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Join Date: Apr 2005
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Help
Oh God. I feel like I have been kicked and I am in shock. I don't know why--call it intuition, but I went on match.com and whose smiling face did I see? Yup--the ABF whom I walked out on last weekend. The one supposedly too wrapped up in his recovery and meetings to call me. I emailed him the site--at this point why I don't know and then put a block on him. I am shaking and crying right now. I suppose I should pity the poor person he hooks--words fail me right now. This is too damn painful.......
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Just as my friend was already waiting for me to come home yesterday which I felt was the gods watching over me, the same way, destiny is watching over you.
Whoever he finds is in for a real bad hangover like ride on an insanity roller coaster! I feel sympathy for the person who has to deal with him! You take care of yourself, destiny wants you to.
Whoever he finds is in for a real bad hangover like ride on an insanity roller coaster! I feel sympathy for the person who has to deal with him! You take care of yourself, destiny wants you to.
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And he was askinng me questions last weekend about liking certain things that he posted in his profile, and he was on the computer A LOT! What a liar in so many ways--he wasn't getting sober, he wasn't going to AA, and here I took the abuse--what a piece of s#$$#% he is!!!!!!!!!!! And he writes how he wants a healthy relationship with a normal person and one of character--is that a joke? Wonder when he tells them about his little history of drinking and pills?
Guys--what can I say---you were great and I loved the wrong guy. He is what he is--he will never be anything and I suppose I should be thankful that I never married him but it hurts like hell. I am going to sleep tonight feeling might used........
Guys--what can I say---you were great and I loved the wrong guy. He is what he is--he will never be anything and I suppose I should be thankful that I never married him but it hurts like hell. I am going to sleep tonight feeling might used........
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
You didnt marry him!? Sweet....
He's calling you abnormal when he's the addict? HAH, typical blame the world attitude of addicts. I'm not an addict and I blame myself for more then my addict ex blames herself for. She still doesnt see anything she's really done wrong, she sometimes says she does, but actions speak louder then words.
If anyone truly saw the things that happened in our lives, or if they understood the things they've done, they would not give a simple, yeah sorry, get over it. They'd show you so much love youd be overflowed with it. But they dont, they still dont see themselves, and this very problem is very sad, for them.
He's calling you abnormal when he's the addict? HAH, typical blame the world attitude of addicts. I'm not an addict and I blame myself for more then my addict ex blames herself for. She still doesnt see anything she's really done wrong, she sometimes says she does, but actions speak louder then words.
If anyone truly saw the things that happened in our lives, or if they understood the things they've done, they would not give a simple, yeah sorry, get over it. They'd show you so much love youd be overflowed with it. But they dont, they still dont see themselves, and this very problem is very sad, for them.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
fingerscrossed
If you look back on my posts, you'll see that me ex has done the same thing. In fact, he was seeing women from a dating site whilst he was trying (harassing me) to get back with me. Even begged me to go on holiday with him, right up to the last day, but he went with one of them instead. Don't know what he'd have done if I'd said yes!
Active addicts need a partner. They cannot function without one, by and large. Anyone who is about to split up with an A needs to understand that they will be replaced PDQ.
I am trying to look it in this way - there will be at least one more person to strengthen the Al-anon and SR community and get a better life for themselves. Just like we have done.
Vent away - you need to let this out. Maybe we need a "What a sh*tbag" thread.
If you look back on my posts, you'll see that me ex has done the same thing. In fact, he was seeing women from a dating site whilst he was trying (harassing me) to get back with me. Even begged me to go on holiday with him, right up to the last day, but he went with one of them instead. Don't know what he'd have done if I'd said yes!
Active addicts need a partner. They cannot function without one, by and large. Anyone who is about to split up with an A needs to understand that they will be replaced PDQ.
I am trying to look it in this way - there will be at least one more person to strengthen the Al-anon and SR community and get a better life for themselves. Just like we have done.
Vent away - you need to let this out. Maybe we need a "What a sh*tbag" thread.
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Location: northeast
Posts: 43
Minnie, I could be wrong, but I think that this cheating doesn't stem from the alcoholism, but a defect inside of themselves. Lack of morals, lack of character. When I knew him in college, one of the things I disliked about him was that one night when he went to a large party and saw that his jacket was missing, he just took someone else's that was on the pile. That alwasy stood out in my mind. Looking back, he lied about so many things. As I said to him, You lie when drunk and lie and sober. Not a great thing to say about the man of your dreams, but it is the truth.
