rara

Man. Oh boy. Geesh. It is so INSANE to me that they get so numbed out, that the alcohol is like their spouse, child, buddy, pet--all at once. I know that many of you have kids andhave experienced worse so...

I had my niece (7) and nephew (5) here Thursday, Friday and part of Saturday over their school vacation. They are great kids, no trouble for us, and they had a blast. My husband loves them and they love him. I don't have my own so I am very close to all my nieces/nephews. It was great until AH proceeded to have about 7 scotches Friday late afternoon-evening in front of the kids. He couldn't give it up for a few %*$#! HOURS???? I couldn't hide my disgust and hurt (despite months of detachment). I do not think the man can cope with life without booze even with small children around who love him and are staying in our home and who we are responsible for. It is so disrespectful to me and them!!!!! I was furious but never said anything.

He got that smug, 2-year old look like, see, I'm going to do what I want no matter what. The kids seemed fine, but they must have felt the tension at times and I kept wondering if they would notice he was more than a "little" drunk. SO SELFISH!!! My family knows he drinks, but not the real extent, and I don't want my sisters knowing he is getting drunk in front of them. It is just gross. I even thought well, he is doing it just to drive me away because he knows I hate him doing that in front of the kids. He did it once before last summer, when I had my 4 and 8 year old nephew and niece here for an afternoon, and that propelled me to lose it, him to threaten divorce because he said he would never hurt the kids and how dare I imply that, and things went from bad to much worse...it was a turning point, and after a couple of horrible months, it led finally to my detachment. Now I am anxious about having any of them stay over again. I need to set a boundary, without him threatening divorce. He doesn't see anything wrong with doing this. I think he was also testing me. I foolishly thought he wouldn't drink much while the kids were here. This is a big deal to me.

So, after they left he starts with the "well, you still don't like my drinking and I am not going to change at my age, BLAH, BLAH (this is an old refrain) and our marriage is going to be ruined if you don't accept it...it doesn't change my personality...and you are judging me"...BLAH BLAH
I have heard this a million times but not since my detachment. I didn't say anything about the kids because he was looking for a fight and had started to drink. I said our marriage is already ruined. Big shocked look from him. I basically said (calmly enough) that you can say how you feel, but I need to say how I feel about your drinking and I want to be treated with respect, that that was key or we won't make it. I ended the conversation once the drinking continued. Today he was very respectful while sober, but now he is snoring downstairs in the living room. The scotch is his best friend. I am so sad.

Thanks so much for listening to my always-long vents.

:nose

splendra

((((rara)))))

I am sorry you are going thru this. The only thing we can control in situations like this is our own reaction....

quietsins

its always a shock to me to realize my One loved alcohol more than me. but the reality was.. he did.

may peace find you this evening
quietsins

Savana 54

I'm sorry you had to deal with this...((rara))

osier59

Rara,

I am glad that you had a good time with your niece and nephew. They are lucky to have such a loving and caring aunt.

First of all, know that you are in the right place and that there are many here who truly understand your situation and how you feel. You might want to check out the Step Study that we are doing here on the Friends and Family forum... we have been talking about admitting WE were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Remember, he's not doing it TO you, he's just doing it. He's not drinking to make you mad, or to ruin your fun, or to make a bad impression on the kids, or because you said or did something to "make" him drink. His drinking has NOTHING to do with you, not even if he says it does. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. It's really that simple.

Hugs and love,
Barb

rara

Thanks guys for all your thoughts and hugs. It is so true that AH drinks because he drinks and that he loves the alcohol more than me. Of course I knew this, but when the kids were here and he just didn't care about THEIR feelings, that really set me back and I am still very angry about it. Disillusioned isn't a strong enough word because I have long since felt worse than that.

I know that many of you have kids and your A's drink in front of them and I'm sure that has been so awful and much worse for you. This is my first real experience with him drinking (too much) in front of little kids who he claims to love (except last summer, which really sent me over the edge). I dread having to deal with this again and I DON'T want my sisters and BIL's to know or I'm afraid it will damage my relationships with them, nevermind the kids. I feel I have lost enough because of his drinking.

Thanks, Osier, also for saying that I am a good aunt. I do treasure that--my 7-yr. old niece and I are especially close. Her mother has had severe depression off and on since she was a baby, and I have tried to be there for her. She is quite attached to me and If anything threatens that I just can't accept it. What a miserable disease and existence. If AH was sober he would be disgusted with his behavior with the kids.

minnie

Hon, you're only as sick as your secrets. Hiding your AH's problem from the outside world could be seen as a form of enabling.

osier59

Secrets? Ha. I bet they know MUCH more than you think they do. It's been my experience that everyone honors your privacy and doesn't bring it up, but they know.

And kids? They know it too. Instinctively somehow. In my opinion, it's better to be up front and honest with them, too.

Hugs and love
Barb

ASpouse

I agree with Barb ...... my daughter and I talk about my husbands drinking of the past and my son, at almost 5 knows my husband goes to meetings every night. It's best to be honest.

He doesn't love the booze more than you, don't make this about his choosing you over alcohol, because if you do he will choose the booze everytime .... he is an alcoholic.

rara

I know the kids know it in a way. I don't hide his problem. As a matter of fact, a few months ago I basically told almost everyone I am close to how bad his problem was and that I was considering divorce. It is not a secret. But my family has never seen him truly drunk. He "hides" the extent of his drinking in front of them, so I don't think they really get how bad it is. The exception seems to be the kids.

I just think this crosses the (my) line even though he is an alcoholic and there is nothing I can do about it. I haven't said a word about the specific incident so that he won't use it as a weapon. I guess that is the best thing to do.

OK, this is the scary part for me--my 10 year old niece, who he really adores, has type 1 diabetes. We will be seeing her a lot this summer. He is much better at the actual nuts and bolts care than I am, meaning measuring the exact amount of insulin and carbs and food types. I can do it, but I am less confident. As some of you may know, it is a very serious disease and she really could end up in the hospital or even die if we are not extremely vigilant. At the very least she could get really low or high sugars. One time last year he had one too many (but never really drank too much when she was here up until then) and we did make a fairly minor error, which can happen, but there is no room for serious errors. I sense that my sister is now hesitant to let my niece stay here but is hoping that the drinking won't be an issue or she won't do it. I have to deal with that.

My boundary at this point is I will NOT take my niece for more than an hour or two, and not overnight, if he drinks too much. This will infuriate him. I cannot take any chances. I used to think that he wouldn't risk it but now I know he will. I need to become more confident about managing her diabetes anyway, and I definitely will. But this situation is a real deal breaker for me. (Dr. Phil's term!)

So that is partly why I got so freaked out. My responsibility to my niece far outweighs worrying about him getting mad at me about drinking.