cloudy

thank you. I am trying to find something positive each day, even if I feel sad at the time. But, at the same time, I also have to face my feelings and go through them, and right now they just are not good at all. Right now, I am feeling like a failure. The "logical" part of me knows to say "hey step 1 remember" but the rest of me is feeling like a failure, that this relationship is ending. I do not want it to end. More so, I did not want it to turn out the way it did. I keep feeling perhaps I missed something, messed something up, that let it get to where he suddenly was so horrible toward me. Crazy I "know" but yet I "don't know" in so many ways. If that makes any sense. Well gotta go if I get too deep it'll be hard to get out. I'll talk more later. Thanks again, I appreciate that you are checking in on me. Can't say enough.

cloudy

ps CW, I am sorry to hear you are feeling sad today. Will send a prayer your way too

JessicaNAJ

What you say makes complete sense. But keep in mind that you have done everything you could. You know you cannot make him better and until he does that for himself, you have to take care of yourself, which you are so admirably doing.

My brother called me every day when AH and I first seperated, he would say four little words and then hang up....those words, and I will say them to you, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. It is so easy to critize yourself and say you could have done more, but in reality until the A realizes for themselves that they need to do something to, all you can do is take care of you.

cwohio

prayer back to you cloudy!!!!

cloudy

---------------------------------------
you know before, I kept thinking "just hang on and keep doing Alanon and everything will be ok and the miracle will happen" well Alanon is helping me a lot, although it's not happening the way I wanted, not going the road I wanted. I wasn't even ready to make this huge jump at all...it was all too fast, too fast. But I have been told God was doing for me what I couldn't do, and I've been told each thing/step is temporary, shall pass, etc.

how have i been doing. well, it's been hard. I've had to really fight myself wanting to run back home and back to him. But I know I can not turn back. Especially after the state things got to. If I turn back it might feel good for a little while but then I have to face it'd probably go back and get even worse, and i might as well be throwing me, and him, in the trash. But it is hard because I love him so much, and what things "used to be" and it's hard to accept reality right now. But I have to.

And I have to change. That's all I've got to go on right now, that's it. I just know I have to change. Don't know if I'm doing it right or wrong, don't know what to do, but I have to change. And it indeed does take courage and i'm only holding up from support by others such as here and alanon. I don't like it at all. It feels horrible, it hurts, I'm homesick, lovesick, and I am forcing myself to not do what I want to do. And only on the notion that this is what I must do....and hoping it's right.

I still don't think I'm doing such a great job accepting reality. I don't want it to be over between us. But I have to say to myself that, for right now, I can not live with him. And if I have to keep it just at that level of separation for now so be it. These have been the most days we have not talked to eachother all these years. I hate it. Don't know what he's doing, I did pick up the phone Friday after alanon he'd been calling about since the time it gets out. However I had stayed to talk afterwards as I needed it very much.

I answered the phone when I got out it was him he said he is miserable and wants me to come home, loves me), hates having me out of his life, misses me and the animals etc. what does this letter mean etc. He was drunk though. I told him I am miserable too and just drag myself to work every day and cry a lot and I love him with all my heart but I can't come home right now and we'll have to talk about the rest when he is not drunk but know that I love him. He said he'd been calling hotlines all week and his old aa numbers and was going to a meeting tomorrow (this past saturday).

So I figured he'd call me sober after that or something well I have not heard from him. So now I'm all nervous because see this letter said a lot of emotional stuff from me. Basically how much I love him and how I want the past to come up here to the present and future and I hate this and am so miserable but it has to stop and I think he should go. And would he please sign the form (quit claim) with a notary (i have it would have to take or send to him) and please let me know by friday well that friday was the one i'm talking about now. and he should have got it monday but said he'd just got it 2 days ago (i don't know if he's always staying at the house or not, don't know).

So now, I guess I have to call him to make it clear what I'm saying, which is extremely difficult for me because it goes against my natural feelings but i feel i must do it, and have to tell him i want him to leave. If I don't have an answer from him, I'll remain stuck. And there's pressure that I need to make a move in some direction soon, I've been out of there 2 weeks now and if it does have to turn legal (please God no....) then I need to know it.

If I write another letter who knows how long that could take, but if I call him I fear I will mess up, cave, everything. I started writing down my thoughts as well as some things i thought he might say and how would i respond to that so as to go againt what i want to happen (which i have to accept is probably not realistic for more than a short period of time) and what i must do. I got stuck. So I froze.

I called some alanoners one said stop worrying about what he'll say just say what's there and don't be wishy washy (which i am right now) it's gotta be clear or he won't know, stick to your guns. The other said write it out, write out some things you think he'd say and your response etc (basically what i had started doing) and I said yeah i started doing that, got stuck but will keep trying.

