sassygal

my AH (who has been sober 3 months) is moving out next weekend. The past 2 weekends, he has left (went out of town) because he says he is trying to sort things out and get better. He keeps assuring me there is no other woman, but that our marriage seemed to have died about 5 years ago (we've been married for 18 years). I have been attending Alanon meetings and reading, but am still struggling. I think most of his feelings come from me not wanting to have sex with him or have him get close to me in the bedroom, but I have just been able to communicate to him the fact that while he was drinking, I did not want him and I guess it was my way of punishing him. We also lost a lot of our ability to communicate. I am desperately trying to save our marriage. I keep trying to tell him how much I love him and that it is going to take work - problems just don't go away, but he is holding so much resentment and not truly giving me a chance. This morning he said maybe we should just divorce (this is probably the third time he has said this in the past 3 weeks). He says he loves me, but not the way he used to. I've tried to recommend marriage counseling, but he refuses. He is such a hard-headed person, and I just do not know how to reach him. I told him exactly how I was feeling - like a failure because he will not even give me a chance. How do we get back everything we lost (because of my obsessiveness, lack of sex, alcohol, etc.)? I do love him with all of my heart and I am not ready to give up. We also have a 15 year-old daughter.

escape artist

sounds like your codie instincts are kicking in. that obsessiveness is something i have to keep an eagle eye out for as well. as soon as i realize i am obsessing, i try the detachment thing and Let it Go...........
here's praying for you to Let Go and Let God and everything will be allright. Believe it.

minnie

If he won't go to marriage counselling, how about you going for counselling on your own? It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

splendra

I think you may be in a very good position for letting go and letting God. Let Him heal your heart. When we take out hands off then Our HP has room to do the work. Something I have found is that all though my HP is powerful my own will is strong enough to keep my HP from working out the best solution. Do you trust your HP? Can you let your HP work for you?

libbylil

I have a very hard-headed husband, married 18 years and teetering on the edge of divorce too. The worst part for me is that he is the one who did the drugs, he is the one who lied for 6 months and made me nuts trying to figure out what was up, and I'm the one who seems to be fighting to keep the marriage together. I'm telling him that we only just went through the shock and upheaval of learning about the addiction weeks ago. Even though our marriage has been rocky for awhile, I don't feel it would be wise to divorce in the middle of all this before we've even done counselling at all. We also have three children. I can't seem to let go like everyone is saying, but I'm not yet into treatment myself. Thanks for listening.

StandingStrong

sassygal, there's a website out there that you may find beneficial. Please know upfront that the theories, etc. that are there are not recommended for people that are actively using. However, if your AH is sober right now and working recovery, I think that the two of you may find a beginning on how to communicate. The website is marriage builders . com. There is a section with questionnaires. I believe that those questionnaires are wonderful if you are both honest and willing to be truthful on them.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now, but I believe that both of you have some anger, resentment, etc. built up and until you find a way to get through those and onto something better, I'm afraid that it won't get better. And for the record, I'm not surprised your AH won't go to counseling. For many people, they think they should be able to handle normal life themselves without the help of some "shrink". Ya know?
Anyways, try the questionnaires on that website and see if that doesn't help you to understand how each of you feel - opening up the lines of communication some. If he won't participate, then I can only hope that you will not give up on yourself. Work on YOU! Stranger things have happened - and divorce doesn't always mean it's over forever. Lots of people get back together and remarried. So just work on you and do all you can do to work things out - but don't beat yourself up over it. Marriages take two people and none of this is all your fault.