cloudy - it's a shame that your mom feels the need to broadcast your story but she obviously has issues of her own. ann is right - you can't change what is. i know you must feel all alone right now and scared to death. please know we are thinking about you and praying for you and a peaceful resolution to your situation. a big hug to you - can you feel it?

thank you. I need all the hugs prayer and support i can get right now. i feel sort of bad for what i said about my mother. although i do feel she is a drama queen at times, i do love her and i know she loves me. she sent me an email saying that my aunt (the one she wrote, from my dad's side) said she sends her love. then she wrote on there, "i don't know if you know this, but your aunt had to flee a place she adored once, so she truly means it when she says this" now, i doubt my aunt had the mortgage in her name and had been paying everything but, still.

i took the day off work today, again. i have to go back tomorrow. i couldn't do it, i couldn't go in. i hope by tomorrow i've gained enough strength. i look awful. too skinny. i think at first it was because way back in january when he got out of rehab, i decided i would not be drinking (used to drink just about every weekend, not like him but at that time i thought his only problem was drugs - that's what he had been heavy into until lately when it turned to more alcohol). also that i'd quit georging myself and stop eating when i was full (much hunger used to be caused by drinking) anyway that caused the loss of much bloating and discomfort, that i stopped drinking. but now, i think it's depression. plus in all the stress of the past month or 2, i think i ate less...you're talking to someone who loves food. course, that was one of our things...one of our special things was food. i look too skinny. i hate it if my face looks thin, and it's looking thin. i mean at first it was nice to have my jeans fit, but now they sag, it's not pretty. when i called off today, on my boss's voicemail, i asked him to page me the number of our program through work for counseling, and he did. i'm lucky to have such an understanding boss. i've called and been set up, now i just have to make the appointment which i called and left a message and gave my pager to get me in asap. I only hope they have an opening today. I want to march in there right now.

I am really struggling with not knowing whether to call him or not, or leave a letter in the mailbox at the house (at end of driveway) asking, begging please sign the quit claim. Or to try talking to his mom, aunt, uncle, saying please talk to him. This is one of the things the free consult law suggested. other than that, i'm screwed. lose the house, lose money, lose credit...

i'm absolutely devastated. i wonder now if i should have left yet....i know i felt at the time i absolutely had to, what with being accused of cheating and him tearing up the house and screaming at me. I was terrified. but now, look where i am. more depressed than before. i'm not saying i should continue to live like i was, just that i'm so homesick....and it should be the other way around. he loses place to live....not me! i already lost him, as did he but this just isn't right. and i feel like i've just put MYSELF into this misery, by leaving. I know i'm off kilter right now but this is how desperate and sad i am right now. I just want to go home. I want to talk him into leaving, he doesn't pay anything and he said he hates it there. It's just not right me being here and losing my home.

I still am shocked at how much drugs and alcohol change a person, from one thing, into another. Him, and me on the other end, both. From happy, to sad. I loved him, so much. I miss him, the him he was...before he changed.

cloudy - glad to hear you are able to take advantage of the counseling - i do hope they have something for you today too, i think you could use the support. i know about skinny - i have lost some weight since things have gone downhill with my ah. but i am trying to take care of myself and eat regularly. i don't think you are going to get anywhere with him. maybe by first talking to his family, whoever you think he might be most open to listening to. i have thought about the same thing - why should i lose everything i have worked for if it comes to that, but if it does come to that - i guess my sanity and self are the only "everythings" that really matter in the long run.

take care and let us know how today goes for you!

hugs - chris

thanks CW, I got in to see the counselor today, due to a cancellation. the next one is 22 days away, where i wish it were tomorrow. i need to write myself a note to call and ask them please get me in if there are any more cancellations.

she was good. the hour seemed like 15 minutes. i have so much to address it just went very fast. i am very tired, i have so much to do it seems. and being pushed by my family. i don't really care for that. appreciate help, but give me some breathing room. they are getting on my nerves. this brain can not be expected to figure everything out or do as they wish on the drop of a dime. i am too frazzled and need a rest. gotta hurry if gotta use the law, yeah i know but let me think already. i can't even do simple things right now like pump gas or miss a pothole or remember to take my purse. so i need to be left alone!

it's so much to process. while i was out visiting the dog, the cell phone showed 4 missed calls when i came back (had left it in the car) I don't know what to do. Don't want to run and hide, yet do. Fear I'll go overboard if I talk to him now, yet maybe I'd get some answers to ease some of the overload (such as will he sign over and leave the house, or not). I started to write a letter but am blank.

just keep praying for me please. I need peace, wisdom, and guidance. I wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow. When that alarm goes off, and I wake up, to reality, it feels horrible. It's so much to drag myself out of bed to go somewhere, feeling so horrible.

i'll keep updating. might as well keep it on the same thread i guess.

thanks again
cloudy (trying to find a ray of sun...so far, eclipse)

Cloudy, Melody Beattie wrote once about the feeling "I want to go home". I can't say it as well as she did, but she said that it's a feeling we get when our world had been turned upside down, when we feel emotionally unstable however valid the instability may be, and when we feel like a stranger even among friends.