Looking back on this past month, I think he was furious that I confronted his drinking and after he lied about taking up drinking again,pretty much told him that I couldn't marry him unless he was getting sober. That is when the phone calls slowed and the mistreatment of me began. I remember how he told me how angry he was with hi exwife because after he had a relapse, she went out and got another credit card and charged and charged. I think he lieves life with a tit for tat. You hurt me I hurt you. Again--this man is damaged, but how much by the alochol I don't know. I think he lacks a soul and takes no responsiblity.
Looking back on this past month, I think he was furious that I confronted his drinking and after he lied about taking up drinking again,pretty much told him that I couldn't marry him unless he was getting sober. That is when the phone calls slowed and the mistreatment of me began. I remember how he told me how angry he was with hi exwife because after he had a relapse, she went out and got another credit card and charged and charged. I think he lieves life with a tit for tat. You hurt me I hurt you. Again--this man is damaged, but how much by the alochol I don't know. I think he lacks a soul and takes no responsiblity.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Dear Fingers,
Im sorry for your pain. I do know it, something similar happened to me.
The only thing I can share that has helped me, is to remember that an active A, or early sobriety, or dry-drunk, does NOT have any morals, values or principles. To expect them to honor us, our dignity, our pain, that is way to much.
The disease has stolen the ability to care, the desire to love, the motivation to do or be anything other than live in oure self centeredness.
My sweet friend,,,,,step back, remind yourself that his SICK behavior is NOT about you and gently remind yourself, that for TODAY only, you dont have to accept it, that you ARE capable, wonderful, pretty, smart, kind and you will surround yourself with true, loving friends who will support and nurse you thru the pain.
Just writing this out, I have told myself the same thing and Im going off to a 2 hr al-anon meeting this morning, so my friends can nurse me thru a very similar pain.
Good luck, my friend!
Im sorry for your pain. I do know it, something similar happened to me.
The only thing I can share that has helped me, is to remember that an active A, or early sobriety, or dry-drunk, does NOT have any morals, values or principles. To expect them to honor us, our dignity, our pain, that is way to much.
The disease has stolen the ability to care, the desire to love, the motivation to do or be anything other than live in oure self centeredness.
My sweet friend,,,,,step back, remind yourself that his SICK behavior is NOT about you and gently remind yourself, that for TODAY only, you dont have to accept it, that you ARE capable, wonderful, pretty, smart, kind and you will surround yourself with true, loving friends who will support and nurse you thru the pain.
Just writing this out, I have told myself the same thing and Im going off to a 2 hr al-anon meeting this morning, so my friends can nurse me thru a very similar pain.
Good luck, my friend!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
fc
I couldn't agree more. This is why I have trouble with the disease theory (if anyone wants to discuss this, please start another thread!). To me, addiction is a symptom of a hole in the soul, not the cause.
Onwards and upwards, my friend.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I couldn't agree more. This is why I have trouble with the disease theory (if anyone wants to discuss this, please start another thread!). To me, addiction is a symptom of a hole in the soul, not the cause.
Onwards and upwards, my friend.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I agree too, if you didnt notice, at first I blamed everything on the disease, on AA, on rehab. But when I really experienced it more and researched it deeply, I see more and more its the very individuals true self at its even worst post sobriety. The dry drunk article I shared from alcoholism.about.com talks about how they are not reborns after sobriety, they simply are still exactly who they used to be and often times worst because they suffer the dry drunk syndrome, just without the bottle.
But add to the equation, they functioned their best with the bottle, only because now their mind and body literally depend on it to function normally. Take this away, its like you took away their very souls. Their true self shows at this point, and apparently, due to the damages and their already poor self esteem, they will do actions without regards to consequences, leave entire families with kids, whatever. Most of them tend do go downwards even after sobriety, but I will say this, I said MOST, I do believe this judging by facts that if you read any research articles, this is what they imply, which means for majority of what people who research this professional have seen, will come to writing such articles. In my own experience, I see so much negativity with this disease and post sob.
It is only my opinion, I can quote plenty of research to back up my own conclusions, but I will say it is not AA, its not REHAB, its the very individuals choice to whatever poor morale and lack of heart they may choose to do. If you know of an individual that did not choose such negative routes, then I am very happy for you, and I know not everyone goes the same route. Their true self shows even more clearly post sobriety, and if your SO is acting really ****** up like shared in this post, it is a clear indication to you that maybe you need to stop hanging out with ****** up people and find a better world to hang out in.
