didn’t but she does next week, plus I already had an appointment next week (my 1st one was almost a month ago!) so next week I get TWO counseling sessions! I am happy about that. And I have to be thankful for my boss he is great. I haven’t told him what’s up but he knows I’m having a hard time and he’s very supportive and will let me go anytime to an appointment for this counselor. When this all started I left early the next day and called off 2 days after and asked him to page me the number of the program for me to get counseling and he did, and says I am in his prayers. Gotta be grateful for the leeway and supportiveness there. I also am grateful for that car I was given the very day before I left thank you God. And for a place to stay with my animals even though the dog has to be in the basement and can’t go outside much :-( I can go sit with him and him and the cat are with me and not some place I don’t know and I’m grateful for that. Also for Alanon, and for places like this with people like all you guys who give love and support. I am grateful for my family who loves me. I am grateful to have a job and be able to eventually find somewhere to live, even though I can’t stand the thought of losing that place, and paying 2x as much elsewhere…it could be worse. I am grateful I have my health even though I need to put about 5 healthy food pounds back on because I look sort of scary right now. I am grateful for things to be grateful for, and for the things that remind me I am not alone and someone is watching over me like getting that car was some kind of perfect timing…
Cloudy
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
God's perfect timing! that is wonderful that you will be able to get 2 sessions in next week! i know what you mean about having great bosses. the 2 folks i support have been wonderful in my times of distress and need and they don't know the whole ugly story. we truly do have much to be grateful for and if it takes us writing it out so that we can see that, then so be it! keep your chin up girl - give those animals a hug for me ok!
hugs - chris
hugs - chris
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
cloudy, you can tell the cops that they are not lawyers and if you are asking for police protection they need to just do their jobs. else you should get their badge numbers and report them to their superiors. or at least tell them that to get them off their dead you-know-what. you live there too and YOU have certain rights as well.
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