"I want to go home", she said, was a phrase that really meant we wanted to be safe, comfortable in familiar surroundings, and at peace with our spirit. You will go home again, Cloudy, maybe not to your house or at least not for now, but you will "go home" to that peaceful serenity and sense of safety when you have worked through this and get your balance back once more.

Hugs
Ann

Ann, thank you so much. I wish I could find the right words to convey my thanks for that.

I'm at work today, but not very productive. Lots of tears, and next to no concentration abilities. Every once in a while I stop though and I'm fine. Must be that defense mechanism stuff again. I called the counselor and left a message to keep my number on hand for any cancellations. She left me a voicemail saying she would. I think she will be a good counselor for me. I hope she gets a cancellation because 22 days from now is too far.

I called and had the voicemail put on my cell. I am going to try to write him a letter tonight. It will probably take me several tries. I want nothing more than to run home, but I know I can't. It's very hard. It'd be much easier if I could hate him somehow, not that i want to hate, just that somehow it seems so much more painful this way. I'm just drudging along right now and frankly that's got everything to do with the support i'm receiving or i'd probably just stay in bed or something.

i'm trying to keep a sense of humor, it comes and goes. i'm faking it really but i'm just trying whatever i can

I'm just peeking in on my lunch break, Cloudy, and am sending you some hugs to help you get through the day.

You are doing well to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's good for us to take quiet time for ourselves to heal and deal with things, but getting back out into life can put the balance back. Time for work, time for play and time for rest...it's all about balance.

Hugs
Ann

How does that saying go? Fake it till its real. *hugs* just keep on doing what your doing one day at a time and it will come together for you. Dont feel like you have to rush to do anything at the moment, you just need time for you to heal.

Thinking about you and sending prayers

cloudy - you have made great strides. i think writing a letter will do you good - sometimes writing out the words can help us release. i don't think talking on the phone with him will get you anywhere.

hopefully your family can give you some "down" time. just let them know in a nice but firm way that you can only process so much right now and are doing the best you can for YOU! take care and do keep us up to date - extra prayers coming your way!

hugs - chris

Ann, Cynay, CW, I hope you know how much these words of encouragement mean to me, and do for me. I am going to try to go to sleep
cloudy

I have just read this from beginning to end. I just wanted to say that I am sooo sorry for your pain. NO ONE should live with the conditions you were dealing with. I am so proud of you for leaving to stay with family. I know that wasn't/isn't easy for you.

I can tell you are a very very strong person and, although you may not see it, you are handling things wonderfully.

I am sending hugs and prayers your way. Keep taking positive steps for yourself and your animals!!

thank you Jessica, i don't feel it or see it now, but it gives me some hope when people say i am doing well or did the right thing. I sure do not feel it though. Last night I had a dream my cell phone rang, and i was glad because i had my voicemail turned on yesterday morning. And I though oh good I will finally get an idea of "where he is at on all this" and maybe it will help me figure some things out. Not that I can go home with him there, just that I might know if he's in nice mode, or bad mode, or what. But it didn't ring. I keep asking myself should I have called back Monday, or Wednesday when I saw those missed calls, I don't know. Normally, I would have. But things have changed, and I don't know anything about anything. Just that they have to change. Definitely not the kind of change I was hoping for, for so long. I just thought if I keep holding on, it'll happen, just hold on...

But it didn't. I still have my engagement ring on. Can't bring myself to take it off. Not even when I put hand lotion on, like before. I am allowing it for myself as things sink in, hopefully it's not hurting me to do this.

I wrote him a letter yesterday. The counselor said it was ok. I think I might have added a little more sap than she'd recommend though, I don't know. I just wrote it from the heart. Plus some parts I had to basically force myself to write. And told him let me know by Friday his answer on the house, and I included a self addressed stamped envelope to my moms.

I miss him so much. Not the mean him, but him. Wasn't like this before. That amount of alcohol, it's just too much, and drugs, that put him out of his mind. Both together, or even lately that amount of alcohol, I can't stand to think of it.