So what I came away with was bascially, I need to get it clear in my head before I can make it clear without faltering. So tonight I am going to just sit myself down and put my thoughts on paper, and hope I come up clear.

I think the problem is that, this whole thing is not what I want, so that's why i'm wishy washy. It's more what I think I must do, for me to get better. And also must stop allowing things to continue on that path. (which affects me as well, and him too)

So, just pray for me please, the serenity prayer I guess it really fits right now. I miss him. But I have to be brave and strong and do the opposite of what I want to do....but from my heart. That won't change it'll still be from my heart but I have to be firm or I might get walked on. I'm in sappy stage right now about things. Have to remember as one person said, how I felt the moment I left, why I left. That feeling was so strong it had me leaving. Which for me, took a lot to have me leave out of there, never wanted to do that, ever. I need to remind myself of the bad things right now, seems strange to tell myself to think of bad things, but...otherwise I'm focusing on all the things, the sappy good things that i miss. but i must remember i've missed some of those things even before all this...and plus some now after...it hurts so..maybe i need to remember some bad things to put me on track.

Well thanks for listening. It's long I know, and it's only the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts. I have so much inside so many thoughts, feelings, it'd take forever to write it all out. Please pray for me for guidance, because my feet and heart want to go one road, but my mind knows i must go the other, and it hurts. But i know if there's any chance at all for us, it must change. And this doesn't even mean we'll ever get back to being healthy. And that's hard for me to accept right now. Yet I have to go on that road anyway, for the other road will only be ruin anyway, and that too is hard to accept right now.

Serenity prayer 3 big parts - accept, courage, wisdom.....thanks sincerely

CLOUDY

JessicaNAJ

Wow - Cloudy, you are doing wonderfully (as hard as it may seem from your point of view). Your strength is incredible. I will say a prayer for you, but I can tell, your HP is taking very good care of you.

Continue your growth. It is the best thing for you. You already know that he is the only one that can change himself and unless/until he does that, you are all you've got. Take good care of you!!!

((((())))

cwohio

cloudy - so many of your thoughts sound like mine. you sound like you know what you need to do (need vs. want - that's a big one for me too!). i am going to say a prayer for you after i finish this post.

hugs - chris

cloudy

Jessica, CW, thank you. 2 simple words that are used so often and their meaning therefore can become minimized I feel. But I truly mean it from the very core and with complete sincerety and gratefullness. I don't know how else to say it right now.

I wrote out my feelings on paper as planned, trying my best to clear things up in my own head, state them, think of different things he might say and my thoughts on them...that was Monday. Tuesday I took a break but read my courage to change book a little bit and still thought. Went to sleep my pager woke me about 10p but I didn't call it, went back to sleep. Last night after getting done with things, I sat with the dog a bit and tried to calm myself and prepare to just call him last night. I think it was helpful to write out my thoughts but I feel I still will never be truly prepared, so I need to just do it. Well, here he stopped over at my mom's, he was on the porch, someone across the way waiting in a car had brought him. Said he'd been trying to call since the next day after our brief conversation Friday noted in last post, even had his mom try. I honestly never got those calls, just the one Tuesday night I just mentioned. Don't know if he believes me, about that or that I planned to call him. I don't know if I would believe me either, sounds suspicious but it's the truth. There was a night it was off, but that's it. Otherwise it will say missed call, etc. plus I had turned my voicemail on. He says it doesn't come on. Oh well anyway....it just bothers me a little that it seems I was hiding. In a way, I was not ready to deal yet though. But I had/have resolved that it must be done and was eager to just do it. Still bothers me though, that he'd been calling, I wish I just would have called earlier. There's other ways he could have reached me too though (vm at work, letter in the self addressed stamped envelope, hard as it may be for him to do as he says, he could have) Well, "under the bridge" as it goes..and not the main subject at hand anyway in this whole situation.

Either way, after tonight I should know where he stands on whether he will agree for me to live there and him not, at least not now or for a while. I am very nervous. I think what bothers me most is, the fear of him (especially), and/or his family/friends whoever, thinking that I am being cold and selfish, running away, quitting....I just don't know if I'll have all the right responses to that. Those things are the last things I want to be, and they're not where I am coming from or where my mind and heart are at - and I hate the thought of being "seen" as being those things. I feel right now, that this is me "not quitting" and that this is the ONLY chance that things would work out in the future, if they would which IS what I would want. But this must not be my reason. The main reason must remain that I need to be able to live in peace and with what's happened I do not see that being able to happen with him there. I have no reason to truly believe (except in denial) that his demeanor right now would last and things would not return to their progressive state of mind and action or lack thereof - and that goes for me or him. I'm sick - I see it lately more than ever - and I know I need to change or I'll get even worse. And it won't be helping him out any either if things go back how they were.