Anyhow, just had coffee break, off to start my day.
But add to the equation, they functioned their best with the bottle, only because now their mind and body literally depend on it to function normally. Take this away, its like you took away their very souls. Their true self shows at this point, and apparently, due to the damages and their already poor self esteem, they will do actions without regards to consequences, leave entire families with kids, whatever. Most of them tend do go downwards even after sobriety, but I will say this, I said MOST, I do believe this judging by facts that if you read any research articles, this is what they imply, which means for majority of what people who research this professional have seen, will come to writing such articles. In my own experience, I see so much negativity with this disease and post sob.
It is only my opinion, I can quote plenty of research to back up my own conclusions, but I will say it is not AA, its not REHAB, its the very individuals choice to whatever poor morale and lack of heart they may choose to do. If you know of an individual that did not choose such negative routes, then I am very happy for you, and I know not everyone goes the same route. Their true self shows even more clearly post sobriety, and if your SO is acting really ****** up like shared in this post, it is a clear indication to you that maybe you need to stop hanging out with ****** up people and find a better world to hang out in.
Anyhow, just had coffee break, off to start my day.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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((((fingerscrossed)))))
I would suggest that you take a moment, sit down with some paper and a pen, and make some lists.
1) A list of the qualities that you'd like in a man
2) A list of the ways you'd like to be treated by a man in a relationship
3) A list of the ways that your A boyfriend made you FEEL
And I'll bet you'll realize that your boyfriend isn't the man that you want in your life.
Please don't get me wrong, I can only imagine how truly upset and hurt you are and how much it totally hurts down to the core. BUT..........you have choices! You may be powerless over his drinking, you may be powerless over the type of person HE chooses to be - BUT You are NOT powerless over you and your life!!!!!!
I don't know how far you are in your recovery, but I hope that you will truly take this time to focus on yourself and what you want out of your life. Get those personal boundaries in place and stop accepting the unacceptable and hurtful people in your life.
I remember a time when I was on a mission. I needed to prove to myself that I could have a good life without my AH. And while I wanted to prove that to myself, I also wanted to show him! Not only that I could have a good life without him, but that I could have a better life! And maybe I wanted to prove that out of some weird ego thing or something that may be thought of as negative - what came out of it was that I was showing MYSELF that I could do it, I was getting better, I was improving, MY life was getting better! It became about ME and not about him!
It's time you loved yourself enough to make yourself a priority!
And though it's just my opinion, it sounds to me like your EX's problems are more than just alcohol related. As much as it hurts right now (and I know that it does), I hope you realize that you deserve better and that maybe this is just the best thing that could have happened. Him not being in your life will allow you to rebuild your life.
I would suggest that you take a moment, sit down with some paper and a pen, and make some lists.
1) A list of the qualities that you'd like in a man
2) A list of the ways you'd like to be treated by a man in a relationship
3) A list of the ways that your A boyfriend made you FEEL
And I'll bet you'll realize that your boyfriend isn't the man that you want in your life.
Please don't get me wrong, I can only imagine how truly upset and hurt you are and how much it totally hurts down to the core. BUT..........you have choices! You may be powerless over his drinking, you may be powerless over the type of person HE chooses to be - BUT You are NOT powerless over you and your life!!!!!!
I don't know how far you are in your recovery, but I hope that you will truly take this time to focus on yourself and what you want out of your life. Get those personal boundaries in place and stop accepting the unacceptable and hurtful people in your life.
I remember a time when I was on a mission. I needed to prove to myself that I could have a good life without my AH. And while I wanted to prove that to myself, I also wanted to show him! Not only that I could have a good life without him, but that I could have a better life! And maybe I wanted to prove that out of some weird ego thing or something that may be thought of as negative - what came out of it was that I was showing MYSELF that I could do it, I was getting better, I was improving, MY life was getting better! It became about ME and not about him!
It's time you loved yourself enough to make yourself a priority!