I don't know if he misses me right now, or if he's partying it up over there having people over. I'd like to think he misses me and if he were having people over partying it up i'd probably feel pretty hurt and mad. Or if the house is all torn up, (well MORE torn up i guess i should say)oh i would be so mad. I see myself getting all sentimental here, where as last week I was in the middle of it all and just right there in the chaos with the bad stuff right in my face - wanting it to stop. Hating it. Angry, hurt, upset. I need to remember I need to stay a little bit angry, for my own good. Because otherwise I might not stick up enough for myself, and I need to. Stay the high road be myself that way stay with my principles, but stay a little angry somehow, or I'll just be hurting myself. Oh I don't know. Guess this sounds pretty codependant, right in my face codependant, that I want to know how he feels so badly, and that it would likely affect my feelings. But at the same time, is that so abnormal really? To want to know "where he's at in all this?"

I miss home so bad. I hope he's there, checking the mail gets that letter says yes I'll sign over and go. Even then I'm still sad. But at least I would get home back. I miss home. The dog and cat miss it. The cat used to have this big huge room to tear across, now he's practically chlostrophobic. All I can think of to do is just pray every day. And keep getting out of bed and do the best I can. Which isn't saying much. I go see the dog every day. I just pray I get us all together soon. I am thankful for having a place to stay, my poor mom probably doesn't know it what with me moping around silently. And thankful the cat is here, and thankful the dog is safe somewhere at least for now and I hope it goes and goes...until I get us home, hopefully "old home", and that I have a car that I can go visit the dog with.

I went to alanon last night. My favorite lady there, she and I are always early. And she's the first person I met there. She is in her 70's though I wouldn't have guessed 70's. She bought and gave me the Courage to Change book. That was so nice of her. Last night I just opened it up to any page praying please let it be something for me I need right now. It was page 69 and it talked about not knowing what to do, and different approaches to that. the saying at the bottom said honest doubt can have more faith in it than most creeds. I will read it again today, and keep reading.
I always feel good when I'm at Alanon. But I did feel this big sadness that this Friday, I was going back to a different house. A house. Not home.

But I guess I could also look at it as last Friday was the beginning of an over the edge situation...and I was out of that, even though I'm feeling so bad...I don't know. I'm trying really hard to just hold on to faith and hope. The support I get is really keeping that going. I'm trying to think of any good I can. But right now, it's very hard. Just because the happy world that was to be, is in it's final stages of crumbling, it's here and I wasn't ready. I didn't want it, ever. It hurts, it hurts my heart dreams spirit...inside is just so hurt.

I am going out to visit the dog. I will write more later. I have so much inside but this message is already so long. And it'd probably just go in circles anyway. I am going to get started on this day.

i'm back from my day. i'm feeling worse and worse. i want to go home, i hate this

Cloudy

Just reading your second last post here, I am telling you honestly from my heart that I see major recovery happening. Yes, there is pain. And the only way to get past the pain is to walk right smack dab through the middle of it. MG taught me that, and I'm not easily teachable, but if ever she was right about anything she was right about that.

Listen to yourself...

You clearly recognize the need for change.

You are taking small pieces at a time and managing as best you can with them.

You are turning it over to God and doing your part by showing up to let life happen.

You are going to meetings, have connected with someone there who can guide you and accepting what is offered. You are reading good recovery material.

You are hanging on to faith and hope even as the pain persists.

Cloudy, I promise you, codie's honour, that it does get better, and when you are doing the "do" things like you are it will not only get better but you will grow.

I'm sending a huge hug because you sound like you need one, but know that it's a proud hug too, because I am so proud of you for doing what you are doing. :hug:

Hugs
Ann

thanks Ann, but i don't know anymore. i don't know if i did the right thing. it feels all wrong right now. other people stay...and i left and i'm devastated. missed calls showed on my cell, but no voicemail left. want to call so bad, even though i don't want to talk to him, i do but i know i "cant"...i told his mom that day i called she could call the number. but now, i don't know if it's her, or him. i am afraid to call but want to with every bit of my being....i know i just want to somehow vicariously have contact with him through someone else. i think. or maybe to find out "what is going on....with the house situation..." or to let someone from "his family" know how miserable i am...i don't know. i want to be at home, by him on the couch. and with the animals. i want my old guy back. i want my life back that was ripped away with my heart, my soul....the only and best way i can describe how i feel right now, is only alive enough inside to feel misery and pain, and heartbreak....intense heartbreak and longing for everything back...i hate this, i hate it.

Cloudy, there are no rules in recovery. If you would feel better calling him, then call him. Perhaps it will answer some of your questions, perhaps not. You can hang up if the conversation is not good.

Recovery is doing what is right for us, and what is right for me may not be what is right for you. You have been around long enough to recognize your motives and know if you can handle whatever may happen.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying, the choices are all yours to make. If you are anything like I am, you'll make some good ones and you'll make some bad ones and learn from both choices.

Choose what's right for you, Cloudy. That's recovery working too.

