benefits

I ran into a former co-worker yesterday and found out that her and her husband are divorcing due to his addictions problem also turns out he was cheating on her and taking money from her accounts. I was shocked because when we worked together they seemed to be such a great couple. They have 3 beautiful children, a nice house, nice family, a bunch of friends, good jobs, and they seemed to get along great. Of course this then got me to thinking about me and my exABF. When we were together he really had so much. We had a nice home, nice cars, we had enough money that we could go places and do things (within reason of course). Okay I know those are all material things but we also had 3 great kids (2 his, 1 mine) and he had someone that really loved him. He had someone who supported him, cared for him, helped him when he was in trouble and really pretty much took care of him. His house was always clean, clean clothes in his drawers and food on the table. Of course I got none of that in return. He wasn't there for me when I was down, he didn't support me when I had major surgery, and no I don't think he ever really loved me. I think in the very beginning he may have but as the addiction grew the love for beer and cocaine grew to much to allow him to love anything else.

So my first question is this, why is it that someone who has so much can so easily throw it all away over drugs and alcohol?? I know in my case all I ever heard from my ex was how no one ever really loved him, his mother left him as a child, all his ex-wives left him, etc. etc. Well wake up - because I love you and your still acting like a selfish brat. So I don't think never having any love is the reason you do what you do. If that was the case you would be clean and sober now because I surely loved you.

My second question is this, how can someone live with themselves after taking advantage of another person as my ex and my co-worker's ex have done. In my case my exABF still has my furniture (that I have asked him to return many times) and he still owes me thousands of dollars (which I have been asking for since before we even broke up). But not only the financial and material things - how can he live with himself knowing what he has done to me. He knows he lied to me, he knows he manipulated me, he must know how badly he treated me (even though he would argue that he never treated me bad-he can always come up with some sort of justification for the things he did) and he did all these things to the one person who really, really loved him. How can you look at yourself in the mirror everyday??? Had I not kicked him out after I found out he was doing drugs in my bathroom (next to my son's bedroom no less) this would have just kept going on and on. I'm glad it's over and I have pretty much moved on - I know my life is already much more peaceful and relaxed without him. I just wish I could understand why some people just seem destined to keep messing up their life over and over again.

Cap3

Hi benefits,its called total insanity.Tempory insane folks will never make sence.When they come to recovery other addictive folks will understand for they too have been there,and who have walked this walk..Alcoholism,is a disease of the mind,body and spirit.Until the addicted person,gets honest,and help there will be no recovery,and the insanity continues..Sick folks not bad folks.And sick folks will say and do,some off the most outragous things.,that just bogglesd the mind..You can recover,though through the help of al-anon,and or naron.Fellowship for yourself,with folks who have been there to,and have recovery for themselves.Trying to figure out an insane person,can drive ya up the wall.And this wont change who they are.But you can empower yourself with knowledge,about this disease,which will give you a clearer understanding of what addiction is all about.It helps take out the shocks of what the addicted ,person,says and does.The insanity of it all.While active,the insane person,doesnt set out to hurt others,purposely.Its not about you personally.Their mind,is on themselves,and their addiction.If your in the way......until they come to the recovery rooms,and get help.

Magichappens

I try not to get involved in other people's whys. I figure that they have a destiny, a journey. When they do things I don't understand, I figure they have different lessons to learn along the way than me. It keeps me from agonizing over life's purpose. I just look for my purpose. Hugs, Magic

wraybear

because they are insane. addiction makes them insane so there is no reasoning or logic. everything they do is based on how are they going to get their alcohol/drugs today, period.

I remember many years ago, asking the same questions... and thinking if he really loved me, if he really loved the kids, etc. He does love me and the kids, but he is insane when "in" his addiction.

Well, that is why many continue to drink, because they can't live with themselves. It is insanity. Those that choose recovery, the AA way, work on recovery and forgiveness and making amends, so that is how they live with themselves.

And, it is so sad what addiction does to these wonderful people. My AH, and I am sure many others addicts, have so many great qualities, and they are all buried now under his addiction. Addiction = insanity.

But the good news is, you don't have to live in the insanity, and it sounds like you aren't anymore. Peace to you!

benefits

I agree with you wray that a lot of A's can't live with themselves and that is why they drink. I guess it is just hard for me to understand how someone can do all these things since I could/would never do them. And I know that drugs and alcohol are not the answer - you can only run so far from your problems and they will always catch up with you. As far as my exA I am questioning whether or not he really is a good person. In the beginning of our relationship I thought he was (obviously - or I would have never got involved) but the more I look back on things I think he is just a master manipulator and pathological liar. And even if you take away the drinking I still think he would be all of those things. I don't think the guilt over what he has done to me or anyone in his past makes him drink - I think he does it because he is selfish, immature and wants no responsibility in life. He left his kids, his wives, non-drinking friends, etc. He is still (at age 40) in that stage where he wants to hang with the "cool" crowd and they drink so he drinks. It's Pathetic!!!! Of course this is just my opinion.

quietsins

i once tried to explain alcoholism to a child. it went kind of like this. there is a great big pink elephant in our lives. and nobody can move him except the A. and every time he tries to move him, the elephant leans against him.. squeezing and squishing him until it hurts. if the elephant knows we are there... it will try and get us out of the way. because the elephant wants to be alone with the A... with nobody in its way. the worst part is, nobody knows how to get rid of the elephant except him and no matter how we try... we cant get rid of it.

the A in my life is sick. even his son told me he is a pathological liar (pretty advanced vocabulary for age 13). i choose not to believe it for a very long time. trying to find logic behind alcoholism is pointless. and meaningless. and a waste of time.

it is our own illness when we hold our standards to trying to understand what other people do, and why. we need to just live.. and let live. yeah sure, i wish at age 50 he wanted to live, i wish he wanted to be responsible, i wish he wanted to be a good father instead of a crappy one, i wish he would get into a recovery program. but thats all it is... my wishes.

until he falls or digs himself deep enough in a hole to where only God can help him out. and he finds a reason to live. that is when it will be his wish too. he may not make it. his pain may be so deep that he will die of this disease. but it is utterly selfish of me to want him to live just because i love him. Gods love is much more important in the long run. mine is just... feeble in comparison. and God can heal his pain. i cant.

focus on you. focus on being the very best you that you can be. focus on your kids. focus on doing the next right thing. do not tilt at windmills. to thine own self be true.