And though it's just my opinion, it sounds to me like your EX's problems are more than just alcohol related. As much as it hurts right now (and I know that it does), I hope you realize that you deserve better and that maybe this is just the best thing that could have happened. Him not being in your life will allow you to rebuild your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: northeast
Posts: 43
Thank you guys
I have only been with two guys in my life--my ex husband and this ex bf---who was my first love, and I feel shattered inside. My kids are with their dad this weekend and I have never felt so alone in all my life. I know that I will get over this, but I feel so damn betrayed. And I do believe with all my heart that there are many drinkers and druggies out there who may drink, but they don't exhibit this absolute lack of morals. Something is missing in this guy--he told me that his love for me scares him. I think life scares him. And I do believe that life with him would have been hell--his kids and exwife feel he has destroyed their lives with his addictions. But again, the addictions are only one piece of the puzzle. I do believe that many addicted are caring, but this guy is not.
But one thing I have learned about mysefl is to trust my intution--it was right on this month!
Thank you guys from the bottom of my heart! You all have truly helped....
But one thing I have learned about mysefl is to trust my intution--it was right on this month!
Thank you guys from the bottom of my heart! You all have truly helped....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
It's not just your alcoholic, it's a common theme.
"
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do."
"
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Originally Posted by minnie
It's not just your alcoholic, it's a common theme.
"
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do."
"
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do."
It saddens me as I look back and I felt like I've been a tool, which is the only way she can possibly say she loves me, only to leave me when she doesnt need to use me anymore.
But in the end, she will someday realize when her mind is functioning a little better, it ultimately comes down to being truly her loss.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 29
Fingers...be glad you are not yet married to this man out of control...as for the disease theory...I agree it's an ADDICTION/disease...but cannot equate it with cancer, diabetes and the like...those folks afflicted with those diseases had no choice, and don't usually keep doing the things that caused the disease (except maybe a hard-core smoker with lung cancer), and they don't usually treat their loved ones like SH... just because they've got cancer or diabetes...our a's have the fine line between addiction and will...they CAN do something about their addictions...also...please pass that tail...I, too, have an ass to pin it on! Just remember that whatever ugliness he/she hands you when drunk, dry drunk or depressed is not from the "real person" you fell in love with (likely). Mine looks at porn, chats on smutty sites, and emails women whose email addresses are "xxjessxxx"...he even went so far as to arrange a meeting a couple of years ago, which never came to pass...he was too drunk! Each time I see where he's spent his time, it's like a slap in the face. Each slap drives us further apart...not to mention what it does to our already non-existent sex life! If the tables were turned, he'd be LIVID if he found me spending my time that way! Just shows ta go ya how twisted they are when under the influence. Thinking is not an option. Can you tell things aren't going so well at our ranchero right now? Gee... Anyway...just a venting! Good luck to you, and try not to beat yourself up too much or worry about his "preferences"...you are way better off without him permanently attached to you...be strong and happy!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Originally Posted by FriendofBill
Dear Fingers,
Im sorry for your pain. I do know it, something similar happened to me.
The only thing I can share that has helped me, is to remember that an active A, or early sobriety, or dry-drunk, does NOT have any morals, values or principles. To expect them to honor us, our dignity, our pain, that is way to much.
The disease has stolen the ability to care, the desire to love, the motivation to do or be anything other than live in oure self centeredness.
My sweet friend,,,,,step back, remind yourself that his SICK behavior is NOT about you and gently remind yourself, that for TODAY only, you dont have to accept it, that you ARE capable, wonderful, pretty, smart, kind and you will surround yourself with true, loving friends who will support and nurse you thru the pain.
Just writing this out, I have told myself the same thing and Im going off to a 2 hr al-anon meeting this morning, so my friends can nurse me thru a very similar pain.
Good luck, my friend!
Im sorry for your pain. I do know it, something similar happened to me.
The only thing I can share that has helped me, is to remember that an active A, or early sobriety, or dry-drunk, does NOT have any morals, values or principles. To expect them to honor us, our dignity, our pain, that is way to much.
The disease has stolen the ability to care, the desire to love, the motivation to do or be anything other than live in oure self centeredness.
My sweet friend,,,,,step back, remind yourself that his SICK behavior is NOT about you and gently remind yourself, that for TODAY only, you dont have to accept it, that you ARE capable, wonderful, pretty, smart, kind and you will surround yourself with true, loving friends who will support and nurse you thru the pain.
Just writing this out, I have told myself the same thing and Im going off to a 2 hr al-anon meeting this morning, so my friends can nurse me thru a very similar pain.
Good luck, my friend!
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