Hugs
Ann

EVERYthing you've said to me has been good Ann, and it has helped me.

hope this helps
 

when my abf and i used to live together it used to be really tuff for me. he would stay out all nite drinking and most of the time i was at home, because when i drank it was either with him (and then we did drugs) or when i was alone with friends when he was gone for weeks at a time at camp working. but when he was out all nite , i would stay up and worry about him, if he would drink and drive and end up in the drunk tank (which did happen often).. and then i wouldnt let myself sleep cus i was worried. then when he came home he would be so aggressive and not want me to sleep and keep me awake even if i had to work... and if i did finally get time to sleep, i couldnt i was "walking on eggshells". He would be so aggressive. Then, it took a nite where he totally spazzed , and took my vechile, and i left my place and stayed in a safehouse for a couple weeks, then took off to where he wouldnt find me. Then i did get back together with him, i still loved him so much. things went pretty good, though he was drinking excessively, and one nite he was really rough with me, and he'd never been like that before. It took that nite , for him to realize that what he did went against everything he ever felt and believed. we werent together for awhile, but now we are , though we dont see each other often, and he is gettng help now, and on his own iniative. And our relationship is wonderful, but really a challenge. I still sometimes have a hard time sleeping, but those nite are few now.. i realized one thing now that would have helped me out when we were living together. And its also on what he's said too, about that he is sorry for taking blame out on me for his drinking, that only he can change it himself, though he wants support. and i realized that it does no good to jus worry and get no sleep (if you are waiting up for him)... instead, it helps to journal, or watch tv, or talk to a close friend for a few minutes, or have a hot bath, something to calm the mind, and if he is around, still try to make a few minutes for yourself if you can. Then, the body will be more relaxed and the body cant sleep properly if the brain is goin overtime. And jus remember that us who are the partners of alcoholics CANT make them change. it sounds awful, but when my bf hurt me, it "woke him up".... and i really hope it doesnt take that to change your partner. and i realized that being assertive in what i really dont like him to do, it sometimes causes him to respect me more, but that can also take a while, because he will find it hard to trust me that i wont turn him in, or leave him , etc. But if your partner does not even try to change his "addictive" or "aggressive" behavior... then he doesnt really respect you. It can be so hard to leave our partners sometimes too.... but maybe you need some time out to think about it?? it was really hard for me to do that, was jus engaged to him..and then things all happened. some take their partners back, and some dont... but it is a good reflection time. It all depends on your situation what you should do, do whats in your heart. But try not to lose sleep over worrying about him. Because he is the one who can change himself and HE has to realize it and take action. i really hope this can help you !

thankyou
wish mine would see it...
can't even call him mine anymore
somehow i just can't seem to come to terms with this
when i was there and things were crazy, i'd daydream about him picking up and leaving town. actually i still think that would help. but now that i've left and i know this is the end....i feel like it's killing me. i love him so much. but i won't live like that. but this way sucks too. just too much lost, at once...
the sleep i didn't get, was from him coming home drunk and being loud in various ways, asking me stuff, basically not allowing me to sleep

now i sleep but sometimes now i dream of him, and it hurts so bad to wake up to reality....unbearable it feels...i'm just here, and that's it. not happy, not anything

Alanon, Face To Face Support
 

Yesterday I desperately searched for someone to chat with, to help me hold on until I could go to Alanon. Someone showed up and helped me hang on. Last night I went to Alanon, I talked to several people. I felt a break in all the misery. It’s coming back now, but I felt a break for that time. I am going to see if there is one tonight.

It’s minute by minute. I feel like I have been at work all day, and I’ve only been here 1.5 hrs.

Last night, just before going to Alanon I picked up the phone this time. It was him, asking if I was ever going to come home. I told him I sent him a letter. I could not stop crying and I said I had to go that I had a meeting. I hung up. I miss him so much. I am having such a hard time, because I want nothing more than to go home, sit with him on the couch, eat dinner watch tv, sit close….there is not one thing in this world I want more than for our relationship to work out and go back to how it USED to be, before all this stuff came around and poisoned everything. It is so hard to force myself to resist, as I know it would only be a temporary thing before it went back to how it became, which is why I left in fear and in such a hurry.

It is like being in a desert and so thirst, there is that glass of water. I want to drink it more than anything, I see an illusion it is clear water but if I take it, it will likely turn back to salt water, and it will become worse if I drink it. But I can’t see it, I just have to tell myself to stay away from it and keep drudging on through the desert longing for that glass of fresh water. Questioning myself if it was fresh water even though the logical part of me says no…I still don’t know. So I go on my way sad and miserable, hanging on to faith in an idea that I’m not fully sure of….. Only it’s worse than wanting water because it’s an emotional pain not a physical one. But that’s the best I can describe it right now.