He says we have to talk, have to do something and that is true. I told him I know and I am wanting to finish our converationtoo, but to also read that letter again, that I pretty much told him my feelings in that. He said he has hardly stayed at house either (i believe that he doesn't really like staying there alone). And he said and where are the animals this isn't their fault (ok hello i am not punishing the animals and no i know it's not their fault - I want to go home with them there but not with you there helllloooo) I briefly mentioned I do want to go home but not with you there now. I don't know he might not have heard i wasn't talking very loud. Anway, it'll all come out tonight. I hope I stay clear. It's very hard to do and like I said I'm so worried about how my thoughts and plan of action will be taken/perceived. But I know I must let go of that. I must just have faith and keep it from the heart and that's all I can do. The rest is out of my hands. Still scary though, still nervous. Still want to go home and everything be happy but....still mustn't turn back. I need to keep my resolve. It's hard to do, talking to him, seeing him, worrying too a bit...to a lot...he seems miserable as me. He doesn't look so good either, like me.

I love him so much, I really do. But you know what I remember all the BS too and neither me, or the animals, must deal with that anymore. If the good stuff can come back someday great. But I will no longer be party or allow the animals to be party, to the bad stuff. That's that. Gotta remember that, because that is reality and I don't want it to be my reality ANY MORE. or the animals. He misses them too and I wonder if he thinks I'm "punishing" him with that. Well, I'm not. Down the road if things go right he can come visit them. But it won't go back to the way it was.

I have to keep the belief that I can't turn back. I don't feel great about it but what else is there besides either not turning back, or turning back....neither feels good right now, but one of them, I feel I can at least somewhat predict the outcome and it's not good so....gotta go with door number 2 I guess and hope and pray for the best. I wish it could be what I want, which would be that down the road we would be together again, but healthy and him in recovery and me not so sick anymore. But unfortunately well I know it's not my show.

Well I better go. I think I need to just think of something else right now, feeling too anxious. Well, just pray for me I guess, or send good thoughts, whatever I'll take anything, anything will help. I'll be praying today for guidance, clarity, communication skills, and that he'll understand or at least know the truth of where I'm coming from, and that things will carry on peacefully and won't have to go any further on a bad road...

***THANK YOU***

Cloudy

cwohio

cloudy - prayers for all of the above to you. you sound so determined to move ahead and i am humbled by your courage to do so. i pray that i can make some leaps instead of the baby steps i have been taking in my life. your feelings just sound so much like mine that it's scary. below is something i received today in e-mail - i think it applies!

Prayer for Calm and Comfort

With your soothing fingers,
wipe away the lines that worries have etched on our faces.
Surround us with calm,
let us rest in the glow of peace,
as if we were encircled with the Moon's own light.
Let our concerns and tensions drain away from us,
pouring as water into your Earth.

- Ceisiwr Serith

cloudy

geeez i just lost my response- i hate that. it was deep too...%^&*

anyway I said well look at it this way I can be the guinea pig LOL
and i said i'm scared and sad and i don't want to have this conversation w/him tonight i want to hold on to him and him to me but i must remember it's not ok to do that and it's too soon. or i think so anyway, hope i'm not overstepping it...especially when it goes so against what i first want to do. but must remember what an alanoner said if it's meant to be it will be. i hope he will hear my words from my heart and not from a place of mistrust....thank you for the calm and comfort prayer, it does apply and i appreciate it. i feel like i'm about to walk to the gallows or something, or see someone else there...i hate this feeling. but i know i have to move one way or the other, can't stay stuck in this limbo spot....i don't like this, don't like it.

if it's meant to be it will be, if it's meant to be it will be, gotta stay strong gotta move to the light even though it looks so gloom right now

cwohio

i will be thinking about you tonight and saying some prayers!!

hugs - chris

Sara1972

Hi Cloudy

I just wanted to say that I think you are very wise and strong (although you may not feel it).

I to have worried for my cat, when my H has been on a drunken rage. He didn't hurt her, but she was petrified by him because he was throwing stuff around the room.

I think when you see it affecting someone or something else, you finally realise how bad things are.

Hugs to you and sending you peace and serenity.

Sara

cloudy

Hello Sarah, how have you been, ok I hope. I read your post you had out not long ago. Thank you so much. I feel good when someone writes I'm being strong, smart, etc. But it is true, I do not feel it. Right now I feel upset, sad, nervous, anxious, scared, angry, regretful, disbelief...
The part about being worried for your cat. Even though I know it makes sense I was worried for the animal's safety, it is good to have someone saying it, feeling the same way this morning. For he says I never should have taken them out of the house, that they don't deserve to have to leave, and he wants to see HIS dog and HIS cat. Nevermind the fact of why I took them out of there, and about the throwing things, pushing furniture all over the room, saying mean things to and about them when in a raging drunk...Furthermore he says I am playing victim and I left because I wanted to and if I don't stop over this weekend to talk in person he's changing the locks and I'll have to "ask" to come over after being gone a month.

