equus

Life without expectation?

If D wasn't an alcoholic, if this wasn't in his life, right now my expectations would be that we would grow old as a dotty couple, holding wrinkley hands and sneaking a quick kiss even in public. What's between us was enough to keep me not wanting any other man for so many years, enough for him to fight his way back to having a life and then find me - with just my name.

In the years apart I didn't think of him except as a memory, he was gone - it wasn't even dispair, just a memory of an amazing friend I wished I had for longer, and sober.

When he found me my heart exploded with joy, it took a long while to decide whether that joy was because he was still in the world - that someone so beautiful hadn't been lost or whether it was love. It ran right through me, he was okay, tears of happiness and a relief I can't express. Eventually I knew that they were both the same - my happiness that he was still with us was love.

Slowly I understood this problem has far from gone away and I worried but then he stopped drinking and it felt like I had our future back, although I knew he was on far from solid ground.

He started drinking again and I learned it's harder to watch after a stop - I know that now.

I don't have expectations anymore, I have hope - lots of it but not expectation, I have fear sometimes lots of it but not expectation.

I feel a sense of grief for the expectations that should be there.

Has anyone else felt this?

Beautiful

Yes, I can relate to your story. I have felt hope, then despair, then hope with expectations. I think that expectations for oneself within a relationship are honesty, faithfulness, respect, etc. To expect that from your mate, regardless of disease, is perfectly reasonable. I have hope that he will someday achieve these things. I expect that he will try. If he (my H) doesn't, I need to look inward as to where I'm going in my relationship- status quo. I think everyone struggles with something but as long as we show growth....

equus

I've always had those from him. Ten years ago he was very honest not wanting to live anywhere near enough to stop drinking - or even start eating for that matter!

Years later so much in his attitude is wildly different, and yet he still wants to learn to control his drinking HE doesn't want to stop (yet). Only now he puts effort in and I see him fighting - he's fought for a long time.

I have loads of reasons to hope he will succeed, learn by his mistakes and eventually recover - not least of which is the results from his battle so far. He has a complete, functioning life, and is a lovely husband to me - he's alive and for him that's a fairly major success!!

But I also have loads of reasons for fear - he's far from won already and I remember all those years ago, it's the same disease and it will always be in him.

I KNOW I can't have expectations but I'm so sad for that. I want so desperately the expectation that he will grow old.

kcsunshine

Equus, I'm a newbie and your post reflects exactly how I feel about my AB. It's comforting to know that someone else is going through this stuff.

Funny thing about expectations--he's the one who brought to my attention that they can set you up for disappointment! Gave me pause to think that my A could know so much about MY foibles and seem so ignorant to his... *sigh*. Glad to be a part of this community and thanks for sharing!!

Peace,
Sunshine