I will write more later, it's so horrible, he was nothing at all like he had been on the phone last Friday, he was horrible and suspicious and mean, he won't see where I'm coming from, to him I am being selfish and horrible, only care about the house which by the way he says he tore up inside and out, and will not sign over and will not leave and that he put his blood and sweat into it with work and a bill would pay all the rent and bills 3 times over, etc (nevermind the fact all that has not been done, all that's been destroyed, sold, stolen prior etc). And he thinks it's ridiculous how I feel. Said I was ridiculing him, putting him down, trying to keep him down with past drug use, (no, I left because of CURRENT/RECENT events). He just doesn't get it. I never even got to get it all out what I wanted. It kept going to me calling cops, leaving and me saying I left because I was afraid and that's why I haven't come home, I do not want to be where I am OR have the animals here but don't feel I can live there with you there. He says I'm playing victim. He says if we were married he could sue me for lack of sex and his testosterone was all built up making him angry and suspicious and that at the beginning of our relationship he waited 6 months and nobody he knows would ever have done that without cheating....I'm so disgusted with how it went, so upset. I can't even write it all out it'd take forever. He got so much nasty stuff into the conversation and somehow leaves me seemingly holding all the blame. I'm just at a loss right now.

At this point I don't even know if I'd feel safe if I legally got the house and could stay there. He doesn't even like it, calls it a **** hole. Says he wants me to refinance to get $ give him 3 months and he'll have it fixed up we can sell it and go our way and I can go by my own house ("we bought this house together" he says....) Well that'd be fine but already one home improvement loan is gone no thanks to him and I can't trust him with more $ under my name, nor can I believe he'll do that. So if it does have to be sold now I don't know what it looks like now, more messed up than ever. I'm so upset. And if I did stay there now and get him out, I'd feel scared because he's got it so stuck in his head that I do NOT "deserve" to live there more than him as I feel and in his mind I'm being selfish. I fear he'd be so full of anger and hate and have his so called friends and everyone else feeling the same way, through his twisted perception and the fact they don't know all the facts. I love that house, he hates it, he decided we had to move not long ago, and since I didn't want to I guess he figures well I can't have it and he'll destroy it. I am already leaving so much out, I did not sleep well at all last night. And so much hatred and suspicion in one conversation, it was horrible.

I just wanted to tell him I love him but want to go home alone for now and that if he gets into recovery that would be wonderful but if not I can not continue the same way. None of that would get through last night, not in it's true sense.

I'll write more later,
Cloudy

minnie

Please help me understand this. What is it about him that you love?

I am sorry that things are going how you would wish. Of course he's laying the blame at your feet. That's what alcoholics do.

Hang in there.

Love

Minnie
xxx

cloudy

Minnie, the part of that sentance /paragraph you pulled out and asked about, to answer you - nothing right now. But that's not my main concern at this point. thanks, cloudy

Sara1972

Hiya Cloudy

I'm ok thanks , hanging in there. Just to add regarding what he said about your animals not deserving to leave...

They did not deserve to stay! and neither did you. Both you and your animals were in danger. Never doubt that.

I hope the sun is shining where you are.

/hugs

Sara

cwohio

cloudy - sorry to hear things went rough. no advice - just prayers to you!

hugs - chris

JessicaNAJ

(((Cloudy)))

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and sending prayers your way.

escape artist

cloudy, i would suggest next time you go to the "house" take the cops with you. let them see what he has done to the house and then have him removed. he is a threat and they will see this if he has torn up the house.
hold your ground, he is trying to emotionally manipulate you. even if you do love him, you still must take care of you!
you are doing fine and as you continue in your recovery you will see that you are fine.

JessicaNAJ

Okay - I just read your post from yesterday (Sorry I seemed to have missed it earlier). Cloudy, I know you love the house, but I suggest you start over (I know you are strong enough to do this). Honey, you don't know how much damage he's done and if its as bad as he says it is, you are going to have a really hard time selling it.

OR, you can do what EA says and take the police with you to the house to get your belongings so you can see for yourself what damage has been done.

YOU DON"T NEED THIS. He IS maniuplating you. He's trying to blame your resentment from his past drug issues instead of taking the blame for what he's been doing to you recently. As long as he drinking or using, he'll never see it.

I don't want to see you get hurt. You are trying to move forward, put on your shoes and keep going. FORWARD.....